Page 12 | I've decided to be a mediocre wife

MizzThang · 13/09/2025 18:11

You are not being unreasonable, you are at your wit’s end.

That being said, if you’re anything like me, you’ll do it anyway because someone has to be responsible…

AnotherSunnyDay7 · 13/09/2025 18:14

Malara · 07/09/2025 16:16

I've given up trying to get my partner to do better with sharing the mental load. He has improved a bit but I'm exhausted from having to be the family safety net when it comes to making sure everyone's needs are met.

So I decided this morning that I'm going to be a mediocre wife. I'm not going to anticipate other people's needs, I'll do things when asked - maybe even reminded a few times. I might not do them very well but that's ok, right? I'm deleting all my to do lists.

Is this a reasonable reaction to reaching the end of the line? ( I'm aware divorce is somewhere in our future).

Mental attitude to have - I always enjoy coming on to Mumsnet to see how warped female minds are. You encourage each other to do the daftest of things (then inevitably cry together when the husband cheats on - or leaves - his mediocre wife for a woman who has conviction). Your lack of standing up for yourself/standards isn't your husband's fault.

squirrelkeeper1 · 13/09/2025 18:49

Malara · 07/09/2025 16:16

I've given up trying to get my partner to do better with sharing the mental load. He has improved a bit but I'm exhausted from having to be the family safety net when it comes to making sure everyone's needs are met.

So I decided this morning that I'm going to be a mediocre wife. I'm not going to anticipate other people's needs, I'll do things when asked - maybe even reminded a few times. I might not do them very well but that's ok, right? I'm deleting all my to do lists.

Is this a reasonable reaction to reaching the end of the line? ( I'm aware divorce is somewhere in our future).

You sound like you've always been mediocre!

Monstertruckstwo · 13/09/2025 18:52

How's it going? You're a few days in now

Grannyanddoggy · 13/09/2025 18:53

Very amused by all this. I’m a 70 year old grandma and when my kids were young I did all the b/d presents;cleaning;cooking;taking kids to activities;etc in the 1980/90’s. I also hosted Christmas meet ups for 10 people for 11 days. At one point my husband wanted to look for a farm in Portugal when my children were 2 and a baby. I blithely went along with these things including moving multiple times when the children were young. I was exhausted! He thought it ‘I was obviously poor at coping.’ 😂 It took a while but we did get divorced when I’d had enough. But seriously - I should definitely have been a mediocre wife - it might have saved our relationship!

user1471538283 · 13/09/2025 19:02

When I was young and all loved up I spent a miserable Christmas Eve helping to shop for my ex's huge family, I had done mine. I never did it again.

Then one evening I came home and he was only doing his laundry. So from then on I only did mine.

I matched his energy to a tee. We did end up breaking up but it wasn't because I felt resentful and like his mother.

You do you and your DC.

B33cka8 · 13/09/2025 19:05

stayathomer · 07/09/2025 16:32

When you say you’re aware divorce is in your future, is that your final decision or if he stepped up would you be happy to try to make the marriage work (it’s just curiosity as we’re heading towards divorce but it’s because I didn’t realise anything was wrong until it was too late and now I’m not willing to keep going when he’s obviously checked out, if he’d tried to make it work I’d have strongly considered trying)

I'd go the other way and say..if it's in the future I'd fast track that and get the mental peace sooner rather than delaying it

Pinsneedlesok · 13/09/2025 19:14

Inspired! Just got back from a walk and pub stop where my DP managed to drink 4 pints to my 2. So I laid down on the sofa and as he came out of the loo I called politely "could you pop the chicken in the oven and I will come and do the veg in a minute..." So he is now clattering around in the kitchen 🤣. Guaranteed I would typically have let him lie on the sofa! So, thank you for the reminder that being a bit useless, others do step up!

rockonwithyourbadself · 13/09/2025 19:19

Everyone likes a bargain, everyone likes something for free, even if it's us that are the reason it's free.
If you're at the end of your rope, OP, then there's no other place to go., but up, up, and away.

MikeRafone · 13/09/2025 19:25

In answer to your question

yes

then they learn to think for themselves

Bonkersbilly · 13/09/2025 19:26

Take up brass rubbing. Stay out of the house at every opportunity. Come home now and again and show him your rubbings. It is not about being reasonable it is about being queen of your own domain.

GavinStacey · 13/09/2025 19:33

You are such a self entitled generation. I hope you're all disinherited by your D? H family who had the audacity to raise your husbands. We
are humans with feelings just like you.

