Aibu to message my friend?

[Roundmirrors]

My best friend went into labour 5 days ago messaged me to say it was all happening, very exciting, she was about to go into hospital etc etc... we have been through thick and thin together and besties since we were little.
It's now 5 days on and I still haven't heard anything more. I have messaged her, but she hasn't read my message (it has been received). I'm really worried about her/baby.
Aibu to consider messaging her family members to check everything is ok? The more time passes, the more worried I am. It's just so unlike her to not message... 😢

Sorry title is wrong! Should say 'message my friend's family'!

I feel this is very unfair. I'm sure the OP like me cares deeply and loves her friends. My reason for wanting to know would be for the concern for my friend and how I can support her whether that's the arrival or a new baby or another situation. It would be very a very sad world if everyone was just out for themselves.

It’s not invasive! It’s called being a worried good friend!

Its not unfair at all.

The friend would have found a way to contact op if she wanted to.

She obviously doesn't want to at the moment, anything could be going on.

Instead of giving the support the friend is making it clear she requires (space and time) op intends to go to a family member to get information.

Which part of this is about the friend at all? It's about a want for information about the friend. The friend doesn't want to share it yet. She will when she's ready, on her own tineline.

Bypassing someone who wants space and time to get information about that person is absolutely invasive.

Friend will share her news when she is ready to.

Sometimes people are in such a bad place that they can't reach out for support or don't know how to find the words. At these times just knowing friends care can mean everything. Ops friend might be busy with a new baby or might be having the worst time of her life. I know I would deeply appreciate knowing friends were concerned and wanting to support me if I was in a dark place and unable to reach out.

You don't need to tell me about what it's like to be in a dark place, two of my children have died.

I appreciated the people who respected my boundries, and didn't put themselves and their feelings above me and mine.

I'm so sorry, how awful!

Everyone is different and reacts differently, its just different perspectives, is all.

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate everyone's insights and I should probably have put tw in the title. I am sorry for the loss of those who have been through really hard times.

It isn't about me being selfish and just wanting news for my own benefit. I love my friend like a sister and her the same to me. If I got in touch with her family, I would just say that I wanted to pass my thoughts and love on and I hope she is ok. And I hope they would know I'm just being kind - not out for selfish gain. I wouldn't demand information or put any burden on her loved ones to answer me.
This is a sister-like friend who was beyond excited to share her pregnancy news as soon as she found out - before she'd even told family etc... Of course sent on scan photos as soon as she'd had the appointments, etc.... told me about the labour. It is very, very concerning that she hasn't made contact for days and days. If I'm honest, I'm worried that she may be gravely ill or worse. I had a distant relative pass away after labour and also know someone who passed away and thankfully was revived after CPR. Time will tell, but it's a gruelling wait, not knowing what the outcome has been following her last contact. I care so deeply for her.

Thanks for the hand-hold everyone.

I completely agree with @Randomma, in my situation obviously my family knew (husband had to make that call- I dunno how he did & honestly I don't even remember) but the days just went by and I couldn't think of anything or anyone else- not because I didn't want anyone to know or I was keeping information from them I just simply wanted to spend whatever time I had with my sweet baby before we had to part ways, I'm certain my closest friends were in contact with my family & I am & was more than happy for them to tell my close friends, if I was in your situation and you still haven't heard from her & your her lifelong best friend- I would absolutely be contacting whoever In her family your have numbers for- not obviously being nosey but just showing your genuine love & support for your best friend! I don't think it's intrusive to contact them at all- I wouldn't go to the hospital or house or anything but I don't see anything wrong with contacting her family- I really really am wishing the best outcome & best of health for both your friend & her baby- please let us know when you do hear if she's ok 💗💓💞

You’re acting like you’re in some sort of paralysis OP. At what point are you going to take action and contact a family member of your ‘sister-like’ friend? As someone with a couple of lifelong best friends I’m finding your lack of reaching out here a bit odd. Her family must know you, and it would be reasonable for you to enquire as to her wellbeing at this point.

Oh god I'd really hate to be in this situation you must be sick with worry- I'm not religious but if that comforts you I would absolutely say some prayers for you & your friend x

My first baby ended up in nicu for a week with blood sugar issues (he was full term!). The week absolutely flew by and honestly, I dont remember messaging anyone but my sister (twin, so were extremely close)... I do hope everything is ok with your friend though, to have heard nothing for a week is alarming - i think id have messaged someone by now..

I'm sorry for your loss 💐

My dd was born very unwell and died when she was 2 weeks old.

I didn't want anyone to know. If I did I would have contacted them, and I felt so out of control of the situation, when people went to my family instead of waiting for me to be ready, it made me feel even less in control and really affected me.

It was a bit different when my son died, he was a bit older then my daughter, but even then I just wanted space and time and to be left alone and to reach out to people on my own terms.

Op has shown love and concern, by messaging the friend directly, the friend obviously wants space. I can't see what going to family would achieve that messaging the friend directly hasn't, apart from getting information in a more intrusive way.

