DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

[BlondeSpider]

I do not even know where to start because my head is all over the place. Today was supposed to be such a big day for us. DS is 14 and was due to start at a 14 plus college after being out of school for more than a year. He stopped going back just after Christmas in year 8. His mental health had been declining for a while before that and then I found out he had been self harming. His anxiety was through the roof and it got to the point where he just could not manage. CAMHS were no help at all. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall every time I tried to get support. Eventually I deregistered him from school and homeschooled. It has been very up and down but he is bright and when he is calm he is lovely. I paid privately in the end for an autism assessment because waiting for the NHS was going to take years. He now has a diagnosis which in some ways was a relief but also quite overwhelming.

This summer has been really hard. DS has been difficult to live with. He is angry a lot of the time and everything is an argument. His anxiety is still there and when he is stressed it turns into lashing out verbally and sometimes physically. We have had things thrown, doors slammed, endless shouting matches. It has been exhausting, I think it's mostly due to puberty as he's had a growth spurt recently and his voice has dropped

DD is his twin. She has generally managed better with school and life in general but she has been struggling too, especially with his behaviour. She loves him and worries about him and is quite protective over him. She was supposed to be starting year 10 today which is a big year with GCSEs coming up.

This morning they both set out together for the bus stop. DS was nervous but I felt cautiously hopeful. It felt like maybe this was a turning point. But they never went. They did not get on the bus and they were gone most of the day. They ignored my calls and texts and would not say where they were. When they finally came home later on it all kicked off.

DP was furious. He immediately took their phones off them which caused a huge row. DS completely lost it and hit DP on the arm. DP reacted by shoving him back. It was not hard enough to hurt but it was physical and I just feel really uncomfortable about that. Then DP turned on DD and shouted at her for not making sure DS went in and for covering for him. He told her she had let everyone down. She just stood there crying.

I honestly do not know what to think. I understand why DP was so angry because I was too. We have been through hell trying to get DS back into education and today felt like such an important chance. But at the same time I feel like DP handled it badly. DD should not have had all that responsibility put on her and I do not think shouting at her was fair at all. And even though DS hit him first I still do not like that he shoved him back. The atmosphere in the house is awful now and I feel like we are right back at square one.

AIBU to think DP was too heavy handed and made things worse. Or am I just being soft?

Nope its not his sisters job its @BlondeSpider job to get him to school

You both expected someone who’s been out of education for a long time to get on a bus and make their way into a new setting by themselves and are then surprised it went wrong?

My son ended up with not a single exam pass, after being removed from both school and college.

He is working, has been there for over two years, and has been given more and more responsibilities as the months have gone by.
He has a good work ethic, wants to work and do a good job, and save.

His MH will always be an issue and I know it could be the undoing of this job at some point. And it's our involvement and making sure he is ready on time, has clean uniform etc., that has helped to get him to this point.

But it's his MH and his own personal anxieties that hold him back now, not his lack of GCSEs.

Uni is not the only way forward, so stop beating OP with the "what will he do with no exam passes" stick. It's not helpful and from personal experience it's a stick she probably beats herself with, regularly.

The dd thing is unacceptable- she is not responsible for your son. I can understand the disappointment though,, we had the exact same, autistic db, after a few years he got into a college that was perfect for him and after a week they rang to say he hadn’t turned up even though I’d driven him to the bus daily. We were all so upset- it feels like everything is going to be okay and then when it doesn’t happen it’s like your last port of call is drifting away. It’s time for you all to take a deep breath and regroup but take the pressure off your dd , I’m as responsible for db as my parents were and it’s so hard (even though I love him so much and he’s an amazing person)

Just take him to school. You're not working at the moment. And stop expecting your poor daughter to parent on your behalf.

You need to take practical steps or this will only get worse. Let your daughter get to her school via the bus she sounds like her education is on track. Do not put any responsibility of her brother onto her. Take him to his school obviously he’s not mature enough to go himself.

Must be nice to end up in the unenviable position of having a step child with MH and financially support the entire family for 2 years but not be allowed to also manage the children’s behaviour as you are only meant to provide £ and stfu

to be worried sick about said missing child with MH and autism he skips school and then when attempting to discipline the children for lying get physically attacked and push the child off.

but now you are the bully….

i don’t disagree that he’s handled this poorly and shouldn’t have reacted to the physical attack. But considering there’s another post on here of the statistics of women killed in the home by their sons he needs to be taught immediately that he doesn’t get to physically attacked people and the response
will be a hug

they both went about this wrong OP & DP put DD in the position of being his minder. OP should’ve taken DS to school and DP shouldn’t have blamed DD.

their entire family situation is chaos and stress but putting the blame all on DP is unfair

I’m sorry op, but I cannot understand with such an important day, why neither of you took your children to school and saw them in safely and just handed the responsibility to your daughter and let them get the bus. For me, you both bear the responsibility of this, not your daughter, and for me, you both behaved irresponsibly . Once it is his norm and he is comfortable, then the bus is fine, and you don’t need to walk him in either. But the reasoning of I might get a job so this has to be his new norm does not work.

