To feel weird about nursery staff putting bows in DD's hair?

[CalonHapus]

When DW picked up DD from nursery yesterday, they had put DD's hair into bunches with pink bows. They were apparently pretty pleased with themselves and were commenting on how 'cute and girly' DD looked.

We mostly dress DD in unisex clothes (which - as she's 14 months old - lots of people seem to read as 'boys clothes'). She has long hair which we mostly tie up into a 'pineapple' on the top of her head. We're not trying to 'make her look like a boy', we just like to put her in comfy, practical clothes that she can be active in. We don't put her in dresses very often because she tends to get tangled up in them or trip over the hem.

AIBU to feel like the nursery staff were trying to make a point by doing this? i.e. "you're not presenting her like a 'proper girl' so we will"?

Don't see how bows are impractical personally. DD is pretty neutral, has 2 big bros to keep up with, also has pink nails and loves a hair accessory. It's all ok!

It's not irritating me, I just don't see the point arguing with people on mumsnet. As I said it's fine if it bothers you, you don't need to explain or justify it so speak to the nursery so they don't do it again, simple.

It's the conditioning of it that's the problem. These very young girls are rewarded with positive attention for being "cute and girly". They learn from a very early age that it matters more than any other aspect of their being. Being funny? Great. Being intelligent? Also good. Being kind? Sure, we like that too.

But there is no greater aspect of a girl's existence that gets more attention and praise than her appearance if she looks ¨feminine". They can also see how other girls get treated for how they look and they learn from that too.

As evidenced by many posters here who say that their children were initially not bothered much about what they wore, but by age 3 (on average) had a very strong preference for "feminine" clothing. This is not natural, but programmed behavior. Children learn so quickly what gets them praise and what doesn't that they start acting like it and this is years before they form an identity of their own.

The thing is, if you have childcare outside of the family, the people who look after your child are never going to be exactly like you. They're not going to think the same, have the same priorities, have the same opinions.

I was, in today's speak, a very 'intentional' parent, and like you, was keen to avoid gender stereotypes. I had lots of other opinions too!

But as soon as my first started with her lovely childminder, I recognised that I wasn't going to be in control of every interaction they had. For instance, I was very calm around things like flies and bugs, or anything that I could unwittingly lead my DD to be fearful of. My childminder hated them and would witter when she saw one.
But I had to give myself a shake and remind myself that I simply wasn't going to be able to control all the influences in my DD's life. And the childminder was a lovely person who adored DD and was a very positive person in her life. You just have to let go and remind yourself that you and your wife are DD's main influences.

So yep, nursery staff seem to like doing the kids' hair. My DGD comes home with some very pretty (sorry) styles and clearly enjoys having it done.

And your DD will be who she is. Despite my influence and attitude to gender stereotypes, I ended up with one very sporty DD who lives in jeans and dungarees, and one very girly one!

i disagree with the idea that choosing feminine clothing is socialisation and telling girls they look good is a bad thing. You look good you feel good. Most women innately like to look good and wear things that flatter. I honestly don’t understand the point. What is wrong with looking feminine? Why is teaching girls it is bad? I don’t agree with telling girls that to be successful in life you must dress like men and act like men.

You are deliberately misrepresenting my post. I never said it's a "bad thing" to say that girls look good. I said the hyper focus on girls' appearances is what causes the problem. Girls are overwhelmingly praised for their looks to the detriment of their other qualities. How is that a good thing?

If you refuse to even engage with that argument and straw-man me, then there is no point in continuing this discussion.

I'm forever telling my boys they're absolutely bloody gorgeous. Beautiful babies. Stunning. Handsome. And kind, considerate, helpful, clever. I don't see the problem.

Obviously I also tell my daughter she's beautiful. Cute (she's a lot younger than the boys). Clever, helpful, capable. Just today we were discussing how she's so strong and brave. Would be pretty shit parenting to purposely never tell her she's gorgeous too.

DD has all the same toys as her brothers. That's fine because they had 'girl' toys too eg babies, dressing up stuff etc. DS had a Gabbys Dollhouse dollhouse at one point.

Feminist does not equal non-girly, I think there's some confusion around that...

Don't overthink it. It's not a criticism of you, it just highlights the people there have different values (not surprising, as likely more working class/traditional, less liberal). So for them, yes, she probably looks better like this, but do you care what they think in that respect?
I would ignore it, and keep reinstating your values at home. It's not going to have a dramatic impact on a one year old entire mindset !!!

Maybe instead of trying to make this into something that it’s not - you could just appreciate that your child gets care and attention and is treated well at school.

Wow, you need to get a grip. Yabu.

My daughter was regularly coming home with braids after a day in nursery and she loved it. It was a nice little bonding moment with the girls in her room. It’s really not that deep.

Maybe she was just excited when she came out because it isn't something you do at home often. Our nursery used to do the most beautiful french plaits in our little girls hair; I was more in awe of their talent. Experimenting with different styles is fun for children it encourages creativity and curiosity. This isn't going to undermine your values at home, it's just some pink bows she won't remember in a year.

What? the beginning of being defined by looks before you are 2? The nursery has a responsibility to offer care that doesn't diminish life chances or choices by suggesting the 'looking cute and girly' is important; from there lower wages, less opportunities more expensive pink products flow...its hardly trivial

Christ on a bike. I wish this was the issues I had to deal with in life. It’s bunches. Move on.

Haha. Yes. Those Victorian little boys who wore dresses as toddlers went on to run the British Empire. Although on reflection, that's probably not a current parental ambition.

Exactly I found this as well. They got out of doing less pleasant jobs

What I can’t understand is - if the education system is under so much pressure, how can time be afforded to spend 20mins styling a child hair??

In EVERY nursery there are shirkers - however lovely it all seems. And for every member of nursery staff who can spend 20 mins putting bows in one child’s hair, there is another staff member who is run ragged trying to manage the rest of the class.

I can't believe some of the comments on here. Staff at the nursery can quite rightly redo the child's hair if it's falling out and getting in her eyes but not to make a thing of her looking 'cute' in pink bows. They can fuck off with their gender typical indoctrination.
Maybe do your DD's hair in pigtails but without the cutesy pink bows. It's practical, like her clothing.

I think you’re overthinking this one

I have two boys ( both adults) and I tried even back in the dark ages to not be too gender specific ie they had pink clothes if they liked them, didn’t buy them guns, they let their hair grow, cut it, dyed it, they had dolls and kitchens etc so I get OP’s point. What is really making me annoyed at this thread are the amount of presumably women who are so offensive about ( predominantly) female nursery workers. Thick, not very bright, not feminists. How offensive can you get! I’ve worked very closely with nursery staff and they are as different as all of the participants on Mumsnet. My soon to be daughter in law has been a nursery worker and is highly educated with a Masters degree and would no more think a girl should be in pink than fly to the moon. I despair when women are so judgemental of people they don’t even know. Rant over.

The staff sometimes do this at my daughter’s nursery. I couldn’t get worked up about it to be honest.

It's going to be a very long 18 years.

Would they do this to a little boy with long hair? I suspect not.

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe

Bloody agree with that! No - I don’t want cute pink bows, restrictive clothing, high heels, skirts that prevent me from doing sport, being tidy, neat and ‘proper’ to be my stereotype.

High heels, make up, exaggeration of features - there needs to be a recognition that this comes from a male indoctrination : restricted/submissive/passive…

@user2848502016

A woman who overthinks! Is that a bad thing?? Are you saying women should be ‘under thinkers’ and get back in their box?