To not want to cook for my sister and nephew when she comes over?

[Cantheowneroftheredcorsapleasemovetheircar]

My sister lives in Australia with my nephew, soon to be 12.
She's coming over for a visit next month and obviously we spend as much time as possible with her while she's here.
Last time she came was Easter last year and I had everyone round my house for an Easter roast.
My mum is asking me to get everyone at mine together again for a roast as I have the biggest house and my roasts are "amazing" (they are, even if I do say so myself 😜) and she's told my sister that she's sure I will do this and sister is now looking forward to a "proper British roast". Great.

Last time she was here, she came into my kitchen while I was cooking, opened the oven while my YORKSHIRES were in there (!!!!) and put in a cheese and tomato pizza. She then gave this to her son because "he won't eat roasts".
This pizza was not discussed with me, she didn't ask if she could shove it in my oven and made no attempt to get nephew to join in and eat what the rest of us were eating. I then had to try and get my kids to eat their vegetables while their cousin is sat two feet away, chowing down on pizza.

I don't want pizzagate happening again, and I don't want nephew eating something my kids would rather be eating right in front if them (they like roasts, but it's PIZZA) but sister will insist its necessary because nephew is autistic.

I have suggested that he eat before he comes but sister says she doesn't want him excluded (neither do I)

I've suggested we all just have pizza but sister wants her "proper British roast" and I love cooking for everyone and giving my family food cooked with love.

What to do?

Hmmmm. Cook a roast but also cook a pizza and let your kids have roast AND pizza if they want 🤷‍♀️ no big deal. Let your nephew eat what he likes in a strange house far from home and outside his comfort zone. I imagine you don't see them very often so is it really that big a deal? Worth spoiling Easter/Christmas Day over?

Are your kids autistic?

I have memories of Christmas meals around my PIL house. My Husbands auntie (around mid 60s) eating spaghetti hoops as she doesn't like vegetables but my BIL/his girlfriend getting cross with my nephew & making him cry as they were nagging so much about him eating his broccoli. Honestly it's a lovely family day together. Let people eat what they prefer.

I think you’re being ridiculous. What is the problem with opening the oven door when you’re cooking Yorkshire puddings? And what was wrong with your sister putting a pizza in your oven? If she knows her child won’t eat a roast, surely it was better for her to have brought something that she knew he would eat? Not everyone loves roast dinners - there are very few things I loathe more than roast meat (apart from turkey and chicken) and potatoes and I don’t think I could eat a roast dinner if my life depended on it. It’s not as if your sister was asking you to make a separate meal for your nephew.

That's true. But now you know, you can work around it, rather than not want to cook for them because your sister's kid has a diagnosed condition that means they are can't eat 'seasonally'. Which I agree is an utter joy, but fixating on it is a bit too trad wife for me.

except this this you do know about it in advance and have plenty of time to come to terms with it.

Id cook my nephew a pizza alongside the roast, it’s just not a big deal.

It sounds like there are some big emotions here for you linked to something so minor as catering for your nephews eating.

Kindly can you explore why you are resentful of your sister - maybe for living on the other side of the world and visiting you when you are perceiving yourself to have to do all the work. Her son shouldn’t take the brunt of your adult emotion.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable!

I’d say “I’m happy to do pizza for everyone so that we’re all having the same, but if she wants a proper roast one day I’m happy to meet up at x pub/ restaurant to have one - let’s all pay for ourselves to keep it simple”

A roast is tricky re timing everything to come at the same time though.

Shoving in a pizza to be ready at the same time as everything else would be too much for me. And having all the kids eat pizza wouldn’t work as pizzas take up a lot of oven space.

I understand your frustration. One Christmas we had to endure my not-so-young nephew being hand fed chocolate and crisps (at the table, as a main course) by his parents while my children looked on jealously, while eating their Christmas roast. But if parents are making these choices for their children, I don't think there's much we can do about it.

On a separate note, I do wonder how children who are fussy about food are dealt with in France, where even very young children are expected to eat the same food as adults at family meals.

Yeah they should never be making their kid cry on Christmas Day over broccoli

i have an autistic son. He quite likes a roast dinner but on Christmas Day I make him macaroni cheese. That’s his favourite meal and having that on Christmas Day makes him feel that he’s also been considered on Christmas Day.

