To think grief is often performative, especially on social media?

[CandidGreyCrow]

Endless posts, hashtags, photo dumps… AIBU to think a lot of public grieving is more about performance and attention than genuine mourning?

No, because my family and friends tend to know I have their best interests at heart and would listen to what I had to say. What's the point of having friends if they're not honest with you when you're doing something stupid?

Having said that, none of my friends/family would be spending £100+ multiple times a year to put a ton of cheap tat outdoors in the rain anyway.

My sister was like this when our dad unexpectedly died.
I remember going round the supermarket with her, literally the day after he died, and she turned to me and said, "I expect you're more upset than I am, as you were much closer with him than I was."
There is truth in that. He and sis didn't have the best of relationships since her teenage years. I think she found him very hard to like.
He was ill the year before he died, but she couldn't have given a rats ass. Never went to visit, no interest whatsoever.

But when he died, she was all over social media, waah, waah'ing about how much she misses him, yadda yadda. GIRL. 👺
I said nothing, not worth it, but it really got my goat.

An older ex-work colleague is terrible for this. Her 90+ year old mum died in a care home about 5 years ago. Colleague posts something about her dead mum at least once a week.

But each to their own I guess!

Please don’t be under the misguided impression that any bereaved parent would want your handy tips on how they could better grieve for their child - no matter how well you know them.
Doing something that, even for a second, helps ease the crushing grief of losing a child, isn’t stupid. If you think it’s appropriate to tell someone who is desperate for their child to know that their mum and dad still loves them and remembers them (even if you think the stuff is ‘tat’ and a waste of money) that they should be expressing their grief in a way you find more acceptable, you really need some self reflection.

Don’t tell people how they should or shouldn’t express their grief. It is never any of your business.

The irony of you telling me I'm rude to assume that they haven't lost anyone and that everyone deals with it differently...

...on a post that has a pop at people who don't deal with it in the way the OP feels acceptable.

Yes we deal with it differently but that also makes my point that it's not anyone else's business how someone does on their on Social Media.

depends how you phrase it.

I also, sympathise with any way of grieving, and I am respectful and try to chose the right moment, but I could not shut up forever about someone sending balloons or worst, Chinese lanterns flying around.

At some point, grieving is not an excuse to cause damages or physical hurt, it's just not.

It does become our business when animals do get injured and killed, which is why I would draw a line to balloons and Chinese lanterns for example.

That aside, I might offer help but I wouldn't tell people what to do.

The thing is, though, that, as pp have said, people grieve differently. For me, and for some others whom I know, privacy in grief is of EXTREME importance, To have to socialize with people whom I don't know well, and who may not have known the deceased person at all, and to have to receive and respond to their condolences, and to have my grief on display, and deal with possibly intrusive comments and actions, is PURE TORTURE, and adds to our grief..I would much rather have a memorial occasion some time afterwards, which is entirely focussed on memories of the deceased person, rather than including public condolences for the bereaved. (Well, obviously I'd rather that there were no bereavements at all; but that is sadly not possible in this world.)

Other people react differently, and just as I would not wish to be judged for wanting to be isolated (as you put it) from public condolences, I would not think it right to judge others for talking about their bereavements on social media, or doing so for longer than some people feel appropriate. People cope in different ways.

That’s quite a cruel thing to say.

I know damned well my parents can’t read my FB posts but sometimes (not every year, not every time) I choose to mark my Mum or Dad’s birthday or the anniversaries of their deaths with a FB post. It’s no skin off your nose or anyone else’s. If any of my FB friends find it annoying or distasteful, they’re welcome to scroll past or hide my posts.

Grief can feel incredibly lonely. You can feel as though the world has moved on and the person you loved has been forgotten. It’s a way of saying ‘this person mattered and their life had value’.

It’s like that saying about how ‘a person hasn’t really died until their name is said for the last time.’ I want to say their names. I want to share photos of happier times. I want them to still matter in the world. I don’t expect them to matter to others, but actually they do. On the rare occasions I do mention them on FB and share photos, many of their friends and my childhood friends post to share their reminiscences or to tell me how much they loved them, to tell me what good people they were who had a positive impact on other people’s lives. And that helps me. It makes me feel connected to them. It keeps them ‘alive’ for me.

I’m sorry you find it so irritating but you’re free to get on with your life and ignore. 🤷🏼‍♀️

This poster didn’t mention Chinese lanterns. Just plastic ‘tat’ and toys that should be given to charity instead.

There’s no good way of telling someone you think their display of grief is stupid or a waste of money.

To be honest, the one thing that I do sometimes find performative, is when people press condolences on individuals or families who have chosen to isolate themselves at times of bereavement, 'to show that I care'., Probably I'm being unfair, as they may truly think that this is what they have to do; but it can sometimes come across as choosing to be seen as 'caring', over respecting bereaved people's actual feelings and choices.

