To think grief is often performative, especially on social media?

[CandidGreyCrow]

Endless posts, hashtags, photo dumps… AIBU to think a lot of public grieving is more about performance and attention than genuine mourning?

Oh ffs, do behave. I scroll past but mentally roll my eyes. I don’t post “happy heavenly birthday to my gran who would be 126 today” and I think those who do are, frankly, a bit daft. We all think things about others and somewhat judge their choices. I don’t like what they’ve posted today doesn’t mean I don’t like them!

Ive lost people myself and deal with it differently, no doubt others judge me as cold for not plastering it all over sm. People make micro judgements all the damn time!

Personally I think it’s much healthier than bottling it up and never really addressing it and letting it blight the rest of your life like I have.

and yet you seem to take the judgement of a complete stranger very seriously😂

You have spectacularly missed the point made in my post.

It has nothing to do with whether or not someone is grieving and everything to do with wanting 'like' and 'heart' and 'hugs' emojis, and people telling them that they're thinking of them on granny's 127th birthday.

Yes. I had to delete a girl who kept posting photos of her mums dead hand in hers, and then it became selfies she took in the hospital while her mum lay dying. She was pouting while her mum quite literally looked dead; she might have even been dead at that point but I’m not sure. The posts were overly emotional for someone who’s literally duck-facing a selfie in the hospital where your mum has either, or will take her last breaths at any moment.
so grim and attention seeking.

I understand writing the post or two on occasion; but some people just do too much. I can’t imagine anyone grieving sits and thinks about how to type out a post on Facebook to make them feel better.

Yes, like someone who was making a very obvious and noisy show of ‘crying’ at a Gm’s funeral, when she wasn’t even a blood relative and hadn’t seen her for at least a few years.

My DM was disgusted!

I had a former work colleague who claimed to be related to, or great friends with, virtually every person who died in the area. She often had times when she couldn't go into her classroom because she was so upset or take days off.

It was like some sort of grief attention seeking.

I hate the “Happy heavenly birthday” things.
Social media turns people into attention seeking fools.

People grieve in different ways. When you lose someone you just want to keep hold of them however you can and photos of them and talking about them is helpful. I think until you have lost someone close it’s hard to understand.

Whenever I see a post like this, while I might have thought the same in the past, I always just think well they’ve never experienced a sudden or traumatic death or whatever and that’s good for them.

I think that's lovely actually. Sorry for your DDs loss. ❤️

@CandidGreyCrow I lost my dad as a teenager - neither of us believe(d) in heaven but I did used to reflect on his life and our relationship, mostly on his birthday. He was my only dad and if others didn't want to read it then they didn't have to. I don't really use FB these days, other than for info, anyway. How people grieve is their business.

Actually I think in the U.K. grief is largely hidden and people really don’t want to see it.

when my dad died I grieved for ages, and there was very much an expectation that you got over it asap.

we could do with allowing a space for grief.

and friend and family thinking of someone who is remembering a dearly missed grand-mother is a problem because?

Some people remember relative's birthdays even after they are gone, so what?
Chances are, lots of these emojis are from people who knew, and miss, that 127 granny too...

and missing the point, but how old are you friends on social media who have 127 yo grand-parents? 😂

This made me laugh 😭😭

yes, attention seeking fool a mother who remembers her dead child and makes special post on their actual birthday.

How dare they. Shame on them, they should only post bitching about the neighbours rubbish bin ruining their view.

It's not unreasonable that you initially 'judged' her but I agree that it was maybe just part of her grieving process.

Sometimes. People saying 'happy heavenly birthday' I have an aversion to! Ok if someone recently died but when your gran ha s been dead for 20 years And wouldn't even know what Facebook is it's a total nonsense. Also people that right stuff about celebrities...

Are you always rude and uncaring then?
Have you ever experienced deep loss?

Oh good lord, your reading comprehension is atrocious.

Yes, people remember their relatives birthdays after they've died BUT THEY DO NOT POST ON SOCIAL MEDIA. Where have I said that remembering a dearly missed grandmother is a problem? The criticism is of those who post full details of their grief on social media for attention. This was the main point of the OP.

In answer to your 'hilarious' question, I'm in my late 40s, my mother would have been 85, her parents would have been 115. It is really not that unbelievable that someone posting on Facebook might have dead ancestors who would've been 127 (although I was clearly exaggerating to make a point).

My mum died when my DC were very young (1 and 4). And I was just coming out of PND. I posted on fb because it meant no one would ask how she was and I wouldn't have to say out loud that she had died. It was just an easier way to let people know. Of course I did have to speak to people in real life but it meant most of my friends knew.
Sometimes I post pics of her - on mothers day, on her birthday, or on the anniversary of her death.

I know a couple of people who's children have died. One posts regularly because they raise money for charity in their child's memory. The other posts regularly about the heartbreak of losing a child. I can not imagine anything worse, and they are not hurting anyone else by remembering their children this way.

you are the one missing the point spectacularly

people remember their relatives birthdays after they've died BUT THEY DO NOT POST ON SOCIAL MEDIA.

But they do?? that's literally what you are moaning about 😂😂

YOU don't, you prefer to play the "I am too superior and I keep my grief to myself but I need everybody to know how deep and superior I am".
We disagree that it makes you any better.

Someone bringing attention a 127 year old woman, who would otherwise be long forgotten and completely ignored by everyone.. ultimately, is that so bad?

People grieve differently. I really loved my Dad and I was obviously sad when he died and I do get moments where something reminds me of him or where I wish I could tell him something but it’s very much at the back of my mind. I sometimes feel that some people (especially on Mumsnet) think there is something wrong with you if you aren’t absolutely floored by a loved one’s death and that you are suppressing your grief if you appear to be cracking on with things. when that isn’t true. I am comfortable to think about and talk about my Dad.

I had a miscarriage at around 15weeks and I went back to work within a couple of days but apart from crying when it first happened and having a general feeling of dissapointment I don’t think I grieved at all. I wasn’t suppressing anything, it was just how I felt. Contrast that with women who need weeks off work because they are so distraught it just shows that everyone is different. Everyone needs to work out what suits them.

you know, once people are on social media themselves, they lose any right to comment and judge. Post what you want, people can ignore or scroll by.

There's no superiority on posting about kids/ books/ work/ remembering relatives/ holidays/ cakes...People share what they want.

Other people are only on there to bitch about everyone else, and make themselves feel better by judging others who are either
"boring", dont post anything or anything "interesting"
"show-off" post happy photos
"drama-lama" post unhappy or memory photos

Don't post for the bored and bitter people, no one cares what they think, why are they on there in the first place if it gives them such strong feelings 😂

YABU. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, it is a very personal thing. I wouldn’t post of SM about my own loss, but I remember one particular friend who posted on her grandad’s birthday and anniversary of death for many years after he died. I just assumed it was helping her process it. We are all different.

Everyone copes in different ways. Don’t judge grief.

How very cruel and pointless, could you not just scroll on by?