How much would you expect to spend weekly if your DH earned this?

[Righan]

DH earns around 170k.

I gave up work (well paid also, around 80k) to look after dc. I was used to spending what I wanted when I was working.

i have access to the money, that’s not the issue.

I spend around 250 a week for me a one dc for our activities, getting my hair done (not every week for that but an example), nails, lunch, soft play, farms, zoo, or whatever. Our other expenses like food and petrol are on top of this. We do online shop.

DH can’t understand how I get through this and wants me to rein it in. I think it’s hugely stingy given his income. We are comfortable. AIBU? We only really see him at weekends and part of me feels he should have no say in what we do to get through the week!!

Jeffing hell I've been on Mumsnet for years but I am sick to the back teeth of these "I'm considerably richer than you" posts now.

But it's not at all obvious that it can be afforded. Even assuming they were making no pension contributions, their combined take home pre-DC was £156k, and now it's £101k. But let's say DH has kept up his pension contributions, he'll have significantly less than 100k take home pay to cover mortgage, food, utilities, clothes, phone, car, savings, insurance, holidays etc. for three people. It's tone deaf to demand 13 grand a year for grooming and days out on that budget, particularly if the mortgage reflects their pre-DC combined income, when OP was presumably contributing a share.

Same situation here. My husband earns a lot, but I’m supposed to budget as we were behind poverty line. I had 2 haircuts in 2 years , haven’t done my nails in 3 years. Whatever a man says, the moment you lose financial independence, he starts controlling you.

My dh earns around 150K I work part time and earn about 150-200 per week.
Our dc are older the youngest is going to uni next week which we will help fund but he’ll get a job too.
My money goes on some bills, food and youngest son and that’s it all pretty much gone. Dh funds the rest
However I buy all my clothes on vinted, I dye my own hair and do my own nails, I wouldn’t consistently spend our money like that unnecessarily. I could spend any amount if I wanted to but I try to be mindful of what he has to do to get that money.
Also in the early days when dc were little we had very little money so I probably am used to it.

You understand he pays a fair amount of tax on that?
And hopefully wants to put another decent chunk away in pension and savings /investments (particularly if he is the sole breadwinner)

My OH earns slightly less £155k and also SAHM - I spend about half of that (and I would include weekend children activities in that but not weekend meals out that would be extra)

probably depends where you live though, our mortgage and bills are good chunk of income so if that’s not too high and you are able to save a good amount each month on top of your spending it’s fine

True; it is important to always keep your financial independence.

But to OPs question I agree 250 a week in fun stuff seems excessive,

Maybe she chose to do that. Why should someone compensate you for a choice you make

TBF that does seem like a lot to spend on average a week on just ‘spends’ .
Ultimately his wage is kind of irrelevant, he’s the sole earner of the family income so isn’t being that unreasonable to ask you to cut the spending back a bit, he must work a lot especially as you only really see him at weekends.
I don’t think he’s asking you penny pinch perhaps just to be more mindful, so if you’ve paid for a farm outing for example on a Monday, maybe a trip to the park with a picnic, a soft play visit, beach/woodland visit etc you don’t have to do a paid activity each day.
Ultimately if you’ve don’t like being told what you can spend then you need to go back to work, nursery will be more expensive then £250 as you point out, but you’ll be earning too to add to the family pot/ spend on yourself.
My DH is the main earner here, we could afford for me not to work, however I’ve always worked, I dropped to part time since the children arrived.
When they were small I worked in the evenings when their Dad was home with them, now I work during the school day. Some people think i‘m nuts as my DH would have supported me if I had wanted to stay at home but I would never want to be in a position of being solely reliant on someone else.
It means that I have money of my own to fund things without worrying about someone totting up amounts (which my DH would if I was at home and spending £250 a week on nothing remotely essential 😂)

I don't even think that's a male /female thing. The reality is that money gives you options and therefore power. It's why I would never give up work unless I was independently wealthy. I think the power dynamic can really harm relationships

You spend 1k a month on non essentials and you don't think you are extravagant. I would have thought £100 a week should be ample for fun spending.

