DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

[BlondeSpider]

I do not even know where to start because my head is all over the place. Today was supposed to be such a big day for us. DS is 14 and was due to start at a 14 plus college after being out of school for more than a year. He stopped going back just after Christmas in year 8. His mental health had been declining for a while before that and then I found out he had been self harming. His anxiety was through the roof and it got to the point where he just could not manage. CAMHS were no help at all. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall every time I tried to get support. Eventually I deregistered him from school and homeschooled. It has been very up and down but he is bright and when he is calm he is lovely. I paid privately in the end for an autism assessment because waiting for the NHS was going to take years. He now has a diagnosis which in some ways was a relief but also quite overwhelming.

This summer has been really hard. DS has been difficult to live with. He is angry a lot of the time and everything is an argument. His anxiety is still there and when he is stressed it turns into lashing out verbally and sometimes physically. We have had things thrown, doors slammed, endless shouting matches. It has been exhausting, I think it's mostly due to puberty as he's had a growth spurt recently and his voice has dropped

DD is his twin. She has generally managed better with school and life in general but she has been struggling too, especially with his behaviour. She loves him and worries about him and is quite protective over him. She was supposed to be starting year 10 today which is a big year with GCSEs coming up.

This morning they both set out together for the bus stop. DS was nervous but I felt cautiously hopeful. It felt like maybe this was a turning point. But they never went. They did not get on the bus and they were gone most of the day. They ignored my calls and texts and would not say where they were. When they finally came home later on it all kicked off.

DP was furious. He immediately took their phones off them which caused a huge row. DS completely lost it and hit DP on the arm. DP reacted by shoving him back. It was not hard enough to hurt but it was physical and I just feel really uncomfortable about that. Then DP turned on DD and shouted at her for not making sure DS went in and for covering for him. He told her she had let everyone down. She just stood there crying.

I honestly do not know what to think. I understand why DP was so angry because I was too. We have been through hell trying to get DS back into education and today felt like such an important chance. But at the same time I feel like DP handled it badly. DD should not have had all that responsibility put on her and I do not think shouting at her was fair at all. And even though DS hit him first I still do not like that he shoved him back. The atmosphere in the house is awful now and I feel like we are right back at square one.

AIBU to think DP was too heavy handed and made things worse. Or am I just being soft?

I am so sorry OP.
It sounds hard because it is hard.
And it would and will continue to be hard.
There are three issues here:

1. The frustration, aggression and lack of understanding from your DP, who is not their biological parent.
2. The sacrificing of yourself and your own needs, including financial and work, being forced to home educate.
3. The pressure on your daughter to help, support and - sorry but on this occasion - co-parent her sibling.

My daughter also goes to a separate school from her brother. This is deliberate on my part. She cannot feel responsible for him. It's just not fair on her.

I have accepted that working from home is not compatible with home ed and that any job I do, sadly has to work around my kids and the school run.

To that end, either you look for work that allows a regular shift after drop-off/before pick up: a care home local to the school?
Or you find a job at your son's provision. Office admin? Cleaner? Lunchtime organiser? LSA? Pastoral support worker?

Even then, it's not without its problems but hopefully your employer will be sympathetic to your situation/reward loyalty/allow some quid pro quo.

The only other solution would be night shift work allowing you to do the drop-off and sleep in the day before pick-up then dinner then shift again, but you'll be run ragged and it means your "D"P has to be there at least overnight for your kids.

You aren't alone but the stark truth is, that there is little support for those of us in this situation.
I understand your partner's position and resentment to a degree ( I find parenting mine hard and I love them unconditionally) but he needs to realise that school refusal isn't chosen in the majority of cases, and certainly not chosen by the mothers picking up the pieces.

Good luck to you
Yesterday would have been timetables issued, expectations and not necessarily on timetable, so it is not too late to get them both in now.
I'd send DD on the bus now and take your son in today/see the SENDCO this morning.

God bless and take care xx 💕

Exactly. Why didn’t a parent travel with them the first day to new college? There’s more going on here, I suspect.

i work somewhere like this and with all due respect, you can’t expect an autistic school refuser to make a fresh start and get the bus independently on day one. I understand you want to go back to work, but kids like this need to create a sense of safety around each and every new step. First college, dropped at the door and welcomed by his key worker. College in little bits as you describe. Then maybe walking in from the street. Then maybe practise taking the bus but not going to college. One of the young people I work with has, after two years at our setting, just started getting the bus in with her dad (it’s been dropping her to the door by parents since she started, and if they couldn’t, she didn’t attend). We will see how she progresses and what impact that journey has on her day at college.

I feel you should be eligible for more help financially, as your son will need so much more support from you, but I get that it will be like blood from a stone getting that help. On that side I can’t suggest anything unfortunately, except bits and pieces of work which may fit around times when you can leave the house (your dp or dd are also at home).

One day your DS is going to hit someone and get punched in the face for it. He’s 14, not 4.

I think they should have been perhaps driven in on their first few days, given the circumstances. Once they’d had a few days settled in, then start the bus routine.

