DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

[BlondeSpider]

I do not even know where to start because my head is all over the place. Today was supposed to be such a big day for us. DS is 14 and was due to start at a 14 plus college after being out of school for more than a year. He stopped going back just after Christmas in year 8. His mental health had been declining for a while before that and then I found out he had been self harming. His anxiety was through the roof and it got to the point where he just could not manage. CAMHS were no help at all. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall every time I tried to get support. Eventually I deregistered him from school and homeschooled. It has been very up and down but he is bright and when he is calm he is lovely. I paid privately in the end for an autism assessment because waiting for the NHS was going to take years. He now has a diagnosis which in some ways was a relief but also quite overwhelming.

This summer has been really hard. DS has been difficult to live with. He is angry a lot of the time and everything is an argument. His anxiety is still there and when he is stressed it turns into lashing out verbally and sometimes physically. We have had things thrown, doors slammed, endless shouting matches. It has been exhausting, I think it's mostly due to puberty as he's had a growth spurt recently and his voice has dropped

DD is his twin. She has generally managed better with school and life in general but she has been struggling too, especially with his behaviour. She loves him and worries about him and is quite protective over him. She was supposed to be starting year 10 today which is a big year with GCSEs coming up.

This morning they both set out together for the bus stop. DS was nervous but I felt cautiously hopeful. It felt like maybe this was a turning point. But they never went. They did not get on the bus and they were gone most of the day. They ignored my calls and texts and would not say where they were. When they finally came home later on it all kicked off.

DP was furious. He immediately took their phones off them which caused a huge row. DS completely lost it and hit DP on the arm. DP reacted by shoving him back. It was not hard enough to hurt but it was physical and I just feel really uncomfortable about that. Then DP turned on DD and shouted at her for not making sure DS went in and for covering for him. He told her she had let everyone down. She just stood there crying.

I honestly do not know what to think. I understand why DP was so angry because I was too. We have been through hell trying to get DS back into education and today felt like such an important chance. But at the same time I feel like DP handled it badly. DD should not have had all that responsibility put on her and I do not think shouting at her was fair at all. And even though DS hit him first I still do not like that he shoved him back. The atmosphere in the house is awful now and I feel like we are right back at square one.

AIBU to think DP was too heavy handed and made things worse. Or am I just being soft?

Yes dp was out of line. Ds is struggling and needs support. Dd shouldn’t have had that responsibility

she could have tried her hardest to get him in or left him for the day but she chose to support him to make sure he was ok.

Your DH was in the wrong. Its understandable there was lots of expectations for this day and that the children should have had more support.

ND teens parent here.
No they shouldn't bloody have their phones. They disappeared for a day, you couldnt contact them. Mine wouldnt be seeing their phone for a month

The only thing dp did wrong was blame dd for ds. He was justified in everything else.

If your worried about dd and no phone get her a cheap Nokia
Same for ds, get him a device where he can only play music

They need consequences not mollycoddling

The OAP didn't know the kids wouldn't go to school so can everyone just put their magical hindsight away

Jesus Christ OP this is horrific, you really need to get these poor kids out of there. That has to be your priority now, there isn't time for you to make sure they're settled at school, find a job and save up money - you need to find a way to leave now.

If you have a young person that struggles to attend school and has been out of education for some time, has mental health difficulties, autism and generally doesn’t cope well, it’s not rocket science to envisage a shit show on the first day in a new setting, public transport and a 14 year old sibling as the parent.

Given he's not been to school for more than a year it was highly likely he wouldn't just hop on a bus and toddle in to a brand new school environment. It wasn't DDs responsibility to get him there, but she also bunked off school, she has a phone and should have just called you and said he won't get on the bus, you could've dealt with him and she could've gone to school. You don't seem to have any consequences, your daughter isn't ND but she still skipped a whole day of school and didn't tell anyone. Losing her phone for the day seems perfectly reasonable. As for your son I think you've set him up to fail frankly, expecting him to do this by himself after such a long absence from formal education.
Your DP was wrong to react the way he did but his points aren't wrong, the way he communicated them was. He must be so frustrated and you don't support the same message. Given that he isn't their father but is financially supporting you all, he does get to have feelings about the situation.

You need to drive them there and see them in.

