To ditch a friend for cheating on her OH?

[SeenHerSelina]

Been best friends since each of our first kids were born 16 years ago, I thought I knew everything about her. Always thought her OH was a bit quiet, maybe even unsociable but that contradicts all the stories about him from my friend about how outgoing he was before kids came along, and maybe quite naturally kids changed all that. BY all accounts though he’s a nice bloke, good Dad and very attentive and romantic to his OH.

I’ve been out occasionally with my friend over the years, she attracts the attention of men but nothing unusual in that I guess.

Through a mutual friend I heard what I thought/hoped was an unthinkable rumour that she’d been unfaithful with someone it turns out we both know. When I put it to her thinking it was scandalous, she told it was true and the details even more gruesome than rumoured. She then went on to reveal that before they had kids she’d been cheating behind his back for years.

I’m totally shocked and struggling to see her the same way I did before. I can’t help but feel deceived, but I also feel completely stupid for judging her OH.

There is one occasion that I can’t get out of my head a few years ago when I left her walking back from a night out with a guy. A few weeks later her OH made passing reference about her coming home the following morning, assuming she’d stayed at mine. I haven’t asked her about it, I almost don’t want to know.

AIBU to just ditch her as a friend?

I don’t get why you would end a longtime friendship with someone you presumably love and value over an affair.

Because an affair says a lot about someone's values and how the treat people. This wasn't just an affair either, she's a serial cheater.

I would definitely think differently about a friend who behaved like this and would perhaps put some distance between us.

I agree. I wouldn’t. It’s nobody’s business but hers and her bloke’s, he’s the one she’s broken promises to.

I get why you'd feel deceived, but maybe she didn't want you to know because she's embarrassed or ashamed? On the other hand maybe she thinks the less you know the less likely sh'd get caught? Does her OH know about her past cheating?

Because it shows she’s a fundamentally dishonest person who lies to and treats her spouse badly?

If you don’t want to be friends with someone, for why reason, you don’t have to be.

I wouldn't care about this, but whether or not any of us would care isn’t really relevant to your situation.

I think you're right, if she can do this to the father of her kids who she lives with then what's she capable of towards her 'friends'!?

I wouldn't want to be friends with a person like that either. Yanbu.

I would not ditch a friend over this, personally.

I would consider that if there is so much about her that you didn’t / don’t know, then she’s probably not what I would consider as a ‘best friend’, although I do think that friendships can ebb and flow over the years, and probably none of us actually knows what’s going on inside another person’s marriage. I probably would have been honest and said that I didn’t agree with her actions but I wouldn’t completely defriend her.

Why is she having affairs-tell her to go get counselling, check with her GP if she's on other medication or has stopped medicating. Bipolar? Could she be autistic (it's more prevalent). She's risking her own happiness.
Or ditch and run and assume she's evil.

Maybe her bloke’s just rubbish in bed.

I guess if your friendship came about through having your first babies at the same time, then it’s different from a friendship made in your teens when you’ve shared each other’s romantic ups and downs and you see them in a wider context than as a mum and wife.

Personally because anyone who would repeatedly betray the person they are meant to love the most in the world isn’t anyone I could trust, value or love.

A much regretted one off mistake perhaps, repeated or ongoing infidelity definitely not.

I have high standards for my friends.

I can think of many, many things I would put ahead of sleeping with someone other than your spouse as an indicator of someone's values.

So she's used you as an excuse? I wouldn't speak to her again.

For me context would matter & how close I was to the family/DH. I wouldn't automatically drop a friend for an affair.

It wouldn't bother me enough to ditch a friend, but you're fully entitled to walk away from any friendship if you want to.

People who lie and cheat, lie and cheat to everyone.

So if they’ll happily betray their spouse why on earth would you assume they’ll treat you any better as a mere friend?

I feel the same.

This was the key point for me with my friend, it's one thing turning a blind eye but I wasn't prepared to be part of her cover story.

I can only imagine the reply you would get to this if a man repeatedly cheated on his OH and cited the reason as being not fully satisfied with their sex life .

My friend has done this and her husband is lovely.

I really struggle staying friends with her because although she has stopped the affair, she still is in love with the other man and would start the affair again if she thought she would get away with it.

I just don't see her in the same light and I keep putting my foot in my mouth when talking to her.

I don't see her often, so I can cope.

I just feel so sorry for her husband because he doesn't know that I know.

She's not the person you thought she was.

Cheating, and doing it for years, shows her lack of character and moral values. She's fine with lying and sneaking and betrayal. If she would stab her husband in the back like that, she would treat anyone like that including you.

Yeah, I'd end the friendship. I wouldn't trust her an inch. Plus, I see cheating as a form of abuse and I wouldn't be friends with an abusive person.

And you think that justifies her cheating on him?
If that was the case she should discuss things with him and if they can't fix things do the decent thing and end the marriage.

Personally OP i would draw back from the friendship because she is a cheat and a liar. And how can you look her H in the eye when you know she has been taking him for a fool for years?