Page 10 | Aibu to message my friend?

DomPom47 · 06/09/2025 20:30

I would email the brother and ask for friends husbands number.

mamabird2984 · 06/09/2025 20:34

Midwife here - is it her first baby?
I say this with love and admiration for women and their bodies but often first time parents come into hospital expecting that they’re in established labour already and they’re not, so they’re sent home to await events (all being well). Maybe she’s been in early labour for a few days and is exhausted and maybe even a little embarrassed that she’d announced she was in labour. I’ve seen it happen where parents are really devastated that they’re not in established labour yet. If it’s been 5 days, potentially baby is only just arriving and she’s been in latent phase for a while. My first I was on and off contracting for about a week before she was actually born.
I would be worried too as a friend and it’s not usual for you to not hear from her. I’d also be worrying her and her baby weren’t okay… But hopefully (?) she’s just had a long (but normal and healthy) labour and they’re just spending a day or two getting to know each other before sharing the news. 🤞🏻

Namerequired · 06/09/2025 20:52

Message her brother to check on her. I hope she’s ok

Original poster

Roundmirrors · 06/09/2025 21:10

mamabird2984 · 06/09/2025 20:34

Midwife here - is it her first baby?
I say this with love and admiration for women and their bodies but often first time parents come into hospital expecting that they’re in established labour already and they’re not, so they’re sent home to await events (all being well). Maybe she’s been in early labour for a few days and is exhausted and maybe even a little embarrassed that she’d announced she was in labour. I’ve seen it happen where parents are really devastated that they’re not in established labour yet. If it’s been 5 days, potentially baby is only just arriving and she’s been in latent phase for a while. My first I was on and off contracting for about a week before she was actually born.
I would be worried too as a friend and it’s not usual for you to not hear from her. I’d also be worrying her and her baby weren’t okay… But hopefully (?) she’s just had a long (but normal and healthy) labour and they’re just spending a day or two getting to know each other before sharing the news. 🤞🏻

This is what I'm hoping! It did cross my mind as I know early labour can be very drawn out, until you're in active labour. Thank you.

It's mainly for this reason that I'm holding off ... Because there is every chance that she wasn't progressing, things have been stop start and she's just absolutely exhausted!

I am quite afraid of upsetting others, so I suppose I am erring into the 'she'll let me know when she's ready' and the 'no news is good news' camp. Fingers crossed ❤️

OP posts:

AnaisVB · 06/09/2025 21:19

I would defo message the family . I’d potentially even message my friend again saying just checking in , we’re all thinking of you or something like that . It’s nice when you’re an I overwhelmed new mum to hear that people are thinking about you . You’re her best friend and you’re not asking for anything other than sending love.

Subwaystop · 06/09/2025 21:20

I can't imagine being in this position and holding off. I'd go straight to dropping a message to family without any hand-wringing. I'm super introverted and not one to reach out a lot. But here I'd do it just to make sure that if she needs support and is too overwhelmed to ask, her family knows I'm around.

MissHollysDolly · 06/09/2025 21:24

Message her to say something non commital - “love you/ thinking of you/ sending hugs”. If something has gone wrong she will
share it in her own time

smithsgj · 06/09/2025 21:34

WhereIsMyLight · 05/09/2025 14:30

Why would she have her husband’s number? I don’t have my best friend’s husbands number, she doesn’t have mine. I’ve been friends with her for nearly 30 years and her husband was at school with us. I still have no need to talk him and therefore I don’t need his number.

If something happened to me or my best friend, our DH’s know the passcodes for our phones and would either get the number from our phone or use our phone.

OP, I’m going to go against the grain and say message your friend. She might just be taking longer than usual. She might have forgotten. I absolutely know you’re worried and I would be too but on the family side, if something bad has happened having people message you is really hard. If something has happened, they will be in touch when they can put words to what they’re feeling.

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Do you mean you would go against the grain and NOT message her? You must do. And I agree with the reasons you’ve given.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 06/09/2025 21:34

@Roundmirrors You sound like a lovely friend.

GentleJadeOP · 06/09/2025 21:58

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 13:56

And this is your absolute besties that you’ve been through thick and thin with.

And you don’t have her husband’s number?

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That’s not unusual! I don’t have my friend from 30 years husband’s number

Billybea · 06/09/2025 22:01

I feel your pain, on the other side of the coin she could be thinking that she's not heard from you and you're supposed to be her best friend! It's hard to know what to do for the best! Good luck with whatever you decide and fingers crossed x

WhereIsMyLight · 06/09/2025 22:09

smithsgj · 06/09/2025 21:34

Do you mean you would go against the grain and NOT message her? You must do. And I agree with the reasons you’ve given.