I think it is incredibly stingy of him to ask you to curtail your beauty maintenance when he's on such a high salary. You have sacrificed your career and put your life and body at risk by giving birth to and rearing his child with minimal input from him. He is on 170k for goodness sake, the least he can do is pay for your hair and nails every month! A full set of gel nails is around £25 near me and would usually last 2-3 weeks; a haircut with highlights and a blowdry is around £150 and is needed every 6-8 weeks. Many single mums manage to find the funds for manicures, hair extensions, vapes etc, the odd manicure/pedicure/hairdressers appointment should not be out of reach for a husband on 170k with one child.

Does he expect you to sit at home looking dowdy and ungroomed with minimal luxuries while he holds the purse strings? I can just envision him a year down the line having an affair proclaiming the attraction is no longer there, after an extended period of being denied luxuries and beauty treatments.

Imagine being so insecure you think your husband will run off and shag someone else if you don't keep your nails looking perfect

How often do you get your hair done?

My mum used to get her hair done every week (so did everyone in her friend circle).
It was about 1966.

I earn a chunk more than that and we're a family of five, my DH looks after the kids. there's absolutely no way we'd be able to afford to have him spend that. He spends under £100 on that sort of stuff , as we prioritise holiday spending.

wtf? The OP isn't being denied anything. She's spending a fortune and acting like she's on a permanent holiday.

The sad reality is that many men do use their wives/partners letting themselves go as an excuse to shag someone else. Whether it is becoming overweight, aging, being too tired to pay the darlings any attention after having kids or letting grooming fall by the wayside.

I think it’s fine and you gave up work to be with your kids. Money you earned previously would have been spent on this kind of stuff.
for context when I was not working. My DH gave me £200 a week and he earns nowhere near 170k. And that was a few years ago.

Yes, but that's all it is, an excuse.

i don't think men care about nails at all tbh. I doubt they even notice.

Yabu and sound profligate.

Your DH isn't wrong its £50 per day (mon- fri) which is a lot.

You are a 1 income household. You should be making hay while the sun shines.
Unless you have 100k in savings yabvu....

Redundancy is happening to good talented peipke through no dault of their own.
About 50% of the high earners i know (100k - 400k ish) have been made redundant at some point in the last 2-3 yrs.
Lucky ones find something quickly... other unlucky talented people I know have been out of work for 6-12m plus ....

Your lifestyle can very easily come crashing down....

I also agree with @LandSharksAnonymous he works his arse off so you get to build forts, make paper birds and share croissants in nice cafes... but he doesnt get any say in finances because he's working?!?!? Just no

You need to start prioritising savings and amazing family holidays

Over £1k a month on luxuries is excessive in my opinion. I know you say 13k a year out of 170k wage, but is the 170k before or after tax? Also I am guessing if that's his income you probably have high other costs ie
Mortgage, expensive to run and insure car compared to the average person.

I probably spent about £30 a week on classes for my toddler, we ate at home as cheaper and quite frankly easier, we eat out as a whole family at weekends if we are going to eat out.

Hair and nails surely is only every 4 to 8 weeks???? I don't do nails, and I only get my hair trimmed as and when I get time and needed so it's even less than that.

I don't think it would hurt to reign in the spending a bit, there is plenty of cheap or free stuff to do with little ones it doesn't need to be a soft play everyday

It's more like 80k tax 😵! My husband earns about this, and once you factor in marginal tax rates etc we/he pays 48% on every pound he earns, honestly it's absolutely insane and nobody realises the severity of it until they hit those rates.

In response to OP, I am also a SAHM, and I would never think of spending so much, a splurge week every now and again absolutely. Prioritise what is most important to you and then splurge on that ( maybe your hair and nails to feel sane, I've most certainly neglected myself too much over the years) - most kids are just happy going to the park and library and that's totally free. Most library's also offer free classes for kids, mine loved them. - maybe try some out. Alternatively have friends over for a playdate, free and I always found those days the most fun. I totally get your husband wanting you to rein it in, you might be comfortable now but if you keep spending at such rates then you may not have the savings you need to give your kids the education and opportunities you want and the retirement you desire. One day you might wonder where all the money went and I think you'd be pretty pissed if you realised it all went on facials, soft plays and lattes!

@Righancan you share a breakdown of a typical week of spending? Struggle to see how you would easily spend £50 / day every day

Really depends on what your other household expenses are, rather than on his salary.
Maybe you need to go through your budget together and agree on priorities.

If it’s not affecting your saving plans or family budget, why not? God forbid you actually have a great year with your child. I know I’m against the majority here but this is a short period of time, it can be miserable and isolating, so if you can afford it, enjoy! I