To not want to cook for my sister and nephew when she comes over?

[Cantheowneroftheredcorsapleasemovetheircar]

My sister lives in Australia with my nephew, soon to be 12.
She's coming over for a visit next month and obviously we spend as much time as possible with her while she's here.
Last time she came was Easter last year and I had everyone round my house for an Easter roast.
My mum is asking me to get everyone at mine together again for a roast as I have the biggest house and my roasts are "amazing" (they are, even if I do say so myself 😜) and she's told my sister that she's sure I will do this and sister is now looking forward to a "proper British roast". Great.

Last time she was here, she came into my kitchen while I was cooking, opened the oven while my YORKSHIRES were in there (!!!!) and put in a cheese and tomato pizza. She then gave this to her son because "he won't eat roasts".
This pizza was not discussed with me, she didn't ask if she could shove it in my oven and made no attempt to get nephew to join in and eat what the rest of us were eating. I then had to try and get my kids to eat their vegetables while their cousin is sat two feet away, chowing down on pizza.

I don't want pizzagate happening again, and I don't want nephew eating something my kids would rather be eating right in front if them (they like roasts, but it's PIZZA) but sister will insist its necessary because nephew is autistic.

I have suggested that he eat before he comes but sister says she doesn't want him excluded (neither do I)

I've suggested we all just have pizza but sister wants her "proper British roast" and I love cooking for everyone and giving my family food cooked with love.

What to do?

One of the hardest things about having an autistic child is people like you OP.

I wonder if that will sink in at all.

OP, I was wondering what the back story was, and you have just confirmed what I suspected: your family expect you to cook this fabulous roast but don't actually help out much, if at all.

I imagine you feel taken for granted and that this, rather than "Pizzagate" is the real issue.

And I think maybe you need to lighten up. I clearly don't actually beleive my sister is a psychopath.

She has asked her sister if her autistic nephew can ‘eat before he comes’ which is pretty unpleasant to be fair

I missed that bit.
No good host would rather that one of their guests was sitting at the table with nothing while everyone else eats, instead of just putting a pizza in the oven for them.

Yes, that was rude and disrespectful. But you need to factor in cooking the pizza for your nephew. He's autistic, he's not going to eat the roast.

Nope nope nope. Leaving aside any pizza issues etc, she absolutely does not get to insist that you cook a meal that takes quite a lot of effort. You’re hosting, you can choose what to cook.

Why does she want a proper British roast so much - she lives in Australia but it’s not impossible for her to just cook one herself over there!

A roast isn’t easy…. I get it. But while your roast may be prepared with love and care your actions and hosting isn’t I’m afraid. I totally get it (I’ve been there) but you need to change tack on this I’m afraid. Honestly step back and think about why this is backing you into a corner and making you behave in a way less than you would expect from yourself.

There are clearly other dynamics at play. Are you held to higher standards than your sister and that’s coming through or are you annoyed with her acting overfamiliar in your kitchen when she visits when she lives far away and doesn’t carry other burdens…because honestly…. it’s a pizza for an autistic kid.

I think people are being tough on you but your behaviour isn’t great on this one but to be fair you are still here engaging with people so fair play to that…

Of course you are but to actually ask your sister if she could feed your nephew before they come is awful, can't you see that?

The question of the thread is literally 'not to want to cook for my sister and nephew' and she asks in the OP why her nephew can't just eat the roast or be siloed to eat his pizza away from everyone else. She then started making it about the opening the oven when she got pushback on the original question. Of COURSE it was rude to open the oven while she was cooking. But that's not the question asked here.

I would be furious if someone brought their own food to my house and even worse, potentially ruined something I was making by opening my oven. Who does she think she is?

Someone who doesn't want her autistic child to go hungry?

Op, you keep writing that you prepare your roasts ‘with love’, but absolutely nothing you’ve written or actions you’ve completed suggest that’s true.
the actual emotions seem to be understandable bitterness at the lack of gratitude or help from your family, resentment of your nephew for not conforming, and a completely ott irrational reaction to the Yorkies being a bit flatter than desired.
loving families all muck in, laugh about mistakes, communicate.

Did you mean unnecessary?

I know you're 'joking' but you really sound insufferable.

I totally disagree. OP is being flexible. She is not being a martyr who insists that everything is being done her way. She has offered pizza for everyone. She had offered to all go out.
Sister insists that it is at her house and that OP does a roast. Sister refuses to consider other options or consider how her sister is already impacted by the plans she has been voluntold to do. I wonder if sister also has autism.

This.

As everyone is saying, its one meal. Life shouldn’t be this stressful. Do it on your terms.

I would ban them from the kitchen forever if they opened the oven with my Yorkshires in.

I host all big event meals at my house and there’s a minimum of 18 people for family and then friends if they are free. All done by myself with no help because I hate people in my way in the kitchen! They would be kicked to the living room and banned forever from the kitchen if they did that 😂

just give the kids pizza - life will be easier and then you can control the oven times OP! 😁

@Doggymummar

No, it isn’t. If you get all prepared veg maybe, but otherwise no.

Stop making a meal out of this issue. Your sister can cook c pizza for all the kids, you can do a roast for the adults

I’m with you on the yorkshires go with anything, of course they do!

A roast dinner isn’t even that hard …pre-prep and a decent plan .

Fucking hell, OP, are you OK? this is one of the worst pile ons I've seen on mumsnet!!

Before I say anything else, I want to make it clear that I have TWO autistic children AND I run a support group for families with neurodiversity.

OP doesn't see her sister and nephew much. She was completely unprepared for this and was working hard to make everything perfect for a very special family get together when sister waltzes in and does something which completely undermines and disrespects all the effort OP is putting in. She must have felt pretty hurt.

It's not a crime to not know anything about autism, especially when it's not something you knowingly come across in your day to day life. OP is allowed to be completely ignorant about food issues. Yet instead of gently educating her, and making helpful suggestions, people pile on and call her names and make nasty comments.

What exactly does this kind of pile on do to help anyone?

OK but this is bonkers.

I would just suck it up. She lives in Australia. It's not going to be a regular occurrence.

a voice of reason! 👏

Conceited and entitled . Grow up and educate yourself on autism.