To not want a random boy to stay just because DH does?

[Geniusonit]

Sorry for the clunky title didn't know what else to write!

Long story short, been with DH for 7.5 years. He's got a 12yo DD, he has 50/50 custody of her although sometimes more if her mum goes away with her partner like atm. She has an older brother he's 19, DH isn't his dad, was sort of a stepdad figure when he was with his ex but since they split they didn't have contact and his ex made it clear he wasn't his dad so she wasn't going to allow it.

Anyway, yesterday her mum and younger siblings (toddlers so under school age before anyone asks) and mums partner went away leaving DSD with us and her brother on his own. DSD went back today because she'd forgotten something and then called DH in a panic.

He went round there and her brother was on the sofa sort of out of it and he'd clearly been beaten up, he had injuries on his face etc. DH managed to sort him out and he brought him back here with DSD, apparently DSD was anxious about him being on his own.

When I got back from being out with my sister he had gone back to sleep on our sofa. Hearing from DSD their mum had kicked him out so he obviously snook back when he knew they'd be away. The brother said he didn't know who beat him up but didn't want to report it, said he’d sort it which does sound as though he knows who it is. DH thinks he should stay as he doesn't want him getting into any trouble or hurt again, he doesn't think he's got a concussion but another injury to the face/head so soon obviously wouldn't be good.

I personally don't feel comfortable with a random boy here but he says he's his daughters brother. Am I being U or is DH being soft (for context, he is a head of year in a school and is quite soft on troubled teens especially as he thinks they need kindness not just discipline)

But her DH can and wants to help, he helped raise the boy.

Got to go, so just letting any more abusive misogynistic women who attempt to shut me down know that I won't see your messages.

OP, hope to hear an update from you to say you were able to stay safe in your own home and not have your husband foist a strange young man on you.

Accusing me of derailing as well?

Great, off you go!

You have the biggest chip on your shoulder I think I’ve ever seen!

”Shut you down” whilst you’re literally telling others what they can think?

Women are not a hive mind and able to risk assess and make their own decisions.

Your experiences do not mean I have to think your way.

The boy is hopefully being looked after still.

OP, yanbu, however this tends to be life with men with former partners, children with them and their other children too, from yet other partners.
And now another child on the way?
It really is all the children I feel desperately sorry for.
Parents moving on and the children get left behind as inconveniences, when new partners come on the scene.
Yanbu not to want an unknown young man to you, possibly troubled and angry, in your home when your children return, but it doesn't sound as if your opinion counts for much with your husband.
Concerning as you are pregnant.
It does read as a mess unfortunately.

So? His pregnant wife doesn’t want a chaotic stranger imposed upon her in their family home. If that doesn’t take precedence over his desire to white knight for a former stepchild he hasn’t seen in years then his priorities are truly fucked.

His biological parents, they're responsible for him, or not as he's 18.
It's sad, 1000's of young people find themselves in this situation.

But that doesn’t mean that others can’t step in when he is being let down.

Strangely enough I was reading about the footballer Dele Alli today (used to play for Tottenham), he had a dreadful upbringing and some parents of another youth player took him in and looked after him, not their responsibility, but they still did it.

Being let down by your parents is tough and sometimes young people need an older persons guidance, there is a connection with the DH and this boy.

@thebabayaga2025 It's extremely telling that the women who are abusing me are resorting instinctively to personal insults, attacks and vile words

Says the one who began their first post by calling us all imbeciles 😂

Why has the boy’s mum gone on holiday without 12 yr old daughter? Plus kicking her 19 year old son out. She’s not winning mother of the year any time soon I don’t think.
Anyway, I’d probably let him stay a night or two but only if he didn’t bring any trouble to the door. He must have been staying somewhere previously if he’d been kicked out of his home?

Neurological development ends at age 24 so I think it’s reasonable to help out a 19 year old. He might legally be a man but he’s at beginner level.

I think it’s really good of your DP. It’s not ideal but life is messy. When a lot of adult figures in your life are let-downs you always remember the few who were warm towards you.

It’s quite sad as here would be an opportunity for a potentially troubled teen, kicked out of his mother’s house and currently on the wrong path to live in a supportive home with with a different adult who cares about him and also happens to be a strong male role model - which could set him back on the right path.

Give him a couple of days OP he is a teenager who is obviously in need of help.

After that have a chat as a family to see if he has friends he can stay with.

Does he work or is he still in education?

I wouldn't deny him a safe haven if he needs it as long as he behaves while he's with you. He's not a random boy, was part of your husband's life at one time and the brother to his daughter. She will appreciate that kindness too. As long as nothing threatens your safety, I see no harm. It won't be for long.

My DH got a concussion and we didn't realize it. I thought he was drunk. He'd been hit by a car and had no memory of it.

Please, please take this young man to a hospital.

And turning away DSD brother will make her hate you. I would if I were her.

One night is fine, especially as your own kids aren’t there this weekend.

Did he end up staying?

He must have been staying somewhere previously if he’d been kicked out of his home?

Exactly - is there any reason he can't go back there?
Or are these the people he's fallen out with/beat him up?

There are so so many unknowns

Where is his father?
Does his mother have family nearby?
Does his father '' '' '' ?
Does he have friends locally?

Could any of these people look after him for a few days?

Also agree he should seek a medical review for possible concussion/other injuries

I had a conversation with my son recently. He said it’s easier to be a woman, I asked why, he told me as a young man he would automatically be viewed with suspicion and not given help if he was vulnerable and needed it. Reading this I know exactly what he means. It’s bang on.

My job is being 1-1 often with boys at that age. I’ve seen them shake with fear. They’re still kids. Have a heart.

On that basis I think he needs to have a bit of time spent to investigate just what has happened and what should happen next.

People seem to be making up their own stories here with scant information. Because he got beaten up he must be in with a violent crowd? Young men are frequently subject to violent assaults, it's very common. I remember my friend's brother was set upon at university and he is the most mild-mannered person.

I agree with this. Not getting this person medical attention might really come to bite you all in the arse.

It sounds like DH had used the word concussion in order to get OP to allow the man into her home but if there is even 1% chance he has concussion, a bleed or any neuro or head injury at all, I would be getting an ambulance or taking him to A & E, especially as he has no relative to decide the other way.

It's like DH wants to help but.....doesn't. A person with a head injury that doesn't want medical attention is in no place to decide.

OP - get this person medical attention. If you came down to find him dead on the sofa the following morning. Big questions are going to be asked.

Your DH has of course done the right thing. But I do agree you have a problem if this man will not be honest with you how he got to this point, like why did his mum kick him out, what he was doing to end up injured. Him telling your hubby to not question him when he was watching a movie .. not great in your own home. Unfortunately though I suspect if he was living on the streets there is a very sad story on what happened to him and he might be too traumatised to say.

If I saw my stepbrother beaten up and my dad wouldn't help him, I would find that really unsupportive of my dad. Your husband is doing what's right for his daughter.

He does need to speak to ex and find out why he was kicked out and see what she's says and whether she'll take him back in after he's been assaulted.

Poor boy. Can’t believe you wouldn’t let him stay when he is in need.

Crikey OP, did they miss you when the milk of human kindness was handed out ?

Show your dsd how to see to his injuries, let him sleep and have a shower, then give him a decent meal, and he'll probably be on his way.