To think grief is often performative, especially on social media?

[CandidGreyCrow]

Endless posts, hashtags, photo dumps… AIBU to think a lot of public grieving is more about performance and attention than genuine mourning?

I think social media is also fantastic for not putting anyone on the spot.
Someone shares something, others are free to reach out or stay well away - liking the post but doing nothing.

So instead of calling a friend, or not calling because they don't dare, someone post something. Real friends will contact directly, but in their time.

You're not weird. Ignore anyone who even suggests it, because they're an arsehole.

My heart goes out to you, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

The entire nature of SM like Facebook is performative.

It's performative for the good and the bad. I feel sympathy for anyone experiencing loss but yes, I think there's a lot of very performative grief on SM.

I've seen too many long rambling posts about how utterly devastated someone is that granny is gone and how they don't know how they'll even go on...only to be looking at that persons smiling 'day out to x' photos 48 hours later.

Yes I know, just because you're grieving doesn't mean you need to hide in a hole...but seriously. It's very jarring.

Oh, another MN post about behavioural emotions being ‘performative’.

It’s very tedious. Leave people alone.

Kate Beckinsale is a number one attention seeker on any given day but now that her mother has died she is really going to down with the over the top grieving performance.

That's really nasty.

I was involved in an accident with my best friend just over 20 years ago, which resulted in their death.

Every year on their birthday I go out, buy us a drink each, take a photo and do a 'Happy Birthday's post on Facebook. I keep it up because their parents mentioned to me one year how sad it was to see less and less people acknowledging them as time passes.

The fact that there are grieving mothers posting on here and still having people come on right after them to sneer at their brand of grieving is genuinely sickening to see.

To those mothers - please don't feel 'weird' or anything like it for grieving the way you do. Grief has always been public. I'd rather be someone who remembers my child with a social media post than someone who tears people down for not grieving in a way I deem acceptable.

The sneering says a lot more about their characters than yours, I promise.

bet her main crime for that poster is how stunning she is.

You have to be seriously bitter about your own life to judge people grieving. Miffed because there's no drama in their own life and they would like some to think they are more interesting possibly?

I know, right?

When my nephew died suddenly, something we all struggled with, but especially my brother, was how as time went on people seemed to forget him. If a 'cringey' or 'performative' post on social media means my brother has even a modicum of comfort then I'm all for it.

I don't have FB or anything but grief has touched me too closely for me to ever judge how a person handles it.

My goodness, what an unpleasant thread. It's really upset me, but I suppose that's just attention-seeking to say it.

My boyfriend died 6 months ago. I occasionally post a Facebook memory or mention him, and every time I do I feel self-conscious because I worry about arseholes like the ones in this thread thinking I'm being stupid.

But I like to talk about him. I think about him all the time. I don't need to be posting on Facebook to remember him, but sometimes I just need to know that other people remember him, and that other people care about how I'm getting on. We don't all have a crowd of friends constantly on hand in real life to talk to. My closest friends mostly don't live nearby and sometimes social media is the easiest way of connecting with people.

YANBU... I think most people are not 'devastated' when a celebrity dies, for example. Obviously you could be if it was way before their time, or they meant a lot to you and I get it if people explain that, but people people all 'Soooo sad' when someone who was popular when they were a kid has died at a ripe old age or something feels a bit much.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please don't let this thread make you self-conscious. It's horrible to imagine our loved ones will be forgotten. If people don't want to hear about your life or your feelings then they are free to unfollow you.

I'm willing to bet most people are a lot nicer and kinder than what's on this thread!

I am sorry for your loss. Please don’t think everyone thinks like the OP x

What a horrible and judgmental post. I post about family members I’ve lost and I would hate for people to think I’m doing it for attention. You are so so wrong - I can’t express how angry this has made me.

No-one should feel guilty if that’s how they want to deal with their grief. But equally, you’ve got to accept that not everyone will agree with it/like it.

I guess that’s the chance you take using social media.

For me, personally, I find the “heavenly birthday” thing strange because I don’t celebrate those days once a person has gone. I find it strange that people do, but I’m starting to realise I’m alone in that 😅

That said, I think social media has turned us into a society of narcissists.

As for the old obits in the local newspaper. They tended to be as death announcements, rather than long running sagas about the grief surrounding a loved one’s death.

My son died unexpectedly and, luckily, my family and friends were respectful and didn’t plaster things all over social media.
I did have to be quite vocal, while we were in the hospital waiting for it to be over, that there were to be absolutely no ‘dead hands’ pictures on Facebook.

i do often post on his birthday or anniversary. Or will comment if someone else remembers him. Sometimes a fb memory comes up and I’ll share it if it’s relevant.

If I’m being entirely honest, it’s never to elicit sympathy but it is to remind people of him. My baby boy who nobody dares mention in case they upset us. I want to mention him and remember him all the time. I don’t want people to forget him.

It’s not for me, but I think people grieve differently.

But if it’s simply for you, why has this made you angry? Surely you shouldn’t care what people think if you post entirely for your own sake.

Thats a genuine question, I’m not trying to goad. Who cares if some random people think it’s attention seeking?
At the end of the day, there’s no rules about how you can use social media, we just all approach it differently.

The ‘dead hands’ thing feels so disrespectful doesn’t it? Take the photo and treasure it for yourself, absolutely, but for me, that type of picture is exactly the performative, attention-seeking stuff I’m talking about when it’s put on SM.

I am sorry about your son x

When my twins passed away 20 months ago. I struggled immensely with this. I wanted to at times post all about them because frankly very few people talk to you when your baby dies, never mind two in the same week. One of my boys was stillborn and my other died in the neonatal unit a few days later. I do post about them. There'll be no more photos, birthdays, milestones, sadly other than their birth and death so I'm not one bit apologetic to post about them occasionally. I dont post their pictures though, that's too much and I do treasure those privately at home.

I'm the exact same. When I post about my twin baby boys its to remind people they did exist. Very few people talk or mention my baby sons and they've only been gone 20 months. It's so hurtful. I'm sorry about your baby boy.

It should have been my wedding anniversary yesterday. I put some pics up as a way of telling people he hasn't been forgotten because, in many ways, I have moved on, and I often feel judged for that.

One thing I have learned is that a widow can never get her grieving right. Very sorry about that OP.

I wouldn't judge anyone for posting the death of a loved one on social media. I posted when my sister passed away to inform those who knew her. I didnt know all her friends so posting on her Facebook was a way to let them all know. Many friends posted little anecdotes about her which was comforting