To tell my DS’s GF she can’t just move into our cottage rent free??

[CraziiHart]

Posting for traffic because I honestly don’t know if I’m losing the plot or not.

Long story short (well not that short)… DS is 21 and has been seeing this girl for about 5 mins. She’s a nice enough kid I suppose, cheeky and thinks she’s funny, but she’s very… present. You know what I mean? Anyway DS was only meant to have her staying over now and then. Couple nights here, couple nights there. Except now it’s turned into every single night, her stuff is in the bathroom, I’m finding her socks in the dryer, and she’s eating me out of house and home.

We’ve got the cottage round the back of the pub (we run the pub, so everything’s already chaotic) and the deal was that DS had it for a bit of independence but still close to home. Except now it’s like she’s moved in. She helps herself to food from the bar kitchen like she’s staff, leaves the lights on, showers twice a day (!!!) and the water bill has shot right up. Before anyone says it, yes she has a home, she’s got parents about 10 mins away. But apparently it’s “just easier” staying here. Easier for who?! Not me.

I don’t want to be the wicked witch MIL type but I feel like a mug. It’s not a hotel. I didn’t sign up to feed and house some random GF rent free. I asked her the other night if she’s actually living here now and she just laughed and said “well I sort of am, aren’t I.” Like it’s a joke. DH thinks I’m overreacting and should leave them be, but it’s my shopping bill she’s piling into and it’s me getting grief from regulars when she’s floating round the bar acting like she’s the landlady.

AIBU to put my foot down and tell her she can’t just move in rent free? Or am I being petty and should just let it go? I don’t want to cause a family row but honestly I feel like she’s taking liberties.

And before anyone has a go, I don’t hate her, she’s alright in small doses. I just don’t think it’s on to sponge off us when she’s barely out of sixth form. Surely that’s reasonable??

If it’s a separate cottage whats stopping her sneaking in at night

She should not be entering a commercial kitchen with consent. Helping herself to food and preparing it there poses a risk of cross contamination, usage storing and labeling of food( say opening a block of cheese) leaving fridge open for to long,not washed hands,covering hair. A commercial kitchen has to be run like an operating theatre.

I think one poster hit the nail on the head when they said that he is using the cottage like a large bedroom.
So is he living and supporting himself in the cottage? Paying bills, cooking meals, cleaning etc? Obviously not, because he is using your kitchen. But the easiest thing would be to say, treat the cottage as YOUR house, and sort yourself out with bills and food. Do that on your own or with your gf, but you need to be responsible for it all.

The pub is a whole other issue. She should not be behind the bar or in the kitchen at all. But then neither should he! (unless they are working)

YANBU, that’s too much!

I was referring to a comment someone made about hair straighteners bring a fire risk!!!

Get rid of her. Seriously she's a cheeky cow and is lording it over you. No way would I be paying for her! Get her OUT!

So cheeky. I always knew my place when I was a 19 year old, and would never dream of crossing boundaries like she is. Making drinks for herself behind the bar as though the place is hers? Wtf!
Your son is taking the piss by allowing her. Your son will definitely throw a tantrum and he seems entitled.

If it's the food and bills, I'd ask for a contribution towards these expenses considering she's practically living with you now. I'd also tell her she must keep out the pub as it's for employees and customers.

But to be honest, although it's your son's home too, it's yours and you pay for it and it seems inappropriate for her to be living with you full time without consulting you. I'd probably say, she can come round at weekends if it was me.

I can only imagine the quiet conversations the staff are having among themselves.

Such a bad look for staff to see such disrespect going unchecked.

OP is asking for staff to take the piss too.

I wasn't referring to that,I ve worked in several kitchens, there are very strict rules in place for a good reason.

Just wow

I love being a Christian. It just made things easy for me. No boyfriend or girlfriend ever allowed overnight and bedroom doors open during the day. It's was called being respectful of my house rules. I respected them, too. And I'd happily feed them any time they were with us. No charge 😊

Its probably already been said by other posters but I would be having the conversation with my son not her. He is the one being disrespectful towards you and taking the piss letting his GF behave this way. He doesn't seem mature enough to be in this cottage and I'd be saying he will have to move out of it continues

@Bathingforest

So? OP doesn’t, and seeing as she is the one paying all the bills what she says, go’s.

Her breezy entitlement would be too much for me.

It would be more appropriate for her to treat you with respect and politely ask if it’s OK for her to move in. I think this cheeky behaviour is a massive red flag.

I agree. I wouldn't be having any conversation with her.
I would spell it out to him in the plainest most unambiguous language.
If he didn't sort it very quickly with her, then I would step in.
I wouldn't tolerate my home and business being treated as a free convenience for some entitled young one.

Exactly.

With my boyfriend's Mum when I was that age I was ' Thank you Mrs Patterson...Yes please Mrs Patterson...' all the time and I wouldn't have dared get a glass of water without asking.

This young madam is accomplished at CFering from a very young age and she needs to lose the entitlement stat. Parading about behind the bar, helping herself to crisps and drinks is disgraceful. When I worked in pubs, we paid for what we had.

yes OP I agree with @Soontobesingles

you have to tolerate any old shit from this woman else it may damage your relationship with your son and he’ll go no contact and stop you seeing any future grandchildren and chuck you in a nursing home. You need to put up and shut up. Who cares that this woman’s behaviour is jeopardising your business??

🙄

I'd be interested to know what your son has told her!

I'd be telling her that if she's going to treat your business, because that what it is, as her personal free larder all she can make herself useful and start earing her food/drink....

Put her to work as an unpaid barmaid/waitress then see if she's so quick to let it slide that you're the one getting something for free.

I’m expecting a post from someone saying, “I work in a pub and the landlady’s allowed her son’s GF to have free reign over the place, we all hate going to work now” etc

He's 21...he should be a fully functioning adult not having a "little bit of independence." It's very nice of you to let him live in the cottage, but he needs to be paying the bills and the food himself and organising what his GF pays himself. It's not at all unusual for a 21 yo couple to want to live together but it's very unusual for parents to be buying a 21 yos food!

I agree with this op: it's not going to get through to her unless it comes from him.

I'm not defending her - and I think she should go - but just wanted to add that it may not be sheer cheek/greed, even though that is the practical effect on you. I had a friend who used to get like this with her BFs - opening the pantry to see what was in it etc etc and it was actually a desire to feel part of the family and make the relationship feel more serious/secure in her own mind. If you'd made that comment about practically living with you to her, she'd have seen that as a sort of acknowledgement of her "entrenched" status. So I think it's possibly more about being possessive than being a taker as such.

Oh yes!!!

It is unlikely that this is the only girlfriend that your son is ever going to have, so it is probably him you need to talk to. Otherwise it will be a recurring problem.