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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is a really awful thing to say? Tw

238 replies

Goldyy · 04/09/2025 19:39

Referring to children who don’t have behavioural issues or SEND as ‘normal’ children?

OP posts:
Montereyjaaack · 05/09/2025 09:07

Ah the free £1,000 nonsense.

Let’s leave out many parents of children with additional needs cannot work full time, even half time as it were because there is no provision for SEND children outside school, no adequate childminder/wraparound etc care.

So one salary families or single parent with very limited employment opportunities (who if qualifying as carer’s can only work 16 hours a week at low wages or they lose Carer’s Allowance) are allegedly getting FREE money - in a welfare State that also provides benefits for funerals, bereaved family, the unemployed, the sick or disabled who cannot work, the pension age, maternity statutory pay, statutory sick pay etc… Just parents with disabled children getting “free” money, while the others mentioned get what… paid for money?

Let’s ignore that not every family with a child or children with additional needs qualifies for Universal Credit (mine does not).

Let’s ignore facts such as:
Incontinence pads - a necessity for children who are doubly incontinent. At the cost (in my case) of usually £14 per 14 pads (2 days supply), over a month’s period is (in a 30 day month) of £210.
A cost that no parent of a typical child has to fund past being a baby or toddler.

Lets ignore the cost of washing 2-3 loads of washing from various bodily secretions or drying in winter or electricity to do this or the electricity costs of additional hoists or hospital beds etc.

Motability cars - the FREE 🙄 gem of complaints. Requiring noon-refundable deposits of anything from £4,000 -£24,000 depending on the requirements of the user.
All of the Mobility component of DLA or PIP goes directly to the charity (Motability).

DLA - once Motability payment is removed at source is £400 approximately per month. Which obviously covers clothing, shoes, school needs, and social needs (basic human needs) etc for her … but there is no salary replacement for my lost earnings.

Travel to SEND schools requires additional time and petrol - or those free taxis that concern so many (prescribed in law by the way for children to be able to get to school safely).

If I can get a FREE £1,000 a month can some of you clever people who believe this is the case please tell me how to do it?

Id love not to be in debt because my child is disabled.

I would love to not have to face paying £16,000 for a powered wheelchair (still don’t know how I will) or whatever to Motability for her next WAV (due in a year) when I work 10 hours a week in term time only.

I am qualified to PhD level and have had plenty of full time well paid jobs. Now I am awake from 2am most nights and as per the above, broke.

I’d love to have the luxury of being a goady cunt because I can’t stand to see someone (less able) else get “something” that I don’t.

Shinyandnew1 · 05/09/2025 09:08

I dare say most people don't even use that term anymore.

Special needs?

What do you think SEN/SEND stands for?

Hiptothisjive · 05/09/2025 09:25

Well it's a pickle. The definition of normal is usual or typical and stats show non-SEND kids do outnumber kids without SEND, so technically normal in the truest definition of 'usual'. However, feels uncomfortable to say that.

Also not a trigger warning. YABU for that.

cringeywed · 05/09/2025 09:27

Chobby · 05/09/2025 08:55

Was that to me?

Sorry no forgot to quote the delightful fragmented brain. 😆

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/09/2025 09:30

It’s what my 85 and 79 year old parents would say.

SprayWhiteDung · 05/09/2025 09:44

Alicealig · 05/09/2025 02:00

Normal, means what is typical or relating to the majority. We don't need to beat around the bush with different kind of language because when you ban certain words you only achieve in making them more weaponised to those who would use them as such. Say it for what it is. Of course SEND kids aren't normal in terms of education. If we had no normal, with which to refererence then there wouldnt even be any SEND category or any other outlier category for that matter. Normal is what sets the base standard for literally everything we perceive in life.

Yes, this. We don't use the term because it's become loaded and used prejudicially; but essentially, it should just be a neutral term.

I have a medical condition that the vast majority of people don't have - meaning that they are normal and I am not, when focusing on that specific fact. It's not a value judgment or statement of superiority/inferiority - just a way of saying what is 'standard', 'default' or typical for the majority of people.

OwlBeThere · 05/09/2025 20:05

Fragmentedbrain · 05/09/2025 07:03

It's special treatment sucking the lifeblood from mainstream education.

Did I mention the non means tested free taxis everywhere?

What non-means tested free taxis everywhere?
my kids get taxis to college and back and that’s it. Anywhere else is on me to take them and that includes regular hospital appointments in our nearest specialist hospital -80 miles away.

GagMeWithASpoon · 05/09/2025 20:18

Fragmentedbrain · 05/09/2025 07:03

It's special treatment sucking the lifeblood from mainstream education.

Did I mention the non means tested free taxis everywhere?

What? No free goats? How disappointing!!

Chobby · 05/09/2025 20:31

GagMeWithASpoon · 05/09/2025 20:18

What? No free goats? How disappointing!!

No flat screen TVs either 😔

Petitchat · 05/09/2025 20:39

Montereyjaaack · 05/09/2025 09:07

Ah the free £1,000 nonsense.