It's only been a week, she will contact op when she's ready.

Have you still not heard?
Tricky situation for you.
Let us know what happens.

I think soon it wouldn't be unreasonable to actually ask the family if all is OK.

I think given the close relationship I would message her brother now and just say you wanted to check all is ok. That's not making it about you. It's being a concerned friend.

Hey OP, I'm sure loads of others have said that she may be in a very long latent labour stage I was in latent labour for just over a week with my first and then active for over 30 hours.
It's horribly worrying when someone you love is going through childbirth though. I was in a complete state when my sister in law was in having my nephew, they had a loss before and I knew how scared she was. Sitting waiting for news when there's nothing you can do is hard.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your friend and hope you hear soon that she and baby are doing great.

Don't think there's anything unusual about not having husband number at all

exactly this! I’d call the brother

Just text the brother and say
‘is Sally ok? She text last Friday saying she was on way to hospital and I’ve not heard from her since and I’m worried sick..

With both my labours my cervix wouldn't dilate (sorry if this is a bit too much info), as a result with both pregnancies I was in labour for hrs and hrs. With my youngest it was 67 hours. The hospital told me this can happen and I wd be left a maximum of 6 days with contractions before any intervention took place. With both I ended up having emergency caesareans and was in hospital for a week after each birth. Coz of epidurals I couldn't move my legs for a long time. I relied on my hubby ringing family when the boys were born, but he didn't have phone numbers for friends. I suspect there has been some form of complication with the birth of yr friend's baby and mum and Dad may be dealing with shock, lack of sleep, exhaustion, possibly grief etc I do hope all is well with your friend. Contact a family member, not her direct. She may not have the words. All the very
best

@LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog

I'm so incredibly sorry for your two losses, I can't even imagine what that's like, thank you for your condolences. Im sure some people will find this weird or morbid to say but I often wonder if my sweet DD had of lived for a while then passed away would it be worse or harder because we would've known her, heard her giggles, had proper cuddles, got to know her wee personality, known the colour of her eyes! It's just a horrible horrible thing to go through and I honestly hadn't heard of stillbirth until then! It seems (and I done it too!) as soon as people have their 12 week scan they think great! we can tell everyone now we're having a baby, now when I see people making those posts it angers & saddens me that in reality some of these women won't be bringing their babies home- I understand why it's not talked about but I think it should be brought up at some point in your pregnancy check ups.
I know what you mean about the loss of control and wanting to be in control of something In that situation, obviously everyone is different & I was just letting the OP know that the reason I didn't contact anyone wasn't because I didn't want them to know- it was I just couldn't think passed what's going to happen when we have to leave the hospital- that's it all I could think of was my beautiful baby, my husband & why this had happened- I didn't have the bandwidth to even consider people might be waiting to hear. I wish you all the very best, I'd like to ask if you were able to have any current living children but I obviously don't want to upset you or make you feel like you need to tell a stranger anything so personal but I really hope your ok regardless of how long ago this happened because I know it's not something that will ever leave you. Xxxx

I absolutely understand everything you're saying 💐

I feel the same, I wonder about all the different scenarios, what would have been easier or more difficult.

I'm not sure if its just because we have limited memories with our babies that our mind just thinks of all the "what ifs" as another way of keeping their memory going. Like each year that passes I think if what should have been, schools, jobs, kids, big birthdays etc.

I'm not sure where you are along the way here, but my son died 27 years ago now, and my daughter died 18 years ago, so I'm pretty far down the path, but there's still the odd day that I can't get out of bed even now.

I'm very, very fortunate to have went on to have 6 beautiful dc, I know that sounds like a crazy amount (and it is) but I think I always felt my family wasn't complete, and it's taken a lot of soul searching to realise I never will feel like my family is complete because ds and dd will never be here.

Wherever you are on this path I really do hope that the hard days are as gentle as they can be on you, and that you can think about your beautiful dd and smile sometimes, because you'll always be her Mummy ❤️

I'm honestly so sorry for all of you that have experienced these terrible losses 💐

Absolutely agree and echo this.

as someone who experienced into double figures pre twenty week losses, the stories here are utterly devastating.

OP, in terms of what you do next, follow your instincts. If I hadn’t heard from a best friend, or close friend, for maybe three days I would have been there. Whatever the outcome here, I’m praying for a happy baby bubble, after a week there has to be some awareness of how others will be panicking for you.

I suppose here, because we are so rural, privacy on this level was impossible. It just would not happen. If I vanished for a few days everyone would know why. That’s not necessarily a good thing, but if all is ok I would never put a friend through that. If all is not ok, I don’t think I would either, not a close friend.

given what you have said about not having each others families numbers, I wonder if it is a phone issue, broken or lost. Stolen? So someone can see the messages.

is she sitting there saying why has my friend not reached out in a week?

a week is a long time for someone as closely involved as you say you have been.