I've decided to be a mediocre wife

[Malara]

I've given up trying to get my partner to do better with sharing the mental load. He has improved a bit but I'm exhausted from having to be the family safety net when it comes to making sure everyone's needs are met.

So I decided this morning that I'm going to be a mediocre wife. I'm not going to anticipate other people's needs, I'll do things when asked - maybe even reminded a few times. I might not do them very well but that's ok, right? I'm deleting all my to do lists.

Is this a reasonable reaction to reaching the end of the line? ( I'm aware divorce is somewhere in our future).

No you misunderstand me. He doesn’t care, I can’t understand why her MIL thinks she should! Unbelievable penis rule book

So check the emails if you have a kid that cant remember basic stuff, ( I know anout the SEN that always seems to pop up on here) but how will they learn if you always " sort it" for them? Don't you people make your own kids keep diary of places / things they need to be doing? Even from primary school we were expected to fill in homework journals and do the homework, get uniform ready to put on the next day and have bag packed ready to go. Also expected to get anything ready we needed for clubs / social events or if it was something we couldn't sort ourselves then give parents adequate notice. My kids had to do the same.. asking inane questions was met with " well go and find that out/ look for it" etc. One of my favourite sayings ( inherited from my dad) is " your lack of planning is not my emergency "

And people wonder why this thread needs to take place lol.

Amazing that you all got together with crap men and had kids. How did you not know what they were like?

Don't you talk to each other?

Sorry, that's French for supply. It's hard being a frog sometimes :)

I've always been a mediocre wife, since way before we had children, so DH's expectations of me were always low. I did and do step up for the children, but continue to half ass the wife bit. DH is a bit mediocre with the children but a devoted husband so it balances. My thinking is - he looks after me, so I can look after the children.

@FuzzyWolf this is my approach too. I do not give a thought to his mental load and frankly no interest in listening him to whinge about it. I sort the 3 DC, dog and myself. I then focus on what I need and want in order to keep going and enjoy life. The fact that DH can't remember to buy his mum a birthday present is not my fucking problem.

💐 sorry to hear it came to this, but I hear you @megachocs7

@LBOCS2 oh that shit still goes on in Y10. Parents sitting with their kids to get homework done 🙄. Nope. I don't nag, am here to answer questions and support. But they aren't my exams etc.

Even my DD8 is capable of getting her homework done solo.

Surely the response is ‘can you remind me to remind you?’

I wrote that badly! I meant the same as you. Why is it her issue.

I did and still do manage most of family admin and finances and worked 4 days and later 2 days a week. It was something my own Mum and MIL did so I think I just carried on doing the same. The difference here is that my DH and DC are very appreciative of everything I do and often tell me what a great Mum and Wife I am. I certainly wouldn’t do it all if it wasn’t appreciated or taken for granted.

I think you need to reframe it OP. You're not going to be a mediocre mum, you'll be a great dad. Cook one or even two dinners a week, take a kid to an activity and fill up the car. Job done!

Haha! Love this.

yes! Usually go for an immediate, deadpan ‘remember you need to x’ If he says ‘ha ha nearer the time?’ I say ‘okay no problem just remind me and I will.’ And then he doesn’t…cos his memory is shit! Tbf mine is definitely not what it used to be. Actually quite freeing, having a head full of dry-ice. What a shame it took five decades to realise organisational competence = poisoned chalice 😂

Just stop doing things for him that he does not do for you.
Does he do your washing? No, then don't do his.
Does he buy your mum a birthday card? No, then don't send one to his mum.

And so on.... makes life so much easier!

This is a lovely take I think it has the capabilities of really bringing a family closer together- as long as children and DH are appreciative. I wasn’t judging by any means - I am thinking of becoming a SAHM and currently talking through roles and responsibilities

Women need to start being strategically incompetent. We've had plenty of time to observe and learn from men who use this to their advantage and now iwe need to deploy the skills that we have absorbed from them.

I'm taking a similar approach. I am in the process of divorcing and I'm the one moving out (just waiting for sale to go through on my new home) so doesn't bother me if the longer term cleaning jobs never get done again, like windows, oven, defrosting freezer, garden etc. that have only ever be noticed by me and done by me for a decade of living together. F*ck it!!

The only problem I see with your proposal op is that you’re doing this from a position of anger and resentment. The emotions have just helped clear your vision to see what is needed. If you can recognise that this is in fact a sensible course of action, then you don’t need to fuel it with anger, which eventually runs out.

It’s very easy to slip into martyrdom, which inevitably leads to resentment. You’ve probably developed a habit of picking up all the responsibilities, and it’s going to take time for you to break that habit. Obviously in an ideal world your dh would have been proactive and not let it happen, but it is what it is. If you can identify your role in the dynamic, it gives you a handle on what you can change.

Start redirecting the dc to bring things to their df - “oh you need equipment, better tell your dad” and leave it at that. Between them they can sort it out.

One thing that has worked well is working out what tasks affect each other and then one or other of us taking on that set of jobs. You might want to think about getting some emails redirected to your dh, so that you’re not the messenger.

We have a sort of informal weekly conference where we share our diaries for the upcoming week, and divvy up tasks that have arisen. Because we’re talking about it, it’s not taken for granted as much, and it helps me guard against taking on more than I should.

I do this, but to be fair I'm the one going through perimenopause brain fog whilst still doing the majority of the life admin, so i have a valid excuse.

So it's her fault her husband is a moron??

I understand your frustrations and while I think your onto a good thing here by only doing as much as your partner - after all it should be 50/50, I would just be worried about your finances or if this decision to delete to do lists etc would effect your kids.

Really?

I remember my DC coming home with actual letters

I’m a mediocre school parent too. I do as little as possible. It’s like a part time job keeping up with emails etc from 3 different schools.