To tell my DS’s GF she can’t just move into our cottage rent free??

[CraziiHart]

Posting for traffic because I honestly don’t know if I’m losing the plot or not.

Long story short (well not that short)… DS is 21 and has been seeing this girl for about 5 mins. She’s a nice enough kid I suppose, cheeky and thinks she’s funny, but she’s very… present. You know what I mean? Anyway DS was only meant to have her staying over now and then. Couple nights here, couple nights there. Except now it’s turned into every single night, her stuff is in the bathroom, I’m finding her socks in the dryer, and she’s eating me out of house and home.

We’ve got the cottage round the back of the pub (we run the pub, so everything’s already chaotic) and the deal was that DS had it for a bit of independence but still close to home. Except now it’s like she’s moved in. She helps herself to food from the bar kitchen like she’s staff, leaves the lights on, showers twice a day (!!!) and the water bill has shot right up. Before anyone says it, yes she has a home, she’s got parents about 10 mins away. But apparently it’s “just easier” staying here. Easier for who?! Not me.

I don’t want to be the wicked witch MIL type but I feel like a mug. It’s not a hotel. I didn’t sign up to feed and house some random GF rent free. I asked her the other night if she’s actually living here now and she just laughed and said “well I sort of am, aren’t I.” Like it’s a joke. DH thinks I’m overreacting and should leave them be, but it’s my shopping bill she’s piling into and it’s me getting grief from regulars when she’s floating round the bar acting like she’s the landlady.

AIBU to put my foot down and tell her she can’t just move in rent free? Or am I being petty and should just let it go? I don’t want to cause a family row but honestly I feel like she’s taking liberties.

And before anyone has a go, I don’t hate her, she’s alright in small doses. I just don’t think it’s on to sponge off us when she’s barely out of sixth form. Surely that’s reasonable??

This. I don't get what else needs to be said.

If the son is that cut up about the OPs totally reasonable decision then he can move out and pay for his girlfriends shower, food & drink consumption himself.

Bet he doesn't though.

um, I wouldn't be talking to her about this.

I'd be talking to my son.

I'd lay it all out in front of my son, and come to some agreement with him.

And then he would enforce this with her.

I would not be involved in that part of it.

Personally, I'd probably let him have her in the cottage sleeping with him, but I'd absolutely stop the floating round the bar and eating stuff.

I'd probably say they have to get their own food to some degree, and do their own washing and she is not to come behind the bar due to health and safety...

Bat this back very firmly into your son's court. This is all his responsibility. She only does what he lets her, because it's his home and his family.

I think your plan now is good, to set boundaries. I actually also think you will be doing them both a favour, as at the moment it sort of isn't a real life relationship, where they are working together on building a future together and making choices. More a sort of all inclusive holiday which someone else has paid for and they have hooked up as a holiday romance. Great for the short term, but not really for the long term.

If you're not charging your DS rent, then I don't think that you should charge his girlfriend rent either. To do so would likely cause a lot of issues. What I would do, however, is ask for a contribution from the pair of them towards food and bills, now that there are two of them living there. Or alternatively just ask that your son starts to cover the food and bills and leave it up to him to decide whether he likes beings out of pocket. Ultimately your DS has invited her to move in and therefore he should deal with the consequences.

Id have to say weekends only you don't live here...you can stay Friday Saturday and Sunday but that's all. I personally don't mind clutter but it's mine I couldn't live with someone's toothpaste spit in the basin. No tell her it's your house just tell her!

Don't let hee behind the bar. She can't piss off your regulars and she has a lot of nerve doing that without your permission. Same with moving in without asking.

She's taking full advantage and will learn to continue to do so with you and life in general.

Time to set boundaries, won't be easy, but she really is ttp. Xxx

I had this with dd2s bf. They both always agreed that he wouldn’t stay over more than a couple of times a week but he was here every night in truth. Put your foot firmly down.

That’s really not what I said. It’s obviously not on for the gf to be using the pub kitchen like it’s her family home, or acting like the pub landlady and so on. But I think it’s pretty normal for a young couple to want to spend most nights together - especially where one has his own home. If the cottage is not the son’s space to do as he pleases then OP needs to discuss boundaries. But like it or not how your treat your kid’s partners will impact your relationship with the children, and this needs to be a consideration when you act in situations like this. Sure OP could tell the gf to ‘fuck off’ but what is that going to ultimately mean for her relationship with her son, especially if this courtship lasts? My mum always took the view you accept kid’s partners into the family (and deal with issues via the kids) - and believe me there were partners she could have easily told to do one. It has been the right decision for meaning her children want her involved in their lives as adults. But of course OP has to make her own choices about what she thinks she will and can accept.

