Page 12 | Aibu to message my friend?

Roundmirrors · 2025-09-05T12:40:22+00:00

My best friend went into labour 5 days ago messaged me to say it was all happening, very exciting, she was about to go into hospital etc etc... we have been through thick and thin together and besties since we were little. It's now 5 days on and I still haven't heard anything more. I have messaged her, but she hasn't read my message (it has been received). I'm really worried about her/baby. Aibu to consider messaging her family members to check everything is ok? The more time passes, the more worried I am. It's just so unlike her to not message... 😢 Sorry title is wrong! Should say 'message my friend's family'!

Mumoftwoandcats · 07/09/2025 19:12

She’s your best friend, 100% contact her brother. You aren’t being nosey or intrusive, you’re concerned. There could be many reasons she hasn’t been in touch, but if you are close enough for her to have told you when she was in labour, you’re close enough to,offer support should she need it, for whatever reason. I hope Al, is ok, and she’s just busy with the new baby.

fatphalange · 07/09/2025 19:37

I’d have been round there with some flowers by now. You must be beside yourself with worry. Mumsnet will have you think you’re overstepping unless summoned but she is like a sister to you. Your very best friend. Show up for her in this time of celebration or tragedy. A week is a long time given your usual contact and the life event she’s just gone through

LovelySunnyDayToday · 07/09/2025 19:55

You can’t just turn up that’s obnoxious!

Message and just say “darling friend, I hope everything is alright? Love you”

or something. Then please let is know when she texts back. I’m worried now!

fatphalange · 07/09/2025 20:02

She already has. Several times. Something clearly is wrong. Hopefully only with the phone not the baby or the lady in question.
To think visiting a sister (friend) with a bunch of flowers is obnoxious is something I have only ever heard about on MN, thank God. These women are very close. In my world it’s usual to nip round with a card and flowers at the best of times for a new mother. It would definitely be acceptable where there is an actual cause for concern. I’m not suggesting the OP strong arms her way into the house and demands refreshments 🙄 she doesn’t even need to cross the door step.

Satisfiedwithanapple · 07/09/2025 20:04

Mumoftwoandcats · 07/09/2025 19:12

She’s your best friend, 100% contact her brother. You aren’t being nosey or intrusive, you’re concerned. There could be many reasons she hasn’t been in touch, but if you are close enough for her to have told you when she was in labour, you’re close enough to,offer support should she need it, for whatever reason. I hope Al, is ok, and she’s just busy with the new baby.

I completely agree.

The fact that the OP is out of her mind with worry and needs reassuring is also selfish only on Mumsnet.

RapunzelHadExtensions · 07/09/2025 20:38

Roundmirrors · 07/09/2025 13:03

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate everyone's insights and I should probably have put tw in the title. I am sorry for the loss of those who have been through really hard times.

It isn't about me being selfish and just wanting news for my own benefit. I love my friend like a sister and her the same to me. If I got in touch with her family, I would just say that I wanted to pass my thoughts and love on and I hope she is ok. And I hope they would know I'm just being kind - not out for selfish gain. I wouldn't demand information or put any burden on her loved ones to answer me.
This is a sister-like friend who was beyond excited to share her pregnancy news as soon as she found out - before she'd even told family etc... Of course sent on scan photos as soon as she'd had the appointments, etc.... told me about the labour. It is very, very concerning that she hasn't made contact for days and days. If I'm honest, I'm worried that she may be gravely ill or worse. I had a distant relative pass away after labour and also know someone who passed away and thankfully was revived after CPR. Time will tell, but it's a gruelling wait, not knowing what the outcome has been following her last contact. I care so deeply for her.

Thanks for the hand-hold everyone.

You sound like a lovely friend OP and so does she.

It's getting increasingly worrying, I agree. Surely by now even if her phone had died or got lost she would have found another way to communicate?

Keeping you both in my thoughts. Definitely message or call someone tomorrow. They will shed some light I'm sure. 💐

HevenlyMeS · 07/09/2025 21:03

Yes & I believe she's already tried messaging her friend directly 😢

HevenlyMeS · 07/09/2025 21:11

Yes I completely concur
& isn't it soul destroying, if folks are accused of being selfish, when they're obviously, just immensely concerned 🙏

NorthenAdventure · 07/09/2025 21:15

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 07/09/2025 10:29

Its not unfair at all.

The friend would have found a way to contact op if she wanted to.