I cannot believe that you or your DP did not take him in for his first day. I’m sorry but laying all that onto your DD was not good.

Yes I have a 14 year old who is ND so struggles with change and was transitioning this year so I do get the struggle. We both work too so it has been an anxious time but there is no way we would put that onto our other children to manage.

As for your DP pushing him back when he behaved aggressively. I firmly agree with that because you simply cannot let physical behaviour in a lad that age and size go unchecked. My DS is the height of my DH. He could really harm me if he tried. But really the problem should have been handled at a much earlier stage, ie by bringing him to school, not when everyone was angry he had not gone and dragged his sister off too.

I have 4 autistic DC. I do understand the starting of routines becoming entry. But, simply, your DS isn't able to cope. I work part-time nightshifts, the equivalent of 2 days per week but rotation of 4 nights on, 10 off. Take home pay is about 1k a month.
This allows me to EHE 1 DC and do school runs for 2 others who could not access transport.

I think DD was put in an awful position I can understand her decision to stay with her twin. She's not his parent, and you can't pass the responsibility onto her.

As for your DPs reaction, no it wasn't ideal when your DS had been set up for failure. I guess the DC knew he'd react that way.

My advice is to rethink your work plans, apply for an EHCP for DS and take him to his college. Maybe post on relationships about leaving your partner to get practical advice on how to make that happen.

What a bunch of apologists. If this man had shoved OP or her daughter, the pitchforks would be out, people would fall over themselves to repeat the phrase “red flags,” etc.

I feel incredibly sorry for both children in this scenario - they have been set up to fail by their mother and now they’re being shouted at and shoved by a man who isn’t even their father. Grim.

Your DD should never have been left in charge of getting her brother to school (and yes, that’s what happened even if you don’t want to admit it). You are the parent - you aren’t working and had no reason not to take your son to school for his first day back in several months.

You know your son is autistic and prone to violence and left a 14 year old girl in charge of getting him to college. That is so unfair that I don’t even know where to begin, to be quite honest.

Your DP’s behaviour is equally grim but seeing as you haven’t stepped up to care for your kids properly, then maybe he’s at the end of his tether with the whole situation.

I don't think OP is being abused. I think he's frustrated at how passive she's being. She quit work and left h being the sole earner then wanted to spend more money on private assessments. I imagine that was pretty stressful financially for him.

A 14 year old young man punched him, he shoved him back. Too right. He's old enough to learn that if you throw your hands about you're going to get one back.

Two teenagers ran off from school and refused to answer their phones. They lose their phones.simple.

OP is trying to be a helpless victim but he hasn't actually done anything to her.

OP you need to take your kid to school. Whatever excuses you're cooking up for yourself and your kids are doing them a disservice. Take your kid to bloody school woman and get a job that starts after drop off. He can get himself home. I know plenty of people that start work at 12.

I feel sorry for DD. Not her responsibility to ensure her brother goes to school

Agree entirely with this, absolving the 14yo of all responsibility is a ridiculous and damaging take. And saying the step dad shouldn't have any involvement when he was probably worried sick too and has to deal with the fall out of this, possibly frustration that their mum seemingly wouldn't have done anything about the situation.

All of this.

On the transport, might you be eligible for home to school transport (taxi) with an ehcp in place?

I'm sorry op, and I recognise the family dynamics. My dh is a bit of a hot head and I've lost count of the times he has, in my opinion, exacerbated problems. We're all learning, him especially (he has adhd which makes it even trickier for him to handle dd's extremes).

I recognise your ds's behaviours too, and myself had to take some time off work a couple of years ago to help dd (then just 6) through her own autistic shutdown and back to school. First day back in our house is always handled really carefully - and even then, things don't always go to plan. Yesterday, for example, I should have insisted 14yo ds got the bus to school but he woke tired and said he'd come with me and dd (now 8) otherwise he'd have to leave the house really early. We'd already discussed that there would likely be a lot of triggers for dd, and that it may be best for him to take the bus, and yet we still underestimated it. She hit ds 3 times for some minor misdemeanor, poor ds ended up in tears, I was then attempting to soothe and reassure ds, whilst also dealing with dd's meltdown due to first day back anxiety. We eventually got in the car, dd having apologised to ds, and ds having been mature beyond his years in accepting it and being a lovely, encouraging big brother to her. Dropped him off first, on time, then realised the road up to dd's school was closed so struggled to park and had to walk further than usual. By the time we got to her classroom, all her classmates were sitting down, cue tears and refusal to go in because she didn't know where to sit, or put her things, what the new classroom rules were etc. Thankfully we have an ehcp in place so the school know all of this about her and she was greeted with "it's ok I'll show you the way and what to do - well done for coping so well on your first day back!" Off she went, came home happy.

