To think grief is often performative, especially on social media?

[CandidGreyCrow]

Endless posts, hashtags, photo dumps… AIBU to think a lot of public grieving is more about performance and attention than genuine mourning?

What you might call performative others might call expression. I think you’re very cruel to judge people for expressing their grief in a way that feels right to them.

Grief is such a horrifically overwhelming thing to carry and being able to share part of that and put some of it “out there” is a way to let go. To give your grief a place to sit that isn’t in your heart.

If you’ve never been in the position to empathise and understand this then good for you.

How on earth did people cope before social media?

My personal opinion is that in most cases, it’s being done for attention, not because a grieving person wants to remember someone.

It doesn’t matter to me how someone expresses their grief, you should be thankful it’s not you experiencing the death of a loved one

If it helps the grieving person to feel better, fine with me.

what a stupid question.

why the race to the bottom? Why does it matter how we coped before - or didn't cope - if there are ways to help now.

You are free to have any personal opinion you want, it's a free country, but it doesn't matter what you think does it?

But accusing a mum who lost her child to do it for attention? I would think carefully how I get there, that doesn't come from a very nice person.

I find it weird when people post about celebrities they've never met dying, have to say.
If it's one specific person who has inspired/influenced you throughout your life, fair enough. But one guy I know is the FB version of an obits page.

All this does is show how incredibly mean-spirited people can be.

I grieve differently to others. My way isn't better.

My God, I can't imagine seeing someone in pain and my first thought being to laugh or scoff at how they show it.

I agree. The thread about the friend who didn't like rock music 'sobbing in the kitchen over Ozzy Osbourne' had me a bit.

There's no need for the capitals. We can hear you.
You do know that your way of grieving isn't the only one don't you?
If Jane down the road wants to remember her granny then what's the problem? How is it affecting you?

I've know a fair few people who have lost someone recently. All back to work within a week. I do wonder whether we're pressured to just move on (appreciate some people prefer this).

I don't judge the Facebook posts. Maybe it's the modern version of wearing black, or cutting your hair etc?

Happy birthday great gramps. You would've been 175 today. 😂😂😂

People have always grieved publicly, anyway. Wearing grey, covering portraits etc. It has ever been thus, in different ways. Why have public funerals if not to "grieve publicly". Just because something isn't my cup of tea doesn't mean I'm somehow superior.

I think there must be something genuinely wrong with a person who can look at someone's grief and find humour in it, or whose first reaction is to scoff and judge.

They put an insertion in the local newspaper.

Anniversary and birthday memorials came just after the Death Notices.

You are not coming across as hilarious as you think you are

The question was "Is grief performative on social media?"

In my opinion, the answer is "Yes".

I agree that people can process their grief in any way they choose. You are quite right that it does not affect me. However, if they are doing it on social media, then that IS performative. They want everyone to know that they are missing their dead relative and they want sympathy from as many people as possible. What would they have done pre-facebook? Phoned up everyone they knew to tell them it's the anniversary of Dad's death? Sent a memo round the office? I doubt it.

When my mum died suddenly, I shared the news on social media and throughout the next few months, continued to share thoughts and feelings too. It really helped me especially when I couldn’t bear the thought of her disappearing from memory. People would post such lovely things in response too. It helped keep me going.

I no longer feel like I need to do that now. I would absolutely never judge another person for doing that.

Of all the many things that annoy me in this life, this isn't one of them. How horrible to mock or judge anyone who is grieving or wants to remember a loved one. Jesus.

I definitely prefer to be busy. The thought of sitting at home grieving would make things worse FOR ME. Going back to work quickly is a definite plus for me but I guess I’m lucky in that my work colleagues are all nice people.

When you see people having two or three months or more off work I wonder how they spend their days. I guess the grief is expressed the same way a depression. I’d never admit it in real life but I’d wonder if they would be better off trying to work.

My mum would be turning in her grave if we posted every year to remember her. She was quite clear she didn't want her death announced on Facebook. People grieve in different ways and not everyone is so sentimental about things.

even if they want sympathy.. so what?
What is wrong with that?
Is there a superiority in your eyes in hiding grief and pretending you don't care?

Even the royal family is being seen in public with a few tears on occasion!

What would they have done pre-facebook?
who cares? Where would you share your opinion before MN? How is that relevant?

As per pp upthread there used to be notices in the paper

Last year I lost my beautiful son, he was 13 and died after a short illness with cancer. I posted about his passing the same day that he died because I had sat with him for days just watching him sleep and had already started to put a few words together. Some people will think that's weird, it is just how a coped with losing my son. He died on a Friday morning and we wanted to inform school before the kids went home for the weekend, our incredible community nurse did that on our behalf. I do occasionally post about him on social media and there is no doubt in my mind that there are people that will read my posts and roll their eyes. All I would say to that is, 'lucky you.'

Losing my son and grieving for him is the hardest thing I have ever had to and if posting a funny story or memory or acknowledging a milestone irritates people - I don't care.

You're not weird. Ignore anyone who even suggests it, because they're an arsehole.

My heart goes out to you, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

What a horrible OP!

When my son died by suicide I can't even begin to describe how grief stricken I was, and I guess for the first year or so I used social media as a kind of diary.

I don't post as much about him now but I do post a lot about suicide awareness especially this month as its suicide awareness and prevention month. If people don't like it they can scroll by or unfriend me, I really don't care which.

I unfriended a couple of people last year that made "jokes" about Liam Payne and how he died. Things like that are much more offensive than wishing someone a "happy heavenly birthday"

But, I will always wish my son a happy birthday, the same as I do with his (living) sisters.

I also write a post at Christmas although i don't do it until night time because he died on Christmas day but I "tell" him how the day went and how much I miss him ans wish he was here.

If anyone doesn't like it they can fuck off and be grateful they don't walk in my shoes...yet, because grief will happen to all of us at some point.

Please don't judge anyone on how they deal with their grief.

I agree