Boyfriend drinks too much

[Michrose]

I am 47 and been seeing my boyfriend who is 55 for almost a year . Kids get in well with him and I get on with his kids. He is loving , caring , generous , does lots for me . He is at second stage of divorce and their house is on the market . He sleeps in his old daughters room as she moved out . However he likes a drink . I didn't think too much ti start with but it's starting to put me off. Then when he is sober and being helpful etc I feel ok. Examples are he gets drunk but won't stop drinking . Pisses all over my toilet floor , stares at me with his tongue out. Drops tobacco all over my floor. He is never nasty . Times when I'm certain he has had a drink before he comes over as gets drunk too quickly on small beers. He showed me a clip of him falling over drunk on the pavement of him before we met and was laughing , then yesterday one his daughters showed me a photo of him being carried it on stretcher by paramedics when he was drunk once and fell down stairs . She showed me because at the bbq yesterday he fell of his grandsons balance bike and cut his leg. He was staggering and stuffing spicy food in his mouth and trying to kiss me .x his other daughter stopped him drinking and has said in past he should stop. I have found my peace after an awful divorce . I have my own house for me and my children . I need peace . He brings me calm often and so good with the kids but everytime he gets drunk which every weekend it puts me off . At times he is down the cricket club texting me which I like but he repeats himself and says he isn't drunk . Then later says he is , I had one night out with my friend to see a tribute band and he didn't like it , saying i was mugging him off . He isn't a cruel person and never been horrible. He has not once let me down . He later said I should go out and his own insecurities , I can't help how I feel when he is drunk it puts me off and I worry he won't stop and I can't settle down with someone who gets silly when drunk .

Stop being silly. My kids are never around him when he is drunk. When he is drunk he is never nasty or spiteful. He doesn't live with me. My kids are not around him when he is drunk. Like I have said many times.

It sounds like he has a problem with alcohol, and you now need to decide if you want to be involved in that.

Fine. Continue to say "oh but he doesn't do that....he won't do that..." in response to everything but you asked if you're wrong to feel upset when he gets that drunk. No, you're not wrong. You should be upset because he can't control his drinking and you won't change him no matter how much you convince yourself that that one time you asked him to he managed to cut down, because here you are. It's still a problem.

Stop splitting hairs, stop nitpicking that his behaviour isn't as bad as what some of us are illustrating (these are our lived experiences of where it escalated to) and once he increases his drinking he won't have the money because he'll be incapable of running a business and earning it so don't rely on that argument either. He is not some magical anomaly compared to all of these other men, he's just not there yet.

Living with an alcoholic only gets worse.

I went out with a guy like this in my 20s. Was he an alcoholic? Probably not. Did he gets pissed and it totally change his behaviour. Yes.

It was the most annoying and boring relationship I’ve ever had. He was also lovely btw, but after a year of going out with him and having to walk him home, or make sure he didn’t piss the bed, or fall asleep on the couch at 3 in the morning, any good points he had became totally insignificant. He became increasingly unattractive with each pissed occasion.

He won’t change, so you need to decide if this is something you’re willing to put up with.

You sound as if you’ve been through a lot *but you’re now in a good position in terms of the rest of your life - aside from this guy. Unfortunately he prioritises alcohol over his relationship with you and others. Many of the people responding to your post are speaking from experience, as am I. This won’t get any better but your life will once you draw a line and move on. Right now he’s giving you the ick but it will get much, much worse.

I have spoken to him and he keeps saying he is sorry and was drinking as nervous me meeting his older children and grandchildren . I have met the younger children . Said he will stop drinking . I said o don't think you will and you have a lot going on with divorce and selling house and maybe you should wee at home and make a mess for her to clear up not me.

For as long as you are in denial you will not waken up and see the truth.
You keep on making excuses for him.
You clearly feel the need to have a boyfriend no matter who or what he is.
So be it.

Why did you bother to write a thread when you choose to deny or ignore every bit of advice that is being given.

I wrote the thread because i have no one to talk to . Simple as that. I wanted to talk to someone that's all. To get my thoughts out and work out if I was looking too deep into. I don't feel I have to be with anyone. He is my first boyfriend since I divorced in 2022. I haven't felt the need and I met him and he was so kind and still is. Just that times when he drinks he acts silly and clumsy.

' Just that times when he drinks he acts silly and clumsy. '

another excuse for the alcoholic.

Very possibly she won't let him piss on the bathroom nor mothers him anymore when he falls drunk somewhere at 3:00 am, luckily he's found someone who enables his addiction.

OP, he doesn't 'act' silly and clumsy. He IS silly and clumsy because he's had too much to drink. Does he drink ONLY at weekends? Or is he just a little bit drunk all the time and he's worse at weekends?

Just asking these questions because your answers seem to indicate that you think an alcoholic has to drink every day. An alcoholic is anyone who has any kind of problem with alcohol. If he only drank every second Thursday he would still be an alcoholic if he couldn't go that second Thursday without a drink.

FWIW I think he's making excuses. I think he already knows his drinking is a problem. The drinking isn't the issue here - the issue is what is he going to do about it? Apart from try to drink when nobody can see.

He has told me today he will stop drinking and sorry . Feels bad. I said well that's down to you . I said it upsets me and I won't put yo with it anymore . So we shall see. I don't think he will stop and if he doesn't then I know what to do. I think the divorce and trying to get house sold isn't helping either . I just want peace .

i don't live with him so I don't know . He said he doesn't drink at home. So on a Friday he was drinking and when we go out has a few . He did have a few in week at times down cricket club after football. I see him most days but don't know if previously he has been drinking . A few times I have said how can you be this drunk after a few so had my suspicions . Sometimes we have a meal and cinema and he only has a beer. There are times when he just has a coke so I think this is good and then other times he gets so drunk o don't want him touching me.

He has told me today he will stop drinking and sorry.

Result! Now you can waste more of your time trying to catch him out in the obvious lie.

For someone who wants peace, by hitching your wagon with an alcoholic, you have a weird way of securing it.

I just said I will see if he changes . Which is as of today. I won't hang around if he doesn't .

OP, he has a serious drink problem.
You are both in denial.
Is this really all you feel you and your children deserve?
Is this what you want them to bring home to you as partners?
You are modelling their future.

They don't see him drunk . I would never allow that . My kids I always put first which is why I am unsure to continue x he is very good to my kids and own. Does do much for them and is which makes it so much harder

Yes, he has lots going on with his previous relationship, so in all, despite his good points, he’s probably not a great catch at the moment. Whereas you sound as if you are. You’re in a good place, so don’t let anyone diminish that, however lovely they are.

Yeah this is the problem . I am ready but he has alot to sort still.

If he says he’ll stop drinking, see if he does and if he can. Many alcoholics are extremely nice, kind, intelligent and articulate people until they put a drink inside them. We say that one drink is too many and a hundred not enough - it’s the “off” switch that alcoholics don’t have which “normal” drinkers do and know when to stop.

Children of alcoholics often adore their parents and have codependent relationships. They’re often very protective of them and their failings.

I hope that he can stop on his own. If he can’t, he could give AA a try.

In 10-20 years you'll be his carer.

How did you not get the ick with the demonic tongue stare thing?

You obviously don’t want to listen to reason. Your children are going to get hurt. You will be responsible.

Parents always think they are protecting their children and keeping them shielded from the alcoholic partner. They are always wrong. Always.

Why on earth are you cleaning up his piss? I would have absolutely made him clean it up himself.
Why do women do this ? If I accidently pissed on my host's floor I would be mortified and clean it up myself.

He is showing you a total lack of respect by leaving you to do it. He's not 3 years old and you are not his mother.