Have I learned from this? Yes. Would I approach it differently next time? Absolutely. Even as parents we underestimate the level of support our dc need and can sometimes - for whatever reason - fall into a false sense of security, particularly when things are going well as anxiety has been low/ non existent. But it's learning to anticipate the triggers and doing whatever is necessary to support our dc into school. And sadly yes, sometimes that even means adjusting working pattern/ expectations to accommodate their needs when they are at rock bottom.

In what way?
The op is basically refusing to put the hard work in.
I know its hard work i did with my ds, my parents did it for me, we both have asd and other issues.
Hard lines need to be drawn and going to school is one of them especially when her son has a place at a special school with 1to1 support and only 5 in a class not mainstream, this is as good as it gets.
Op is not the victim here she's the problem.
So perhaps you should get over yourself

exactly.

everyone’s saying the DD didn’t do wrong, but she did. She skipped her first day of school. That’ll set her back, especially in her first GCSE year!

OP, having now read your updates, my honest opinion is that you are trying your best to support a son with many vulnerabilities, but your (D?)P is a bell end who has no understanding of MH issues or any desire to learn. From your updates DP sounds like he is a fundamental part of the problem, but I understand you need a plan to leave him.

I can understand his attitude about "his" money as you are not working, but that doesn't mean I agree with him, but it clearly does show he is not invested in the whole family unit.

What does DS think about DP?

You do have my sympathies, I was in a similar situation with my DS (and still am to a lesser degree, self harm etc), but I had a supportive DH. He was often out of his depth and did or said the wrong thing at times, we both did, but we were united in wanting to do the best for DS and wanting to learn and not make the mistakes.

DS needed - and still needs - music to self-sooth.

There’s a detail in one of OP’s posts that no one seems to have picked up on. OP said she can’t afford not to work because she’s trying to get the funds together to leave her DP. So there’s clearly a wider problem.

His attitude to DS alone is a waving red flag because he clearly doesn't seem to understand autism or the significant MH problems DS has. That may be the root of the problem. You seem to be supporting DP here when it’s clear that OP had little choice but to do what she did to support her son. It’s not ideal, but she is the parent here, not DP, and it sounds as though he doesn’t have the skills necessary to deal with autism or the will to learn, so maybe for all their sakes the sooner OP can leave, the better.

Just realised he has an EHCP. Is it an EHE EHCP? As I know EHE children can access 14+ college through regular funding. Have you requested home/school transport? You could try for solo taxi, due to his needs if he can't cope with the bus. Or a fuel allowance to cover your costs.

I feel like DP has made it worse, yes it's not ok for DS to have hit but doing it back isn't going to teach him anything?

Hopefully it will teach him not to lash out at people physically because the likely response in many cases will be a lot more severe than his stepdad shoving him.

I think it was fine that your partner shouted at your daughter. She skipped school too, didn't she?

I agree with other posters that it shouldn't have been HER responsibility to escort/emotionally support your son to school. You as his parents haven't managed to get him there for over a year so it's far too much to put on a 14 year old.

But your subsequent posts reveal the relationship between you and your partner is over so there really isn't much point posters weighing in on how they think you might improve the relationship between your partner and kids since the plan is to leave him in any case.

Is there anywhere you can go? Because it seems as if you are trapped by your DS anxiety which must in part be caused by your DP

Why is it your dp's decision to take away anyone's phone if he isn't their parent? That's inappropriate. You can decide to give the phones back.

It's completely unfair to make your dd feel responsible for her brother. I think an adult needs to go to the bus stop with them to avoid the situation coming up again, as I can see it's too much to expect your dd to get on her bus while worried about her brother. Tbh if they are going to behave like little kids, then they obviously need that level of supervision.

With a school refuser, I'd take them to school and cross the hurdle of needing to get the bus later when they feel more settled at school.

Sorry but ds physically assaulting is not acceptable. At all. Let alone hurting a parent. That’s just a whole new level of disrespect!
I think it was important your husband shoved him back gently because
a. Creating physical distance between the two/self defence
b. There has to be a response, otherwise he will get worse. If there’s no response from dad, imagine being next
c. He’s the dad, he needs to step up and show what’s acceptable