Goodness I’d have to say no staying over, it’s such an imposition.
As well as the associated costs.

Would have course have been better and easier if you had been sharp at the start.
But now put your foot down firmly.

The cottage is bad enough, financially unacceptable, but the Pub situation is completely wrong.
She is neither an employee or 'Family'.
As such, she has no place behind the bar or in kitchen, let alone helping herself. If not already, you will experience staff frustration and dissatisfaction. As you already suggested, what if money or supplies go missing? If staff did what she does, you'd sack them.

Maybe she genuinely doesn't realise she's taking liberties. With it being a pub, she might just associate that with hospitality. She's presumably quite young. When i was young I used to get free lifts with loads of friends etc...never even crossed my mind that petrol costs money. It might just be something like that. Maybe she just thinks pub...oh free food.

She doesn't like her because her behaviour/ attitude is all wrong.

Don't entertain her for a second. Put foot down with son. No visitors to his place for next while and if he can't abide by the rules, he can forfeit his pad and move back into house.

Two very good reasons not to be a Christian!

@Tryonemoretime @Holluschickie do you think your kids wait until marriage to have sex? If not aren’t you scared they will be doing it in cars or somewhere gross/illegal/unsafe?

I don’t blame the gf here really as she is following cues from her boyfriend - she has no idea about budgets etc she’s just been told to make herself at home. why would she understand that laundry and showers cost money I didn’t at that age I barely do now it wouldn’t occur to me not to shower at someone’s house when I am an invited guest. The issue is entirely between you and your son and you not setting boundaries and rules with him - this is easily solved. Don’t scape goat a teen.

I’m probably overtired, but I’m damned if I can see a connection between your first sentence and the rest of your remarks there, which don’t scream anything identifiably ‘Christian’ to me.
Strict house rules might be imposed by anyone, of any or no religious bent; and equally, many a Christian household maintains no such strictures.

When I was much younger, and with my first bf, I occasionally stayed over at his when back from uni. His mother charged him a set rate for each meal I had there. Can't remember how much now, but about the equivalent of 2-5 pounds depending on whether it was just toast and tea for breakfast (2 quid) or 5 quid for dinner- meat, always the cheapest cuts, 2 veg, icecream for pudding. Very generous of her not to charge me.

That's a bit mean, isn't it? You were just an occasional visitor, not living there.

Good grief, she is really taking the piss out of you!

Assign a fair share of the bills to her, and she'll be a trail of dust in about 3 minutes.
Job done.

How did the talk go OP?

I hope things get easier moving forward. It sounds chaotic, your DP should also be made aware of the invoices and costs so you are on the same page. Hopefully your DS has some time to see the financial impact him and his GF are making and realise that they have had it very easy for a while but it's time to help out.
The thing that struck me was her behaviour around your business. I'd be saying unless you are paid staff you do not have access behind my bar or in my pub kitchen (even if you have to say for insurance purposes). If you want to make it fair, say to your DS unless you are putting in an actual shift, you also have no reason to be behind the bar or in the kitchen. He also needs to stock his own cottage kitchen for him and his GF. It's not a free for all at your house.
Once they are made aware of how well their bread is buttered, maybe they will start to treat their situation with a bit more gratitude?

"Right DS & GF, I need to set some rules.
GF - since you are staying in our cottage permanently, you or your parents need to now transfer money to my account on a weekly basis to cover the cost of you staying here. These costs include electricity, gas, water use and food. This is the amount I am requesting each week (£X). If you or your parents are unable to transfer this money to me on a weekly basis then you are unable to stay here. You would not be able to stay in a hotel without paying for months and eat their meals for free because it would affect their profits, and you can't do it here either. And you are 100% not allowed behind the bar at any time norvin the pub kitchen at any time due to insurance purposes, health & safety issues, and bad optics for my business. I am running a business and these are my conditions of you staying here. If you are unable to arrange for your costs to be financially covered, then please move back to your own parents house. What's your mum's number please? I will text the same information to her so that we all understand the situation."
OP, you're funding someone else's child's living costs. Stop.

Give her a rent book and actually, why is anyone without a food hygiene qualification even entering the bar kitchen?

I had a friend who lived in a pub, I spent a lot of time at hers. But we were never allowed behind the bar, nor in the pub kitchen. Every drink and bag of crisps was written down in a book. I wasn’t asked to pay for them (it was only one or two a week) but my friend’s parents needed to know for stock control reasons!

But even if this wasn’t your business, helping herself to your food is the height of cheeky f*kery!