What is the "mental load"

[Noideamatey]

As a single parent for many years, I just don't understand the hoo ha around the "mental load" that's just remembering stuff and being a functioning adult right?

If it’s so straightforward and NBD to carry the mental load, why do so many men in relationships with women totally fail at doing it? 😂

Buying pantomime tickets and an advent calendar are not "mental load" because neither of them are actually necessary.

DP and I both buy tickets for things we actually want to go to year-round (theatre, gigs, clubs, etc). It's not mental load, it's enjoying one's leisure time. Buying tickets to see Erykah Badu is not a burden that weighs heavily on me, it's something I'm excited about.

An advent calendar is also something that, if I wanted it, I would buy it. I don't really feel the need, as I find it quite easy to buy myself nice chocolate year-round (I don't consider that "mental load" either). DP doesn't seem to care but I wouldn't take kindly to him if he complained that it was a chore he always had to do.

@Muffinmam’the mental load is a choice’

yes, as a single adult it’s entirely your choice. Some people don’t like planning and would rather take the consequences than the stress of planning, and that’s fine. An example would be my exhusband who would eg put no thought in to packing for a holiday and he’d spend the first day shopping for all the stuff he needed. That’s fine, his choice.

but once you have dc, you can be making their life less pleasant if you decide to do that. For example, same husband, he’d take the kids out an event and have to go home early even if everyone’s enjoying it because he’d forgotten to pack nappies. Etc

yes your sister is clearly extreme, but rather obviously there’s a middle ground.

I think it is good that there is now a word for it. My children are now adults but when they were younger, I used to be so frustrated with having to do all the organising and "thinking" in the house. My husband just went to work and then relaxed his brain. I am getting the last laugh now we are separating though because he has just become so incompetent at any kind of life admin.

I think it depends who expects them, and who will be disappointed by their absence.

I read something on this subject recently that I think says it very well: 'those thousand and one tasks that no one really notices are getting done, but they’d sure as hell miss if you stopped'.
I think this encompasses buying tins of tomatoes/making sure there's loo roll/ buying advent calendars and other nice things/noticing that there is a gig or performance on that your DP would like and getting tickets or telling them about it, as well as many other things, both purely necessary and nice/fun.

I once started to open a new online bank account. After the umpteenth password, passcode and secret number code I was asked to make up I gave up.

I know it when I see it.

A friend of mine (part time GP, 3 kids, two cats) was once informed by her (lovely, capable) partner at 1 hours’ notice that another family were coming over to stay for the weekend. Holding on to her hat, she asked if he’d thought what they were all going to eat. His response was ‘something always turns up’. Which it does, because she thinks about not just the next meal, but a range of possibilities.

Likewise, her 3 kids have at various times changed schools, done out of school activities that challenge them, volunteered for things relevant to their eventual careers, had major health issues such as broken bones and rehab for them, and are exceptional social nodes for a large circle of friends, whose parents she knows well and for whom she is a close and wonderful friend. Meantime, she’s done well professionally herself, and so has her partner, and their parents are looked after into extreme old age.

THAT’s the mental load. Not just ‘all fed and nobody dead’ which I’m not knocking in itself, it’s wanting and achieving more than that for your family. Thriving in a broader way.

All I ask companies to do is actually read what I write and admit when you are wrong and not have the attitude

We are not reading anything you write. We do everything correctly. What we say is you need to pay. We don’t care if what we are doing is illegal. If we say you owe £££ then pay up because we say so

Why does it take a judge to get you to realise your mistake.
What is it that you don’t understand

I don’t understand how someone can get themselves into this position. Surely making sure you are earning enough money to support yourself and your family, and making sure you will have a partner who supports you properly is just what proper adults do. Maybe I’m just better equipped to be organising my life than you are. 🤷‍♀️ And I’m not being snide at all.

Except, of course I understand that people live different lives, and have choices forced upon them that they can’t control. It isn’t about being better equipped, nor about being some kind of superior person. If you don’t think your life is hard, be happy about that. But also understand that other people finding it harder than you are doesn’t mean they are any less than you, or any other person. Most of the “I just get on with it” people I know are really not in a good place mentally. What they never recognise is where the stress is and where it leaks out. For some it’s in bitterness and judgement, for others it’s in temper and anger, one woman I know in a similar position to yours is so shut down mentally and emotionally she doesn’t even know where she would begin to start asking for help. You might see strength in carrying the load, I see a weakness in never accepting that sometimes you’d benefit from help.

