To feel weird about nursery staff putting bows in DD's hair?

[CalonHapus]

When DW picked up DD from nursery yesterday, they had put DD's hair into bunches with pink bows. They were apparently pretty pleased with themselves and were commenting on how 'cute and girly' DD looked.

We mostly dress DD in unisex clothes (which - as she's 14 months old - lots of people seem to read as 'boys clothes'). She has long hair which we mostly tie up into a 'pineapple' on the top of her head. We're not trying to 'make her look like a boy', we just like to put her in comfy, practical clothes that she can be active in. We don't put her in dresses very often because she tends to get tangled up in them or trip over the hem.

AIBU to feel like the nursery staff were trying to make a point by doing this? i.e. "you're not presenting her like a 'proper girl' so we will"?

Yeah sorry but you are, its really not that deep. I doubt they were trying to make a point but if they were...so what?

Well, exactly. They were initially concerned you'd have an issue with it.

The comments about being cute and girly I wouldn't like, but the hair bobbles themselves I wouldn't make a fuss about.

When my DS was in the baby room at nursery, he came home with his hair in a little ponytail a few times, because some of the other children were having their hair tied up and he wanted to join in! And it did look pretty cute!

Sorry but reading this you’re actually actively negatively reinforcing your daughter to avoid anything girlie. She’s female. At 14 months old my daughter was going through my wardrobe playing with my shoes and handbags. People need to develop as they are - it sounds like you are shaping her to conform to your own beliefs

I used to dress my daughters in dungarees etc and yes I had the same - people assumed they were boys.

However, I wouldn't worry about the nursery putting pink bows is her hair. The staff were probably trying to be kind. Also their influence in your child is going to be vastly less than yours.

My daughters are now on their 20s. When they were little, I actively encouraged 'boys' toys and clothes. By about age 3, they both insisted on wearing pink - or if not purple.

As young adults I am pleased to say they are both feminists. The older one is working as a physicist! (the younger one is at uni studying a STEM subject).

I would find this inappropriate, they really should have asked first, or it should be written into whatever documents parents are given.
How were the staff looking after the other children if they were concentrating on fiddling with a child’s hairstyle?
If the child was larger/older would they still think they can play hairdressers? Where do they draw the line?!
I would defo tell some1 at nursery my permission should be asked for.

How were the staff looking after the other children if they were concentrating on fiddling with a child’s hairstyle?

It's really normal for nursery staff to tie hair up for children, especially when they ask for it.

In this case though, I doubt a 14 month old asked for it.

It may have been that your daughter’s hair fell out of the pineapple style you had done for the 5th time that morning so they decided to do bunches in the hope that it would last longer.
Regarding the bows your daughter may have picked them up and wanted them in her hair. Mine at 14 months would have been able to communicate that. Staff were then commenting on this saying how lovely she looked not as a dig at the way you dress her but more to the fact your daughter liked/wanted it so you could also comment to her.

Respectfully, I think they were just trying to bond with your child. On a more practical note, it’s a lot easier to put a toddler’s hair in simple bunches than attempt a top knot, especially if you are not used to doing one.

How is us (mostly) choosing not to dress her in stereotypically feminine clothing any different to someone choosing to dress their daughter in stereotypically feminine clothing? Both are choices driven by the parents' beliefs 🤷‍♀️

I dislike the way anything traditionally feminine is seen as silly or impractical. It seems misogynistic to me tbh.

My 2 year old daughter loves frilly dresses, bows, flowers, the works. She is very rarely not in a pretty little dress. I have yet to encounter anything that her dresses have prohibited her from doing. She gets stuck in with running, climbing, whatever with the best of them - just the same as her brother, who does not wear dresses. I’m also amused by people saying they do dungarees for girls instead which IME limited my children’s range of moment more than any other item of clothing. I can’t think of anything less restrictive than a dress tbh. What exactly is impractical about them? Why are traditionally feminine things inherently frivolous or unserious?

@CalonHapus

I sometimes wonder why people who have such strong views on certain things (gender neutral clothing, don't want my baby to be girly-fied etc) put their children into nursery.

