Boyfriend drinks too much

[Michrose]

I am 47 and been seeing my boyfriend who is 55 for almost a year . Kids get in well with him and I get on with his kids. He is loving , caring , generous , does lots for me . He is at second stage of divorce and their house is on the market . He sleeps in his old daughters room as she moved out . However he likes a drink . I didn't think too much ti start with but it's starting to put me off. Then when he is sober and being helpful etc I feel ok. Examples are he gets drunk but won't stop drinking . Pisses all over my toilet floor , stares at me with his tongue out. Drops tobacco all over my floor. He is never nasty . Times when I'm certain he has had a drink before he comes over as gets drunk too quickly on small beers. He showed me a clip of him falling over drunk on the pavement of him before we met and was laughing , then yesterday one his daughters showed me a photo of him being carried it on stretcher by paramedics when he was drunk once and fell down stairs . She showed me because at the bbq yesterday he fell of his grandsons balance bike and cut his leg. He was staggering and stuffing spicy food in his mouth and trying to kiss me .x his other daughter stopped him drinking and has said in past he should stop. I have found my peace after an awful divorce . I have my own house for me and my children . I need peace . He brings me calm often and so good with the kids but everytime he gets drunk which every weekend it puts me off . At times he is down the cricket club texting me which I like but he repeats himself and says he isn't drunk . Then later says he is , I had one night out with my friend to see a tribute band and he didn't like it , saying i was mugging him off . He isn't a cruel person and never been horrible. He has not once let me down . He later said I should go out and his own insecurities , I can't help how I feel when he is drunk it puts me off and I worry he won't stop and I can't settle down with someone who gets silly when drunk .

IMO it’s insane to knowingly get involved with someone with alcohol problems when you have children. With a child that’s only 6 that’s many years of being exposed to a drunk. Just look up some stories of people that had alcoholic parents/step parents. It’s traumatic and he’s not her parent so it’s completely unnecessary for you to bring this man into her life.

Sadly it already sounds too late for you it seems like you are already very immersed into this man and relationship. You’ve come here to ask the question and you’ve got some excellent advice but you’ve spent the whole thread making excuses for his behaviour. I’ll bet your friends/family have tried to talk to you about him and you’ve also batted them away making excuses etc. bottom line he’s not a very nice man if he’s doing the things he’s doing. It doesn’t matter if it’s once a week it shouldn’t be happening at all. End it now or you’ll be 5 years down the line in an even worse situation

No everyone likes him . They haven't seen him drunk like I have . He is really nice man and everyone I know that knows him says the same. That's what makes it harder for me.

Sorry I meant my daughter is 7. She doesn't see him drunk .

I lived with someone like this OP , he too on the surface was quite kind, good with my kids, thought the sun shone out my arse, but it became clear after about a year he had a serious problem with booze, started to make stupid decisions, got aggressive if I ever dared comment, got very moody if he wasn’t allowed 3 cans a night of ‘strong’ lager - at one point we were very skint and he prioritised buying booze over food, lost his licence and at that point I called it a day ! Seriously OP , alcoholics don’t always present as arseholes, they just often become them.

I'm not suggesting you are playing the victim now. I saying that you cannot continue a relationship with a man who clearly cannot control his drinking and play the victim later.

Could he change his drinking habits? He would already have done so if he could control his drinking, it's not quite as straight forward if he's an alcoholic. I think it's possible you are very naive about the reality of alcoholism.

Yabu for staying with him as he’s an alcoholic and a nasty vile drunk. Get rid.

Get rid. No nice side of him will ever compensate for the awful, pitiful alcoholic side of him.

You seem to want people to minimise this and give you permission to carry on, OP.

Carry on if you want. But as someone who was married to an alcoholic (and had an alcoholic for a father), I am telling you that what you are seeing now is the tip of the iceberg.

He is on his absolute best behaviour and its already terrible. His behaviour as you have described here is tragically awful. Imagine what it would be like if, God forbid you moved in together and he really let his guard down.

You have one life and you have children to raise. Would you really throw that away so you can become a carer to a dribbling drunk?

I couldn’t be doing with this. I’d end the relationship and tell him why.

He can't control his drinking, his behaviour when he is drunk is grim, and he is already showing signs of being controlling.

You've got some kind of rescue fantasy going on. Of course he is nice right now, he's still wooing you.

Unless you want an alcoholic cocklodger dragging your life into chaos and blighting your DD's childhood, step away now.