An example:

On Friday I was rather under the weather. I was supposed to helping at Scouts. I asked DH to take my place. He knew they were going a hike and knew where. I told him the Scout Leader had sent what 3 words for the meet point. He downloaded that app and then said, “But, what 3 words?”. I replied that it was in Online Scout Mamager. He then responds, “I don’t have access to that!”

DD1 has been in Scouts since she was 6. That’s 7 years! In all that time, he just expects me to know everything rather than looking himself.

The mental load is that one example multiplied by 1000!

A friend of mine (part time GP, 3 kids, two cats) was once informed by her (lovely, capable) partner at 1 hours’ notice that another family were coming over to stay for the weekend. Holding on to her hat, she asked if he’d thought what they were all going to eat. His response was ‘something always turns up’. Which it does, because she thinks about not just the next meal, but a range of possibilities.

This sums it up for me. Imagine living your life in a blissful state of just knowing that 'something always turns up'! The only way I can imagine that happening is if I had staff. Which it seems this woman's partner thinks (on some level at least) she is.

Yes, or my husbands favourite phrase ‘the universe will provide’ 🙄 ermmm no, I think you’ll find it was your wife

That and, when your kids start school, you fill in the forms with your details because why wouldn’t you? It make sense just to do that little bit, easy enough. It’s only a few months later you realise how much that adds to your workload. The mass emails (90% of which are irrelevant to you but you have to read them to know that), the invites to the assembly/show/class activity/sports day/learning cafe/ “it’s Tuesday” meeting. The reminders it is world book day/dress up for charity/dress down for charity/ dress up for Tuesday. The notification that the PTA still needs members, why aren’t you a member yet, don’t you care about your children? You are called first for every eventuality. My advice to anyone is set up a “family” email for this stuff and make sure everyone has access to it.

In a lot of cases though if she does this it won’t get done. I agree if it pertains to the man - or the woman if the roles are reversed or same seize relationship. But saying just do nothing and wait for the other person to step up, when it affects running of the house overall and children, isn’t practical or fair on them, as the other adult may still choose to do fuck all.

But absolutely in terms of shopping/ organising/ washing the slacker’s stuff - big no to that shit!

I am a widow so have carried the ‘mental load’ since my kids were small. 90% of the time it’s just life and not a big deal. But occasionally I wish I wasn’t the one responsible, for example on trips making all the arrangements, taking on all the stress, making sure we had tickets, money, passports, car hire, hotel booked, the pet sitter organised, the right clothes packed, getting there with two sleepy/bored/fidgety kids - how nice to have someone who took on some of that?
I have a holiday let (it’s a lodge on a holiday park before I get any abuse): today a guest called that the dishwasher was leaking. I was relieved to be able to tell them to call the person who manages the place at the location - that’s part of the ‘load’ I could hand off. Otherwise it’s just all on me.
When my DH was alive I still did say 80% of the load - but fair enough he worked long hours and paid for everything. It’s when I see two parents both working full time but it’s the mother (usually) who knows all the important school dates, when dress up day is (and organises the outfit), when football practice is on (and gets the kit cleaned and ready), when dentist is due (and arranges the appointment), when MIL’d bday is (and organises the present), when the cars need MOT (and takes the car in), when the dog needs vaccinations…meanwhile their partner takes the bins out, mows the lawn and says he ‘helps out’!

I found the mental load much easier as a single parent. Adding in another adult’s schedule (shift work) and needs increases the mental load significantly. Having just two DC on my own in my house which ran my own way and with full control, no problem.

Thankfully my DH is militant about sharing the mental load for us and the 3DC. Sharing it with him for a family of 5 is still greater than doing it on my own for a family of 3

Mine was raiding my purse for cash (again) because “I don’t do cash”. We have an envelope for cash (bin cleaner, window cleaner, takeaway etc) which is filled up about once every six months (by me) but he needed cash for his hair cut. I suggested he stopped at the atm which is on the way, but he didn’t want to stop. I suggested he went to the other barber that takes cards but he didn’t want to do that because it was the other way from all the other errands he was running. He needed my emergency tenner because he “don’t do cash.”

