Page 10 | I've decided to be a mediocre wife

Malara · 2025-09-07T15:16:56+00:00

I've given up trying to get my partner to do better with sharing the mental load. He has improved a bit but I'm exhausted from having to be the family safety net when it comes to making sure everyone's needs are met. So I decided this morning that I'm going to be a mediocre wife. I'm not going to anticipate other people's needs, I'll do things when asked - maybe even reminded a few times. I might not do them very well but that's ok, right? I'm deleting all my to do lists. Is this a reasonable reaction to reaching the end of the line? ( I'm aware divorce is somewhere in our future).

JockTamsonsBairns · 08/09/2025 19:41

Summerhillsquare · 07/09/2025 16:26

Oh I wish I'd done this from the off, might not be divorced now. So many women start off trying to prove their worth and being super partners, and end up embittered when it's not reciprocated.

Yep, this was me. I piqued far too early and set too high a standard from the get go.

Divorcing now after an exhausting 21 years.

damemaggiescurledupperlip · 08/09/2025 19:57

You’ve decided to be a wife , not his mother

Gingernessy · 08/09/2025 20:00

blahblah33 · 08/09/2025 18:19

I have been the back bone for 16 years, something extremely difficult happened to one of my parents early this year and I really needed my DH to step up and be the back bone. He didn’t and told me he didn’t want to - I am now also a mediocre wife and mum in some respects (to my selfish older teenagers) - and no one is liking it 😂 the toddler can have everything I’ve got to give!

But then your toddler will grow up to be a selfish teenager because you've spoilt him/her ( only joking 😁 can't win in that case can we)

Wildefish · 08/09/2025 20:09

The problem is, if you’re not that kind of person you will find it hard to not help, than to help. I hope that makes sense.

BernardButlersBra · 08/09/2025 20:20

I'm a firmly mediocre wife and my husband knew what he was marrying. I'm very unrepentant about it. Interestingly my MIL is impressed at what l do and frequently says so, my mum however thinks l need to up my game. But l have toddler twins, am perimenopausal and have a recent diagnosis of fibromyalgia so l kind of have to. I'm unwilling to run myself ragged for other people's laziness, even my husbands. My mum is still annoyed 🙄

Shudahaddogs · 08/09/2025 20:29

" I didn't see it comming"
" male loneliness epidemic "
You do right lov.

coxesorangepippin · 08/09/2025 20:32

Bluebellsparklypant · 08/09/2025 19:10

saying "Yeah, we could do with doing that, feel free when you have a minute."

Im So using this line !

On this note I'll add:

'Oh yeah, we need to'
"No, I haven't got around to it'
'Oh yeah'.

And don't say anything else. Just leave the sentence hanging there

coxesorangepippin · 08/09/2025 20:33

The 'we' approach (I.E. Women) can get to fuck too':

'We need to plan a vacation'

'we need to decide XYZ'

Etc ad nauseum

Shudahaddogs · 08/09/2025 20:34

Leanne55 · 08/09/2025 18:14

I have to say both myself and husband are classed as disabled in different ways but both phusiical6and both in pain at times, I manange to work part time with adapted duties which enables us a better life, we split what's left after bills 50 /50 yet he don't don50/50 of household chores admin birthdays etcetc we have grown up kids but still need us at times in crisis, I not stopped cooking, as do 80 percent of any cleaning, all laundry (don't iron) and food shops, cooking is very limited and he carnt be arsed so why should I goout once per week get a takeaway and quick meals jacket potato or something fuck why should I do it all!,
Stopped buying his family birthday gifts but sent cards found out he had nipped to tesco and got bits so he can do it🤔🤣🤣🤣🤣, I class us as equally disabled issues, although he is unable to work I am lucky I found something I can do yet as I'm a female I'm still expected by society I will do 80.percent if any cleaning etc etc just way it is something had to give so cooking it was!!!

Men are 627 times more likely to leave the relationship when the woman becomes ill. Trust me, hes staying only because there is something in it for him.

Hopingtobeaparent · 08/09/2025 20:41

bumblebramble · 08/09/2025 12:47

The only problem I see with your proposal op is that you’re doing this from a position of anger and resentment. The emotions have just helped clear your vision to see what is needed. If you can recognise that this is in fact a sensible course of action, then you don’t need to fuel it with anger, which eventually runs out.

It’s very easy to slip into martyrdom, which inevitably leads to resentment. You’ve probably developed a habit of picking up all the responsibilities, and it’s going to take time for you to break that habit. Obviously in an ideal world your dh would have been proactive and not let it happen, but it is what it is. If you can identify your role in the dynamic, it gives you a handle on what you can change.