Let’s leave out many parents of children with additional needs cannot work full time, even half time as it were because there is no provision for SEND children outside school, no adequate childminder/wraparound etc care.

So one salary families or single parent with very limited employment opportunities (who if qualifying as carer’s can only work 16 hours a week at low wages or they lose Carer’s Allowance) are allegedly getting FREE money - in a welfare State that also provides benefits for funerals, bereaved family, the unemployed, the sick or disabled who cannot work, the pension age, maternity statutory pay, statutory sick pay etc… Just parents with disabled children getting “free” money, while the others mentioned get what… paid for money?

Let’s ignore that not every family with a child or children with additional needs qualifies for Universal Credit (mine does not).

Let’s ignore facts such as:
Incontinence pads - a necessity for children who are doubly incontinent. At the cost (in my case) of usually £14 per 14 pads (2 days supply), over a month’s period is (in a 30 day month) of £210.
A cost that no parent of a typical child has to fund past being a baby or toddler.

Lets ignore the cost of washing 2-3 loads of washing from various bodily secretions or drying in winter or electricity to do this or the electricity costs of additional hoists or hospital beds etc.

Motability cars - the FREE 🙄 gem of complaints. Requiring noon-refundable deposits of anything from £4,000 -£24,000 depending on the requirements of the user.
All of the Mobility component of DLA or PIP goes directly to the charity (Motability).

DLA - once Motability payment is removed at source is £400 approximately per month. Which obviously covers clothing, shoes, school needs, and social needs (basic human needs) etc for her … but there is no salary replacement for my lost earnings.

Travel to SEND schools requires additional time and petrol - or those free taxis that concern so many (prescribed in law by the way for children to be able to get to school safely).

If I can get a FREE £1,000 a month can some of you clever people who believe this is the case please tell me how to do it?

Id love not to be in debt because my child is disabled.

I would love to not have to face paying £16,000 for a powered wheelchair (still don’t know how I will) or whatever to Motability for her next WAV (due in a year) when I work 10 hours a week in term time only.

I am qualified to PhD level and have had plenty of full time well paid jobs. Now I am awake from 2am most nights and as per the above, broke.

I’d love to have the luxury of being a goady cunt because I can’t stand to see someone (less able) else get “something” that I don’t.

Just wanted to say something which may help.
I'm sure you would be able to get the incontinence pads on nhs and delivered to your home.
I'm doubly incontinent and receive this service.

You start with GP, requesting a referral to your local incontinence service. Then an assessment of eligibility, a bit of jumping through hoops (as per usual) but worth it in the end.

I was paying for mine for years before some kind nurse told me about this service.
It's a medical condition so of course you're entitled to nhs services.
Good luck, this would alleviate some of the financial pressure.

pinklemonade84 · 05/09/2025 20:51

I think what's awful is that there are people who clearly begrudge children with additional needs and their families extra financial support, support in school or even taxis to allow them to access an education. To be jealous of someone being given equal access to an education etc is just disgusting

I'd certainly prefer my child not to need extra support. Or for her not to have meltdowns where she hurts herself. Or for her not to make herself sick from anxiety because she struggles so much at school

I hope they never have to worry about their child or children the way that parents do whose child has these additional needs

Chobby · 05/09/2025 21:01

pinklemonade84 · 05/09/2025 20:51

I think what's awful is that there are people who clearly begrudge children with additional needs and their families extra financial support, support in school or even taxis to allow them to access an education. To be jealous of someone being given equal access to an education etc is just disgusting

I'd certainly prefer my child not to need extra support. Or for her not to have meltdowns where she hurts herself. Or for her not to make herself sick from anxiety because she struggles so much at school

I hope they never have to worry about their child or children the way that parents do whose child has these additional needs

Exactly. I can’t actually fathom the fact that people seem to resent parents of disabled kids from getting ‘free stuff’, as though they’re… jealous? I’d far rather my child could live a normal life, access mainstream education, not need a fucking taxi to a school miles away. Wouldn’t anyone?

x2boys · 05/09/2025 21:37

Chobby · 05/09/2025 21:01

Exactly. I can’t actually fathom the fact that people seem to resent parents of disabled kids from getting ‘free stuff’, as though they’re… jealous? I’d far rather my child could live a normal life, access mainstream education, not need a fucking taxi to a school miles away. Wouldn’t anyone?

Agreed and I would be happy to give up the DLA and mobility car etc if it meant my son could Talk and live an independent life.

x2boys · 05/09/2025 21:41

Petitchat · 05/09/2025 20:39

Just wanted to say something which may help.
I'm sure you would be able to get the incontinence pads on nhs and delivered to your home.
I'm doubly incontinent and receive this service.

You start with GP, requesting a referral to your local incontinence service. Then an assessment of eligibility, a bit of jumping through hoops (as per usual) but worth it in the end.

I was paying for mine for years before some kind nurse told me about this service.
It's a medical condition so of course you're entitled to nhs services.
Good luck, this would alleviate some of the financial pressure.

