To feel weird about nursery staff putting bows in DD's hair?

[CalonHapus]

When DW picked up DD from nursery yesterday, they had put DD's hair into bunches with pink bows. They were apparently pretty pleased with themselves and were commenting on how 'cute and girly' DD looked.

We mostly dress DD in unisex clothes (which - as she's 14 months old - lots of people seem to read as 'boys clothes'). She has long hair which we mostly tie up into a 'pineapple' on the top of her head. We're not trying to 'make her look like a boy', we just like to put her in comfy, practical clothes that she can be active in. We don't put her in dresses very often because she tends to get tangled up in them or trip over the hem.

AIBU to feel like the nursery staff were trying to make a point by doing this? i.e. "you're not presenting her like a 'proper girl' so we will"?

Me too...I grew up not allowed anything feminine as it was seen as 'lesser.' Which, in a roundabout way, encouraged exactly the sexism that it was supposed to be opposing. Everything 'girly' was 'yuck, you don't like THAT, do you?' whereas 'boys' stuff' was considered more valuable, more respectable, more important. (I remember being sooo jealous of my cousin's fluffy pink bedroom with a bright pink canopy over the bed!)

I would feel the same about these bunches...she definitely doesn't have to look any particular way, but the nursery workers embracing her girly side is not necessarily a bad thing.

You’re overthinking it 🙄 I doubt it’s that deep. Sometimes things just are what they care and there’s no ulterior motive or conspiracy, lighten up a little…

It was a nice thing for the Nursery staff to do. Take it as that and stop looking for things to be upset about.

My daughter used to come home from nursery with the most gorgeous hairstyles.. I was crap at doing her hair so I guess they thought they’d do it for me! 😂 I didn’t mind at all.

Good grief! What is it with the black and white thinking on this thread? Is nuance dead now or is it just online where people can't find the middle ground?

The issue is not "feminine" things or a lack thereof. The issue is also not banning a child from all stereotypical gendered things, or drowning them in it.

The issue is the focus that is being placed on conforming to gendered stereotypes and how apparently no one is allowed to criticize this, because they'll be accused of teaching little girls that "feminine" things make them "lesser" or "un-serious". News flash: Society will do this to your kids anyway. They will get a million such messages everywhere they go before they get even close to puberty.

The OP is not saying "feminine" things are the problem and should be banned, nor are the posters, who are critical of making "cute and girly" comments to a toddler who has yet to learn what this means, guilty of this.

What we are saying, is that people hyper focus on looks when it comes to girls and that they learn early on that their most important quality is to be "cute and girly" as that gets them the most positive attention from all the adults around them.

DS came back from nursery with his hair in bunches with red bows on a few times. They’d been playing hairdresser. He’d enjoyed it, and it didn’t stop him being a boy 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn’t like it. Not because I’d think they were making a point as such, more because she’s not a doll to play dress up with. At 14 months I’d be very shocked if she actively took part in the decision and chose the hairstyle because she liked it!

I worked in a nursery years ago and often would need to redo hair, but I’d just do it in a quick ponytail/pineapple for the very little ones. It’s different when they’re in preschool and can show preference and enjoy dress up.
when I was a nanny I would do hair into styles from a younger age, but that’s because I was responsible for dressing the children in the morning and doing their hair was part of that.

Not allowed to do kids hair. My friend brushed a wee ones hair for picture day. Mum went nuts. It's touching that doesn't need to happen.

People who choose to work with toddlers generally like them, and will be a little bit excited when they’re looking particularly cute. It was just some nursery staff having fun and doing something professionally affectionate with a child. It’s fine.

That's a real shame.

Touch is a very important sense.

My granddaughter loves getting her hair done by nursery staff. One of them is really good at it.

Thank you for articulating this so clearly 👏

Exactly! I think there is a huge problem in society if we can’t challenge ‘cute and girly and submissive’ - and are ridiculed if we attempt that challenge!!

You think the only form of praise those nursery staff gave the child that day was related to her looks?

Not that they thought the painting she did was really creative? That she was really grown up for doing a wee on the potty? That she listened well at story time?

One passing comment is not a 'hyper focus' on looks. That little girl will have had positive reinforcement for plenty of things she did that day, not just for having some bloody bows in her hair.

Given that there have been at least five anecdotes on this thread alone about people's sons having their hair plaited/put in pigtails at nursery, then yes, I suspect they would.

my nursery have done this with both my DD and DS so I think it’s just one of those things. If it bothers you ask them not to but I wouldn’t read too much into it.

I work at a nursery and we do have a few parents ask us if it's not too much trouble if we could do something with their DC's hair as children can be very different at nursery that at home, or sometimes an older child will ask us to do something in their hair.

I do think it's quite unnecessary at that age unless her hair was long and in her eyes, but as you mention this is not the case. I would definitely just mention it and ask them nicely to leave her hair as is :)

My 2yo nephew however comes home from nursery most days with his hair in little bunches at the top of his head because he asks the staff to make his hair look like a dinosaur hahaha

The mum needs to get a damned grip !! If the child fell and hurt her knee should they not touch her to clean it and put a plaster on?? Or the very many other reasons that may occur?? Jesus christ!!! Oh how horrendous... someone brushed a child's hair!!!!! Give me strength !!!!!

Oh my god the ruffles. Why! They ruin so many otherwise perfectly nice tops. And I'm totally with you on all the bullshit 'be kind', 'smile', 'always be happy' slogans that appear exclusively on girls' clothing.

I dressed my daughter pretty gender neutral as a baby and young toddler, because I just dislike really girly stuff and I hate how young children are put into boxes based on gender. She still wore dresses sometimes but I agree at 14 months old it's not the most practical! Within weeks of moving up to the toddler room at nursery she was prancing around in dressing up clothes declaring that she was a princess, and now she loves ALL things 'girly'. I've had to embrace it but it's mad how strong the societal influences are. I can understand why this situation niggled at you, but I expect the staff just enjoyed doing her hair and the comments were related to the fact she looked different to normal (but not better or worse). I don't think nursery staff judge how a kid dresses, I have dressed both my kids like absolute shit for nursery before! The worst mismatched clothes ever, basically just old tatty stuff that I didn't mind getting covered in paint. I can't imagine them even noticing that your DD's clothes tend to be gender neutral.

Why would you think I think that? Where did I say that I think they "only" complimented looks? Finally, why do you think that children "only" receive praise at nursery?

Relax... ffs

😂😂😂

Your concern was a 'hyper focus' on looks for little girls. How does one single comment at the end of the day amongst a litany of others equate to a hyper focus?

Yanbu. Would give me the ick too. (For same reasons)

Again, where did I liken a "single comment" to systemic hyper focus? I am talking systemic issues where individual, single comments stack up, because everyone makes them, especially towards little girls dressing up.

Imagine you got pregnant and you just started showing and nearly every single person you meet wants to touch your stomach. Sure, to each individual it's only a single, isolated request. To you, however, the recipient of all these requests, will likely be sick of it if you experience this every time you leave the house.

The problem is systemic. Nearly everyone does it and little children learn from and mimic adults and will grow up acting the same way. That's the problem. It's part of a wider culture. You need to break the chain somewhere.