Start redirecting the dc to bring things to their df - “oh you need equipment, better tell your dad” and leave it at that. Between them they can sort it out.

One thing that has worked well is working out what tasks affect each other and then one or other of us taking on that set of jobs. You might want to think about getting some emails redirected to your dh, so that you’re not the messenger.

We have a sort of informal weekly conference where we share our diaries for the upcoming week, and divvy up tasks that have arisen. Because we’re talking about it, it’s not taken for granted as much, and it helps me guard against taking on more than I should.

Love this!!

My concerns, OP, was the lack of communication potentially? Have you said you’re moving the goal posts, or just wanting to watch the carnage unfold?

Bit of a flag though that you were blamed for him messing up the school equipment. I mean maybe you could be blamed for perhaps disempowering him to be a more involved father? 🤔

I hope the reduced load, mentally and physically, works better!

Pinkproseccolady · 08/09/2025 20:43

Wish I'd thought to do this many years before the inevitable divorce! He came from a large family and even had the cheek to get irate with me for not being able to find suitable birthday presents for his parents!! Ended that arrangement quickly!

PersephoneParlormaid · 08/09/2025 20:58

I stopped making sure his family had birthday/xmas presents and cards some time ago. It’s very freeing.

Delatron · 08/09/2025 21:03

I never did his family’s presents/cards for all nieces and nephews. He forgot for years. His sister was cross. MIL had the audacity to have a go at me! I very much told her it was his domain.
She chooses not to remind him either so..

DH annoyed me about something years ago so I stopped doing any of his laundry. That was liberating. I’ve never ironed anything of his.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/09/2025 21:09

I think you're unreasonable about what makes a good / bad wife.

picking up his slack to be a good wife means being complicit in a situation that breeds contempt.

I've NEVER taken on DHs adult responsibilities so when he misses the odd one, I'm happy to help if he asks / is clear on what he needs. I'm a SAHM but I've never taken on the whole house because we both live here. He works full time but I've never expected so be the default parent in every situation. I have weekends away with friends and the kids are fed, entertained and the house is clean. If he leaves bathing them to me cos he doesn't like it, I don't mind because he's done jobs I never do.

That would make me a mediocre wife in your story but I feel like that makes me a good wife because I'm complicit in an equal marriage.

Absolutely step back op where it won't harm the kids. Let him step up or off. You're not his Mom

NettleandBramble · 08/09/2025 21:17

I've always been mediocre. I can highly recommend it.

Idontneedanotherhero · 08/09/2025 21:36

stayathomer · 07/09/2025 16:32

When you say you’re aware divorce is in your future, is that your final decision or if he stepped up would you be happy to try to make the marriage work (it’s just curiosity as we’re heading towards divorce but it’s because I didn’t realise anything was wrong until it was too late and now I’m not willing to keep going when he’s obviously checked out, if he’d tried to make it work I’d have strongly considered trying)

I just want to say divorce is in my future but if he stepped up now it would be too late. 15 years, arguably my best years, of an unhappy marriage, and I’m finally done.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 08/09/2025 22:26

Why are so many people focussed around presents for his family. Surely OP means daily family life for her own family. Cleaning, household chores, shopping, meals, children’s school admin, children’s sickness, doctor/dentist appointments, activities, family plans, social life, holidays etc etc.

formerbrosfan · 08/09/2025 22:40

‘Mediocre wife club’ - I like it, do we start getting this printed on T shirts or be ironic and go for tea towels 😆😆

Leaningtowerofpisa · 08/09/2025 22:52

arcticpandas · 07/09/2025 17:45

Seriously? You didn't read the emails from school when your daughters was in y8? Sounds crazy to me. Or lazy parenting tbh. As your child is only 12 in y8 school has to communicate with you. Can't believe you're proud of yourself for this.

As for the school WhatsApp group all that ended in secondary- the kids all have phones and can reach each other which is a relief I will grant you that.

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When I grew up in the 80’s my mum didn’t get a school newsletter or do supervise homework.
Amazingly I survived!!
Somehow I passed lots of exams inc A levels university and a masters. No newsletters were ever read in the process. She wouldn’t have had a clue how to help me with homework.
My mum was quite disorganised and hated ironing and cleaning up so house was untidy ( not unclean ) with 3 kids. My Dad was working away a lot initially and didn’t like the mess but I think my Mum was a bit scatty and loved reading magazines instead! She was kind and funny and sang songs and did silly dances with us.
So yeah seriously - not reading those stupid damn newsletters - god I hated the damn things. I am so glad not to have another non uniform/ sodding dressing up day nested 5 pages in on section 4.5.6.7 where I didn’t get to read to.

