What is the "mental load"

[Noideamatey]

As a single parent for many years, I just don't understand the hoo ha around the "mental load" that's just remembering stuff and being a functioning adult right?

We don’t even have children and I still carry it all.

I didn’t notice as a single person,I just did it as matter of course but to do it for two people when clearly the other person doesn’t ever even think about it is hard work.

The problem is it’s unseen and unquantifiable and therefore unnoticed by the other person who does not appreciate everything that needs to happen to help us function.

This thread is the usual women pulling down women nonsense.

OP wanted to sneer at women who complain about the mental load - when she didn’t even understand the concept.

thankfully the majority of posters came on to tell OP she hadn’t grasped the concept and it wasn’t that she was better, smarter and more capable than these women!! OP still argued she was superior and feigned puzzlement as to why women would complain when she found organizing her life as a single mother so easy.

but still some came on to land a few punches - whether at SAHM or working mums or ‘posh’ mums.

women can carry the mental load - it’s just frustrating that a lot of men don’t contribute! What is hard about that to understand. It’s not like 1952! Men are capable of scheduling dentist appointments for their children or learning their child’s school timetable.

Yes.

Edited as posted too soon!

The issue is the imbalance in relationships where one person has to remember everything for themselves, any children and their partner. Obviously this is different for single parents.

Yes - the vast majority of complaints I see on MN about the mental load aren’t about the tasks themselves being difficult. It’s almost always about the resentment of a partner who thinks “I don’t need to worry about any of that, she’ll do it”

But presumably yourchildren have a father. Now, he either shares care 50:50 with you, in which case you are being disingenuous about how you cope OR he did bugger all and that is why you are now a single mother. In which case you know exactly what people are talking about because lots of single Mums talk about how life is easier without the useless man.

You've completely misunderstood what "mental load" means haven't you? As have a lot of people.

A "bored SAHM" (if there is such a thing) wouldn't be experiencing mental load in the first place. Mental load comes from doing more of the share of household tasks than the other partner, shifting the burden unfairly. That doesn't really apply in the case of a SAHM.

If you have a clear division of labour with a breadwinner and a homemaker it's less of an issue (it brings all sorts of other problems but that's a different thread). Because people focus on their respective "jobs".

The problem comes precisely when both partners are working full time but only one partner (almost invariably the woman) is doing all the strategy/planning/anticipating and the other one is only doing the work and then a few other things handed out to him but without thinking about how this impacts no the rest of the household.

A good example is a husband who agrees to go on a work drinks event when he knows there is a parents evening coming up, fails to check the family calendar and thus puts his wife in a double whammy: 1. she's doing the parents evening alone (again) and 2. she will have to source childcare because the husband is out on the piss with colleagues.

Or, the husband who arranges for the whole household to go around to friends' houses for a barbecue without taking the trouble to check that one of the kids has soccer practice/drama club.

People always say "it's easy to do this stuff, it's just adult life", and talk about how easy it is to pay bills by direct debit etc etc...but they are missing the point. It isn't the ability to do the stuff that's the problem, its when you fail to anticipate that your needs may clash with those of the rest of your household.

As a single parent, you’ve likely been carrying the entire mental load by default, so it may feel “normal” or just part of being a responsible adult.
That imbalance can exhausting.

I've been a single parent and its hard work but at least its clear and you're in control: you're responsible for everything and you plan accordingly.

The problems come when you're planning for yourself and your children and another adult who is incapable of or unwilling to plan for him or herself and expects you to do it all. And not only does this mean you have twice the work but there are all sorts of clashing agendas set by other people that you have to mop up.

It's not the workload per se that's the issue, it's the lack of consideration.

I think it’s the fundamental difference between most men and women.

Women tend to care more, maybe bc generally we have more empathy and / care what others think more.

