To feel weird about nursery staff putting bows in DD's hair?

[CalonHapus]

When DW picked up DD from nursery yesterday, they had put DD's hair into bunches with pink bows. They were apparently pretty pleased with themselves and were commenting on how 'cute and girly' DD looked.

We mostly dress DD in unisex clothes (which - as she's 14 months old - lots of people seem to read as 'boys clothes'). She has long hair which we mostly tie up into a 'pineapple' on the top of her head. We're not trying to 'make her look like a boy', we just like to put her in comfy, practical clothes that she can be active in. We don't put her in dresses very often because she tends to get tangled up in them or trip over the hem.

AIBU to feel like the nursery staff were trying to make a point by doing this? i.e. "you're not presenting her like a 'proper girl' so we will"?

I mean, I think I might be being unreasonable in thinking they did it deliberately to make some kind of point - that does seem like a bit of a stretch now that I've thought about it more / read other people's replies.

So I think I'm fine to be posting here tbh 🤷‍♀️

Jesus christ!!! You're comparing bows in a toddler's hair to political slogan tee shirts?? I'm sorry, but this thread shows the world has gone nuts !!! It was bows in a toddler's hair!! What the hell is wrong with that?? And what's wrong with calling a little girl girly?? Everyone needs to calm the hell down about this gender stereotyping nonsense. Really!!! It's gone way too far. Kids will turn out to be what they want to be, regardless of whether someone calls them pretty/handsone/girly or anything else.

OP... are you saying that you've never thought your little girl is pretty? Will you never tell her she is? Is it any different from telling her she's clever? Is it any different from any other confidence boosting compliment ? They will be what they will be!! No amount of bows or 'girly' comments will change that. Everyone just needs to lighten up. If your child is happy there, and that's the worst the nursery does then be thankful.

Gosh, why are you being so precious about one silly little reply? Get a grip - it's really not that deep... 😉

I’d look at it as her being exposed to different approaches, all of which are fine

Don't think its that calculating. The staff at my GDs nursery do her hair. It gets in a mess when shes been there all day. My DD is quite happy they do, shows caring.

I think it depends on the reasons why they're doing it. If she's arriving at nursery and they're immediately styling it differently because they think it looks better, then that's not right. If her hair became loose from her hair bobble and they've just been experimenting during quiet time in the nursery, probably ok. Or if her hair was in her eyes and they've tied it up, that's ok too in my opinion. I don't think I'd be too bothered or make a fuss either way if you are otherwise happy.

Same here OP, they're just not as practical and terrible for puddle suits too but people who only wants to dress their child in dresses won't hear that

I tell DD she's pretty all the time - also clever, cute, hilarious, strong (because she is freakishly strong - like DW - it's actually pretty terrifying 😅), tenacious, loving, bonkers, sweet, and a million other things.

My issue isn't with them doing her hair - as I said earlier, I massively appreciate that. My slight concern / weird feeling was around them adding bows (on top of the hair ties that were holding the bunches in place - so purely for decoration) and then making comments about how 'cute and girly' she looked.

I'm with you OP, totally the same re thoughts on dresses.. for what it's worth we've a family occasion coming up (not a wedding). I've bought a lovely jumper for daughter to wear and the silence when I tell family members says it all. They clearly want her in a dress..
And I do think they might have been subtly trying to show you she can be girlier, I don't think that's a reach, people can be really quite forceful on the 'girls should be in pretty dresses and bows'

"It's hard though - little girls get socialised into gender roles so early"

Ahem, i dunno maybe that's cos there's a 99.999% probability that will be the child's gender maybe!?

Unless of course the woke, 'let the child decide their own gender' brigade, get too busy, and then she'll likely become a trans, Adhd , gluten free, vegan, SEN mess up by the time she's a teenager.... cos that's the crazy world we live in I guess!?

Op. I've read your responses but not whole thread. I think you were reasonable to feel like your boundaries are pushed, and many people here telling you it's not a big deal, are kind of just reinforcing the idea that there's nothing political at all about gender norms. I'm glad you realise there is. You'd think a women's forum would be a bit more feminist, instead of "please let your 14 month old be girly!!!".

They're just bows. Soon enough she'll want kiddies jewellery, and rings, and pink everything !!!. They're just bows!! Jewellery for the hair. I really think you're over thinking the 'girly' comment. I can't for one second believe they were having a go. She's a girl. She looked girly. Don't read anything more into it.