A nursery is a group setting. There is NO way the nursery staff can cater to all your specific, individual parenting needs in line with all your different ideologies.

If you are so particular then why not keep your child at home?

I am not trying to be snarky but I just don't understand the mind set. If you want to control every single aspect of your child's experience then keep them at home with you so that you can do that. It's your right to do so.

But this level of nitpicking is honestly beyond me. They were probably playing dress up. It was not a gender-layered activity.

My girls have afro hair and I can't count the number of times they came home with different styles from the ones I had sent them in with. I asked about it and it was always 1 of 3 things: they had done an activity where my style had fallen out and needed to be re-done, or they were playing dress up and my afro pom poms didnt fit into the crown or whatever was part of the princess outfit so had to be undone purely to get the crown on the head, or the other kids were fascinated with my daughters' hair and asked to touch it etc.

These are nursery kids. There is no gender agenda in a nursery (I don't think).

I think you need to consider why you are so sensitive about this. Dress your child in whatever you want - gender neutral / boy colours - that is fine but nursery is a group setting. Be more confident in your choices. Why do you think the pig tails with a bow were some sort of judgement on what you send your child in normally? Are you not secure in your choices?

The nursery nurses were probably just trying to make chit chat at pick up not trying to "girlify" your your child, whatever that means. To be honest they probably just want all the kids collected promptly after a long day so they can go home. I highly doubt gender politics were involved.

But you're not just dressing her "mostly" anything. You're actively bothered with a slight deviation from the neutral style you've chosen. You don't have to pick one singular style to dress your child in forever. Some variation is ok.

Probably not but I was more objecting to the idea nursery staff are somehow being negligent by fixing a kids hair and older kids do ask for help with it.

Buddy you're spending too much time here going back and forth on a topic you claim doesn't upset you. I don't see the issue but you're within your rights to not want it so just speak to the nursery and move on.

HNRTFT but can honestly say it isn't something that would even register as a potential problem.
My Granddaughter used to love having her hair properly plaited at nursery and it was just a relief that her hair wasn't in tangles for the next morning.

Get a grip !!

In answer to your opening question:

• A lot of the clothes DW and I like are the brightly coloured ones with animals, dinosaurs, plants, etc on them - and a lot of these tend to be in the gender neutral or boys section.

• We were very lucky to get loads of hand me downs from friends who had older babies when DD was born - both were boys.

• DD is comfiest and most unencumbered in leggings, t-shirts and jumpers. We honestly don't care what colours/styles these are (and she has loads) - although not massively keen on those random side ruffles (?) and anything with sexist bullshit like 'be kind' written on them 🤢

• On a deeper level, I want to help DD grow up with the belief that her body is an instrument, not an ornament, and that people can wear what they want.

In terms of toys, she has loads and loves everything. Current favourite is a massive ball pit with attached basketball hoop which takes up most of our front room (thanks SIL... 😅).

I wouldn't have an issue with the nursery tying my daughters hair up into bunches but I would have an issue with them using phrases like cute and girly as I personally don't want my DD to be conditioned to think cute and girly should be something she should be aspiring to.

The ‘issue’ I have is that I think all clothes are gender neutral. No clothes are gender stereotypes. Once you start saying clothes are gender stereotypes, you are reinforcing those stereotypes. I just dressed my daughter in a range of clothes according to circumstance.

I agree. If they had just done her hair and added a bow, it wouldn't have mattered at all. But it suck they are trying to shove gender down her throat at such a young age (or at all). She is a child FFS. Just let her be comfortable and choose (within reason) what she likes. The "cute and girly" comment would make any reasonable person want to vomit. She is not a barbie doll, but a person.

I guess the wider patriarchal context does upset me a bit when I start thinking about it too deeply, to be fair 🤷‍♀️

And you can always hide the thread if me replying to people is irritating you.

What is wrong with being cute and girly? I still don’t understand. My daughter was cute and girly but could climb a tree and and build a fort better than any of the boys. Why are you assigning negative traits to being girly?

my son was super cute too and was often told that. He’s a teenager now and I still call him my little cutie.

Good God 🙄