What is the "mental load"

[Noideamatey]

As a single parent for many years, I just don't understand the hoo ha around the "mental load" that's just remembering stuff and being a functioning adult right?

Well sometimes in a partnership one person leaves the other to carry the vast majority of the joint mental load (family stuff that is not solely for yourself); merrily enjoying free time themselves but enjoying benefit from their partners labours. This is very aggravating.

I understand that as a single parent, you might not have someone to help carry the mental load, but I’m sure you can understand how annoying it would be if you did have someone, and they just shirked it.

Yes. Although some people have a lot more things to "remember" than others.

I have a disabled child so as well as managing everything that goes with looking after a child I'm also dealing with

• her medication (daily injection, have to request a repeat every 5 weeks. Medication from GP / needles and sharps bin from different places)
• her medical appointments (albeit not as many now she is older - approx 2 per month - but there are 2 overnight admissions per year as well - for which I need to find childcare for my other 2 DC)
• her academic appointments. She sees a SEN tutor so I have to facilitate this x4 hours per week (x2 two hour sessions).
• ad hoc school meetings. Given how shit they are this is probably once a week. Including emails / requests and suggestions to aid the work she does with her tutor
• her paperwork. DLA and EHCP the acronyms that strike fear in the hearts of every parent of a disabled child.
• all the other shit that comes with being someone's advocate. It's amazing what our disabled children have to fight to receive.

On top of this I work and have two other children (so all the usual life admin that comes with NT children as well) DC2 is going through the secondary school process so we have a month of open mornings I'm having to coordinate and paperwork I'm having to complete (supplementary forms etc). Plus they have x3 banding tests that fall on a weekend.

I have a health condition myself so I'm at the hospital for bloody tests every 3 months and have appointments every 4 months.

Hobbies for DC include football (club x2 dc and matches x1 dc), swimming lessons x3 dc and swimming club x1 dc child, ballet x1 dc x2 lessons per week. Older DC has a school run club every day so although I don't actually have to take him, I still have pay and register etc.

Then there is all the shit from school - Sports day / Fairs / fundraisers / meet the teachers (for the new school year) / children's learning assemblies (throughout the year) / music concerts / cake sales etc.

Life admin is most definitely a thing. And having a disabled child is my tipping point. I have a lot more to do for my wee DC3.

And yes I'm a single parent!!

I think it’s a load of bollocks. Just normal planning and admin everyone did when they weee single but somehow becomes a very. Big. Deal. Once you are in a couple. Wingerthon fodder for the pampered.

It just means all the shit that has to be remembered and sorted out.

If you are single then it all falls to you. It is what it is. It needs to be done and there's only 1 person to do it.

If youre in a relationship and it all falls to you - that's a problem. Everything should not fall to one person when they are in a relationship.

Sometimes things just get too much in family and thats mental load, I think most people can be overwhelmed with family and work boring house hold stuff.

Yes, it is just being a functional adult, and being a functional adult is often hard work! The problem is that functional adults are often married to non-functional (at home) adults, and the imbalance is very unfair and mostly weighted towards one sex.

It is but the “hoo ha” is when women in relationships end up doing it all even though they have a partner. What’s the point in being part of a team if you don’t share the work? If I was having to do it all myself anyway I’d rather be single.

I was a very competent adult that didnt notice mental load, then I had to go through tribunal for a school place for a child with sen and another child with medical issues. It was really a lot to do on top of normal life, and suddenly normal life felt like a big deal. Remembering everything was hard.

If one person does fuck all and the other person now does it all for two, plus any kids, it's a piss take by the bone idle half of the relationship. It's not rocket science.

Imagine you got a partner, who increased the collective workload of the household, but didn’t contribute to the work - other than poorly executed tasks, only when requested, sometimes again and again. That’s the problem. As a single parent, I expect it’s all on you. However if you’ve got an ex who thinks that CMS buys him nanny/PA services, then you’ll be experiencing the unfair balance.

That sounds difficult i bet your brain just turned to mush.

It is:
-knowing what bills are due when and paying them on time
-making lunches for the kids
-making shopping lists, knowing what the house is low on or out of- also spending time thinking about what to eat and when)
-remembering family events (bdays, anniversaries etc) and buying cards/gifts
-making sure the right washing is done in time (school uniforms, sports kit, etc)
-planning christmas, buying gifts, ensuring get togethers happen
-booking and keeping appointments for the children and self, possibly the other parent as well (possibly keeping on top of repeat prescriptions)
-keeping track of the family calendar- and making sure everyone has what they need for their events
-holiday planning

It just shows your lack of understanding of couples and relationships that you don’t understand it.

Yes but sometimes there is just a lot to remember. For yourself, children, the household. When working full time aswell it can be alot to get through. Also , mental load of am I doing this right? Is my child healthy and happy. Maybe some people like yourself are just better at handling it than others.

I don’t think there was as much admin to do in the past. Electricity has taken up a huge amount of my time this last year. Way back in the past I would have gone to the local electricity board showroom and spoken to someone who either would have sorted it themselves or passed the issue to the person who could solve it. Now you spend hours on live chat going round in circles. And that’s just one aspect of modern life

I tend to think of it as the difference between the physical execution of activities versus all the background prep and maintenence for them. For example, my friend's DH tells everyone that he does the kids' football activity. Sure, he physically takes them on Saturday mornings, but their mum is the one on the WhatsApp group keeping track of where the matches are, buying the boots, making sure their kit fits, and washing it every week. She's carrying the mental load, even though her husband thinks he "does the football".

The mental load can be hugely variable between households. So don't underestimate how much work it can be. I don't like it when people minimise the mental load as not a 'thing', it really is and it can be a big job.

@Noideamatey
Do you work a full time 40 hours + per wek professional job?

Agree

Indeed functioning adult stuff. Problem occurs when you marry a non functioning adult and have children with them. Then you end up doing all the functioning adult stuff for them and the kids as well as yourself. Milage varies depending on circumstance.

But when you're in a family, you're doing it for more people. When you're doing it for multiple people with different levels of needs then it becomes more onerous. If you have children then you have field trips, and fundraisers, and parents nights that you have to keep track of for sometimes multiple children. Presumably you don't have that as a single individual.

It's also one of those things that if it's just you doing stuff, you crack on as you see fit. For a couple or a family you need discussion and consensus a lot of the time. If you are waiting for someone else to do something they're supposed to do or they don't pull their weight it's unfair and frustrating.

Yes. The point is-who does it?

Yeah, except if you’re supposed to be in a partnership and you’re the only functioning adult who’s remembering stuff I imagine it’s a bit tedious.

If you are a single parent, then you are of course responsible for all of this.

The frustration when people talk about the mental load is being in a relationship, and then being solely responsible for all this stuff - being the ‘house and family manager’ with their DH just completing tasks when asked.

Which is very frustrating.