But why couldn't she just call or text her mum? She may have been a little late to school if she got the next bus or OP could've driven her and dealt with the son . It's the fact they both disappeared for the day and didn't tell anyone

Her son has a history of school refusal. He has been challenging all summer. He hasn’t been to school for a year. It was completely 100% predictable that he wasn’t going to all of a sudden take a bus journey,get off at the right stop, walk to his new college and go in and find the correct place to be.

Her poor daughter left shouldering the responsibility and missing her own first day.
It is incomprehensible to me that the OPs logic for not bothering her arse to support her son to get to school ( after a whole year of home schooling, in context of ASD and self harm) is that she might, at some point in the future, get a job and that she already knows that her working hours in this hypothetical job won’t allow her to do drop-off.

reading between the lines on this post, I think OP is under coercive control, I’d bet anything her motherly instinct would be to take her son to school on his first day but the mantra that he will have to get used to going on the bus once she starts work is learned from her abusive partner. He needs to leave this family unit as he is toxic. The kids deserve more.
OP - look up coercive control, it’s a crime, call Women’s Aid for guidance and support, get a restraining order and a Ring doorbell so you can keep the family home and he can’t come back. The landlord will be paid by the council. Don’t get a job yet, your kids need you around to pick up the pieces and help them heal. Get this man out of your lives. Support your son in going back into school on his terms, low demand at home, he must be exhausted from masking and having his autonomy taken away by a bully he’s not even related to. Get that man out of your house and let your kids heal. Sending you strength to get through this. In a few months you’ll be out the other side. Please don’t wait to get a job to leave him, you’re only kicking the can down the road, and you’re better off asking for help with no job as you’ve been home schooling your disabled child. The council will prioritise you. Your landlord may have to wait for a rental payment. They can’t kick you out. I know this as I’m a landlord and it’s impossible to get tenants in need evicted, and I promise you are in need. Don’t leave your family home unless you want to. Talk to Women’s Aid first. Wishing you so much luck and sending you so much strength. I’m also mum to an ASD and high anxiety child and I know how distressing it is, you need time to heal too, you’ve been holding everything together for so long. ♥️

Her son is violent, has a long history of school refusal, as well as an autism diagnosis. You don’t need “magical hindsight” to know that he shouldn’t be left in the care of his 14yo sister on his first day back in education for months 🙄

It's very odd to be willing to take teenager out of school and teach him at home every day but not drive him there? What's wrong with doing a school run? Plenty of parents drive older children every day if they don't happen to have a bus connection (in many countries school buses don't exist).

I support the confiscating of phones for the behaviour of both skipping school and I have a child with ASD and one with anxiety who did not attend in yr 11.
I also do not understand your logic on not driving your son into school especially as you do not work.You are worried he will expect it everyday when it is more likely he will feel supported and use lifts until he feels settled and has made friends/ support in college. He really needs you to take him right now and your DD needs an apology for being given your responsibility on her 1st day back at school.
Your partner should not have pushed back but honestly you need to stop being passive. I can see how he did this .One day in and you have given up and decided they won't make it back into school. Step up, drive him in and if he won't go drive in yourself and talk to the college about how you can all help him get in.

Your son will have been ruminating all summer about going to the college. It's unbelievable that the college doesn't realise this will happen.

Essentially things that seem small to everyone will escalate and grow until it's irrational. At the moment your son needs your help to transition to the college and then he will need help to transition to going independently. You need to take it in small steps rather than attempting to put all the pressure on him. The pressure coming from your partner isn't helping matter but at the moment you're officially your sons carer so care for him in times scales he needs.

Essentially you've both just thrown him out the door to do something that would be so overwhelming that it's hardly surprising it didn't work out.

Your daughter shouldn't be punished as she was also put in a difficult position

I've lost count of the number and times someone has just said to me you'll just have to learn or just try harder as if it's that easy.

Have you watched Chris Packham's documentary on autism? It helpful as it shows things from the autistic perspective.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m001jgbw/inside-our-minds-inside-our-autistic-minds-episode-2?seriesId=unsliced

Just read your updates. Only advice I have is to focus on your DD for now. Make sure she goes to school as normal. Give her your mobile number on a piece of paper. Someone else will have a phone if she needs it. With regards your ds, this has set you back (but it would probably have happened at so.e point anyway)and it looks like going back to work may not be possible in near future unless it's pt from home. When the dust settles, start taking him on the bus or car or look into taxi if he has ehcp. I get what you're saying about the routine, but I can't see how your original plan is going to work.

