I've decided to be a mediocre wife

[Malara]

I've given up trying to get my partner to do better with sharing the mental load. He has improved a bit but I'm exhausted from having to be the family safety net when it comes to making sure everyone's needs are met.

So I decided this morning that I'm going to be a mediocre wife. I'm not going to anticipate other people's needs, I'll do things when asked - maybe even reminded a few times. I might not do them very well but that's ok, right? I'm deleting all my to do lists.

Is this a reasonable reaction to reaching the end of the line? ( I'm aware divorce is somewhere in our future).

Half the country is average or below. But if you were to conduct a poll, more than half would say they’re better than average.

You were probably more mediocre than you thought before the changes.

I do this, but I have to be honest - even ‘just’ this plus a job has pushed me to the brink with exhaustion. It’s hardly 50/50 is it?

Different experiences then

And even back in the dark ages when I went to school, there were letters home. Not many, but some.

I have to say both myself and husband are classed as disabled in different ways but both phusiical6and both in pain at times, I manange to work part time with adapted duties which enables us a better life, we split what's left after bills 50 /50 yet he don't don50/50 of household chores admin birthdays etcetc we have grown up kids but still need us at times in crisis, I not stopped cooking, as do 80 percent of any cleaning, all laundry (don't iron) and food shops, cooking is very limited and he carnt be arsed so why should I goout once per week get a takeaway and quick meals jacket potato or something fuck why should I do it all!,
Stopped buying his family birthday gifts but sent cards found out he had nipped to tesco and got bits so he can do it🤔🤣🤣🤣🤣, I class us as equally disabled issues, although he is unable to work I am lucky I found something I can do yet as I'm a female I'm still expected by society I will do 80.percent if any cleaning etc etc just way it is something had to give so cooking it was!!!

I don’t think anyone is asked to take on the mental load. It is insidious, and feels like an unspoken expectation which is handed over silently, from boys being mothered by their Mothers, and expecting mothering from their wives.

It is thankless. It is tiresome, It is unfair. Yet a large majority of us burden it, as no other MF will…..and we feel ‘less than’ if we don’t

Well I’m an only child we don’t really have family events. His family never want my kids there. It’s always “no kids allowed” but my stepdaughter 15, niece 14 and nephew 10 are always allowed. They say because mine are little that the older ones are an exception so I just say I’ve got no babysitter which is true most of the time anyway

I have been the back bone for 16 years, something extremely difficult happened to one of my parents early this year and I really needed my DH to step up and be the back bone. He didn’t and told me he didn’t want to - I am now also a mediocre wife and mum in some respects (to my selfish older teenagers) - and no one is liking it 😂 the toddler can have everything I’ve got to give!

probably more mediocre than I thought before the changes…

I’m going to have that printed on a t- shirt and wear with pride

I'm happy to drop him on his ass but still feel utterly enraged and impotent that his lack of care means I can't ensure I have only a fair share of the 'kid benefitting' chores. They need parenting, feeding, help planning school work, a clean (enough) home, family fun times, hygiene, clean clothes, help maintaining friendships through mutual events/sleepovers/gift giving/ etc, etc and damn etc!. And if this doesn't fall to me it just....falls. And I think he knows damn well I won't drop anything if it's for the kids and he is a swine for exploiting that.

I’m really sorry you are in this situation but I think you have so clearly articulated the situation so many women find themselves in.

This is why ‘just don’t do it’ doesn’t work. This is why ‘just ask him’ doesn’t work. This is why ‘how did you allow this to happen in the first place’ is a stupid question. Because there’s very often a deliberate exploitation by male partners of the fact that most women won’t allow their children to suffer in order to make a point (and question whether it would even achieve anything other than to harm the children anyway).

My two favourite times of year when I was younger used to be summer and Christmas. I now associate them with exhaustion and anxiety.

The only time I made a point like this was when my husband wore shirts for work and I seemed to end up dealing with them every weekend. Once I just didn’t and he seemed surprised he didn’t have one to wear on the Monday. He started wearing casual dress after that. That’s as bad as it got to be fair and I think it was more about not being used to wearing smart clothes (he’s in IT so generally worked in T-shirt and jeans for years).

It has literally never occurred to me to do the gift shopping for my husband’s family. I like them, so will occasionally suggest things if he’s looking for ideas but he does all the shopping etc for them. I mean he did it before we were together so why would I take over?

That's awful. I can understand why you're not keen on them. I can't imagine me or my extended family leaving anyone out because of age. Suddenly feel lucky.

By NOT being a mediocre wife you’re being an enabler. Go for it. You might find everyone steps up.

It’s a reasonable reaction and yanbu but I know when I tried a similar tactic it caused me almost as much distress as the situation that made want to do it in the first place!
I did everything around the house, kids and worked-less than my husband but he literally did nothing, which isn’t reasonable!
The result was the house was a mess, but that bothered me a whole lot more than it bothered him!
I’d suggest bringing the divorce forward if this is the best option for you!

I've never really understood these women that do the cleaning, cooking, ironing, kids and shopping and then spent all their time moaning about how they have to do absolutely everything. Organise your division of labour in a better way! Also you must have known what these men were like when you dated them and then married them?...

Totally agree with this. Have you seen The Change, with Bridget Christie? She logs all the chores she does and the time she takes, and has books and books of them. She goes off and leaves her husband to it...It's a great show!

good for you! I wonder how long it will take them to notice?!?!

I agree, I feel like I've always been a mediocre partner haha

Yep I posted something similar.
We can’t not do the kid related stuff and if you have pets, you can’t not do those things either!
My ex literally didn’t care if he lived in a hovel but it drove me insane!
Example of what would happen in my situation-if my ex had a day off sick, he would ring and cancel my Mum coming over (she would take my disabled daughter to school and back, walk the dog, clean litter trays and generally potter around the house doing what needed doing)
Ex’s attitude was he wanted the house to himself so he could play on his PlayStation!
so I would come home to stinking cat litter trays, washing up and an agitated dog who hadn’t been out all day!!
so basically I’d be punished for the fact that he’d had a sick day!
school run was only thing he’d do, which took literally a couple of minutes!

saying "Yeah, we could do with doing that, feel free when you have a minute."

Im So using this line !

so Tired of the mental load 🙏 sending hugs

As a Semi Retired Love Goddess I don't really have the problems you discussed.

However, l do have many beloved mortal, female friends who have now become very mediocre.

After years of running around like headless chickens looking after their spoilt children and feckless husbands.
They were exhausted.

Obviously you have to do the essentials feeding children.basic house work.

But the best piece of advice a newly married woman or partner can get.is

Sit back, file your nails, look pretty and act dumb. A la Marilyn Monroe poise.

Have a happy life Girls

XXX

Yep this is what I did.
we were home our seperate ways within 18 months of it happening.

Yeah they have never liked me. If there’s something important to my husband that I’m there obviously I go but otherwise I give what they give out. Been married 11yrs now and they make it perfectly clear they still prefer the ex. Who goes to EVERY family event I just cba with trying after all these years now. Sad really.

Too easy to write quit

To quit *