Set them up to succeed as much as possible.

Sure, but you could have got on the bus with him the first day to make sure he got there? And given you say you are returning to work, what happens now - is he going to be home educated? By whom if you and your husband work?

Exactly.

The only way you’ll know they’re in is by taking them.

You don’t have a world where they can go on the bus.

So, if I’m getting this right: you aren’t taking him in because in the future you plan to go back to work (but don’t have anything lined up yet) and do t want DS to get used to you taking him? And if you do take him you won’t be able to work? And DP will be cross with you and say you’re lazy?

And DS, as he is, after a year off school, was supposed to get off at a stop on his own and go into his first day back?

And responsibility for getting him there was DD’s?

@BlondeSpider please just look at those facts.

That plan was never going to work.

There is NOTHING more important than your kids going to school.
You MUST get DD in today.
You SHOULD also get DS in.

YOU must get the kids ready calmly, take them in, walk DS in.

Every day.
And pick them up.

And only when DS is thoroughly back into the routine can you even think of maybe him coming back in a bus. But morning drop off you must do, to be sure he’s in there.

You said there’s ’no way’ he’s going in today. WHY? It should be the opposite. That he’s going in come hell or high water.

As for DP, he’s lost it but tbf I can see why. I’m so sorry @BlondeSpider but I think you really need to be calm, clear and simple here. Everyone looks to you to be the leader as you’re their mum and DP is a step parent.

But you aren’t leading at the moment.

You need to.

You need to change your stance on work.
Work around your essential commitment to the kids.

My advice for a plan would be:

To the kids -
Right, kids. Yesterday was a dog’s breakfast.
I’m so sorry.
The bus was a mistake. It clearly won’t work.
So I’m taking you every day and we are in today.

(otherwise what - you’re all going to have a lie in and mope about in an awful atmosphere with kids missing another important day, snd having no phones? 🤦🏼‍♀️)

And I’m getting your phones back but you’ll get them when you’re in the car on the way to school.

To DP -
I’m sorry.
That was a disaster and it’s my fault for not realising how important it is I take them in.
I’m going to own this now.
I’m in charge, they’re my kids.
They're getting their phones back on the way to school.
I’ll work around that commitment to school drop off and pick up.

I’m sorry for my part in creating such a situation of tension.
We can’t have him getting physical and you reacting.
Once I’ve got him going to school, you need a quiet chat with him and to apologise.
He needs to feel secure and understood.

That’s it @BlondeSpider
And you need to stick to that religiously.

Your job is being that leader. Do it.

I'm going to go against the grain here OP from what you put in your original post- your DS has had issues for almost 2 years. Your partner has supported the whole family financially and quite possibly emotionally as well, you don't mention what his input has been prior-but he has paid for DS to have a private autism assessment, which has enabled DS to access support he would otherwise not have.
The behaviour of DS was not isolated to this one day-you stated in your OP this has been going on all summer.
I stand by what I said up thread about boundaries, but regarding DP- your 14 year old who you acknowledge has been physically aggressive over the whole summer at points and has also had a growth spurt hit out first and was shoved back by DP. It is a horrible scene to think about and no one wants to be in this position-what would you have had DP do instead? Because there is a point where its no longer a parenting decision but a reaction to a physical assault of one person on another. He pushed him away in your own words not enough to hurt.

As unpalatable a scene as it is, you cannot expect your DP to put up with being assaulted by your teenage son and do nothing, when you are completely unprepared to parent that behaviour with a consequence.

I suspect there might be a further drip feed here; but based on what you have said, your DP who has financially supported you all in some measure since the children were 6 is at the end of their tether and has made an attempt to lay down a boundary by-reasonably imo-confiscating phones.

I would be very careful that the stress of the whole situation is not transfered into the blame game and all laid at the feet of DP. You are a family in crisis and need support. Blaming will not help at all.

I hope things are calmer this morning for you OP and now the dust has settled, I hope for all your sakes you take the advice given by several people to sit down and agree mutual expectations, boundaries and consequences for both children. They need you to do this.

I do feel for you, as I mentioned, I have been there, and I also know how easy it is to blame the other parent (DH is DS' biological father and we have disagreed many many times on how to address various issues) but in reality you have to work together here as a united front with them-good cop, bad cop is a terrible parenting method.

I agree with pps too about contacting college to see how they can support-and also re focusing DD to concentrate on her schooling too in her GCSE years.

This all the way. You or your DP, or both of you, should have taken the morning off and taken both kids to their respective schools. This was too much pressure, and too much responsibility to put on your daughter.

Your DP handled it badly but you’re also way too soft on them.

I do think DS getting the bus was setting him up to fail.

And I feel very sorry for DD who was essentially given the responsibility of getting him to the bus stop and college and then told off - she’s not his parent and yet she’s expected to do more parenting than your or DP - no wonder she’s anxious and struggling with her MH.

I would also not have a man, especially someone who is not their biological parent, overrule me in my own home.

