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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be putoff intimacy with DP due to this?

641 replies

Justinegh · 04/09/2025 15:34

DP and I are doing the deed a lot more regularly at the moment because we are ttc. This is usually in the evening when we first get into bed.

DP has a habit of going to the loo for several minutes before he joins me. I told him I find this off putting and unhygienic and asked if he can wait until after or go earlier in the day.

He just doesn’t see the issue and how someone would find it off putting.

Do you think I’m being unreasonable or would this annoy you too? It just seems stupid timing when you know you are going to be intimate with someone. It’s not a one off, it’s most occasions.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
DurinsBane · 05/09/2025 03:23

Coconutter24 · 04/09/2025 16:16

Everyone should have a shower after a poo if they’re going to have sex 🤢

Why?!

PatheticDistraction · 05/09/2025 03:39

AardvarkaKedavra · 04/09/2025 16:38

Not until MN had I ever heard that people 'should' shower before sex or abstain after pooing until they'd had a shower. I understand that the thought of 'toilet activities' is not particularly romantic or sexy, but if I understand correctly, some people think you shouldn't have sex in the evening if you defecated at any point in the day after your morning shower? Confused Seems like an awful lot of work, to be honest!

I'm with you...does no one have spontaneous middle of the night sex!? It would kill the mood for me to hop out of bed to shower.

Moulook31 · 05/09/2025 03:44

Bloom2922 · 04/09/2025 16:08

Call me childish but this thread has me in hysterics.

Same here 😂😂

Doweneedjellyfish · 05/09/2025 04:49

I can tell not many people have been in a relationship with a man from a Muslim country!

My ex husband wouldn’t dream of having sex unless he’d had a shower, I’m pretty sure he expected me to model myself on his behaviour. This was different if it was spontaneous but then you don’t have time to consider these things. If OP is literally waiting for her DH whilst he curls on out then it’s going to be on her mind isn’t it?! I hope the smell is contained.

All the men I’ve dated/married from Muslim countries (more than the average person I suspect, I definitely have a type!) wash their bums after pooing and I have to admit that I do appreciate it.

My current DP of 13 years has had to use toilet paper on occasion (when we are out or go away) rather than washing and says he just feels itchy and unclean afterwards. I tried to use a lota (bum washing jug) as I liked the idea of how much more hygienic it is but now we have a bum gun. I just couldn’t use the lota as it requires a lot of dexterity, my DP was taught how to use it as a child - I just flooded our bathroom 😂.

I am used to these kinds of discussions because people are often curious and ask DP about his bum washing (left hand only !) when they see his hygiene equipment in our bathroom. I did insist in introducing soap though which I know a lot of Muslims don’t bother with and just use water. I said if you aren’t going to use soap you are just splashing poo particles around with water.

DP also has a portable bum washer now but I stick to wet wipes. After several years of this I couldn’t go back to loo roll myself as it just doesn’t feel clean.

I think OP’s main issue (but who knows as she hasn’t returned 🤔) is knowing that her DP is doing a “squeeze n splash” before the jiggy jiggy. It’s not very sexy or much of a turn on to be aroused and ready for sex and your DH to declare he’s dropping the twins at the pool whilst you lie in bed and wait for him to finish.

A huge majority of people know roughly when they are going to have a bowel movement, I don’t understand why if they are TTC that they can’t avoid having sex around the time her DH usually shits?

This is unless he’s one of these mythical creatures I’ve heard about who can shit on command. If that’s the case then I wouldn’t be happy about him factoring having a shit into foreplay 🥴.

We all poo but it’s the last thing I want to be thinking about before sex.
I know some people are different and have a fetish, I’m starting to wonder about the OP who has literally dropped and ran.

Beautifulhaiku · 05/09/2025 05:51

thebabayaga2025 · 05/09/2025 02:57

And yep, I always - without exception - wash my privates and all around there before sex. Always. If we're planning sex that is part of the plan, if it is unplanned I will just get up when foreplay starts and say just going to have a wash, and he does the same. You don't have to shower but you DO have to wash with soap and water - unless you're a grubby maggot of course.

If we're having sex outside and there's nowhere to wash and nobody is putting their mouth down there, fair enough. It's been a few years since that's happened, but yeah that is the only instance I would just go for it without washing first.

Edited

I guess I must be a grubby maggot then. Who’s joining me in the grubby maggot club? 🐛

guestofclanmackenzie · 05/09/2025 05:58

I get it that its offputting. But, if he cleans himself up thoroughly and because you are ttc, you are intending to just have a quickie or just regular sex, then I would be okay with that. I would feel a bit yucky doing oral or anything where my face was around his bottom unless he had a proper shower though.

FieryA · 05/09/2025 05:59

Dontsayyouloveme · 04/09/2025 19:30

Brush? What you brushing….. dare I ask?!

Haha! You think you are so funny. If you are so dumb that you have to ask, then I can't be bothered to answer.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 05/09/2025 06:20

Frenchtoastie · 04/09/2025 22:57

You wash your bum at the sink?😬

Other than showering that is literally what the bathroom is for. Do you never strip wash?

autienotnaughty · 05/09/2025 06:24

If it was a case of your downstairs or something watching tv or similar and he pops to the loo then after you both go to bed I wouldn’t be bothered.
But if you have to use a smelly loo immediately after him , I’d be annoyed he didn’t go earlier. Or if you are literally both getting in bed and you have to lay andwait until he shits to dtd yes that would bother me.

