To tell my DS’s GF she can’t just move into our cottage rent free??

[CraziiHart]

Posting for traffic because I honestly don’t know if I’m losing the plot or not.

Long story short (well not that short)… DS is 21 and has been seeing this girl for about 5 mins. She’s a nice enough kid I suppose, cheeky and thinks she’s funny, but she’s very… present. You know what I mean? Anyway DS was only meant to have her staying over now and then. Couple nights here, couple nights there. Except now it’s turned into every single night, her stuff is in the bathroom, I’m finding her socks in the dryer, and she’s eating me out of house and home.

We’ve got the cottage round the back of the pub (we run the pub, so everything’s already chaotic) and the deal was that DS had it for a bit of independence but still close to home. Except now it’s like she’s moved in. She helps herself to food from the bar kitchen like she’s staff, leaves the lights on, showers twice a day (!!!) and the water bill has shot right up. Before anyone says it, yes she has a home, she’s got parents about 10 mins away. But apparently it’s “just easier” staying here. Easier for who?! Not me.

I don’t want to be the wicked witch MIL type but I feel like a mug. It’s not a hotel. I didn’t sign up to feed and house some random GF rent free. I asked her the other night if she’s actually living here now and she just laughed and said “well I sort of am, aren’t I.” Like it’s a joke. DH thinks I’m overreacting and should leave them be, but it’s my shopping bill she’s piling into and it’s me getting grief from regulars when she’s floating round the bar acting like she’s the landlady.

AIBU to put my foot down and tell her she can’t just move in rent free? Or am I being petty and should just let it go? I don’t want to cause a family row but honestly I feel like she’s taking liberties.

And before anyone has a go, I don’t hate her, she’s alright in small doses. I just don’t think it’s on to sponge off us when she’s barely out of sixth form. Surely that’s reasonable??

@Tryonemoretime - having been brought up in “Christian” home with similar rules, your kids will just be more inventive with what they do and where they do it.

Did you not allow them to stop over in the spare room or on the sofa?

I can see this would have been a straightforward rule, but it does show a lack of trust, especially the bit about bedroom doors. When I was of an age to be stopping with boyfriends, I'd have been a bit hurt not to be trusted to respect the rules of the house.

My parents didn't mind sex under their roof - they were atheists so no religious scruples and they knew I adamantly did not ever want children so there was no chance of my taking the smallest risk about getting pregnant - but that didn't mean I wasn't respectful of other people's rules. This was the early 90s though, perhaps it's different nowadays.

Did you manage to speak to your son? Hopefully he's agreed to your rules. Fingers crossed it gets better.

No and no. One has already had sex. She waited until older. Not afraid they will go NC either. No one I know ever has.

I might add that we are not religious. I am an atheist. I just don't want partners in my small London home. And I am very happy with this decision after seeing how all my friends are housing both their own children and their partners, and driving thrmselves nuts with strangers in their homes. I don't charge rent so it's a good deal.

If my kids are unhappy with this, they can move out. One did move out for a bit and then came back. The other will be moving out in October.

It’s your son who’s being out of order. She’s his guest. He’s being disrespectful.

You need to speak to him and make it clear:

• He doesn’t allow her to enter your business/workplace, other than as a customer. She doesn’t enter behind the bar, pub kitchen, stockroom etc.

• He doesn’t allow her to help herself to any products relating to your workplace: drinks, food, crisps etc.

• He doesn’t allow her to help herself to food from your family kitchen.

• He pays you at v least towards energy and food bills. If he wants a contribution from her, that’s up to them to sort out.

The problem, as I see it, is your son needs to start behaving like a responsible adult, rather than letting his mum sort things out. It’s not for you to police his gf’s showers or ask her for money for board. That’s for him to sort out.

Your partner needs to back you or put his hand in his pocket and cover the extra costs/lost income your son and his gf are causing.

What happened since Op?

I had a similar situation in my parents home. My brother basically tried to move his girlfriend in. Parents too nice to say anything. I realised years later that she knew exactly what she was doing, and she was aware the people were frustrated and uncomfortable. She just relied on our politeness to keep pushing boundaries. So cheeky behind it all.

I eventually said something and my brother didnt speak to me for weeks. I really bruised her ego and offended them both. I'm happy I said it though. I actually don't care if I never see her again.

It later transpired that she is very controlling and domineering behind it all, and bitches about the family behind our backs. A real victim mentality, yet sneaky. I hope my brother walks away. A disaster of a relationship.

The main issue here is your son. What are you teaching him about being an adult by letting him live rent free, not even buy his own food or pay his own bills and waltz into his parents’ business premises taking food and drinks? You are not doing him any favours in the long run and you are making your business look very unprofessional.

She def needs to pay some board towards food and bills

needs to stay out of pub kitchen ans behind bar

tho your regulars don’t why to say who is behind it

and your son needs to start contributing as well

Next time she goes in the pub kitchen or pours a drink ffom tbe bar just tell her straight “excuse me, this is a business theres a kitchen in ds cottage stop taking stock.” I would just be blunt, she sounds like a sponging cf.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum

i wasn’t allowed boyfriends to stay over at my parents house. I had sex therefore in my uni accommodation and then when I moved into a houseshare with mates. Having whoever I wanted stay over whenever I wanted was a privilege associated with being adult and independent and so it was one of the things motivating me to be independent, get good job etc

How did it go Op? I think you’ve been more than generous and whilst she’s young this is bloody cheeky behaviour to just swan about in pub and think she can live for free at yours. It’s a shame your DH is a bit on the weak side by sounds of it. Don’t let that undermine you especially if DS has a tantrum. Stay strong!

