What is the "mental load"

[Noideamatey]

As a single parent for many years, I just don't understand the hoo ha around the "mental load" that's just remembering stuff and being a functioning adult right?

@Noideamatey I only identified the mental load a few years ago as well.
As a single parent you know you have to do it all. You don’t have another person who you share life with who os going about their day carefree. You know your lot and get on with it - even if it becomes too much.

i think of course most of us can carry all the mental load should we have to. However, it is irritating having a partner who needs constant telling and reminding and I think this is where the concept of mental load comes from

OP, it is defined by resentment and frustration at the partner who is not sharing the load. I am a single parent (full time, kids have no contact with father) who works, all kids ND. It’s a LOT. I am always exhausted. But you know what? It’s a million times easier and less stressful than when I was married to their father who just left me to manage EVERYTHING. He went to work and considered that his entire contribution. And he made a lot more work for me than just the 3 kids. I hated him by the end of our marriage. The resentment was overwhelming. Now, I carry the mental load without any problem. That’s what people talk about when they complain about ‘mental load’.

Again OP, you've missed the point. If your partner was the child's father and you've created a family together and have in laws and so on. A completely intertwined family so he ought to be doing his share but doesn't, or only if you tell him about the thing that's needed.

No but if they were his kids, surely you would?

Of course not…but if you choose to blend your families, all move in together and have more children together…what then? Still happy to let them only focus on their kids and ignore everything else?

Seriously concerned for your cognitive skills, OP. You seem almost willingly misunderstanding or taking things on a tangent.

I have been a single parent and am currently married. Being a single parent was so much easier in every way, wouldn't mind being one again !

The example you give is perfect because it’s not an ongoing ever renewing task is it? If you work PT to accommodate the rest ..are you still accruing a pension? Maintaining your ability to earn? Or are you carrying the mental load of family life for free, with consequences for your future wellbeing?

You say that, but your opening post was rude wasn’t it.
you didn’t phrase it as a question, you derided anyone who finds it hard going, but also couldn’t seem to work it out, as one poster up thread detailed it isn’t rocket science, that it obviously differs completely from household to household and that the entire point is when only one half of a couple is doing it.

no one is saying it’s hard, they’re saying it’s a thing which needs to be done.

what your saying is if things aren’t difficult, then they don’t count as things. When, of course, they do.

But what if, you know, you had the kids together?? And one person was doing all the remembering and one person wasn’t?

That’s the mental load right there. I would not resent it as a single parent but as part of a partnership it can be bloody annoying being the only one to do dentists, doctors, pay bills at school, talk to the teachers, remember ro buy new uniform, wash the uniform, sign up forms for stuff. And the other parent just has to sort themselves out and not their kids. Now do you “get it”?

When you have kids that’s when the mental load begins.

You aren’t understanding when the phrase is used, it’s used to describe an unequal situation..to describe when one person is taking on the ‘mental load’, it’s generally used in discussions about equality..so to raise it in relation where you are the only one to carry the work is missing the point of what the phrase is used to describe (generally)

Maybe they are just a wind up merchant 🤔

I saw a joke TikTok the other day, where the “dad” rang school and couldn’t answer on the child’s year, teacher, dietary requirements and date of birth. Funny because it does sum up a lot of useless fathers (not my DH though fortunately)

I think I kinda feel sorry for people who don’t understand that the mental load is absolutely a thing.

because the ‘mental load’ I did today, and mostly, is about making life wonderful for myself and my children. Booking ballet lessons and organising the logistics for my dd who loves ballet, researching and ordering a second hand sewing machine off eBay for my dd who loves sewing, and booking tickets for the 3 of us to go to a Christmas show.

do people who think the mental load is ‘just put it on direct debits’ simply never do anything nice?

Was it difficult? No. Did it take an hour? Yes. Should I be cross if there was another adult in the house and I did all this always, without him doing a different thing which took an hour? Of course I should be.

I saw that one too, and did laugh, safe in the happiness that I’m single and don’t have to deal with it!

@Crunchymum bloody hell, that lot, I hope you have some good support. I have four(now older kids) also single parent and worked full-time but I just muddled through mostly be honest. I take my hat off to you.❤

My ex-husband refused to drive despite having passed his test at 18. This meant that I was responsible for all the kids’ clubs, main shops and transport. Basically, I did everything which caused crippling resentment. As a single parent, I still do everything but I don’t mind as I’m not resentful !

There is an absolutely brilliant cartoon by a French (I think!) woman called Emma, it really hits the nail on the head in describing and explaining the mental load:

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

or if you’d rather not click a random link the Guardian did an article about the cartoon:

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

It’s like a group project at work or school where you have to do it all cause the other people just don’t.
its no harder than an individual project where you expect to do it all from the start but that doesn’t mean it’s not bloody unfair and frustrating.

I do expect the father of my children to take on at least half of everything.

Also if you’re in a relationship and it all falls on you, you are also taking on the extra burden of looking after/ looking out for/ picking up after another adult.

Today for example the baby fell down a couple of stairs as DH forgot to close the baby gate after he came up. I found baby clinging to step 3 from the top, screaming. So, added to the mental load is “make sure the fucker closes the gate and keep an eye out for the baby even if he’s with said fucker”

I’ve never heard the expression anywhere other than on MN. Seems like an overdramatic way to describe normal life admin

I had considered that as well. I guess everyone has to have some sort of Sunday night entertainment plans. Some better than others (says the woman who spent tonight watching The Good Doctor while eating popcorn 😊)

Yes this and
Being on school WhatsApp
Reading emails from the schools
Sorting out play dates
Arranging birthday presents for every school friend party, taking child to said party
Buying school uniforms
Sorting out clothes and shoes when they get too small
Buying new clothes and shoes (returning ones they didn't want in time)

Doing all the extra stuff AND working full time like the other parent.