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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to message my friend?

353 replies

Roundmirrors · 05/09/2025 13:40

My best friend went into labour 5 days ago messaged me to say it was all happening, very exciting, she was about to go into hospital etc etc... we have been through thick and thin together and besties since we were little.
It's now 5 days on and I still haven't heard anything more. I have messaged her, but she hasn't read my message (it has been received). I'm really worried about her/baby.
Aibu to consider messaging her family members to check everything is ok? The more time passes, the more worried I am. It's just so unlike her to not message... 😢

Sorry title is wrong! Should say 'message my friend's family'!

OP posts:
MsPossibly · 05/09/2025 16:35

Don't panic yet - I spent a week in hospital after my first was born and everything was fine but I just didn't have the time or energy to reply to lots of texts I'd had over that period and there were lots of them. You'll hear from her soon!

SaltAirAndTheRust · 05/09/2025 16:35

So many overreactions on this thread.

Just drop her a message and ask if she’s okay.

Dinosaursare · 05/09/2025 16:36

Yes definitely message

Didimum · 05/09/2025 16:39

How worrying for you. Since you have said you've already messaged her and she has received but not read or replied, I would not message her again.

I would definitely message her brother.

Dinosaursare · 05/09/2025 16:40

SaltAirAndTheRust · 05/09/2025 16:35

So many overreactions on this thread.

Just drop her a message and ask if she’s okay.

Op has and its been left unread

mrsoftl · 05/09/2025 16:41

I would wait.

I didn't send out a birth announcement after being kept in for a few days - difficult birth, we were dodging NICU afterwards, I didn't sleep during the induction and labour or much in the days afterwards, I'd also had an operation to remove the placenta.

I just did not have the bandwidth to keep friends updated - then felt very guilty when I got a beautifully-phrased message asking if everything was okay, and that they were there for support if needed 😳I explained, but felt guilty...

If anything terrible or difficult has happened please, please do be there and don't go quiet at that point - but take your lead from them. I hope she and the baby are okay. You are a great and caring friend xxx

SaltAirAndTheRust · 05/09/2025 16:41

Dinosaursare · 05/09/2025 16:40

Op has and its been left unread

Show quote history

And yet there’s so many people saying “don’t message under any circumstances!!!!”

Just drop her brother a message. No need for the hysterics.

holachicatita · 05/09/2025 16:47

Definitely message her brother, just tell him what you've told us?

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 05/09/2025 16:48

SaltAirAndTheRust · 05/09/2025 16:41

And yet there’s so many people saying “don’t message under any circumstances!!!!”

Just drop her brother a message. No need for the hysterics.

Show quote history

And what if something traumatic has happened and the friend isn't ready to share (as evidenced by the lack of message). That's putting the brother in a hell of an awkward position.

SaltAirAndTheRust · 05/09/2025 16:51

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 05/09/2025 16:48

And what if something traumatic has happened and the friend isn't ready to share (as evidenced by the lack of message). That's putting the brother in a hell of an awkward position.

Show quote history

Is life this difficult for all of you? It’s a caring message.

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 05/09/2025 16:53

SaltAirAndTheRust · 05/09/2025 16:51

Is life this difficult for all of you? It’s a caring message.

Show quote history

It's difficult when you're unwell, have a baby in NICU, don't want anyone to know so stay away from your phone, and friends can't wait for you to be ready to tell them so start putting family members in an awkward position because their need for information is greater than your need for space for a week, yes.

SaltAirAndTheRust · 05/09/2025 16:55

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 05/09/2025 16:53

It's difficult when you're unwell, have a baby in NICU, don't want anyone to know so stay away from your phone, and friends can't wait for you to be ready to tell them so start putting family members in an awkward position because their need for information is greater than your need for space for a week, yes.

Show quote history

But you don’t know that’s what’s happened.

It’s genuinely insane to me that you think that a caring message is this awful thing to do

KaitlynnFairchild · 05/09/2025 16:55

I can see why you are worried but if there has been no reply and no social media updates then I think it might be a bit much to start messaging the family.

Just drop her another message telling her you hope all is ok and you are there for her if she needs you.

Maybe phrase it better than that though, I am not great with words.

MayaPinion · 05/09/2025 16:56

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 13:56

And this is your absolute besties that you’ve been through thick and thin with.

And you don’t have her husband’s number?

