I've decided to be a mediocre wife

[Malara]

I've given up trying to get my partner to do better with sharing the mental load. He has improved a bit but I'm exhausted from having to be the family safety net when it comes to making sure everyone's needs are met.

So I decided this morning that I'm going to be a mediocre wife. I'm not going to anticipate other people's needs, I'll do things when asked - maybe even reminded a few times. I might not do them very well but that's ok, right? I'm deleting all my to do lists.

Is this a reasonable reaction to reaching the end of the line? ( I'm aware divorce is somewhere in our future).

I’ve been an extra-brilliant wife for decades and I made a rod for my own back. I do and carry absolutely everything. I’d do things so different if I had my time again.

I decided this a long time ago also, when I finally decided I wasn’t going to raise an adult child along with my children. One thing I installed, which may sound lame, was a shopping list. I don’t eat/use everything I buy, so I don’t know if it’s run out or running out. So if something does, put it on the shopping list and I’ll buy it. Recently, my husband and adult kids have gone without shaving gel, razor blades, cordial, bread flour, mayonnaise (🤢) and baked beans.
If they ask why I didn’t buy it - it wasn’t on the list. If they say, but we told you, I say menopause brain makes me forget so that’s why we have a list!
I don’t buy gifts for his family, he knows his family better than I do and certainly has never bought anything for mine! I used to have to nag him to phone his parents- and then I just stopped one day. I don’t push him to organise visiting his family anymore, if he won’t be organised doing it, then he has to fit round everyone else’s plans.

You can change now, just little things, it’s never too late to stop raising adult man child. Start to regularly forget to do things, then tell him he never reminded you.

Get him to do his own laundry too. No more crushed clothes heavy jeans smelly mixed wash . I’m disabled with chronic energy deficiency and just washing my own light, smaller clothes is a revelation, less crushed, less ironing, less pegging out, smell fresher .

What’s a mental load?

Forget it…sorry. Obviously little things mean a lot these days…

I had a period a few years ago where my career workload suddenly doubled. I just stopped doing the housework and cooking. After a rocky few weeks, my DH finally realised he would starve in a pigsty dressed in dirty rags unless he stepped up, and he continues to pull his weight now. No amount of nagging works as well as simply downing tools and leaving them to it.

It's never too late to stop.

Me too.

@DryAndBalmybeibg unhappy doesn’t make you a brilliant wife. Quite the opposite

your just returning the same energy. Fairly reasonable

Retirement is on the horizon and I’m going to use it as an opportunity to shake things up. Draw a line and rip up the old rule book.

My parents are in their 80’s. My dad’s jobs are to do ironing, hoovering and loading the dishwasher. He also cooks occasionally but my mum hates that because of the bombsite he leaves the kitchen, and he’s enthusiastic but not that skilled! He never did this stuff before he retired but then my mum retired very early so she was a stay at home wife for a good 10years before my dad retired. They can change even later in life if they view the marriage as a partnership.

I hear you!! I’ve done the same, I’ve given him 12 months to make an effort and its been minimal, still needs prompting (so I may as well do it myself) and its still always ‘to help me’.

I’m currently looking for somewhere to live and once I’m settled I will start the divorce process.

I’ve realised now I’m in my 40’s there’s more to life than being everyone’s skivvy and I deserve better! So do you!

Join this group, it's great! https://www.facebook.com/groups/410364763121879/?ref=share

Sorry, but that’s just unkind. Being a crap and disengaged parent isn’t something to be proud of.

Make sure you tell him so he realises why there’s no food in the fridge for his lunch.

it’s really hard to be passive aggressive as they just don’t see the stuff you aren’t doing. My DH and DS literally don’t care the bathroom is manky!

What's wrong with a secondary school aged kid reading emails themselves to see what's important and actually affects them though? They aren't babies

I was hopelessly capable as a wife when I was younger but I’m getting better every year! I don’t even cook for him more than a couple of times a week these days, because he far prefers a crap upf diet and I don’t.

No one said they’re babies, but they’re still children who deserve being supported by their parents. Being there for your child through their achievements is something most parents would relish. Being indifferent is sad and it won’t go unnoticed by the the child.

Poor parenting. Not good enough.

Far from it. I never missed a parent's evening or school play, and spent most weekends ferrying them to gymnastic competitions and cricket tournaments. I was always fully engaged and supportive of the actual important stuff. But I never sweated the pointless small stuff which comprised the majority of school admin.

Who said they arent there throughout their kids achievements.? Ice sat through numerous looong awards ceremonies whether it be from school or cadets etc.

Much of stuff schools send is unnecessary drivel or not relevant to your child

Yes, exactly. For the 20 seconds that DD was on stage receiving the maths prize we were suitably proud and pleased. The other 2 hours, 59 minutes and 40 seconds dragged.

How do you know if it’s relevant to your child if you don’t read it!

All of mine have been able to read by the age of 11 funnily enough