Page 10 | What is the "mental load"

Noideamatey · 2025-09-07T18:09:54+00:00

As a single parent for many years, I just don't understand the hoo ha around the "mental load" that's just remembering stuff and being a functioning adult right?

Noelshighflyingturds · 13/09/2025 09:08

PollyBell · 13/09/2025 03:12

But you dont have to do it you are choosing too

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But if she didn’t, nothing would ever get done

SomewhatAnnoyed · 13/09/2025 09:38

EuclidianGeometryFan · 08/09/2025 13:30

(As an aside how often do you even have to buy school uniforms and trainers etc? Surely that's not exactly an everyday task?)

The mental load is knowing that you bought trainers 3 months ago, so DC is likely to outgrow them in the next 3 months, so registering it in your brain that this will be around Christmas time, then at Christmas time remembering that DC now likely needs new trainers. (And not forgetting that in amongst all the other stuff going on around that time of year).
Not relying on DC saying "my trainers are too tight" because the damage to their feet has already started at that point.

The mental load is holding stuff in your head - remembering, anticipating, planning. Not the actual buying of trainers.

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Yeah this

SomewhatAnnoyed · 13/09/2025 09:43

For married couples I’d say it starts at the wedding planning (if before kids) - no - the decision to get married/ buy a home/kids etc - basically growing up and planning for the future

GagMeWithASpoon · 13/09/2025 09:49

Perfect example. OH came in (mostly jokingly) moaning that he got 1 email from DD’s school yesterday . One!! In about 9 years! I got 7 on the same day.

He does do plenty of other stuff so it’s not actually an issue and I found it quite funny and told him to suck it up or I’m forwarding all the other emails to him too.

Fizbosshoes · 13/09/2025 10:46

Noelshighflyingturds · 13/09/2025 09:08

But if she didn’t, nothing would ever get done

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I see lots of times on MN the suggestion to women posters is "just dont do it" and the theory is the man who hasn't been sharing the load, will start doing it. That doesnt necessarily work. After years of searching for, buying, wrapping all presents for our DC i asked DH to deal with 1 child's christmas list. A week before Christmas he had bought nothing.....so I bought the items, because the potential result of me doing nothing, was that one child might well have nothing to open on Christmas day!

nobodytellsyou · 29/10/2025 09:01

True, remembering things is adulting 101!
But the “mental load” is more like running a full-time logistics startup out of your brain, one that never closes, has zero staff, and whose clients are your family, colleagues, and occasionally your boss.
It’s not the remembering, it’s the never being allowed to forget. You’ve probably managed a huge amount on your own, which takes real strength.
The “mental load” isn’t about capability, it’s about distribution.
Most women aren’t saying “I can’t handle it,” they’re saying “I’m handling it all — and it’s invisible.” It’s the difference between doing tasks and carrying the mental responsibility for them 24/7. That's why I am looking to make this load visible on wonex that puts together and calculate your mental load to give data driven insights. Making this load visible!

TaborlinTheGreat · 29/10/2025 10:57

nobodytellsyou · 29/10/2025 09:01

True, remembering things is adulting 101!
But the “mental load” is more like running a full-time logistics startup out of your brain, one that never closes, has zero staff, and whose clients are your family, colleagues, and occasionally your boss.
It’s not the remembering, it’s the never being allowed to forget. You’ve probably managed a huge amount on your own, which takes real strength.
The “mental load” isn’t about capability, it’s about distribution.
Most women aren’t saying “I can’t handle it,” they’re saying “I’m handling it all — and it’s invisible.” It’s the difference between doing tasks and carrying the mental responsibility for them 24/7. That's why I am looking to make this load visible on wonex that puts together and calculate your mental load to give data driven insights. Making this load visible!

Exactly. Nobody's saying that these tasks are rocket science or that it's unreasonable to expect them all to be achieved (by someone!), or that we are not 'just getting on with them'. It just takes up quite a lot of bandwidth to not just do them, but to be in charge of them all getting done (even the ones you don't do yourself but are somehow still in charge of reminding others to do them). They are often very unevenly distributed.