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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DS’s GF she can’t just move into our cottage rent free??

363 replies

CraziiHart · 05/09/2025 10:38

Posting for traffic because I honestly don’t know if I’m losing the plot or not.

Long story short (well not that short)… DS is 21 and has been seeing this girl for about 5 mins. She’s a nice enough kid I suppose, cheeky and thinks she’s funny, but she’s very… present. You know what I mean? Anyway DS was only meant to have her staying over now and then. Couple nights here, couple nights there. Except now it’s turned into every single night, her stuff is in the bathroom, I’m finding her socks in the dryer, and she’s eating me out of house and home.

We’ve got the cottage round the back of the pub (we run the pub, so everything’s already chaotic) and the deal was that DS had it for a bit of independence but still close to home. Except now it’s like she’s moved in. She helps herself to food from the bar kitchen like she’s staff, leaves the lights on, showers twice a day (!!!) and the water bill has shot right up. Before anyone says it, yes she has a home, she’s got parents about 10 mins away. But apparently it’s “just easier” staying here. Easier for who?! Not me.

I don’t want to be the wicked witch MIL type but I feel like a mug. It’s not a hotel. I didn’t sign up to feed and house some random GF rent free. I asked her the other night if she’s actually living here now and she just laughed and said “well I sort of am, aren’t I.” Like it’s a joke. DH thinks I’m overreacting and should leave them be, but it’s my shopping bill she’s piling into and it’s me getting grief from regulars when she’s floating round the bar acting like she’s the landlady.

AIBU to put my foot down and tell her she can’t just move in rent free? Or am I being petty and should just let it go? I don’t want to cause a family row but honestly I feel like she’s taking liberties.

And before anyone has a go, I don’t hate her, she’s alright in small doses. I just don’t think it’s on to sponge off us when she’s barely out of sixth form. Surely that’s reasonable??

OP posts:
Mix56 · 05/09/2025 18:08

She should not be behind the bar, she is not an employee, she is not insured.
It’s not a free for all.
With regards to your son. He needs to pay water & elec on the cottage. Show him the bills, tell him you CANNOT afford it. Finances are strained.
She most certainly does not get her beak into your neither your’s nor the bar’s fridges, or stock.
He has a fridge, she can stock & use it.
He needs to conribute at X per month. & he should not be subbing the gf.
Life as an adult comes with realizing that life us not lived on a wing & a prayer

Meadowfinch · 05/09/2025 18:09

Offer her a choice - She pays rent of £120 a week and cleans the bungalow together with your ds, or she goes home and can stay only one night a week.

Your ds can always go and stay at hers

caringcarer · 05/09/2025 18:11

Stamp your foot down, no going in pub kitchen taking food, only sleep over twice a week. No laundry she can take that home with her. Talk to your DS first and tell him h tells her or you do.

Cherrytree86 · 05/09/2025 18:13

ThisTaupeZebra · 05/09/2025 17:53

OP, I think you need to go and look at all the threads about in-laws who won't let their long-time daughters-in-laws make themselves a cup of tea in their kitchens when visiting, to decide whether or not you are being unreasonable!

@ThisTaupeZebra

Eh?? OP isn’t being unreasonable. It’s a unanimous YANBU for OP!

Horserider5678 · 05/09/2025 18:14

CraziiHart · 05/09/2025 10:38

Posting for traffic because I honestly don’t know if I’m losing the plot or not.

Long story short (well not that short)… DS is 21 and has been seeing this girl for about 5 mins. She’s a nice enough kid I suppose, cheeky and thinks she’s funny, but she’s very… present. You know what I mean? Anyway DS was only meant to have her staying over now and then. Couple nights here, couple nights there. Except now it’s turned into every single night, her stuff is in the bathroom, I’m finding her socks in the dryer, and she’s eating me out of house and home.

We’ve got the cottage round the back of the pub (we run the pub, so everything’s already chaotic) and the deal was that DS had it for a bit of independence but still close to home. Except now it’s like she’s moved in. She helps herself to food from the bar kitchen like she’s staff, leaves the lights on, showers twice a day (!!!) and the water bill has shot right up. Before anyone says it, yes she has a home, she’s got parents about 10 mins away. But apparently it’s “just easier” staying here. Easier for who?! Not me.

I don’t want to be the wicked witch MIL type but I feel like a mug. It’s not a hotel. I didn’t sign up to feed and house some random GF rent free. I asked her the other night if she’s actually living here now and she just laughed and said “well I sort of am, aren’t I.” Like it’s a joke. DH thinks I’m overreacting and should leave them be, but it’s my shopping bill she’s piling into and it’s me getting grief from regulars when she’s floating round the bar acting like she’s the landlady.

AIBU to put my foot down and tell her she can’t just move in rent free? Or am I being petty and should just let it go? I don’t want to cause a family row but honestly I feel like she’s taking liberties.