She obviously doesn't want to at the moment, anything could be going on.

Instead of giving the support the friend is making it clear she requires (space and time) op intends to go to a family member to get information.

Which part of this is about the friend at all? It's about a want for information about the friend. The friend doesn't want to share it yet. She will when she's ready, on her own tineline.

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I agree actually. I had a friend go through an awful late miscarriage and she stopped contacting people for a bit. I gave her the time and space she needed (though I didn't know exactly what had happened at the time, I knew something was up as she stopped messaging everyone, and we all guessed it might be that). Afterwards, she thanked me much later for being patient and for giving her the space she needed. She then explained that there was one friend (a mutual friend actually who I also vaguely knew) who wouldn't let it go and kept messaging her and, getting no reply, eventually turned up at her house. My friend was not up for ANY visitors and said it was awful - she ended up hiding upstairs sobbing and telling her husband to tell her friend to just leave her alone. Things have never been the same between them since (and a few years have passed now).

I'm not saying this would be the same for everybody, and some people might even appreciate someone turning up uninvited at their home, or messaging them (or their family) without reply, but please just be aware that not everyone would like that.

But OP, you know your friend and nobody on this thread does, so go with what you think she would want.

NorthenAdventure · 07/09/2025 21:19

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 07/09/2025 10:51

You don't need to tell me about what it's like to be in a dark place, two of my children have died.

I appreciated the people who respected my boundries, and didn't put themselves and their feelings above me and mine.

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I'm so sorry sorry.

And yes, that's exactly what my friend told me when people were pestering her for a response and she just wasn't ready. She knew people would be worried and want reassurance but had to put herself first, and just needed time. She found the constant barrage of messages (and especially the one well-being woman who turned up uninvited at her house!) suffocating and beyond stressful at a time when she should have been thinking only of herself rather than others.

NorthenAdventure · 07/09/2025 21:21

Satisfiedwithanapple · 07/09/2025 20:04

I completely agree.

The fact that the OP is out of her mind with worry and needs reassuring is also selfish only on Mumsnet.

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The thing is, if something awful had happened, the OP's own worries and need for reassurance needs to take second place to her friend's needs. I'm sure you can understand that.

RubySquid · 07/09/2025 21:22

NorthenAdventure · 07/09/2025 21:15

I agree actually. I had a friend go through an awful late miscarriage and she stopped contacting people for a bit. I gave her the time and space she needed (though I didn't know exactly what had happened at the time, I knew something was up as she stopped messaging everyone, and we all guessed it might be that). Afterwards, she thanked me much later for being patient and for giving her the space she needed. She then explained that there was one friend (a mutual friend actually who I also vaguely knew) who wouldn't let it go and kept messaging her and, getting no reply, eventually turned up at her house. My friend was not up for ANY visitors and said it was awful - she ended up hiding upstairs sobbing and telling her husband to tell her friend to just leave her alone. Things have never been the same between them since (and a few years have passed now).

I'm not saying this would be the same for everybody, and some people might even appreciate someone turning up uninvited at their home, or messaging them (or their family) without reply, but please just be aware that not everyone would like that.

But OP, you know your friend and nobody on this thread does, so go with what you think she would want.

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That's a tad different from sending her brother a text though. That she wouldn't even know about unless he told her.

My dd had a stillborn baby, she fely abandoned enough by friends not acknowledging it and " avoiding her" ( her words exactly)

Seems no matter what you so you will never please anyone.

Yourgirlhere1302 · 07/09/2025 21:33

I’ve been on both sides. I’ve had a baby in the nicu for the first week and didn’t want to speak to anyone. It was the worst week of my life.

I have also been on your side. My best friend has a history of losses and was in labour which she was excited about, then told me it wasn’t going to plan and was becoming quite traumatic and then didn’t text me for 3 days. I was obviously beside myself with worry but gave her space as I knew if she needed me, or could contact me, she would. I think if it had got to about 7-10 days later I would have contracted her husband or mum to check in. I know that first week can be a blur. She ended up having an emergency c section and was shattered so didn’t tell anyone baby was here until 3 days later. She was absolutely within her rights to not update everyone in them first few hard days.