So a woman wants her child to be happy - buys them toys they will like. She wants them to have friends so she makes an effort to socialise them and mix with other parents and encourage friendships in and out of school. She is pleasant to teachers and others parents to facilitate this. She makes the effort to be more aware of what is popular for that age group so her child isn’t left out and will find it easier to mix. Clothes are usually age appropriate as in style (not cutting edge fashion, just knowing that a tractor probably isn’t great for a 10 year old). Likewise hairstyles, again not ridiculously OTT, just not a bowl cut or a hack job as if anything is better than nothing and it doesn’t matter - these men would not want this themselves (but who cares if it’s a child right). She will often look for after school or weekend clubs that they will enjoy or that their friends are doing and try to facilitate this. Medical and dental appointments are set up (places found, all the paperwork filled in etc) and booked. Shoe sizing. All the stuff from school like homework, trips, non school uniform days, bring in x,y,z that often seems to fly over the father’s head despite receiving the exact same correspondence via texts and emails from school.

In general, although some do, a lot of men do not give as big a shit. They just don’t. They’ve no excuse , particularly if they work the same hours as their partner. The mental load concerning children and often the family unit as a whole generally falls to mothers. Men will care that they are clothed, housed and fed, which are arguably the most important things, but all the EXTRA elements, in every sense of the word more or less falls to mums.

This needs to change. But will it?

Yes!

But i wonder how much is necessary when people complain, constantly, about mental load and how much is 'oh I need Millicent to do ballet because some influencer i am desperate to be like has her daughter doing ballet at 6 months and she can perform swan lake one her own and all the other parents will judge me' or 'I have it in my head i have to scrub the kitchen floor with a toothbrush and other people have to meet my standards'

So stop blaming society and if you have problems in your relationship deal with it

Why so nasty and bitter?

Mental load's not just relevant to partner/children relationships either. Some people (too often men) have never had to take on the mental load and seem to think organisation/admin/remembering/reminding stuff just happens with no effort. They rely on someone else taking on these aspects of being a functional adult but give no consideration or credit for it. For example, my mother is recently widowed and needs a lot of help. My brother will do physical tasks to help her if asked. Since he lives a lot closer to her than I do, she will call if she needs something small doing (eg picking up a loaf of bread from the shop). He complains to anyone who will listen that he has to 'do everything' and that all I do is a little bit of admin for her sometimes. Meanwhile I have spent huge amounts of time sorting our our late father's affairs and continue to spend many hours a week making sure all her bills are paid, sorting out her pensions etc, monitoring her income/expenses to make sure is living within her means, making medical appointments, keeping track of appointment letters/dates and dealing with any clashes (she has several chronic conditions so there is at least one every couple of weeks), taking her to appointments or organising someone else to take her, keeping track of when she needs more medication, trying to organise external help, reminding her to take medication, ordering supermarket shopping (including meal planning with her to make sure she buys food that she can make in to sensible meals). He refuses to acknowledge that any of this takes time (it's just making a few phone calls!) but also refuses to have any involvement with it (he 'doesn't do admin') whilst complaining that I am not doing enough and not doing it quickly enough. I really pity his partner- I assume she does all the mental load at home and he expects praise for cutting the grass occasionally!

Yes.

I don’t understand why women take it upon themselves to organise an entire household and then complain about the “mental load”.

Just don’t do it.

What happens if women don’t do it?

some men might step up. But many won’t. So the child misses dentist appointments and doesn’t get their hair cut. No one shows up at parents evening and there is no packed lunch the day the canteen is closed. The PE kit is dirty, but doesn’t fit anyway. There is no birthday party organised and no friends invited to play.

The child doesn’t do after school activities (although even the concept of this seems to send some into a rage!). Any special dietary requirements are ignored. No one helps with homework’s, and they are missed. Kids aren’t registered for braces. Their clothes are all a bit too small. Girls don’t have period products stocked and waiting. Etc etc

I think a lot of these things are due to most men not wanting children anywhere as much as women do. And women ignoring this...

I dont see what is nasty nor bitter about it

When woman complain they have remember everyone's birthdays on his side or his side will judge her, so what? The world wont end if they judge just dont do it

Or stop complaining about it if you choose to do something you dont have too

I agree.