And before anyone has a go, I don’t hate her, she’s alright in small doses. I just don’t think it’s on to sponge off us when she’s barely out of sixth form. Surely that’s reasonable??

I feel your pain! I could have written this post, I’m in exactly the same position but have now put my foot down, and been very clear when she can stay! It’s hard but you have to set clear boundaries!

Millytante · 05/09/2025 18:16

Wow, what a cheek. But unless she’s as thick as two short planks and quite oblivious generally, it must be your son who has told her that everything is taken care of (so she’ll not leave).
If you are happy that she stays on, with appropriate rules and rent in place, then I think I’d sit the two of them down together, and set out your guidelines about access around the property, being conscientious about wasting electricity etc, and how much she will need to pay from now on.
On the basis that this wasn’t intended to be a full time place for her to crash at all, yet here you all are.
(I’d not be happy about it, really. You don’t know her well but now you’ve an extra person living in your midst, and without even asking you)

Account734 · 05/09/2025 18:20

CraziiHart · 05/09/2025 11:36

Right I’ve just had another look through these and it’s giving me a lot to think about. Thanks for taking the time, even the blunt ones. I know I need to toughen up here.

To answer a few questions - DS does NOT pay me rent at the moment. He was meant to but you know how it goes, he helped out in the pub when needed and I sort of counted that as his “keep”. Probably my mistake because now it looks like everything’s free. He has his own little kitchen in the cottage but never uses it properly, just wanders back into ours and raids the fridge. So no wonder GF thinks she can do the same. Monkey see monkey do.

She does have a part-time job in town, so she’s not completely idle, but it’s shifts and she doesn’t put anything towards being here. I don’t even think she gives her parents board money. Maybe that’s why she likes it here, it’s like a free B&B with unlimited toasties.

The pub thing winds me up most. You lot are right, it’s not just annoying, it’s also risky. If anything went wrong in the kitchen, or if stock goes missing, I’d be the one left looking like a fool. DH thinks it’s “harmless” but he’s not the one paying the invoices. My late FIL would be turning in his grave seeing someone wandering behind the bar like they own it.

I think I do need to use the word “board” instead of rent, like some of you said. It makes it clear she’s not a tenant with rights, just covering her share of food and bills. That feels less heavy but still gets the point across.

So I’m going to sit DS down tonight and lay it out: either she’s a guest (max two nights, buys her own snacks, stays OUT the pub kitchen) or she’s basically living here in which case they both need to pay board and stick to some rules. And if he doesn’t like it then maybe time to grow up and move out properly.

I’m still bracing for the tantrum though. He’ll probably say I’m “ruining things” but honestly I can’t live like I’m running a free youth hostel anymore.

Sounds good OP. Can't believe she's just going behind the bar to help herself, it's actually theft just taking drinks and food from a bar and not paying. Please update us on how it goes.

diddl · 05/09/2025 18:28

Can't believe she's just going behind the bar to help herself,

Tbh I can't believe she wasn't told no the first time she was seen!

MeridianB · 05/09/2025 18:33

Only read your posts OP but am glad to see you’re talking to DS tonight.

100% agree they need to stay out of the pub completely unless officially working. And he needs to make a financial contribution to you for him and her.

Sorry if I missed it but is he working? Time to help him become more independent and that includes bills and rent so he builds a strong work ethic.

BreatheAndFocus · 05/09/2025 18:35

DS does NOT pay me rent at the moment. He was meant to but you know how it goes, he helped out in the pub when needed and I sort of counted that as his “keep”. Probably my mistake because now it looks like everything’s free. He has his own little kitchen in the cottage but never uses it properly, just wanders back into ours and raids the fridge. So no wonder GF thinks she can do the same

In your first post you mentioned that your DS living in the cottage was to give him “Independence” - but he’s not independent at all. He’s treating the cottage like a big bedroom and coming home to raid your fridge. You say he was supposed to pay rent but has done some work in the pub. You need to separate the two things: he pays rent and utility bills and you pay him for any work he does in the pub.

The reason I started with your DS not his GF is that this is the root of the problem. If your DS paid the utilities, I bet he wouldn’t sit quiet while she wasted his money. They’re both like this because they have very little understanding of the cost of things - because they’ve had everything handed to them on a plate. This isn’t doing them any favours at all.

As for the GF prancing around the pub helping herself to things, why on Earth didn’t you put a polite stop to this early on?

Tuesdayschild50 · 05/09/2025 18:46

I wouldnt have her floating around the bar its your work place ...
I think your well within your rights to say they both have to contribute .
Both of my sons contribute to the home they have girlfriends staying showering but not all through the week it would drive me mad.

