I've decided to be a mediocre wife

[Malara]

I've given up trying to get my partner to do better with sharing the mental load. He has improved a bit but I'm exhausted from having to be the family safety net when it comes to making sure everyone's needs are met.

So I decided this morning that I'm going to be a mediocre wife. I'm not going to anticipate other people's needs, I'll do things when asked - maybe even reminded a few times. I might not do them very well but that's ok, right? I'm deleting all my to do lists.

Is this a reasonable reaction to reaching the end of the line? ( I'm aware divorce is somewhere in our future).

But a wife doesn't have to do it for his family just dont, all this 'I will feel judged if I dont' doesn't wash just dont do it

Yeah, I adopted this strategy and he just dropped his standards even lower. How? I don’t know. Basically, we all started suffering.

I left him 3 years ago and life is MUCH better now. I soon realised the slob made more work for me by being around in the house. He was an extra child.

Club mediocre? I aim for even less than that LOL. He can fuck off if he isn't happy. Slavery is gone! We have two kids now which I already take care of 80% time. He is an adult, dealing with his own needs is the bare minimum he can do.

On my in laws bdays I text them and maybe a video with the kids, if he forgets I don't remind him. He does his own laundry, cooks his meat (I am vegetarian), sorts his admin out ie car insurance, kids football, doctor appointments, mot. Also, during the weekend he takes both kids out for a few hours so I can have some free time.

I used to keep the house so clean! now I do bare minimum and he picks up the slack sometimes, but will get a cleaner in 2 months, paid by both which I find it unfair but c'est la vie.

Men will pray on you for as long as you allow, not even out of malice, is just the way they are wired. Lazy entitled bastards.

My priority is me and the kids. In my eyes he is childcare, sex and money.

I am an AMAZING wife and mum to his children and he is so lucky to have me. If he keeps on doing the bare minimum I will get a divorce in 10 years once kids are older and I would throw a PROPER party to celebrate it! because I remember all those times (years) when I have gone above and beyond for him and he had showed me his true love for me. I move past but I do not forget.

Extra message made by mistake

Omg the audacity!

At 58 I wish I had decided to do this because for about 20 years I was the one that bought Xmas presents for his sisters and mum every year and now one of his sisters is downright rude to me and DH just ignores it. Trying to accommodate for his inadequacies got me nowhere! I don’t regret being there for my kids though.

@AnotherSunnyDay7
When did I say I feel unloved? And why do you think I 'sit there walking' (sic) my family into the grave (whatever that means)? I agree with you that that particularly strange part of your weirdly angry screed is hard to understand. Is there a point in all that garbled nonsense?

Before you accuse people of poor reading comprehension, you need to learn to express yourself a wee bit more clearly. Maybe also read over what you posted. Of the two of us, I can safely say I'm the one who knows what an ad hominem is.

As an aside, it's quite funny to see someone profess their love and admiration for their wife and wax eloquent about their marriage in a bullet point.

I dont think it is about mediocre. It is about being good enough, not perfect. And your DP will learn.
i try to always remember that my DP did survive before he met me and he did know how to work his wahing machine, feed himslef (albeit ready meals!), keep his flat in a reasonable state of cleanliness and tidyness and hold a job. No reason why he should not be able to do this now!

@AnotherSunnyDay7 it's funny, somehow I knew you were a man before you said it. Wonder why.

Yeah, I think we're done talking 😅 again - thanks for the laughs.

Maybe it was my opening comment "I love coming on to Mumsnet to see how warped females can be" (paraphrasing)?

And hey - if me calling out the silly & immature at best / dangerous at worst attitudes of "hey girlies, I'm fed up with my husband not taking the bins out so I'm gonna destroy my marriage/relationship by being a shit wife so my kids life is eventually turned upside down" puts me on the recieving end of among the stupidest people I've come across on the internet this week criticising me, it's worth it.

Young woman reading the complete drivel posted by 80% of you on this thread deserve more. And the thinly-veiled misandry you aim at me because said 80% chose to bring life into the world with a shit partner is hilarious. Be more accountable for your choices. Don't blame me or other men because you've created an environment whereby your better half would rather sit on his phone that spend any quality time with you. Have a look in the mirror.

My advice is:
Always chose someone who has the same mind set as you, always.
People who like to live in immaculate homes, spend hours cleaning, throw everything they don’t want away, don’t have any clutter, put everything away before they go to bed, don’t buy any unnecessary things etc etc should only ever be with a like minded partner.
If you are a person who appreciates thoughtful gestures and you do things such as: make your oh a cuppa in a morning, cook them breakfast, buy their favourite chocolate/drink/snacks, buy cards, spoil them on their birthday and at Christmas. Book and plan treats for them etc etc then you should be with a likeminded partner.
Opposites may well attract but they don’t work out long term,
Happy relationships occur when both people share the same values and out the same amount if effort into a relationship.
You can retract and ‘do your own thing’ but you will not achieve happiness. Resentment will build.