My sister signs her children up to everything, piano, multiple sports, extra math on weekends. She makes them study a language no one in the family even speaks and even had them take lessons on how to code.

Then she signs herself up to the PTA & another school committee then gets herself involved in committee drama and then can’t sleep.

I’m like “WTF - take an antihistamine and a melatonin and call in sick from work and catch up on sleep.”

Her kids are utterly exhausted.

I’ve told her to stop doing stuff that is completely unnecessary.

I don’t completely agree.

i think it’s an endless cycle. They grew up watching their mums do everything and their dad going down the pub or to the golf course.

they expect the woman to fuss over school uniforms and homework and dentist appointments and swimming classes. It doesn’t occur to them they should know the kids timetable, or meet their teacher, or know some sizes. Know the rules at the new school, sign up for the app, know favorite subjects and think about subject choices.

they don’t see this as a male role so they don’t do it. So their sons watch them and think women live doing all this doing mindless shit and then in twenty years they will leave it to their partner

Just beciase you dislike your sister doesn’t mean there isn’t a gender imbalance in most two parent mixed sex households😂😂😂

I think women are complaining about school lunches and dentist appointments and parent teacher meetings and school uniforms and family holidays and parent teacher meetings.

they are complaining their partner leaves everything to them. I don’t think it’s a class issue, as much as you would love to sneer at women who sign their children up to ballet.

What has class got to do with ballet?

For me, it’s thinking for four people. Myself and three children. My dh only has to think for himself.

Sorry - a poster was talking about middle class women, I mistakenly thought it was the poster who referred little Millicent and ballet.

class has absolutely nothing to do with ballet, I was having a pop at the nonsense some people are posting

I completely relate to the term mental load. The term wasn't around when my DC were little but when I first heard it it was a light bulb moment.
It's reading school letters and organising everything for a school trip(writing on calendar, payment, permission slip, appropriate clothing, change of drop off and pick up time) whilst DH tosses the letter aside without even reading it let alone actioning anything.
It's organising every world book day, nativity, Halloween, dance or drama costume.
It's booking haircuts, dentists and opticians appointments.
It's being in charge of organising childcare
It's the assumption that you will be around to do the childcare ie you check DP will be around to look after DC if you aren't but they never do the same.
Facilitating DC hobbies, ensuring they have kit, paying subs as well as taking them.
It's thinking of and buying, and wrapping every single Xmas and birthday present (and ensuring you have wrapping paper and sellotape)
It's sorting house insurance, car insurance.
Arranging house repairs and booking car into garage for mot service.
Remembering which bin goes out when
Noticing the house needs cleaning and doing something about it.
Its loading the dishwasher and not just putting things next to it.
It's replacing the loo roll, putting it in the loo roll holder and putting the cupboard inner tube in the bin (advanced stuff!)
Planning and shopping and cooking family meals.
Making sure you never run out of milk, bread, pet food etc
Keeping on top of washing and ironing.
Noticing when DC have outgrown their clothes and shoes, getting rid of the old ones and buying replacements.
Looking after pets, cleaning out, ordering food, bedding etc, training, walking, arranging vaccinations etc
If you have a child with SEN or who is ill the mental load is magnified hugely with juggling and meeting all their needs.
If you have an elderly parent ditto.
All of above whilst working full time.
If you are in a partnership and you are carrying most/all of this then it's not a fair division of labour and you are carrying a huge mental load.
It's being responsible for everything for your family and household.
Which is completely different to just sorting yourself out.

This isn’t the first post I’ve seen where someone is asking what mental load is, and questioning, is it not just a normal part of being an adult.

My understanding is… no one is saying it’s a new thing. No one is saying that thinking about all these “adult” tasks didn’t exist in the past. It’s just giving these tasks a name. That’s all it is. In the past we may have called it “things I need to do” or “things I need to think about” or “my life admin for the day” or “running my house.” Now it’s just been given another name…”mental load.” It’s no big deal.