What is the "mental load"

[Noideamatey]

As a single parent for many years, I just don't understand the hoo ha around the "mental load" that's just remembering stuff and being a functioning adult right?

This essentially.

Just doing your own - fine, quite easy. Just being a functioning adult. Although of course much easier of course if you did have a PA to sort it all out for you, like a celebrity.

Having to do it all for yourself, another adult plus however many children - suddenly not easy. And very unfair if one person is suddenly doing it all - especially as children are a joint responsibility and tend to come with more life admin (mental load) than adults. Wonderful, of course, for the person not doing any - being relieved even if what they did as a single adult. Like the celebrity.

Women have been quietly covering all this for many years and not saying anything, but now we are saying enough is enough. Men don’t like it, and tend to make mock and say things like “oh what on earth is this so-called mental load”, and “oh stop making a fuss about nothing, there’s no such thing as a mental load, just relax like me”.

I get that the mental load exists. And I carry most of the family and kids mental load for my family. But I also work PT, partly to enable me to pick up stuff at home so this is my responsibility which I accept and do my best at. I don't do much of DHs family stuff eg presents and cards etc. DH works on the house and cars, and that is his contribution to the family mental load. When I say works on the house, I don't mean a little bit of DIY, I mean for example stripping out a bathroom, replacing rotten stud walls and joists, then building it all back up and installing new shower etc. so he researches all that and buys stuff second hand/gets deals on things. Ditto for the cars, the only thing he doesn't do is the MOT itself. So yes I do carry the typical mental load, but to me it feels relatively equal as DH contributes other things.

It’s just shorthand for all the stuff you have to remember.

I can see how frustrating it is if you have a competent adult as a partner who has no idea what subject the kids have, when the PE kit is required, what bills need to paid, what appointments need to be made etc etc.

the argument is usually if there are two working adults in a household, it shouldnt be be down to one of those adults to remember every detail, plan the day to running of house, made doctors, dentist appointments, sort out schedules etc etc

If only one of you works full time, it's what the other person should be doing.

I would have agreed with you (even when I had 3 young kids and then 3 teens)and working outside the home, until my parents became elderly and needed care and assistance. That was my tipping point.

Yes, it’s just remembering stuff.

But I can absolutely see how it would be incredibly annoying if the functioning adult you married suddenly became incapable of remembering to book an MOT (or whatever) despite never forgetting before he met you. Even if it’s not difficult, it would royally fuck me off if DH just expected it all to be magically done by me, and that he didn’t need to worry about remembering anything because he’s outsourced all his thinking.

For me it is when I am asked something that frankly he could work out or ask himself and then claims it is quicker to ask me. It’s being the default all the time and if you forget things don’t get done

of course it is quicker for you. I push back on that now

actual admin we share

Being responsible for myself? Fine. Plus , it only affects me so if I want to fuck it, I fuck it.

Being completely responsible for a child all by myself? Not fine, because DD has two parents. I do more though, because I am around more(and I have higher standards).

Being responsible for another grown ass adult? Definitely not fine and I refuse to do it , take any responsibility for it or shoulder any blame for it.

YABU. Different people have different issues and coping thresholds. If you can take it all in your stride, great, but there’s no need to be supercilious about it.

would you complain if your colleague, whose job it is to share the workload, was so useless and incompetent you actually ended up doing the work of two people instead?

If it's not okay at work, why is it okay at home? And if it isn't okay, then why can't people moan (or "hoo ha") about it?

The phrase “mental load” is useful for describing the strain someone feels when the other adult in the relationship isn’t doing their share of the thinking.

”where are my shoes/keys/bag?”
”how do I dress the baby? Where are the baby clothes?”
”how do you turn on the washing machine?”
”why didn’t you remind me it was my turn to pick the kids up today?”
”what shall I get my mum for her birthday?”
”how am I supposed to know that Timmy needs his p.e. kit on a Thursday?”
”what’s for dinner?”

DH

• Has never bought or ever thought to by the children clothes or shoes.
• I buy gifts for his family and mine.
• I pack all suitcases for holiday and will be the one to think - I need to get sun cream /hats/ and snacks for the plane!
• I would organise all nursery ‘stuff’ and respond to all requests for ‘stuff ‘ to be sent in .
• I would take the children to the doctor
• I would always pack for days out - nappies , wipes , coats etc !!

However my DH is cleaning mad and does all the washing and cleaning. So I don’t mind.

Do you really not have the emotional intelligence and imagination to understand this?

I am single, no kids but I absolutely understand the concept. I don’t need to personally experience it - I see it all around me.

Do you read papers, books, watch tv, talk to friends?

The mental load IMO is something relative to your partner. So if you’re a single parent then it’s just normal life. But if you’re in a partnership where you’re expected to essentially run the whole family and solve problems for everyone, rather than it being shared, then it’s a load.