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I don’t have any of my friends’ partners numbers. It’s not that unusual.

jetlag92 · 05/09/2025 16:57

This happened to me, I called to ask how everything was going and her baby had unfortunately died.

I would definitely message rather than calling.

tezzz · 05/09/2025 16:58

Hi OP, I would drop her another message to say “hey, I have been thinking of you over the past few days, I hope all is well. Sending you lots of love “

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 05/09/2025 17:01

SaltAirAndTheRust · 05/09/2025 16:55

But you don’t know that’s what’s happened.

It’s genuinely insane to me that you think that a caring message is this awful thing to do

Show quote history

Exactly, op doesn't know what's happened, all she knows is that she has sent a message, and, for whatever reason her friend hasn't responded, and nobody has told her anything else or put anything on social media (presumably).

Clearly something is going on and ops friend just isn't ready to share yet, so bypassing her and messaging a family member is pretty intrusive and putting him in a really awkward position.

I've been there, unable to share news because I'm still getting my head around it myself, and people thinking them being nosy is more important than my need for space. Its not a nice place to be.

Sometimes backing off when there are clear signals, as there are here, is the nicest thing to do.

SaltAirAndTheRust · 05/09/2025 17:01

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 05/09/2025 17:01

Exactly, op doesn't know what's happened, all she knows is that she has sent a message, and, for whatever reason her friend hasn't responded, and nobody has told her anything else or put anything on social media (presumably).

Clearly something is going on and ops friend just isn't ready to share yet, so bypassing her and messaging a family member is pretty intrusive and putting him in a really awkward position.

I've been there, unable to share news because I'm still getting my head around it myself, and people thinking them being nosy is more important than my need for space. Its not a nice place to be.

Sometimes backing off when there are clear signals, as there are here, is the nicest thing to do.

Show quote history

There is no clear signal. I pity people who make life this difficult.

lalaloopyhead · 05/09/2025 17:03

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 13:56

And this is your absolute besties that you’ve been through thick and thin with.

And you don’t have her husband’s number?

Show quote history

Ive know my best friend for over 40 years and I've known her DH for 35 years (they've been together since school) and I don't have his number, I've never needed it 🤷‍♀️

I would be worried too OP and I think it would be perfectly fine to message her Brother.

Plastictreees · 05/09/2025 17:03

I don’t think a best friend needs to ‘back off’ at this point. They are essentially family. I don’t think it would be intrusive at all to reach out, out of concern. Of course if someone expresses the desire for space, then that should be respected.

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 05/09/2025 17:05

SaltAirAndTheRust · 05/09/2025 17:01

There is no clear signal. I pity people who make life this difficult.

Show quote history

Ops message hasn't been opened, nor replied to the message, and the friend hasn't communicated via anything else, that's a clear signal.

I pity people who think it's fine to trample all over clear boundries after a traumatic event and think it's fine to message family members to get information they feel entitled to.

SaltAirAndTheRust · 05/09/2025 17:06

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 05/09/2025 17:05

Ops message hasn't been opened, nor replied to the message, and the friend hasn't communicated via anything else, that's a clear signal.

I pity people who think it's fine to trample all over clear boundries after a traumatic event and think it's fine to message family members to get information they feel entitled to.

Show quote history

I think your own trauma is clouding your judgment here a lot

limescale · 05/09/2025 17:11

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 13:56

And this is your absolute besties that you’ve been through thick and thin with.

And you don’t have her husband’s number?

Show quote history

The only husband/partner numbers I have will be because I've had some interaction independent of their partner (my friend) e.g. one helped me set up an Xbox, one is now my plumber, one has a taxi firm and I use him for travel.

I do not have the numbers of my good friend's partners just because I am friends with their wife.

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 05/09/2025 17:14

SaltAirAndTheRust · 05/09/2025 17:06

I think your own trauma is clouding your judgment here a lot

Show quote history

I mean if not thinking it's normal to want a few days after giving birth to recover without friends messaging your family for information is my trauma clouding my judgement, I guess it is.

That's even without anything else that could be going on.

She will update op on her timeline and shouldn't be guilted or harassed onto it.

niadainud · 05/09/2025 17:31

Given you're very close I would message her asking if everything is ok. If the worst has happened, receiving a text from you isn't going to make it any more horrendous - and it may help her to know you're thinking about her even if she doesn't feel able to get in touch at the moment.

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