Could you take your son to the GP, maybe he needs to be medicated for his anxiety? Could a psychologist help him? I don’t think your partner understands autism.. my friends kids who have autism struggle with anxiety too. Some of them have ADHD and autism.

I can see why your partner has had enough to be fair. He's been bankrolling 4 people for over a year now. A summer of your son doing what he likes and behaving badly in the process. DP was probably hoping it was a start of things getting back on track but instead it's more of the same. I can see why he's taking the phones as they are not doing what they are meant to do I.e. go to school so why reward it. Plus it's more dossing around and their phones shouldn't enable that. As others have said your son needs to learn to be less reliant on his phone, he can't just constantly use it at school or work. DP should not have shoved DS but then again DS shouldn't have hit him and it sounds like DS needs a taste of the real world (he can't just go around hitting people). DP also shouldn't have put the responsibility on DD -why is it her responsibility?! Plus how could she make him anyway?

One more thing I would say of the autistic kids I know is that media and phones and distraction is a major coping mechanism for them.

I can understand why you didn’t go with him today. However I would have followed them from a safe distance to make sure they did get on the bus.

Fully understand about school refusing.

I think without your partner this could have been handled much better
Instead of flying off the handle you on your own could have found out what the problem was and worked on that

Is your partner stupid? Doesn’t he understand that diagnosing someone doesn’t mean all the things that are going on, still go on. Does he think if you get diagnosed with a broken spine that once diagnosed you just carry on as normal and muddle through or if you get diagnosed with type 1 diabetes that the diabetes suddenly becomes less important and you can eat anything and you will somehow be ok?

The diagnosis of Autism means his response to anything has to be measured and quiet rather than. Dp’s DS has a diagnosis of autism so now we know what’s wrong I can treat him like a NT child and shout and am going to get results

I would be telling your dp he shouted because he deep down wanted you to stay home and “do nothing”
Ds is now going to stay home and be home schooled like he wants
And as this is what he wants then he needs to takeover and do his share of everything else.

He also needs to give their phones back. They are yours and if he doesn’t I would involve the police.

Unfortunately I do believe your dp’s response has cancelled every prospect to your don attending school. The damage your dp has done is immeasurable

Is there anyway you can leave or your dp can leave. If you claimed HB and UC. Could you afford to keep the house?
Have you looked at Entitled to website and without your dp there could you manage.

Where is your dc’s father. Does he pay CM.

Your dd did exactly what a sister should have done and should have been praised not berated and punished.

You dp needs to leave if he thinks he can give a NT response to a ASD problem

Me too. I feel He is being used

And it's not a good one.

I wouldn't be yelling or taking his phone. We tried the firm but fair approach with DD2 and being strict, but this was entirely counterproductive. Compassion and seeing things from their perspective are key. DD shouldn't have been told off at all.

EBSA and autism is very, very difficult to manage. DD2 just wanted to be normal and go to school with her friends, but couldn't manage it for any length of time. Secondary school was too much and she would keep trying but crash and burn.

He has missed a lot of school and will need support to get him to college, and it still may not be the right setting for him. Contact the college and see what they can do.

OP, I'd recommend following Dr Naomi Fisher on Facebook and joining the group Not Fine in School if you aren't on there already.

And avoid AIBU, because most posters love to pontificate without having a clue what you or DS are going through.

Reading between the lines, the two children probably had a tough childhood and now the effects of that are catching up. OP was presumably a single mum to twins for a number of years up until the age of 6. No mention if they still have contact or financial support from the biological father. The current partner sounds bit like a twat but nothing suggests he was or is abusive. He didn't enter the relationship with the expectation that he would end up being the stepfather of an autistic son with extremely high support needs. To be honest, it sounds like the partner has one foot out the door already because he seems sick of dealing with the situation. The first day was the last straw.

As many have said, all this could have been avoided if they twins were taken to school personally. Speaking to the teacher after a prolonged absence also makes perfect sense. Or the very least helping a child settle into a new environment and new class.

This, basically.

I know he’s ND but that’s not an excuse for violence.

DD should not have been blamed.

You need to leave the partner.