If the wife is home not working then we should be picking up the little jobs while our husbands work. And keep ourselves in shape.

Is that a joke?

I set up a business when kids went back to school which mil described as for “pocket money” 🙄. Would love to tell her that I now out earn Dh. I still do slightly more than him but to be fair he does loads. He even - to the shock of many - does Christmas.

Mediocre wife? Who says it’s your duty to run around after him in the first place? Please remember YOU matter too. This is supposed to be a partnership. It’s not your job to make him happy. Please take care of your own wellbeing.

Women on here are so sexist !!
You only have to go outside any school gate to see it's the women that are lazy. Home all day , out off shape , drinking coffee etc. The men are out working, cleaning the streets emptying the bins , building the houses etc.
As for the children it's a well known fact they turn out better with a father in there life

@Misssmartywhat are you even doing on this thread? Trolling every comment. Go mansplane elsewhere.

MN regulars who are very keen on men being on MN should have a look at this thread.

I see the exact opposite Miss Marty don’t know where you live.

My friend used to get the park and ride and many of the women her included would stand up as the bus drew in and run to their cars. One man actually asked my friend “why do the women run?” None of the men did. Hard deadline nursery pick ups seemed to be the women’s problem not the men’s 🙄

Your husband will just want to keep you happy! If jobs and plans are occuring to you and will bother you if they don't get done make a list, you will feel hard done to at first because you might feel that making a list is a big job but for the sake of 10 mins holding a pen it will take a load off you and he will feel he is accomplishing your wishes. Women expect men to talk about their feelings but most men aren't built that way. My advice is don't make things a test, be clear with what you want and expect and don't keep a mental scoreboard of who has done what job and give the jobs a score to be held against the other person, as a man we want a happy and easy life. You got with your man for a reason and he will want what is best for you and your kids and I think you would be surprised about how much he is willing to do.

It is tough having kids for both parents, try not to scream and shout it just makes us feel defensive and attacked, do things for yourself. If he isn't taking you out or treating you, don't be funny about it and get angry just say you have earned that spa day so he will have to watch the kids on whatever day while you are having some meal time. He will be happy you are happy and will hope you will be nice and relaxed upon you return and that some hanky panky will ensue. Don't make yourself out to be a victim, you both wanted kids and divorce and arguing is not good for kids. Hang in there and don't give up, I don't understand how vindictively pulling away could be a good thing or why you seem to be encouraged to do so, don't give up things will get better as long as you keep trying.

Also try not to watch romantic movies and expect that from your husband and feel hard done to about your life not being like that, this is the real world and we all have a tonne of pressures and responsibilities that are not in movies. Life can be hard and you have chosen someone to walk it with, don't be encouraged to end things because the grass is greener and you think the right man will just happen to come along and sweep you off your feet and make all of your dreams come true, it's not going to happen. Own your choices and make the most of them.

Stop being a safety net for everyone, or they will just take avantage.

@AnotherSunnyDay7 "Don't blame me or other men because you've created an environment whereby your better half would rather sit on his phone that spend any quality time with you. ".

Haha I will tell my dh that one. Honey, if you want to sit down and look on your phone while I run around getting dinner and the kids sorted just go ahead. Just tell me it's my fault because I "created an environment where you rather sit on my phone then spend time with family". Jesus wept.

The more you do for them the more they expect you to pick up after them, when you help them you hurt them and keep them like babies.

I have the same problem my girlfriend. But we don’t live together and she knows I will walk if she don’t pull her socks up, it’s my own fault, I always want to help people and expect just a little reciprocation, but in reality the more you do for them the less they do

Occasionally you meet may like minded people, buts it’s rare.

I feel your pain - tells me to communicate my needs if I feel something needs doing… doesn’t want to listen… invalidates my feelings and views and has the nerve to put his terms on everything to suit his needs while mine are never met. P.s 7 years down the line he has no intentions to marry me (better not married to protect his assets) with a son and has gave me hints he wants to expand the family, all while he makes me a convenient servant. I don’t have my family with me for support nor my health is good. I can see the End also. Best of luck and always follow your gut feeling 🙏🏼

I am a divorced man who had to fight hard to gain 50:50 custody of DC.
I believe whenever a couple move in together all chores/ domestic tasks should be discussed and shared equally.
Some women may choose to be 1950s housewives - and these will prove very attractive to many men but unlikely to be appreciated.
I am particularly critical of women who choose a subservient role as a temporary courting tactic only to throw their arms up in disgust years later after the strategy has achieved its goal. A domestic reset may be possible but it is far from certain.