As a former lone parent myself I totally get where you’re coming from. But if you’re in a partnership and they don’t pull their weight with the forward planning and preparation, and are basically a freeloader when it comes to anticipating and mitigating against issues, it’s a problem. It’s pretty exhausting to have to keep explaining basic daily tasks over and over, for example. Or to have to remind someone what needs to be done when it’s straight in front of them.

As PPs have said, yes, it’s everything you are doing but with an extra child. An adult one that should be sharing it all with you but instead you have to sort their admin as well. Wash their clothes, cook their food, remember their family’s birthdays, pick up the things they drop around the house, sort their prescriptions.

And they say they’ll ‘help’, like it’s not really their job to know all the things you need to know and do but rather they’re just the support act helping you fulfil your responsibilities.

You have to then think of a list of things for them to do. And they’ll do stuff eventually but probably not very well and only after you’ve asked repeatedly. Which you then have to also make time and headspace for. It’s easier, quicker and fits better into your schedule just to do it yourself.

And, while you’re spinning all the plates and trying to chivvy the man alongside them, you see them putting themselves first. Instead of researching summer childcare or looking at school shoes that might fit your budget or putting in a food order that includes what they need for the cookery class on Thursday…they’re scrolling TikToks or chatting with mates. And that’s not fair - it makes it all seem so much harder because you’d give your back teeth to just have one hour on the sofa to yourself. It’s almost like grinding your nose on it.

And after all that, when you’re exhausted at the end of the day, they’re usually upset about how you never seem to want to have sex or just be intimate with them anymore. While you’re just tired…and seething with resentment underneath it all, thinking about how you’ll have to be up at 6am to make the kids lunches and start breakfast while they sleep in until just before they have to get up to get ready for work.

It’s basically all the downsides of being a single parent with none of the benefits of being in a couple or those of being a single parent either. And it crushes you.

The end.

It’s usually when the other person in the relationship makes your life harder than it would be if you were a single parent.

I think this post says it all!

It's the anticipating what needs to be done , before it needs to be done to keep the household running in the way it's occupants are accustomed to . It's nearly always done by the mother / female but the rest of the household think it happens by magic.

It's basically fulfilling the same role at home as you do in work, and it's bloody annoying. But in work I get paid to do the managerial stuff. It's thinking of everything first. By the time dh comes round to it, I've thought of it and planned it out. His excuse is that not everyone's thoughts go 100 miles an hour.

To be fair, dh is good at all the practical stuff. He will follow orders. But sometimes I stamp my foot and kick off because giving all the orders means doing all the thinking. And I think all the time.

And some of it is just stupid stuff- like not having a club/ school app on his phone, so then he asks me. Why? Why doesn't he have it? Or asking me things he could google.

I am fairly fierce at splitting it though. Mainly by pretending I don't know/ can't do something. But even then, I've still got everything planned in my head.

Sometimes you carry more of it as the other person uses weaponised incompetence. Usually man as in my household.

Surely it all depends on what each person takes on responsibility for in a relationship? My late husband was happy to let me be ‘the organiser’ - a role that suited me - in addition to running the finances, working full time, laundry, ironing, housework, shopping and cooking, for our large family. I needed to be sure that everything was remembered, completed, paid etc. My DH also worked very hard, more than full time really, but also mended the car, fixed the washing machine and the kids bikes, built onto the house, did the heavy work in the garden, and plenty more besides. If I needed any help with my tasks, he would willingly have given it, but I felt that his contribution to our family life was more than sufficient. Money was tight for us, but we were a fab team.

It’s not necessary, IMO, that every task has to be shared out, provided that each person is happy to take on the entire responsibility. Playing to one’s strengths is the important factor here.

I carry ALL of the mental load on top of a stressful job. It can feel overwhelming and I’m often exhausted.
Drops off/pick ups, PE kits/school uniforms, extras for days when they have extra activities. Arranging, booking and getting them to said activities. Homework, parents evenings, school parties and presents. Money for wear yellow day, comic relief, PTA non uniform etc etc etc. Medical/dentist appointments. Snacks, water. Paying for before/after school clubs, trips, nursery fees. Reconfirming tax free childcare.
And then there’s the house……washing cleaning, ironing, changing beds, towels, bath mats, groceries, toiletries, food planning.

And DH halfheartedly asks what they can do to help and you realise that you’ve engineered a situation where they know so little about what is going on, that you just don’t have the bandwidth to even begin explaining.

It's being responsible for everything that should be split up between 2 partners for a start.

No one knows your set-up, being "a single parent`" means nothing in itself.
Depends on your set-up, number of children, job, salary and how much help you employ to help, how involved you are, how much you actually do for and around the children.

You might have an easy life, others are juggling too much.

Be happy you are brilliantly organised and have it easy? Instead of making snide comments about other people you don't know?

There's no needs to be rude, or cast aspersions on my emotional intelligence. I'm out here trying to understand. As this is something I've always done. Kid with SEN, another NT, work full time. It's just a part of adult life

Although, I can see that maybe I am more mentally equipped than some as handling it