Food for autistic people is a Big Deal. It’s a big family dinner where everyone is eating something they love. It’s a fucking pizza that just needs shoving in the oven, not even extra work. Trust me, him having a pizza means that he’s been accommodated and you can spend more time with your sister without him having a meltdown. Show your sister that you love and accept your nephew and ask her which pizza you should buy for your him.

Her life (and his) is difficult enough without family visits being made harder.

Oh so much drama around putting a bloody pizza in the oven - “disrupting the cooking process”, “barging into the kitchen” not “seeking prior agreement”

and then to pretend it’s all about cooking with love, it’s the ultimate in performance hosting, nothing about ensuring your guests are happy and enjoy the food, all about the veneer of perfection whilst asking your DN to eat advance because you don’t want to disrupt your grand show.

The nephew is not fussy, he is autistic.

Wonderful, so glad you and your NT kids are living the dream life……… read the room…. you clearly want a pat on the back for your kids who help you bake and eat veg. So well done on that.

Mine do too (as if it matters) but your sisters child has a disability….. it’s not the same thing.

Living the dream life in my world is about being inclusive, welcoming and checking your privilege. Not being some Meghan Markle clone with your blackberry crumble. But you know, well done you!

Don't you have an oven timer? Set it to come on at 4am.

People are reacting because an autistic child will be singled out and excluded over and over in his life. Asking him to eat ahead of time and then watch his family eat because his own aunt won’t accommodate him is going to get peoples backs up. Be grateful if you haven’t had to watch your child struggle to be included at every single turn. Have a look at the rates of suicide for autistic men. I’m not being dramatic. Their mental health is a HUGE problem. The idea of this child sitting at his own family’s table excluded is heartbreaking. Sorry but the OP isn’t remotely acting like a decent human here.

The difference is OP's nephew is autistic. His food needs are due to his disability and have nothing to do with how good or badly something is cooked.

My thoughts are -

It was thoughtless of your sister to put something in the oven you were using without checking first, autistic son or not. A little awareness and mild contrition from her would have helped. It would also have given you the chance to show that you understood about DS, and maybe opened up a helpful conversation around compromises you could both make, to make (no doubt much-anticipated) visits and family relationships a bit less fraught. It doesn't do anyone any good to let these things fester.

Also, I totally understand that if cooking is your 'love language' (ha, I've just seen someone upthread use that term too!) then lavishing all this hard work on a great meal for the adults while giving your kids pizza just isn't a solution for you. You've tried to compromise by suggesting you all have pizza, but your sister and mum insist on having your "proper British roast" - which to me is unreasonable.

As a side note, I have a family member with skills which are very useful to friends and family. She's brilliant at what she does precisely because, like you, she's a perfectionist. But you can't have it both ways. If you want her services, you have to let her do it her way and not do it cheaper or quicker or whatever, just because you think it's ok. That's the deal.

Back to my point, which is that I think food here is just the flashpoint. The bigger issue is communication. You seem to have got yourself in roles. You're the brilliant cook who's a bit of an anxious perfectionist, and therefore exploitable. Your sister is the understandably stressed mum whose wishes take precedence because of DS's needs. However, she and mum seem to be leaning a bit too heavily into that to get what they want, without appreciating the impact on you. Even if it is 'just' a roast, it takes it out of you to do it to the standard you (and clearly they!) want.

For your part, you might relax your rules and principles a bit for the sake of family harmony.

I think an honest convo along the lines of 'how can we make mealtimes work for everyone' will give you all the chance to air some issues and assumptions.

Make the roast
Order the kids Dominos

Depending on your home layout, they have a party table just for them or watch a movie with their pizza, then join you at main table for dessert

It is not that hard OP

I guess you would have totally different feeling about the situation if your sister handled the situation at Easter properly.
You dont go into someone's kitchen and use their oven without asking. More over you dont do that if something is already cooking in that oven. Let alone something delicate.
Also, your sister doesnt seem to be very polite about wanting a roast or in talking to you in general.

Ugh you sound awful, do you actually like your family? Seriously what's the big deal?

Thank you so much!

Imagine caring about this kind of thing! How do some people cope with actual stressors in life???

They’re siblings! They should have a decent enough relationship to be able to open an oven without causing emotional trauma.