And FWIW, anyone who chooses to purchase a load of junk and leave it outdoors to be destroyed and potentially eaten or choked on by wildlife needs telling. The only reason it would be gentle is because you're grieving a child- anyone else wouldn't get gentle.

Bore off! So mature.

It's everyone's business when a family member is actively sabotaging their finances and the environment.

It really isn’t.

There are times to be honest with a friend or family member. ‘I’m concerned about how much you’re drinking’ is one. ‘I’m worried about your state of mind, can I help you get in touch with the GP’ might be another. ‘I think you’re wasting your money on tat to put on your dead child’s grave’ isn’t one of those times.

You can't just do whatever you like for the rest of your life because a child died.

You still have a responsibility to your community and the environment.

The environmental damage doesn't disappear because you feel sad.

Bored of this conversation now, I said what I said.

Some people definitely do! I’ve lost my dad and sibling in the past 2 years and I choose not to share posts about them, I am a private person though! However, one of my siblings ‘friends’, who doesn’t keep in touch now, doesn’t see my sisters husband or children it keep in touch, loves to share a post about my sister! How much they miss them, happy heavenly birthday etc I’m convinced they do it for the likes and of course the comments of sympathy that people leave! 🙄

I know the poster didn't mention Chinese Lantern, but my point stand.

I wouldn't say anything up to a point and releasing balloons and Lanterns is my personal limit.

Each to their own in very difficult times.

I don't post anything regarding my grief. I find it difficult when I catch photos of the family I have lost, posted by others, but simply because I'm not ready to look at them.

I do find it performative when lies a told. The friend of mine who is a widow who posts so much emotional stuff about her H, when in fact they had split up months before and his friends and family know that he had no intention of wanting to be back in a relationship with her. There is an awful temptation to point that out.
It really hurts his family, but of course nobody dare say anything.

But this is about the fact that people feel that SOME social media posts are performative.
Not everyone who posts on social media is doing it for genuine reasons, as some of the stories on this thread show.

I fully agree. This ridiculous setting off of lanterns and balloons is getting out of hand. That IS performative nonsense, I don’t care what anyone says.
And it impacts wildlife. But, of course, many humans think their feelings come before anything else in the world.

Point 1:

The use of "often" in the thread title does suggest a frequency over and above what is considered "normal" or "appropriate" for something that is extremely situation specific, so the general tone of judgement is somewhat offensive.

Point 2:

Even those who aren't apparently doing it for "genuine reasons" are obviously either suffering from lack of self awareness or some other issue that leads them to that behaviour. In general people can be self absorbed and thoughtless about anything. It's part of the curse of modern life - everything is performative one way and another, everything presented through the camera lens on a phone, which feeds FOMO and feeling obliged to be seen to be "nice" or doing good things. It's irritating but there we are.

Grieving people generally don't have the time or bandwidth to get too het up about it, unless it's something particularly egregious, which I have experienced, but when you're drowning in pain often you end up making like Elsa, just to avoid any more demands on your time and energy. It soon passes, the regular posting from the outer circle. Then you get the odd ones on special days, or because someone came across something that resonates, which is nice, depending.

It all really depends on the people involved, and I don't see the point of compounding or prolonging bad feelings around this sort of thing. I've been utterly furious with certain people about their outpouring of grief for my DP on social media, because in that moment it was all about me, and him, and everyone else should just fuck off. Did I do anything about it? No, bar the grumbling to closer friends in person, because anything else would just make things worse.

You know, I got to a point, before the isolation really kicked in, and I was going out and trying to socialise and it was just getting progressively more awkward, when I was considering getting a T shirt printed that said:

"Whatever you're about to say, I know you mean well, but please don't" because I wanted to save both parties from the awkwardness. Obviously it would land wrong, because we're so rubbish at dealing with death in general.

But hopefully some here will understand.

It annoyed me when my cousins announced the death of my granny on fb before all of the family were told!
other than that I don’t mind those types of posts. Each to their own. Whatever helps the person grieving

And I've given my view on why I post which isn't performative.

I still stand by my post, to not understand why people would want to post is a very lucky position to be in, whether that's because you've never had a significant loss OR you've been able to work through it differently either way.

At the end of the day tho.. social media belongs to the person posting, it's not anyone else's business to judge performative or not.

I have someone on mine that I haven't unfollowed as she's generally a nice person and I wouldn't want to upset her or have her think there's an issue but she posts constantly and largely what could be considered look at me posts... I just snooze her, I don't have to see it and she doesn't have to be upset by people unfollowing her because she's entitled to post what she likes and I'm entitled not to have to see it if I don't want to. I would be an arsehole if I told her to change her behaviour because of how it makes me feel tho.

Fair enough. It’s an interesting debate though.