I cut a man off recently partly due to his drinking, he was getting black out drunk every weekend, didn’t know his whereabouts and his friends were calling me at 2 in the morning asking if he’d turned up at mine because they couldn’t find him, falling over, he’d get kicked out of the pubs for being too drunk, bombarding me with messages that made no sense at all, ringing me telling me he’s laid in someone’s front garden and lost(that was the final straw for me) he’s almost 30 and I’d expect someone to grow out of that behaviour way before then, so in his 50s I wouldn’t find it acceptable or appealing tbh. He was a lovely guy when sober, but an absolute pain in the arse once he’d had a drink. Monday would come round and He’d give the whole “I’m cutting down on drinking now it’s no good for me” then guarantee Friday he’d be back out drinking. Only dealt with him for a matter of months because it was too much and in your position I’d be doing the same.

Well he has always been nice . We have never argued not once . I know people who are close to him and all say he is nice. his soon to be ex wife had affairs and called a mutual friend saying she wants him to be happy as he deserves to be. He really is nice just when drunk annoying

None doesn't get like that, he has never been nasty to me or anyone . Doesn't really go out only with me but does go cricket club with their teenage sons after football .

And yes he says the same. He is a better person when not drinking

This

Why would you even want someone like this in your life? He sounds revolting and you have young children ?

”My youngest is 7 . She had to meet him at some point as I have no support for child care..”

This comment jumped out at me. I hope this does not mean you are leaving her in the care of an alcoholic you have known a year? Or are you saying whenever you meet him she needs to be there as there is no-one else to look after her (not ideal but a better scenario than the first)?

Anyway, what everyone else said. You need to end this relationship. Read back what you have posted about this man’s actions. If your daughter described a boyfriend to you who displayed that behaviour what would you say?

But it doesn’t sound as if you have any intention of doing that and you have an answer for everything. I don’t see the point of this thread.

So he knows that and drinks anyway- that’s as good definition of a drink problem as any.

His own children were showing you evidence of how out of control his problem is. And you say he gets drunk every weekend. That’s the time when most people enjoy themselves together.

You’re right to be put off by his drinking. Don’t doubt that. This is who he is and will b week in and week out. All you have is pleasantness on week days. Don’t settle for that.

He may well be nice. Most people have some endearing qualities. Even alcoholics. It’s irrelevant.

You’re not really facing the issue though which is that he’s a problem drinker. Even based on the “best behaviour” he has shown you in the short time you have been together it’s clear he has an advanced problem with alcohol. It’s almost certainly why his marriage ended, regardless of what he has told you.

The thing about alcoholics is that their primary relationship is always alcohol. So all the nice things he does for you and your kids etc are things which will eventually come second after having a drink. He may have told you he will “cut down” but he won’t be able to “cut down”.

He will either have to stop drinking completely (possibly with rehab), or you will be stuck in a cycle of broken promises and worsening health and behaviour. Alcoholism is a progressive disease so it gets worse over time.

I’m sorry if I sound harsh. But the hard reality here is that the number of alcoholics who manage to actually stop are in a minority. He will have to really really want to stop; not because you’ve nagged him but because its his number one priority. Even then the odds are against him stopping.

I just don’t think you have really gripped what you are taking on here or realise how bad it can get. Its just not worth it.

You seem to be focusing too much on the fact that he’s never been nasty to you(even though he’s shown signs of being controlling by not liking you going out without him) rather than the real issue which is his behaviour once he’s had a drink, it’s not normal.

You think that people here are too black and white but they understand overlooking red flags and it being harder to dump someone the longer that you’re with them. This man has so many red flags.

This man doesn’t think he has a problem. If he stops because you ask him to rather than because he wants to stop, then he will use it against you in a future argument. Divorce means that you should be more careful picking future partners as you’re older and wiser.

You’re clearly looking for people to say that it’s not a big deal and his sober behaviour is the true him but you might not know the extent of his alcohol
issues and you could end up trapped. I’ve read plenty of stories on here where a woman wants to leave an addict but can’t because he wouldn’t cope on his own and just drink (or whatever) until he kills himself. Don’t end up his nurse and cut the cord sooner rather than later.

You said ut yourself op in your last sentence
Nope. He's not the one

OP. If your daughter went out with a man like this. What would you say to her?

So he refuses to take responsibility for his drinking. This is not the sign of someone in a position to take control and sort himself out. It's pretty abject at his age tbh.