I hope you get enough, when my son was doubly incontinent, we got three nappies a day yes it helped ,but we still had to get extra .

LlamaNoDrama · 05/09/2025 21:55

Shinyandnew1 · 05/09/2025 09:08

I dare say most people don't even use that term anymore.

Special needs?

What do you think SEN/SEND stands for?

I meant as in no one refers to a child in and of themselves as being 'special needs' anymore, at least not in my circles anyway! I thought this was an outdated term now. No one would say 'they're a special needs child'. They might say 'they're a child with send/sen'.

LlamaNoDrama · 05/09/2025 21:58

Fragmentedbrain · 05/09/2025 07:03

It's special treatment sucking the lifeblood from mainstream education.

Did I mention the non means tested free taxis everywhere?

Yes, we should just lock 'them' all up at home unseen by the masses for fear of causing offence.

OnetwoThree123456 · 05/09/2025 22:00

Get a grip…

Shinyandnew1 · 05/09/2025 22:20

meant as in no one refers to a child in and of themselves as being 'special needs' anymore, at least not in my circles anyway! I thought this was an outdated term now. No one would say 'they're a special needs child'. They might say 'they're a child with send/sen'.

Plenty of people refer to their child as 'having special needs'.

FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease · 05/09/2025 22:28

AlanAtSnapeMaltings · 04/09/2025 20:27

Meh. I've never heard neurotypical outside of mn. My daughter falls under SEN.

Whenever Ive heard people refer to "normal" it's generally just a clumsy way for them to say NT. I dont think Ive ever heard it used in a way to make SEN or ND kids feel inferior or less.

I think if people arent involved in SEN in some way (eg all their kids and all their friends kids are NT) then they dont necessarily have the language. I dont think, in most cases "normal" is meant to insupt anyone.

Exactly this. Can we stop this faux naive pearl clutching about fucking everything? I have a disabled and ND child. When someone uses the term "normal children" they are just collectively referring to children that fall into the standard norms of various comparable parameters, or functional regulation, as opposed to a child that does not. As well we all know

It's like my idiot neighbour where if you say "you look nice today" she has to give a snarky "oh, do I not usually look nice then?". Do fuck off dear, I was paying you a compliment, as you very well know too.

Petitchat · 05/09/2025 22:30

FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease · 05/09/2025 22:28

Exactly this. Can we stop this faux naive pearl clutching about fucking everything? I have a disabled and ND child. When someone uses the term "normal children" they are just collectively referring to children that fall into the standard norms of various comparable parameters, or functional regulation, as opposed to a child that does not. As well we all know

It's like my idiot neighbour where if you say "you look nice today" she has to give a snarky "oh, do I not usually look nice then?". Do fuck off dear, I was paying you a compliment, as you very well know too.

I know. Irritating, isn't it?
Life's too short, can't be bothered......

Dontlletmedownbruce · 05/09/2025 22:53

Trigger warning? For using the word normal? Dear Lord.

I try not to use this word because it upsets people, I would use words like typical or mainstream which mean exactly the same thing, but I've no doubt someone soon will object and we'll all start using another random word meaning the same thing and pretend to be shocked and upset that we used to use these words.

BlackeyedSusan · 05/09/2025 23:29

OwlBeThere · 05/09/2025 01:12

It’s not saying THEY are special, it’s that they have needs that are special. As if you’re insulted about not having disabled kids.

<Checks list>

We've got a spare diagnosis or two if anyone wants to be special too. Would you like the life threatening ones? Wouldn't mind getting rid of one or two of those.

LlamaNoDrama · 06/09/2025 16:20

Shinyandnew1 · 05/09/2025 22:20

meant as in no one refers to a child in and of themselves as being 'special needs' anymore, at least not in my circles anyway! I thought this was an outdated term now. No one would say 'they're a special needs child'. They might say 'they're a child with send/sen'.

Plenty of people refer to their child as 'having special needs'.

Yeah...that they have special needs. Not that they are special needs.

DareMe · 06/09/2025 16:50

Some people really need to a) work on themselves and b) learn the basics of what equity actually means.

It is not ‘special treatment’ to provide a reasonable adjustment that brings the opportunity to succeed in something up to the same level as other children.

Begrudging a child, who has a significantly lower reading speed and information processing speeds as a result of disability, some extra time in an assessment is just scummy as fuck.

Alittlefeedbackwouldbenice · 06/09/2025 17:24

LlamaNoDrama · 05/09/2025 21:55

I meant as in no one refers to a child in and of themselves as being 'special needs' anymore, at least not in my circles anyway! I thought this was an outdated term now. No one would say 'they're a special needs child'. They might say 'they're a child with send/sen'.

Sen/send annoys me out of an educational context tbh.

My child has disabilities which affects her life, education is a bit of that.

What does it matter what specific educational needs my child has at a theme park, for example. Things like mobility, continence are much bigger than that.

I feel like it's a term mostly geared towards those who are ND (which my eldest is), with the D put on so people don't forget them.

I'm not sure what terms should be used as everything upsets someone.

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