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No, go against the grain and message her, not the brother as most people were saying. If she isn’t ready to talk, she can ignore the message. If something has happened, messaging family puts pressure on them when they might not be ready to deal with that yet.

NorthenAdventure · 06/09/2025 22:49

AnaisVB · 06/09/2025 21:19

I would defo message the family . I’d potentially even message my friend again saying just checking in , we’re all thinking of you or something like that . It’s nice when you’re an I overwhelmed new mum to hear that people are thinking about you . You’re her best friend and you’re not asking for anything other than sending love.

Oh God, I remember people doing that when I was overdue. It was awful. I threw my phone across the room at one point - people wouldn't leave me alone. I appreciate everyone is different, and maybe some people like being messaged loads af times like that, but it really stressed me out to have people repeatedly message me (and tbh I found it really rude and selfish). As I say, I understand not everyone would react the same way.

NorthenAdventure · 06/09/2025 22:53

Namechange7282829 · 06/09/2025 20:24

Where did I say anything about a baby?! It was someone else she lost! Her friends found out and were concerned about her wellbeing in the aftermath when she stopped responding to their messages abruptly. The point I was making is that I did not find it remotely intrusive that they messaged me with concerns for her welfare. And yes she was fine with me talking to them as I knew she would be because I know my sister better than a randomer on MN does.

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A sensible assumption, surely, as you are commenting on a thread about a woman being in labour, them said that your friend suffered a loss herself? Not exactly a stretch...!

NorthenAdventure · 06/09/2025 22:56

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 06/09/2025 19:45

Privacy’s fine but you can’t message someone when you are going into labour and provide zero update. Thats so worrying.

You can if god forbid something has gone terribly even tragically wrong.
I highly doubt the ops friend is keeping her hanging on purpose but she can't be expected to be in the right headspace to think about having the courtesy to not be worrying anyone if she's potentially going through the worst time of her life.

This. I fully agree. This does happen, and then etiquette and courtesy is the last thing she'd be thinking of.

HOPEFULLY everything is fine. But if she's suffered a loss (my friend did), or has a baby born seriously ill, or will Downs Syndrome etc, then it would be harsh to keep pushing for a reply (and unfair on family to have to deal with explaining to people when they might not want to without her permission).

Of course, she might be in a blissful newborn baby bubble and everything is fine. Either way, you've already messaged her so she knows you're thinking of her... to message her again would be for your sake rather than hers.

I understand why you're worried though, and I really do hope everything is okay.

Frostynoman · 06/09/2025 23:01

I remembered to text my oldest friend four days after my little one arrived - it completely slipped my mind!

DurinsBane · 07/09/2025 00:19

Hope all is ok

user1492757084 · 07/09/2025 00:51

You are besties, so give her a real phone call, or visit with a casserole.
If still no response call the next closest family member to her. Her brother is a good choice.

247achybreakyheart · 07/09/2025 03:02

Roundmirrors · 05/09/2025 13:40

My best friend went into labour 5 days ago messaged me to say it was all happening, very exciting, she was about to go into hospital etc etc... we have been through thick and thin together and besties since we were little.
It's now 5 days on and I still haven't heard anything more. I have messaged her, but she hasn't read my message (it has been received). I'm really worried about her/baby.
Aibu to consider messaging her family members to check everything is ok? The more time passes, the more worried I am. It's just so unlike her to not message... 😢

Sorry title is wrong! Should say 'message my friend's family'!

Hello,

I am obviously hoping for the best outcome & safe birth for mummy & baby- in saying that (I'm not trying to scare anyone- I was VERY naive and didn't know this could happen & im just giving my personal experience) my first pregnancy was great not a problem, I have some major complex health issues but nothing that could be passed to any babies, but I had a date for a elective c-section under general anaesthetic, the day we went in to have the section we found out that there was no heartbeat, I had felt movement the night before & the post mortem said my baby had passed away anywhere up to 18 hours before we presented at the hospital- I didn't feel movement that morning-but that wasn't unusual as it would usually be after I'd had breakfast & my 1 cup of coffee before I started to feel any movement- with me have a GA I was obviously fasting from midnight the night before so I just thought there was no movement being felt because I'd not eaten or drank anything- but tragically that wasn't the case.
Again I'm not trying to scare you but my phone couldn't have been further from my mind & I don't think I contacted anyone for weeks! (My husband told family) so if it was me I would definitely contact someone her family & just say your just checking to make sure they're both doing ok? I really really hope they're both doing well & just so in love that she doesn't even realise it's been 5 days 🥰🥰

Backtoschooltime · 07/09/2025 07:51

I am so sorry to hear you experienced that @247achybreakyheart.