“THIS IS YOU DOING CASH” I said, “the difference is you are now doing MY cash”

Next day he filled the cash envelope. 😆

Everyone, through life, has stress, problems, marriage ups and downs, health issues, money issues, grief etc

We just have to deal with it - hard as it may sometimes. 🤷‍♀️

Ours are all on an app (you still get an email notification but you then need to go to the app to read the full message)

You can set up both parents on the app (I think - I never did as my kids dad doesn't have his phone in work hours)

So when I had 3 DC all in primary I'd receive the same email x3 and the same message on the app x3. Very inefficient. I know some messages were child / year group specific and required some feedback or payment but lots of messages could just be sent once per family and not once per child!!

Anyway I digress as moaning about how inefficient the platforms the school chose to use are is a whole other thread!

My situation was I work PT / other parent doesn't have immediate access to phone ergo I am default parent for all school crap!

It’s normal life but it is also a load. Just because it’s normal doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

You can opt out of some of it, or even a lot of it, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t have improved the lives of your children if you hadn’t.

Volunteering as a youth group
leader when there was nobody else for 3 years was frankly pretty awful, it had good moments but it was an immense strain throughout while working full time and a disabled husband no longer working. But I did it for multiple reasons to do with ds’s needs and development and I don’t regret it. Doesn’t mean the strain was non-existent.

Everyone has their own individual mental load which is, as you say, life admin. Remembering to tax the car, insure the house, renew the passport, book the dentist etc etc etc.

If you have a child, to a certain extent, you now carry their mental load too. Lots of this is non negotiable - child's doctor appointments, dentist, applying for their school place, paying subs for their clubs, buying & washing their school uniforms and other clothes. Etc. Life stuff, but now more, for the child and any following children.

I'll be honest, some of this is optional and some parents do choose to carry too much of their child's mental load. For example, it's your responsibility to purchase them a PE kit and wash it when it's put in the basket. But it's not your job to go digging through their bag to find it etc at least certainly not for an older child. Nor to remember when their homework is due. You can adapt how much of this you choose to carry, but as they grow, there remains some non-negotiable items.

And then there is a partner (if you have one). What should happen is they retain their own load, and take on some of their child's alongside you.

What actually happens is the woman seems to take all the child's, her own, plus her partner's. This is where you find women fretting about renewing licenses for their adult partners (who would have had to do it themselves without her stepping in), scheduling appointments for her husband's health, checking when the tax runs out on his vehicle etc etc.

This part is entirely optional, there is no non negotiable part of your partner's mental load you should be carrying. Let them feel the consequences is my personal feeling on this stuff.

Oh yes, we have the app. And sometimes we get group call texts. And a text reminding us there is a message in the app. And an email reminding us there was a text about the message in the app. 😆 My current pet peeve is the “your child is not in class” texts. She is always in class, or in school somewhere, it’s just that no support assistant came to get her so she missed registration, or the lift has broken down, or she is in the ASN base, or she has a meeting for something. I have to call / respond every time because I know the one time I don’t will be the one time she is actually missing! I don’t wish her childhood away at all but in this respect, I’ll be glad in 18 months after 13 years that I don’t have to deal with it!

It’s things like my ex ordering School shoes online half size 2 big because he can’t be asked going to a shop to actually get his feet measured and see if these things actually fit him leaving me with the consequences of a child with blisters on their feet and not being able to walk all weekend Having to then go and buy insoles that cost nearly as much as the fucking shoes

And then having to persuade the kid to put those shoes back on their feet knowing that they’ll probably be in pain because I can’t afford any alternative
A normal mother would’ve just taken him to Clarks and get them measured In the first place.

If you’re a single parents then you carry both the mental load and do the stuff. You see some couple relationships where both parents do things (the food shopping, taking the child to the dentist, forgoing to the school play) but one parents is remembering that all those things need to happen, is writing the list, making the appointment etc whereas the other often thinks he’s pulling his (it’s almost always him) weight but he’s not doing the thinking which is the mental load

IME, it's not really relevant when you're a single parent (having experienced both sides) as there's no question that it's all on you so you just get on with it. It comes into play when you're in a relationship and you end up carrying the whole mental load on top of a lot of the main load while he swans about without a care in the world expecting brownie points for running a hoover round or cooking a basic meal (NAMALT etc etc).

Also I find having a partner does massively add to the mental load (coordinating schedules, families, gifts, extra person to consider etc). It's frustrating when the person who is meant to be your teammate totally belittles your contribution by dismissing the mental load. It where they think they're doing 50% but actually you're doing 80% and them 20% because they conveniently "forget" all the little background tasks.