Frenchtoastie · 05/09/2025 06:31

Slightyamusedandsilly · 05/09/2025 06:20

Other than showering that is literally what the bathroom is for. Do you never strip wash?

No I had no idea anyone did this!
I shower once a day, very occasionally twice if needed
I only use my sink to wash my hands and my face

SaidAHipHopTheHippieToTheHippie · 05/09/2025 06:36

What? Why is this a problem?

BigButtons · 05/09/2025 06:49

Frenchtoastie · 05/09/2025 06:31

No I had no idea anyone did this!
I shower once a day, very occasionally twice if needed
I only use my sink to wash my hands and my face

Me too- the sink is for washing my face, hands and brushing my teeth.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 05/09/2025 06:55

Frenchtoastie · 05/09/2025 06:31

No I had no idea anyone did this!
I shower once a day, very occasionally twice if needed
I only use my sink to wash my hands and my face

Never had a quick wash? EVER? Face, arm pits, genitals/bum?

I mean, it isn't as good as a shower but it's better than not.

It's referred to as a 'whore's wash' for obvious reasons.

Frenchtoastie · 05/09/2025 06:58

SaidAHipHopTheHippieToTheHippie · 05/09/2025 06:36

What? Why is this a problem?

I don’t think it’s hygienic if you use the sink to wash your face and brush your teeth.
but logistically I don’t understand, how do you wash your bum at the sink? Surely you must take your full bottom half off to avoid getting items wet, then is this just using hands? And then using the hand towel😬? The floor would be soaking
if you only have your top left on isn’t it surely quicker to get in the shower

Slightyamusedandsilly · 05/09/2025 07:00

Frenchtoastie · 05/09/2025 06:58

I don’t think it’s hygienic if you use the sink to wash your face and brush your teeth.
but logistically I don’t understand, how do you wash your bum at the sink? Surely you must take your full bottom half off to avoid getting items wet, then is this just using hands? And then using the hand towel😬? The floor would be soaking
if you only have your top left on isn’t it surely quicker to get in the shower

Oh come on.

Flannel/wash rag.

Do you not possess bathroom cleaner to wash your sink?

Coconutter24 · 05/09/2025 07:02

DurinsBane · 05/09/2025 03:23

Why?!

Apart from the fact it’s gross because yes we can wipe but it won’t smell fresh, if a female has a poo then has sex there’s an increased chance of a bladder infection, not worth the risk

Slightyamusedandsilly · 05/09/2025 07:03

So in the same thread, we have:

  1. People thinking it ISN'T dirty to have a poo and go straight to bed without washing to have a shag.

  2. People thinking washing in the sink in the bathroom is unhygienic.

We run the gamut here!

fashionqueen0123 · 05/09/2025 07:07

Moulook31 · 05/09/2025 03:44

Same here 😂😂

Same 🤣🤣

Frenchtoastie · 05/09/2025 07:11

Slightyamusedandsilly · 05/09/2025 07:00

Oh come on.

Flannel/wash rag.

Do you not possess bathroom cleaner to wash your sink?

I only have face cloths and then a pouffe in the shower,
yes I have a bathroom cleaner but isn’t it more work to have to clean down the bathroom sink after a bum wash than just getting in the shower?

also still confused about the floor getting wet?

BusWankers · 05/09/2025 07:23

Frenchtoastie · 05/09/2025 07:11

I only have face cloths and then a pouffe in the shower,
yes I have a bathroom cleaner but isn’t it more work to have to clean down the bathroom sink after a bum wash than just getting in the shower?

also still confused about the floor getting wet?

Presumably if you clean the sink after a "bum wash" you clean the shower after a "bum wash" in there?

Frenchtoastie · 05/09/2025 07:35

BusWankers · 05/09/2025 07:23

Presumably if you clean the sink after a "bum wash" you clean the shower after a "bum wash" in there?

It’s a completely different ball game.
its like saying you think it would be normal to wash your bum in the kitchen sink?

Shayisgreat · 05/09/2025 07:40

I just can't believe that wiping isn't enough for some people to feel clean.

It has never occurred to me that I should shower after a poo - even if I'm looking to have sex.

Calliopespa · 05/09/2025 07:45

Slightyamusedandsilly · 05/09/2025 06:20

Other than showering that is literally what the bathroom is for. Do you never strip wash?

I'm not sure that's correct. The handbasin is for hands, teeth, face.

TakeMeDancing · 05/09/2025 07:46

Slightyamusedandsilly · 05/09/2025 07:03

So in the same thread, we have:

  1. People thinking it ISN'T dirty to have a poo and go straight to bed without washing to have a shag.

  2. People thinking washing in the sink in the bathroom is unhygienic.

We run the gamut here!

Yes. We have the Filthy Bastards who don’t shower before sex, the Filthy Bastards who wash with a flannel in the sink before sex, and the Filthy Bastards who spray poo into their eyes with the bum gun.

You people disgust me. The lot of you.

BananaPeels · 05/09/2025 07:47

How on earth has the human race survived this long?

if the germs didn’t get us, the failure to reproduce due to lack of washing should have

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