All hail the mediocre mother and wife. Long live the women that claim something back for themselves and manage not to end up wondering who the absolute heck they are after 20 years of servitude. I think the expectations on mothers and women in general today is a total joke.

JockTamsonsBairns · 08/09/2025 22:59

Leaningtowerofpisa · 08/09/2025 22:52

When I grew up in the 80’s my mum didn’t get a school newsletter or do supervise homework.
Amazingly I survived!!
Somehow I passed lots of exams inc A levels university and a masters. No newsletters were ever read in the process. She wouldn’t have had a clue how to help me with homework.
My mum was quite disorganised and hated ironing and cleaning up so house was untidy ( not unclean ) with 3 kids. My Dad was working away a lot initially and didn’t like the mess but I think my Mum was a bit scatty and loved reading magazines instead! She was kind and funny and sang songs and did silly dances with us.
So yeah seriously - not reading those stupid damn newsletters - god I hated the damn things. I am so glad not to have another non uniform/ sodding dressing up day nested 5 pages in on section 4.5.6.7 where I didn’t get to read to.

All hail the mediocre mother and wife. Long live the women that claim something back for themselves and manage not to end up wondering who the absolute heck they are after 20 years of servitude. I think the expectations on mothers and women in general today is a total joke.

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Love this!

TakeMeDancing · 09/09/2025 00:19

MumOf4totstoteens · 08/09/2025 18:18

Well I’m an only child we don’t really have family events. His family never want my kids there. It’s always “no kids allowed” but my stepdaughter 15, niece 14 and nephew 10 are always allowed. They say because mine are little that the older ones are an exception so I just say I’ve got no babysitter which is true most of the time anyway

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What? As in, “Sorry…no kids allowed at Christmas”? Or, “No kids allowed at the BBQ”? WTF?

JournalistEmily · 09/09/2025 06:33

The amount of women i know with men like this is staggering. No idea how they do it.

Marry an organised one. 2) Be lazy like me.

arcticpandas · 09/09/2025 06:49

Leaningtowerofpisa · 08/09/2025 22:52

When I grew up in the 80’s my mum didn’t get a school newsletter or do supervise homework.
Amazingly I survived!!
Somehow I passed lots of exams inc A levels university and a masters. No newsletters were ever read in the process. She wouldn’t have had a clue how to help me with homework.
My mum was quite disorganised and hated ironing and cleaning up so house was untidy ( not unclean ) with 3 kids. My Dad was working away a lot initially and didn’t like the mess but I think my Mum was a bit scatty and loved reading magazines instead! She was kind and funny and sang songs and did silly dances with us.
So yeah seriously - not reading those stupid damn newsletters - god I hated the damn things. I am so glad not to have another non uniform/ sodding dressing up day nested 5 pages in on section 4.5.6.7 where I didn’t get to read to.

All hail the mediocre mother and wife. Long live the women that claim something back for themselves and manage not to end up wondering who the absolute heck they are after 20 years of servitude. I think the expectations on mothers and women in general today is a total joke.

Show quote history

Well, in my case I'm a sahm so ofcourse it's me reading the emails. On the annual class reunion there are about 60/40 women and men so when I say being an involved parent I wasn't talking about women in particular.

I think it's irresponsible not reading mails from your child's school. Some information is really important; books to buy, excursions (what to bring), etc etc. It doesn't take long but your child will be penalised if you're not up to date.

Midnights68 · 09/09/2025 07:47

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 08/09/2025 22:26

Why are so many people focussed around presents for his family. Surely OP means daily family life for her own family. Cleaning, household chores, shopping, meals, children’s school admin, children’s sickness, doctor/dentist appointments, activities, family plans, social life, holidays etc etc.

Edited

I think because one of the only examples of work women sometimes end up taking on that’s optional and easy to drop without harming a child. So people focus on that particular thing to create the impression that it’s actually all illusory and all the OP’s fault.

I agree with you, OP is almost certainly talking about school admin, laundry (doing it and putting it away), food shopping, cooking, cleaning, being a parent - children’s birthdays, children’s clothes shopping, helping children with friendships via shared events, parties, gifts and so on, emotional help for children, activities, holidays, planning childcare for school holidays, and so on.

MellersSmellers · 09/09/2025 08:02

I wish I'd adopted this stance 40 yrs ago. Unfortunately if you're too competent you enable laziness and it's very hard to correct! The sooner you absolutely establish the 50/50 rule the better.
My DH had a very demanding but ££ job years ago so I, working PT, kept everything going at home. However, when he moved to a less well paid job 10 yrs ago somehow nothing changed??