LittleElfShoes · 05/09/2025 18:50

Good luck for this evening

saraclara · 05/09/2025 18:52

They're should be absolutely no suggestion that she actually moves in with him, or assumption from OP that she's moved in. She's a sixth former FFS!

PotatoLove · 05/09/2025 18:56

She's taking the piss and she knows it OP.

Taking food from the pub kitchen is rude af.

Get her off home.

Bathingforest · 05/09/2025 18:58

Surely your son wants her round

PotatoLove · 05/09/2025 19:00

Also OP, not sure if you own the pub or are part of a company, but if you are part of a company and your Area Manager walks in and sees some random teen helping themselves it's not a good look. Either way, she shouldn't be behind the bar. Ex bar staff here btw.

GiveDogBone · 05/09/2025 19:01

On no account let her get away with it.

Tryonemoretime · 05/09/2025 19:03

Holluschickie · 05/09/2025 15:35

I love being Asian. I just don't allow my DC's partners to stay over. No having to manage them and their rent.

I love being a Christian. It just made things easy for me. No boyfriend or girlfriend ever allowed overnight and bedroom doors open during the day. It's was called being respectful of my house rules. I respected them, too. And I'd happily feed them any time they were with us. No charge 😊

BeAzureRaven · 05/09/2025 19:04

She's taking advantage of you, totally. Send her home and tell her why. 'I'm not willing to pay for your room and board, AND you are impacting my business bc the customers are complaining.' Tell your son he can go spend the night at HER house. See how well that goes over. Or she could pay rent and the pub is OFF limits. Whatever you're comfortable with. But don't let her walk all over you any more.

StopGo · 05/09/2025 19:07

You're risking the licence of the pub so please wake up. Send her home and no more overnights until further notice. DS starts paying his keep, if he is casual bar staff deal with that in the correct way. You could probably have tenants or lodgers in the cottage and get an income from that.

Laura95167 · 05/09/2025 19:10

CraziiHart · 05/09/2025 10:38

Posting for traffic because I honestly don’t know if I’m losing the plot or not.

Long story short (well not that short)… DS is 21 and has been seeing this girl for about 5 mins. She’s a nice enough kid I suppose, cheeky and thinks she’s funny, but she’s very… present. You know what I mean? Anyway DS was only meant to have her staying over now and then. Couple nights here, couple nights there. Except now it’s turned into every single night, her stuff is in the bathroom, I’m finding her socks in the dryer, and she’s eating me out of house and home.

We’ve got the cottage round the back of the pub (we run the pub, so everything’s already chaotic) and the deal was that DS had it for a bit of independence but still close to home. Except now it’s like she’s moved in. She helps herself to food from the bar kitchen like she’s staff, leaves the lights on, showers twice a day (!!!) and the water bill has shot right up. Before anyone says it, yes she has a home, she’s got parents about 10 mins away. But apparently it’s “just easier” staying here. Easier for who?! Not me.

I don’t want to be the wicked witch MIL type but I feel like a mug. It’s not a hotel. I didn’t sign up to feed and house some random GF rent free. I asked her the other night if she’s actually living here now and she just laughed and said “well I sort of am, aren’t I.” Like it’s a joke. DH thinks I’m overreacting and should leave them be, but it’s my shopping bill she’s piling into and it’s me getting grief from regulars when she’s floating round the bar acting like she’s the landlady.

AIBU to put my foot down and tell her she can’t just move in rent free? Or am I being petty and should just let it go? I don’t want to cause a family row but honestly I feel like she’s taking liberties.

And before anyone has a go, I don’t hate her, she’s alright in small doses. I just don’t think it’s on to sponge off us when she’s barely out of sixth form. Surely that’s reasonable??

She isnt the problem DS is. Hes an adult. So I think talk to him, if DS wants to move her in rent/board is £X a week/month.

Also she doesnt eat from the pub unless shes a paying customer

Nodecaffallowed · 05/09/2025 19:11

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

BreadInCaptivity · 05/09/2025 19:13

@CraziiHartyou need to be clear that taking drinks from the bar and food from the pub kitchen is theft and that it’s putting the livelihood of the family at risk - not just the cost but also issues re: insurance and setting an example to any employees (if you have them).

My guess is that she’s copying your son and both of them need a wake up call.

It’s a business not a charity.

Bettyfromlondon · 05/09/2025 19:16

So, you are a pub landlady - you have skills in dealing firmly with difficult customers, staff who need to work to an acceptable standard and suppliers who cannot be allowed to mess you around.
Time to switch from soft indulgent mother to a business woman who can put her foot down with family members taking the piss with your livelihood.

JimmyGiraffe · 05/09/2025 19:21

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/09/2025 16:16

Yep. Agreed...

but maybe the fire risk.. ?

If they were real employees, wouldn't they have to have a fire drill or something?

Show quote history

i don’t think stating fire-risk and regulations is the right way to tackle this …