To think grief is often performative, especially on social media?

[CandidGreyCrow]

Endless posts, hashtags, photo dumps… AIBU to think a lot of public grieving is more about performance and attention than genuine mourning?

I'm sure these people are genuinely grieving but the posts are definitely for attention.

"Happy heavenly birthday, Dad, you would have been 98 today". There is no need for this.

This has always happened to some extent.

The nation's grief around Princess Diana's death was was very strange to say the least. And that was way before social media.

A while back someone I vaguely know lost her teenage daughter. Within 24 hours she had updated her FB banner, profile pic etc to edited angel pics .

Had posted several long posts.

And had replied to every single condolence post on her page.

I found it really weird that within 24hrs of losing a child (unexpectedly) that her priority would be facebook.

But then i thought about it and realised I have no idea what is going on in that womans head or how she might be processing her grief. And that I am extremely lucky to be in the position of not being able to understand a mothers grief.

And felt very bad about judging her for it.

Depends. My DD 21 year old best mate was killed a few weeks ago and her parents set up a FB page for family and friends to all share our memories of her. If it makes them feel better does it matter to anyone else?

We aren’t very good at grieving in our culture. We give condolences, perhaps go to the funeral and expect life to go on as normal so I think it is fine that people are expressing their grief publicly if it helps them with the process of grieving.

It is a generational thing, younger people grieve this way.
Not keen on doing it myself but each to their own.
@Shutupkeith That is very sad. x

I also think it’s very cruel of you to judge others as being performative I am sure they would give anything to have their child still alive.

The FB group has allowed the parents to see photos and hear tales of their DD that they hadn’t seen and share info of other things so we have all laughed and cried at the crazy stuff she did. She was so loved and for folks to be judging her parents seems vvv cruel. There before the grace of god!

When my Mum died I went into a huge period of grief. And I know people think that people get over things really quickly (weeks and months). But I still get nightmares sporadically 6 years on and the grief still touches me but not day to day.

Maybe they post on FB so they don't feel alone with the massive crushing weight of grief.

When it comes to grief, just accept that people do it differently. People need to do exactly what they need do to get through as best they can.

My SIL once commented that she’d thought it was awful that someone hadn’t put their father’s death on fb, that it’s obvious she didn’t care. Obviously a completely different view and the coin flip side to what you say. No one is right or wrong, but the judgement is!

Could have been her way of coping. How awful for the poor woman.

no

if people feel they have a little power, a way to do something and not be just completely helpless by posting on social media, who are we to judge. Grief is grief. if they feel reminding of birthdays and events, is a mark of respect, so what? better not to mention the lost ones ever again?

Some countries hold funeral within a couple of days, less than a week at most. England drags it on for weeks which makes it even more painful for some. Great if social media helps a bit.

Someone looking down at others who just lost a child, a parent, a friend, a love one and querying they are not grieving right? That I judge.

No one should be ashamed of posting about someone they loved and they miss.

No one is right or wrong, but the judgement is!

this

I've seen people who i know for a fact were not particularly close to someone who died, on social media acting like they were devastated. Its all for attention and likes and "hope you're OK hun". They're called grief vampires.

or maybe they feel guilty and it suddenly occur to them they missed their chance to get closer, who knows

@CandidGreyCrow , it can be. The public grief for Princess Di was a case in point.
(as pp, it was pre-SM. )

I think everyone grieves in their own way and if people want to remember their dad in what would be his birthday that is entirely up to them.

If you don't like it scroll past and concentrate on the posts about when does Tesco shut and the amount of dog poo in the town.

no need for what? Someone remembering their dad and reminding others of their dad?

Why does it matter if he would have been 98? It's still their dad? Should you stop grieving after your parents reach (or would have reached) 45?

I often meant to respond

”you know he can’t see this”?

What a lovely specimen you are.

“Specimen”

you too!

Absolutely this.

How horrible to assume people are attention seeking.

why are you following people you don't like on social media really?

To be able to bitch behind their back?

It's you I judge, not the ones who post things I can just scroll past.

The posts can also serve as a signal to others that the person posting might not be their usual self and to be aware/sensitive of that.

Relevant.

You're completely right OP. Nobody who has ever had a social media account can feel true sadness and grief and it is a known fact that concealing your feelings about people you have lost and never mentioning them again is the best way. There are absolutely no downsides to suppressing your emotions. FACT.