I know it’s really difficult but take a step back and try again in a few days to contact her family member once it’s past a week

NorthenAdventure · 07/09/2025 21:33

Ah the problem with that though is that it's surely not his place to tell. If either of my siblings lost a baby or had given birth to a seriously ill child etc, I certainly wouldn't start sharing that around unless my sibling had given express permission to do so. So, messaging her brother for an update would, as a few posters have already pointed out earlier in the thread, potentially put the brother in a difficult position, and possibly having to tell his sister that he's had her friends messaging him... potentially stress she doesn't need. Again, what is she hoping to gain from this - is it personal reassurance to allay her own worries, or is for the benefit or the friend?

One thing she COULD do, however, is simply share her phone number with the brother and just say - no need to reply, but here's my phone number in case needed for anything at all for X (name of friend). I think that would be less intrusive than asking questions, and offer an option that can be ignored. That said, unless something awful has happened to the friend herself, I'm sure she's quite capable of giving her brother someone's number herself if she really desperately wanted to make contact.

The reference to sending more messages and turning up at her house was in response to suggestions by other posters by the way.

NorthenAdventure · 07/09/2025 21:35

RubySquid · 07/09/2025 21:22

That's a tad different from sending her brother a text though. That she wouldn't even know about unless he told her.

My dd had a stillborn baby, she fely abandoned enough by friends not acknowledging it and " avoiding her" ( her words exactly)

Seems no matter what you so you will never please anyone.

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My dd had a stillborn baby, she fely abandoned enough by friends not acknowledging it and " avoiding her" ( her words exactly)

But in this scenario the OP has already sent messages, and has no idea what's going on, so there's hardly any abandonment or lack of acknowledgement going on is there! If her friend messages her and the OP doesn't get back to her, then sure!

Flopsyturvy · 07/09/2025 21:36

I hope your friend is ok xx

LovelySunnyDayToday · 07/09/2025 21:46

fatphalange · 07/09/2025 20:02

She already has. Several times. Something clearly is wrong. Hopefully only with the phone not the baby or the lady in question.
To think visiting a sister (friend) with a bunch of flowers is obnoxious is something I have only ever heard about on MN, thank God. These women are very close. In my world it’s usual to nip round with a card and flowers at the best of times for a new mother. It would definitely be acceptable where there is an actual cause for concern. I’m not suggesting the OP strong arms her way into the house and demands refreshments 🙄 she doesn’t even need to cross the door step.

FFS. If it was my best friend, I would absolutely respect the fact that she’s not in a place to talk and let her tell me when she’s ready for a face to face visit. That’s loving and putting someone else’s feelings before your own.

To visit unannounced now when there’s been no reply to texts would be all about OP’s feelings. Give her space to let you know when she’s ready. That’s what I meant by just popping on round would be obnoxious.

thatswhatsheshed · 07/09/2025 21:49

you must be on pins op I really hope everything’s ok!x

T1Dmama · 07/09/2025 22:01

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Christ some people have an odd way of caring!
I’d be pissed off if my best friend didn’t enquire after me after a couple of days, let alone 5

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 07/09/2025 22:05

T1Dmama · 07/09/2025 22:01

Christ some people have an odd way of caring!
I’d be pissed off if my best friend didn’t enquire after me after a couple of days, let alone 5

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Op has enquired, and her friend has ignored her messages so far.

Caring is respecting that.

T1Dmama · 07/09/2025 22:08

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 07/09/2025 22:05

Op has enquired, and her friend has ignored her messages so far.

Caring is respecting that.

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Christ a little message to the brother asking if all is ok because she’s going out of her mind with worry is hardly overstepping

T1Dmama · 07/09/2025 22:11

When I went into labour (early) I only told my parents and best friend…. (Non of my siblings)…. After about 30 hours of not hearing anything my best friend drove to my parents as was worried, she caught my parents getting in the car to come over as I’d literally just given birth. Hasn’t yet had time to text. I to this day think it’s lovely she was so worried about me.

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 07/09/2025 22:13

T1Dmama · 07/09/2025 22:08

Christ a little message to the brother asking if all is ok because she’s going out of her mind with worry is hardly overstepping

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It is, as she is making it clear by not opening or answering messages, and not getting in touch with op any other way, that she needs space just now.

Op may be worried, but she should wait to be informed, at a pace comfortable for her friend, because its her friend who is going through whatever she is going through right now. All op has to do is wait and she will find out what's gone on. She doesn't have a right to information about someone just because she feels entitled to it.

tinylegoscars · 07/09/2025 22:18

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

HevenlyMeS · 07/09/2025 22:43

Yes, I also think how lovely of your dear friend & also what a lovely friend & person you are too🙏