Justaspy · 13/09/2025 19:34

Others suffer because of your selfishness

Misssmarty · 13/09/2025 19:43

Deny him sex and he will go somewhere else for it

Worthalltheyears · 13/09/2025 19:46

I’ve had a period of illlnes including hospitalisation - my husband absolutely pulled his weight prior to this and continued to do so.
Even so, when I was out of hospital and back home, he did say that he hadn’t realised how much I did in the house until I didn’t do it.
So I think it’s easy to slip into these roles almost without realising it. That’s not necessarily a bad thing but it can be and you need to be aware of it.

EPN · 13/09/2025 19:48

Well loads of men get away with shit husband so mediocre wife is still better than that!!!

N12n · 13/09/2025 19:57

If it's not life or death it probably didn't matter anyhow! It's not about lowering standards in the house - it's about raising your amount of quality time. You won't be on your deathbed feeling guilty about not ironing for 30 years or kids pairing their own socks.

Cardiaga · 13/09/2025 20:03

Misssmarty · 13/09/2025 19:43

Deny him sex and he will go somewhere else for it

That's what divorce lawyers are for

Misssmarty · 13/09/2025 20:14

But surely if you don't give him sex he's entitled to get it somewhere else? If you give in life you receive imo

Wedonttalkaboutboris · 13/09/2025 20:35

AmandaHoldensLips · 07/09/2025 18:02

Is this mediocre wife badge territory? I think not. It's not somehow automatically our job to step in and pick up the slack that any man decides to leave.

My MIL thought I was the devil incarnate because I never once got involved in any DH family expectations. If DH didn't do it, it didn't get done. So none of them got birthday cards, Christmas gifts, blah blah blah.

Ask me if I felt bad about it? Did I fuck.....

I’ve always left my dh to deal with his families side of the birthdays. This always means they get zero/late presents. It makes me cringe but I let it happen. My ‘punishment’ seems to be utterly crap presents from my MIL (I’m not exaggerating, I got a single bar of soap for my birthday one year- the year we got married, when I was heavily pregnant with their grandchild). Still have no fucks to give 😂

TeenLifeMum · 13/09/2025 20:38

My mum is a martyr wife and I’ve always known I would not do that. Dh has to step up but he’s my life partner so we’re equals and it works for us most of the time.

Jesslovesengineering · 13/09/2025 20:38

I'm sorry 6% of the respondents thought YABU, they're idiots. Well, undercover men or the male defence league; same difference.

Never mind mediocrity doll, live a little and try a bit of weaponised incompetence!

Outsidebeanshop · 13/09/2025 20:38

I have taken this approach for a number of years now and my husband has really stepped up. He’s not perfect, and neither am I.

It has really helped to leave him responsible for the things he’ll be noticed for, eg I don’t care what state the kids arrive at nursery / school when he does drop offs (he has even now learned to do plaits / pig tails) I don’t care if their bags are packed properly, that’s on his watch if he’s dropping them off (which is actually most of the time). He probably cares more about the house now, so he’ll do a lot of daily stuff now like resetting kitchen at night and dishwasher (I went on strike and I think it was eye opening for him) albeit I’d still hoover because I like that. We have a cleaner. I still do most of the cooking and meal prep for kids because I care about eating healthily, and them. But if he doesn’t like the healthy slow cooker meal I have planned I tell him he can pick up his own pizza. I have never ever done his washing or ironing, or bought or enquired about whether he needs toothpaste, shower gels etc he buys his own and I buy mine. I sort presents for my family, and I do sort nursery, kids parties etc, but I absolutely do not sort his family out, thats on him (and guess what, he’s really stepped up, maybe he is aware that the expectation is that the woman sorts stuff and maybe he’s embarrassed that his wife isn’t so he wants to make it look like I am? Who knows (but that would be a horrendous state of society if that’s the case)). I do the online food shop but again that’s to make sure I get the nice healthy food. Highly recommend becoming a mediocre wife xx

Wedonttalkaboutboris · 13/09/2025 20:39

GavinStacey · 13/09/2025 19:33

You are such a self entitled generation. I hope you're all disinherited by your D? H family who had the audacity to raise your husbands. We
are humans with feelings just like you.

Lol. I watched my mum, my gran, Aunties etc. practically wait on and serve the men of my family for their entire lives and thought ‘nope’. It’s worked out very well for me so far. I’m married to a man who pulls more than his weight and absolutely dotes on me.

Jesslovesengineering · 13/09/2025 20:41

Justaspy · 13/09/2025 19:34

Others suffer because of your selfishness

Refusing martyrdom is not the same as being selfish.