@CalonHapus

I’ve worked in nurseries where this happens…
It’s not something I would do - unless a hair band falls out, or they need hair tied back for an activity, and I wouldn’t add hair accessories.

If it’s for hair dressers role play - maybe? - but I’m always mindful of nothing but essential contact, otherwise I think they should have their personal space.
I also think the world is moving away from the ‘pretty obedient Disney princess’ ethos for girls.

In my opinion, I think children/parents should get the ‘option/consent’ for hair styling if it’s part of a curriculum activity.

The nursery workers I know who did it would spend 20mins styling hair, while I was trying to get the rest of the class to tidy up!

Was her hair getting in the way perhaps? I know that you said it was normally up on her head, but could it have fallen or could she have pulled it out (because it was hurting)? I think bunches can be a nice practical option, though the bows were perhaps unnecessary - unless DD saw them on other girls and fancied them too? Honestly, no matter how unisex you dress her, she might have days where she wants pink and bows and other days where she wants mud, tractors and mess - both are ok, as is everything in between. I have said YANBU because I would question it too, but there probably is an innocent explanation.

Storm in a teacup. They’re just trying to be nice.

I suppose helpful is also an opinion here in that case.

If I sent DD to nursery and she got her hair messy, I'd appreciate it if nursery tidied it back for me. Equally, if they did just change her hair, I think I'd think it was sweet of them because I interpret it as a caring act.

That said, you're absolutely right that it is all a matter of opinion.

Edit: read all of OP's posts - I think it IS weird to be pushing for specifically pink bows for OP's DD. Sorry that part didn't come across for me in the first post. Do they also specifically push for all the boys to do something stereotypically boy-ish. And is it only your DD they do this with. Seems weird. I've changed my YABU to YANBU.

There's nothing inherently wrong with bows and it's probably good for your daughter to be exposed to a range of things. But if you feel they did it to make a point, just mention it to them. Most of the girls in my daughter's nursery wore normal practical things so I can't imagine why they would do it to make a point but you might be picking up on something.

Why do you want your DD to be girly and cute? Clever and sharp (that's what cute means) is fine, however.

OP can I ask if there is a specific reason why you dress your daughter in unisex clothes?

And also in terms of toys, what toys does she have? Does she have dolls and toys that are usually graded as being ‘girls toys’ or are these unisex too

I can’t see any issue with them putting bows in her hair and saying she looked cute and girly. It’s a very normal thing to say to a little girl you are caring for on a daily basis, and especially since it appears they have never seen her with bows in before. I say this as an ex ofsted registered childcare provider - it also sounds like your child has a healthy relationship with her childcare provider that she was clearly comfortable to have her hair done by them. It still requires the child to trust that adult that they are with to have things like their hair done - it’s also teaching the child self care too. Much like how they might show her how to wipe herself properly or brush her teeth. It’s also healthy for children to experience the different stereotypical aspects of each gender - so boys might play with dolls, girls might play with cars and trucks.

You are making far too much of an issue of this.

You can't counter something by implying there's something wrong with things that are stereotypical. You end up inadvertently reinforcing stereotypes.

Actually our nursery 15 years ago dressed my 1ish year old son up in a princess costume repeatedly. He loved it! They were initially concerned we’d have an issue with it but we didn’t bat an eyelid. He was having a great time and loved the glittery, fancy bits.. it’s a costume, who cares? He’s got long hair now and still loves glitter - black glittery nails and a crystal glittery earring are standard here 😂

YABU.
At nursery they have a box of leftover hair ties and bows. For all you know they might have asked your dd to pick her favourite.

As you are otherwise very happy with the nursery, I would give them the benefit of the doubt with this one.

I feel you may be reading too much into this which has given you the idea that they are making her cute and girly because you don't (make her cute and girly). I wouldn't imagine that this was their intention. Nurseries always have a stash of hair bobbles etc and I think that this incident with the pink bows says a lot more about the nursery staff member who did your DDs hair than anything about you or your DD. The staff member thinks pink bows are cute and girly. It's fine to think this and it is also fine to think that is not the case. I would let it go.

AIBU to feel like the nursery staff were trying to make a point by doing this? i.e. "you're not presenting her like a 'proper girl' so we will"?

Yeah. You are. Massive projection? If not, that’s quite an assumption to make.

And please enlighten me, what’s a “proper girl”?

A forced attempt at total gender neutrality is just as bad as a couple of bows. She's a little girl, there's nothing wrong with "girly" things. Do you want her to grow up thinking there is something wrong with stereotypical female things?