Sit down with DP and tell him that you will be giving the phones back and you think to keep a united front, it should be him giving them back to them.

When giving them back, there needs to be a plan moving forward.

DD needs the responsibility dropped from her straight away.
She is in no way responsible for anything that DS does.

Then DS needs to be taken to school by one of you or even pay for a taxi.
Being expected to return to school/college and all the anxiety that goes with that, plus the stress of the bus is way too much to handle.

You seem to let your kids and DP walk all over you and the result is unequal parenting and 2 anxious teens struggling with their MH.
You also seem a bit anxious and struggling.

Have a think what you want and make a plan going forward - you are the parent here and what you says goes.

What support does your daughter get for being a Young Carer and made responsible for her brother's attendance and safety?

Or have you not told the school that this is a responsibility you've given her?

The colleges set up sounds good for him, I think you need to get him there. I understand that means you can't work but i think college will be better for him than home schooling, and you can't work then either. Maybe when he's settled at college you'll find you can work. It's better for him because he'll be in a proper setting and mixing with others, I think.

What a situation. Feel for you. Do identify with pp saying trying to negotiate in the middle of a melt down is like trying to deal with a wasps nest.

Regardless of diagnosis, teen boys do generally have a phase of - idk how to describe it - irrational opposition fueled by testosterone and not always the brain working on full power. You have got to give them a firm, but endlessly encouraging, steer. Your son must be bored stiff and lonely not mixing with kids his age - take him to school yourself, you are not back to work yet.

Make it your mission just to encourage and champion him to embrace as much of real life as possible - I bet he really wants to, he is just scared (and no wonder, returning to school after so many years must be incredibly daunting!) Support, support, support. Let him know you are in his corner.

Give him back the phone, he has got the message now. Things happen in the heat of the moment, not ideal, but you all need to move on and focus on the main goal - support him back to school.

(Not your daughter's responsibility, let her focus on herself)

You need to end your relationship, so your DP can enjoy his life rather than having to support you and your children.
You need to start parenting, instead of excusing your sons behaviour.

How convenient he needs his phone. He doesn’t need his phone and it’s good that the twins lost their phones as punishment for skipping school. They’re teens and not toddlers so you need to be harder on them. I’m surprised your DP hasn’t already left. If your DS is like this in his early teens then it’s scary to think about what he’ll be like when he’s in his late teens and older.

I would push away a 14yo who is hitting me, to be honest.
Re phone punishment, what other consequence would you suggest? Maybe you could give your DD her phone back but only for school travel, and your DS also but only for listening to music - but they need a consequence, what they did is really bad.
Re your DD, no she isn’t in charge of her brother but decided to also skip a day of school is not on! Why didn’t she call you when her brother didn’t board the bus?

I feel terribly sorry for your DD. It’s is your and your husband’s job to support your son in going to school, not hers.

I would keep him home until he's mentally stronger.

Quite. OP and lots of posters paint him like an awful/abusive man, but really he has been funding OP and her two children for years, she is not working, and now she wants to leave but not until she has money aside (no issue continuing spending his money in the meantime. I honestly feel bad for him.

I wonder how much less anxious your DS would be without a grown man who isn't his dad and has no parental responsibility for him screaming in his face and shoving him. I have an anxious DC who has also been through CAMHs and I know any shouting would trigger a meltdown.

You need to reassess your DP living with you, frankly.

I also agree with others that you should not be dumping the responsibility of him getting to school on your poor DD's shoulders.

You've said that you can't afford the rent without dp, but just wondered whether you've checked what you'd be entitled to as a single parent family?

Gingerbread and EntitledTo are great for online info, or you could pay a visit to your local CAB.

Then you need to change that routine ASAP. An MP3 with headphones is perfectly fine.

All you are doing is making excuses for why you won't parent your child and its an absolute joke. You are destroying that poor boys life because you cant be bothered to parent him and instead want to excuse and pander to his behaviour. You need ser appropriate boundaries which include going to school and no smart phone. No ifs buts or maybes.
Grow a backbone and learn to parent an asd teen

I am the mum of an autistic kid and a neurotypical kid and I’m here to tell you you must do better for your DD. This is a year 10. She must NOT feel responsible for your DS. This needs to be taken off her shoulders right now. That’s why she didn’t go to school - she was being a carer.

Your DP needs to apologise for the “letting everyone down” comment. This is not her job. Talk to her about what you expect if he school refuses at the bus stop. She should get on the bus and call you. If that’s not acceptable to you, you need to have someone nearby until he is on the bus.

How are you going to create a calm atmosphere for her to do her homework / revision? Can DS have an activity which takes him out of the house if he is a big presence in the house? GCSEs are so stressful and you don’t need me to tell you how stressful parenting a school refuser is. But being the sibling to a kid with additional needs is also stressful and shouldn’t be overlooked.

YABU.

Your son was the violent one. Your daughter was wrong.

I’m with DP on this one. They can’t just skip school with no communication and expect everyone to be fine about it.