I’d message the brother and say that you are worried and does he have any information he can share with you?

I was in labour for 4 days and had a healthy baby at the end. It was just really slow like the midwife said in a PP. The baby was back to back which causes this apparently but I only found that out on day 3. I didn’t message anyone during this time I don’t think (although I didn’t tell any friends I was in labour either).

Hopefully it’s just that the baby took a long time to come and then she’s exhausted because of this. Having a long labour with a lack of sleep straight into caring for a newborn is tough. Keeping everything crossed for a positive outcome 🤞🏻

thepariscrimefiles · 07/09/2025 09:00

247achybreakyheart · 07/09/2025 03:02

Hello,

I am obviously hoping for the best outcome & safe birth for mummy & baby- in saying that (I'm not trying to scare anyone- I was VERY naive and didn't know this could happen & im just giving my personal experience) my first pregnancy was great not a problem, I have some major complex health issues but nothing that could be passed to any babies, but I had a date for a elective c-section under general anaesthetic, the day we went in to have the section we found out that there was no heartbeat, I had felt movement the night before & the post mortem said my baby had passed away anywhere up to 18 hours before we presented at the hospital- I didn't feel movement that morning-but that wasn't unusual as it would usually be after I'd had breakfast & my 1 cup of coffee before I started to feel any movement- with me have a GA I was obviously fasting from midnight the night before so I just thought there was no movement being felt because I'd not eaten or drank anything- but tragically that wasn't the case.
Again I'm not trying to scare you but my phone couldn't have been further from my mind & I don't think I contacted anyone for weeks! (My husband told family) so if it was me I would definitely contact someone her family & just say your just checking to make sure they're both doing ok? I really really hope they're both doing well & just so in love that she doesn't even realise it's been 5 days 🥰🥰

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I'm so sorry for your loss. The lack of contact from OP's friend does make me consider the possibility of a tragic rather than a happy outcome which is why the suggestions from some posters that OP should just pop round with a casserole are ill-advised.

Original poster

Roundmirrors · 07/09/2025 09:28

247achybreakyheart · 07/09/2025 03:02

Hello,

I am obviously hoping for the best outcome & safe birth for mummy & baby- in saying that (I'm not trying to scare anyone- I was VERY naive and didn't know this could happen & im just giving my personal experience) my first pregnancy was great not a problem, I have some major complex health issues but nothing that could be passed to any babies, but I had a date for a elective c-section under general anaesthetic, the day we went in to have the section we found out that there was no heartbeat, I had felt movement the night before & the post mortem said my baby had passed away anywhere up to 18 hours before we presented at the hospital- I didn't feel movement that morning-but that wasn't unusual as it would usually be after I'd had breakfast & my 1 cup of coffee before I started to feel any movement- with me have a GA I was obviously fasting from midnight the night before so I just thought there was no movement being felt because I'd not eaten or drank anything- but tragically that wasn't the case.
Again I'm not trying to scare you but my phone couldn't have been further from my mind & I don't think I contacted anyone for weeks! (My husband told family) so if it was me I would definitely contact someone her family & just say your just checking to make sure they're both doing ok? I really really hope they're both doing well & just so in love that she doesn't even realise it's been 5 days 🥰🥰

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I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. Xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Roundmirrors · 07/09/2025 09:37

Thanks everyone. I messaged my friend again, but still no reply or read receipt.

I am going to wait and if I haven't heard anything by tomorrow, start of a new week, I'll get in touch with her family I think. I don't think that'd be unreasonable given the situation as a whole.

I don't want to pop round or call the hospital or anything invasive like that. Xx

OP posts:

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 07/09/2025 10:04

It's very worrying that she's not reading messages. Barring phone being lost, I would be thinking something awful is going on.

In your shoes i would be contacting family saying I'm worried and friend not picking up messages. It's not intrusive at this point, it's being a friend and showing you care.

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 07/09/2025 10:16

It is worrying, but you messaging her family is all about you and your feelings, and not about her and her feelings at all.

If she wanted you to know anything, you would know.

There's a reason she hasn't updated you, and going to her family, when she isn't replying, simply because you want information she isn't sharing, is really invasive.