@Soontobesingles

it kind of is what you’re saying though. How is OP supposed to have a good relationship with this young woman when she is treating her with such utter contempt? She shouldn’t be be behind the bar, she shouldn’t be helping her herself to kitchen stock, and she should be contributing to the bills if she’s gonna be around so much. And if that ‘damages’ OP’s relationship with her son then so be it …it would really say a lot about him as a person wouldn’t it.

As teenagers, my children understood why I believe that sex should be within marriage only. Yes - of course I knew that they could choose their own path in this. I wasn't sitting on their shoulders! They didn't have to promise me they wouldn't have sex outside marriage. I'm not the secret police 😅. Of course, they could have boyfriends / girlfriend staying the nights in our house - in separatel rooms. I trusted them. Was i worried that they'd be having sex somewhere unsafe? No. If they were old enough to have sex, they were old enough to know not to have it somewhere unsafe.
My children are all adults now, with children of their own and we are all very close. Our stance on sex before marriage doesn't seem to have ruined our relationships.

How is OP supposed to have a good relationship with this young woman when she is treating her with such utter contempt? She shouldn’t be be behind the bar, she shouldn’t be helping her herself to kitchen stock, and she should be contributing to the bills if she’s gonna be around so much.

She might just be following her boyfriend's lead or what he has told her is OK?

And just to add - all of us have house 'rules' - be kind, speak respectfully etc. The minute our children are outside our homes and away from us, they are free to choose to ignore those 'rules' - and that can put them in danger, too. But the fact that our kids can choose their own paths shouldn't mean that we don't tell them what our paths are and why we think as we do.

Yes, my DD had sex in uni and in friend's houseshares. I dont object to that. Not in my house.

At least have standards in the bar and around your work place. It is completely non professional not to.
Insist that DS and GF both follow the same rules about not visiting the bar.
Charge DS for the extra food that GF consumes.
Come to an arrangement with DS about how many nights per week GF can stay over (maybe two at most).
If they can't abide that rule could you suggest that they live month about at her parents' home?

They’re barely adults and they are probably just not thinking rather than acting with contempt. It really isn’t healthy to think the absolute worst of people, especially young people who can sometimes just be a bit selfish. If I were in OP’s position I’d definitely make it clear the gf can’t help herself from the business or wander round the bar, but I’d probably let the showers and feeding her from the family home go, with a word to my son about boundaries.

I was replying to someone who said that she should charge the GF for the cost of the hair straighteners being on all day.

If they are on all day unattended as OP states, then that really is a fire risk.

and I was just saying that approaching it from the fire risk angle was a better idea than adding up the cost of the electricity.

If someone told me something i left on all day was a fire risk, I'd think it was reasonable to turn it off when I wasn't using it and would not be offended by being asked to do so.

OP is running a business where health and safety matter. The GF hasn't been trained in the rules of that as they apply to the business and she needs to either learn them or stay out of the bar. /kitchen..

I also agree with PPs that if they are just out of sixth form.. They are probably clueless. The GF is following DS's lead and isn't deliberately being disrespectful. But she does need to be told she can't wander into the pub kitchen and help herself or nick crisps from the bar.
I'd separate the two issues, what you want your son to do regarding the cottage and extra costs incurred... and what they both have to do regarding your business/livelyhood.
They probalby just need for it all to be explained to them.
Its also not your fault that this has slid.. it was a new situation... you weren't sure how it was going play out, but now that its becoming apparent it is perfectly reasonable for you to explain all this to them once you've worked out what you want from this.

Well they and she are having a lovely time playing house without the expense.

Surely she's not even insured to be behind the bar or in the kitchen getting in everyone's way? None of this is free and she must know this.

My friend's mum ran a small corner store and when I used to go over my friend always said to help myself. No. I was raised to either wait to be offered or if I was very hungry or thirsty to ask if I was allowed. I was aware of that at 12, this was her mum's business and income for the family. Your DSs girlfriend must also be aware of it. It's about respect.

And it's one thing you allowing your child to help himself but that doesn't extend to anyone else.

Why can't they go over to hers? Not as comfortable I bet.

I would be having a quiet word with your son about her and saying that while you don't mind her being here at the weekend I think she should be going back to her parents cos if she plans to stay she needs to contribute you are not a hotel . I wouldn't care how if it was me how my son or his girlfriend takes it .

But DS is 21, not 17. I’m assuming the GF is similar in age, and on that basis I think the pair of them have absolutely no excuse for this attitude of self-serving cluelessness.
I’d be having a pretty serious talk with them, both together, outlining my limits and demands, and starting from today. Unless you see them together for this you cannot be certain your son has transmitted your intentions adequately, and you’ll be facing the need for another little chat again soon.

But if as you say you hardly know her, I’d very definitely be insisting on a weekends-only staying over arrangement (and maybe not even that frequently tbh) until you’ve spent more time with her, so I’d just be requiring a weekly amount from DS, depending on his ££ circs, for his contribution to your family’s expenses.
No way would some unfamiliar young woman be living full time at my place.
I’d be asking questions about her mentality already, merely for the way she’s blithely swanning around behind the bar, and raiding your supplies. Unbelievable!
Sure, you son might certainly have his newish GF to stay, but not on any basis other than occasionally, though I guess that ship has now sailed, leaving ‘weekends only’ as the only reasonable reduction from full-time
Haven’t there been enough threads here about this very situation, where there’s a very unstable or inimical psyche roosting on the premises, impossible to shift?

I’m definitely in disagreement with posts referring their youth explaining their thoughtlessness.
If we do not expect offspring (and their friends) who’ve reached their 20s to display some maturity and consideration, when may it be expected to kick in? At thirty?

Completely agree, Millytante, and I think OP said the girlfriend's 19, so between them there's been enough time to gain some sense even if living for free has done neither any favours