To not want a random boy to stay just because DH does?

[Geniusonit]

Sorry for the clunky title didn't know what else to write!

Long story short, been with DH for 7.5 years. He's got a 12yo DD, he has 50/50 custody of her although sometimes more if her mum goes away with her partner like atm. She has an older brother he's 19, DH isn't his dad, was sort of a stepdad figure when he was with his ex but since they split they didn't have contact and his ex made it clear he wasn't his dad so she wasn't going to allow it.

Anyway, yesterday her mum and younger siblings (toddlers so under school age before anyone asks) and mums partner went away leaving DSD with us and her brother on his own. DSD went back today because she'd forgotten something and then called DH in a panic.

He went round there and her brother was on the sofa sort of out of it and he'd clearly been beaten up, he had injuries on his face etc. DH managed to sort him out and he brought him back here with DSD, apparently DSD was anxious about him being on his own.

When I got back from being out with my sister he had gone back to sleep on our sofa. Hearing from DSD their mum had kicked him out so he obviously snook back when he knew they'd be away. The brother said he didn't know who beat him up but didn't want to report it, said he’d sort it which does sound as though he knows who it is. DH thinks he should stay as he doesn't want him getting into any trouble or hurt again, he doesn't think he's got a concussion but another injury to the face/head so soon obviously wouldn't be good.

I personally don't feel comfortable with a random boy here but he says he's his daughters brother. Am I being U or is DH being soft (for context, he is a head of year in a school and is quite soft on troubled teens especially as he thinks they need kindness not just discipline)

But OP also has to live with this troubled teen. Personally, I wouldn’t want to either.

Exactly 💯 this.

This boy is far from "random". He is brother of DSD, and your DH was previously a SD/ Father figure for him.

I understand the OP's concerns in one way, e.g. safety, no full story, the fact that he no longer lives at his mum's (who btw sounds like some piece of work). However, this is the 19 yo brother of her DH's daughter, who has just been assaulted quite badly and is in clear need of safe shelter & support for a few days.

I really don't think having him stay for a few days or a week while he & DH contact his mother (&his dad) and help sort out his life a bit is really a lot to ask tbh. The OP is being extremely cold imho, and risks damaging her relationships with both her DSD & her DH if she doesn't show some heart & support to her brother in his 'hour of need'.

P.s. 'random' boy, her DSD's brother , like jeez OP!?

Tend to agree - there needs to be a careful balance between heart and mind - and the welfare of all 4 children living in the home has to be taken into account - plus a newborn at some unknown point

I personally would be very cautious and not make a rushed decision based primarily on emotion

Agree. I think too many posters have got caught up in the use of the term 'random'.
If @Geniusonit had just put DSD brother people may have focused more on the issue - a 19 yr old has been beaten up, refuses to report it and has no where to officially live because their mum has kicked them out.
I wouldn't want to be taking this young person in either. Something serious must have happened for mum to no longer want him in her house and may also be concerned of his behaviour around DSD and the other younger children.
I think DH needs to take emotions out of this situation and think of what has happened for this to happen and to direct this man to appropriate services.

I'd probably let him stay, as he's your step daughters brother. Not a random boy. I'm a softie though.

Rule number 1 of mumsnet :
Never ask a question if you are a step mum , you will be slaughtered and told you are unreasonable no matter what .

I think you're BU, but your DH needs to speak to his ex and find out what has been going on that he was kicked out. If it's drug related then I'd be worried. But I think describing him as random is unreasonable.

This. So many kids by so many different couplings, plus kicking out kids and an assault. It’s like a Jeremy Kyle episode.

I would let him stay but I would be very wary. It sounds like he may have got involved in the wrong crowd. But for dds sake I think I would give him a chance. I hope your dh can get to the bottom of what has happened.

YABU - he’s not some random boy to your partner; he was his stepfather and clearly feels that he has some parental responsibility to the lad. Clearly the boy needs some help and guidance so you would be very harsh to kick him out under these circumstances.

My first instinct would be to call his mother (even if they’re on holiday) and talk through the whole situation with her. You would then have a lot more context.

