To not want a random boy to stay just because DH does?

[Geniusonit]

Sorry for the clunky title didn't know what else to write!

Long story short, been with DH for 7.5 years. He's got a 12yo DD, he has 50/50 custody of her although sometimes more if her mum goes away with her partner like atm. She has an older brother he's 19, DH isn't his dad, was sort of a stepdad figure when he was with his ex but since they split they didn't have contact and his ex made it clear he wasn't his dad so she wasn't going to allow it.

Anyway, yesterday her mum and younger siblings (toddlers so under school age before anyone asks) and mums partner went away leaving DSD with us and her brother on his own. DSD went back today because she'd forgotten something and then called DH in a panic.

He went round there and her brother was on the sofa sort of out of it and he'd clearly been beaten up, he had injuries on his face etc. DH managed to sort him out and he brought him back here with DSD, apparently DSD was anxious about him being on his own.

When I got back from being out with my sister he had gone back to sleep on our sofa. Hearing from DSD their mum had kicked him out so he obviously snook back when he knew they'd be away. The brother said he didn't know who beat him up but didn't want to report it, said he’d sort it which does sound as though he knows who it is. DH thinks he should stay as he doesn't want him getting into any trouble or hurt again, he doesn't think he's got a concussion but another injury to the face/head so soon obviously wouldn't be good.

I personally don't feel comfortable with a random boy here but he says he's his daughters brother. Am I being U or is DH being soft (for context, he is a head of year in a school and is quite soft on troubled teens especially as he thinks they need kindness not just discipline)

What does that even mean?? I’ve read the OP’s posts. The 19yo is her husband’s ex-step child, the 12yo is his child with the 19yo’s mother, the OP is pregnant with the husband’s child and has other kids with a former partner, and the mother of the 19yo has other young kids with a new partner. No mention of the 19yo’s father.

Hardly sounds like a functional situation. Does that clear things up for you?

He is not his stepfather. Many years ago, when the young man was still a child Dh was a "sort of stepfather figure" to him. After they split up the ex "made it clear he wasn't his dad so she wasn't going to allow it" and he has had no contact with him since the man was a child. Without more information, it sounds like a tenuous relationship and regardless it was a long, long time ago.

Whatever happened to the young man in the last decade or more has nothing to do with OPs husband, he has not raised him, doesn't know him, has had nothing at all to do with him in at least a decade, possibly more.

If the husband wants to play white knight, he can do that. Put the young man up in a hotel, see him, help him. But what he doesn't get to do is bring a random young man into the OPs home without her agreement.

And that, really, is what it all boils down to. She doesn't feel safe and comfortable, so he shouldn't be trying to bring a random man (and he is a completely random man to the OP) into her home.

So you know then that he is not his stepfather. And you know that when this young man was still a child Dh was a "sort of stepfather figure" to him and that after they split up the ex "made it clear he wasn't his dad so she wasn't going to allow it" and he has had no contact with him since the young man was a child.

You know then that the husband did not raise him, does not know him, has had nothing to do with him at his mother's insistence and therefore owes the young man nothing from a familial point of view.

And you know then that if the husband wants to play white knight and saviour he can do so by putting the young man up in a hotel and helping him independently without trying to force the OP to harbour a man in her home she does not know, trust or want to deal with.

Glad we're on the same page.

It's definitely messy, he was part of his life as a stepfather, another downside of a blended family, lack of security, learning to love an adult who is a temporary person depending upon the adult relationship.
I really feel sorry for the DC in this situation. I still wouldn't let him stay, he's troubled, I'd book him a weeks accommodation, send him to the council and benefits office.

Right. I actually do feel sorry for the young man in this scenario too. However, I have learned that sympathy for troubled men gets women raped and murdered, gets their belongings stolen, gets them embroiled in all sorts of terrible circumstances.

It is not kind to the OP to overrule her genuine, reality based feelings of concern. the husband can be kind to the troubled man without making her feel unsafe in her own home and possibly courting trouble.

You appear to have turned this adult/child scenario into a women vs men scenario, with absolutely no acknowledgement of the fact that it’s the unstable, insecure living situation of these kids, caused by the actions (or inactions) of the adults in their lives that contributes to producing the kind of men you rail against.

You appear to not care at all about women's right to be safe from unstable men they don't know and women's rights to live in their own home safely while you write a narrative that is absolutely irrelevant to the OP.

Women are not men's comfort blankets or shields. OP has a perfect right not to invite an strange man into her home. Stop trying to force women to deny their human rights and intuition to put men first.

It does not matter - at all - the reasons for the situation. The only thing that matters is whether OP feels it is safe to bring into her home a complete stranger to her, a young man involved in a violent altercation who has stated he will "sort it out" himself and refuses to go to the police.

She does not. So that's that.

You can think they ‘should’ as much as you like, it doesn’t change the fact that stepparents, former or current, are not responsible for stepchildren. That responsibility is something that remains exclusively with the actual parents.

You’re a very angry and unkind person, the sort of stepfather clearly still feels that he knows the young man, it’s his daughters step brother.

He is 19 and alone currently.

Just because the OPS DH doesn’t have to take responsibility, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to.

You’ve taken the “violent” comment from OP way too far, repeating it constantly.

This is a 19 year old, who had been physically hurt and is struggling. Have some empathy.

But some step parents have morals and feelings towards children they helped raise.

Like in this situation.

Right. And in this case, the ex told OP's husband he was not the father and made it clear he was not to be involved with her child. So her husband has actually had nothing to do with raising him since he was a child, and does not know at all what kind of person the young man is.

So there is really no expectation of any kind, not even a moral imperative, that her husband should have to act in loco parentis. If he wants to, that's up to him. It's not up to him to force OP to get involved though.

It doesn't matter who contributed to his chaotic life, it has nothing to do with OP, nor her DH anymore.
He is not a child, he is a young man.

You're a very angry and unkind person, who is derailing because you put men's wants over women's rights and safeties. Your internalised misogyny is vile and you should seek therapy for that.

You appear to be extremely triggered by a 19 year old who is struggling currently.

You appear to be extremely triggered by women having human rights including the right to say no.

Somebody, somewhere has to step in and break the cycle. Who do you suggest it should be if not the adults who have involved themselves in this young man’s family situation from when he was a child?

You do realise that even in OPs title she describes this person as a boy? Not a man?

Now calm down!

Another one you’re telling to get therapy….

Is that your catch line?

Soneone disagrees with you, they need therapy?

🤣🤣 ridiculous!

It's extremely telling that the women who are abusing me are resorting instinctively to personal insults, attacks and vile words - for daring to say that a woman is not a comfort blanket or shield for a man and that the OP has the right to say no to a man and be safe in her home.

It is making my point very clearly and irrefutably. Some women are horrifically misogynistic.

Please don't listen to them OP, keep yourself safe. Be kind gets women raped and murdered.

Your husband can help the troubled young man he knew as a child, if he wishes, without bringing him into your home.

That’s not OP’s problem. It may be her DH’s, but that doesn’t mean he should feel entitled to impose that on his wife and actual children.

Sorry that you think your internalised misogyny is funny. I don't. Get therapy. And stop derailing the OPs thread and her concerns, your hatred of women is coming through loud and clear.

You do indeed sound angry and irrational, and it would be fantastic if you would actually stop derailing the OPs thread with your nonsense. Thanks for agreeing to stop doing that.

No, they don’t. Even if they did, that would fall on his parents, neither of which are OP or her DH.

Stop accusing everyone of derailing! It’s you doing it.

Honestly, it’s quite bizarre.