I wouldn’t WANT him to stay, but I’m an adult and I realise the world doesn’t revolve around my wants, so I’d let him stay in the circumstances. He might be a stranger to you but he’s not really a random boy either. If it was a homeless kid my DH has found on the street I would put my foot down and say no, but that’s not the case here.

I actually think your husband must be a lovely man. I really like how he is caring for this boy. I do think you are U and should give him a chance at least. If he brings trouble to your door that’s different. It actually sounds like his home life before may have been a bit shit if mums new partner is giving him grief and mum is not standing up for her son. Put rules in place and give him the spare room and tell him he has one chance. Then show him you care about him. He’s a kid. They still need parenting at 19.

When did we become a nation so reluctant to help others? We no longer offer help if it’s of the slightest inconvenience to us. Sad really. We’ve lost community and family.

exactly this.

Of course anyone can say "fuck expectations" about anything, but it will likely make you unreasonable. So whether or not something is expected, is relevant on an AIBU thread.

This is what makes me so angry about these stepparent posts. When YOU enter into a family, how dare you then displace existing children from their own family. OP is the random woman in DSS's eyes.

I've already acknowledged the “random boy” wording. I'm not sure why posters are focusing on that rather than the bigger picture.

He did stay last night, he told DH his mum was his PIP appointee, she sort of sold it to him that he then wouldn't need to talk to anyone, it’d be her except she'd take his money. When he found out she started giving it to him but they asked him to leave, he doesn't know why. He was then staying with “friends” who'd make him buy things constantly and they knew his card details. When he was beaten up they took his card and he sort of thought they were joking but they obviously weren't, they beat him up and left him.

He was still saying he doesn't want to report it to the police, they'd say it's his fault and then said he didn't want to talk about it anymore he wanted to go to sleep. We don't know how much this is true, DH has tried calling his mum not long ago (where she is is 2 hours ahead) but she didn't answer. I'm not sure why he didn't just say in the first place though, obviously if it is true I feel awful for thinking the worst of him but there was no need to be so cagey about it

This is not some random kid. It's your step daughters brother, was once your husband's step son. How could you be so cold and want to turf him out alone when he's hurt and probably scared, without no one around to look after him?
It doesn't matter if you've not met him, he's part of his sister's family so you should help.

So he’s the victim of financial abuse from not only his mother, but his new flatmates. He needs help. Have you helped him lock his card?

I think that’s OP’s point though - boy isn’t being up front about what’s going on so she doesn’t actually know what the risk might be. I think allow him to stay but on terms (truth, police etc)

So, despite you not wanting a total stranger to stay in your home, your husband went ahead with that anyway.

He does sound like he's a vulnerable and needs help and you have now decided that it's going to be you. And so now you have a strange young man staying in your home and you will be his support person.

Good luck to you all 👋

I was team DH atbthe start but even more so now.
You have a disabled teenager at home who has been kicked out and then taken advantage by ‘friends’.
It also sounds like this teen has been taught you can’t ask for help and he needs to be fully self reliant (hence the ‘I’ll sort it out’). That’s the sort of things I’d say and I’m struggling with childhood trauma.

Whilst I fully agree that the answer is NOT for him to move in with you, I feel that supporting him finding his feet again is fair.
He can stay in his mum’s house until she comes back at the very least. It might be not enough time for him to find some accommodation (which clearly wasn’t even sorted when the ex kicked him out) but there is a need to start the ball rolling really.
Is his father involved in any way?

Sorry I know people on this thread who are advocating for this young man to be taken in are essentially good people but the sheer naivety is astonishing.

Of course he knows who attacked him , or certainly who ordered the beating and it was probably about drugs.

It would be sheer madness to allow him to stay in a house with a pregnant woman and other children.

You would want a gang turning up at your house for revenge?

He does however need to be taken to A and E to be checked out. If I were your DH I would also remove my daughter from that house.

I've already acknowledged the “random boy” wording. I'm not sure why posters are focusing on that rather than the bigger picture.

Because some posters only read the first post and rush to give their two pennies worth without bothering to read any subsequent posts.

Buckle up OP, you're in for a long ride if you are going to reply to them all.