DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

[BlondeSpider]

I do not even know where to start because my head is all over the place. Today was supposed to be such a big day for us. DS is 14 and was due to start at a 14 plus college after being out of school for more than a year. He stopped going back just after Christmas in year 8. His mental health had been declining for a while before that and then I found out he had been self harming. His anxiety was through the roof and it got to the point where he just could not manage. CAMHS were no help at all. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall every time I tried to get support. Eventually I deregistered him from school and homeschooled. It has been very up and down but he is bright and when he is calm he is lovely. I paid privately in the end for an autism assessment because waiting for the NHS was going to take years. He now has a diagnosis which in some ways was a relief but also quite overwhelming.

This summer has been really hard. DS has been difficult to live with. He is angry a lot of the time and everything is an argument. His anxiety is still there and when he is stressed it turns into lashing out verbally and sometimes physically. We have had things thrown, doors slammed, endless shouting matches. It has been exhausting, I think it's mostly due to puberty as he's had a growth spurt recently and his voice has dropped

DD is his twin. She has generally managed better with school and life in general but she has been struggling too, especially with his behaviour. She loves him and worries about him and is quite protective over him. She was supposed to be starting year 10 today which is a big year with GCSEs coming up.

This morning they both set out together for the bus stop. DS was nervous but I felt cautiously hopeful. It felt like maybe this was a turning point. But they never went. They did not get on the bus and they were gone most of the day. They ignored my calls and texts and would not say where they were. When they finally came home later on it all kicked off.

DP was furious. He immediately took their phones off them which caused a huge row. DS completely lost it and hit DP on the arm. DP reacted by shoving him back. It was not hard enough to hurt but it was physical and I just feel really uncomfortable about that. Then DP turned on DD and shouted at her for not making sure DS went in and for covering for him. He told her she had let everyone down. She just stood there crying.

I honestly do not know what to think. I understand why DP was so angry because I was too. We have been through hell trying to get DS back into education and today felt like such an important chance. But at the same time I feel like DP handled it badly. DD should not have had all that responsibility put on her and I do not think shouting at her was fair at all. And even though DS hit him first I still do not like that he shoved him back. The atmosphere in the house is awful now and I feel like we are right back at square one.

AIBU to think DP was too heavy handed and made things worse. Or am I just being soft?

You really need to leave as soon as possible.
Your 'DP' is neither of those things and is clearly completely ignorant as to ND needs,which is inexcusable after this long in their lives.
Do whatever you need to asap

OP still hasn't said whether her son got anxiety medication and if it helped.
That surely is the point of seeking a diagnosis, to help him cope.

I'm not using him financially. Yes, he paid for the autism assessment but apart from that he gives me £50 a week for food which doesn't last and that's it. He regularly sees friends, I don't remember the last time I saw mine. There's a lot that you don't know.

And posters calling me a bad mum, how? I quit my job and put DS first then tried to get him into this college (it's not a specialist school, it's a mainstream college with a 14+ course and he'll have a 1:1 as per his EHCP) and yes loads of you have said I shouldve gone on the bus and I realise that. I can't go back and he's now going to associate this with college and add more anxiety so he's unlikely go to, bus or car. He's still hiding under his duvet, refusing to talk or eat anything.
The only thing he uses his phone for is music, he has no social media or anything so he really isn't addicted. Music helps him to soothe. He won't use an MP3 player or my phone because it's not right, it has to be his with his playlists. DP has taken them to work and I'm going to worry about going and picking DD up from school and leaving DS as he's unlikely to come with me given how he is at the moment. It's just set him back massively.

You say that you cant drive him because he'll expect it and you want to go back to work at some point. However, if he won't go in on the bus you'll have to homeschool and won't be able to work anyway! It sounds like you have found a great school for him with 1:1 support, something that will be very beneficial for him. You need to drive him in and accept that is what is needed at the moment. Get him settled then reassess. There are many jobs for instance where you can start later to accommodate a school drop off.
Re the argument you need to talk to your DP about his temper and how best to approach these situations. My dd is ND so I understand the frustrations but shouting makes it ten times worse, as do punishments that work for NT children such as taking phones off them. Taking a phone from a ND child with anxiety that uses the phone to self soothe with music is a terrible idea after what must have been an incredibly stressful day for him. Blaming your dd wasn't fair but I'd have a quiet word with her to let her know that in future she needs to tell you when things go wrong so you can help and make sure their safe. Sorry you're having such a hard time. I can relate. I had to drive my AuDHD dd into school from years 7-9 and there were often tears and tantrums and calls from school becauseshe wasnt coping, so I have some idea of what you're going through.

Exactly this. Honestly bizarre saying you can’t drive in every day when the alternative is home ed which will require ALL your time. It sounds like chaos, frankly. And can’t you listen to music with an iPod? Why does it have to be a phone?

If your DD gets the bus why are you collecting her. Honestly no one is calling you a bad parent but it was obvious with DS history the first day was unlikely to go to plan with you expecting him to start someplace brand new and negotiate transport, you need to now contact college to work with them with a real plan for tomorrow.

op your instincts about your partner are correct. At the very least I would be letting my son know this is how you feel so he doesn’t feel quite so alone.
you need support to help you navigate adolescence, autism, the education situation, your boys mental health and the home situation with your partner who is really not helping, plus your finances. It’s a LOT, so I’m sending you the biggest squeeze, it’s going to be alright and you will be able to cope with all of this.
You’re going to be getting a lot of advice from people who just don’t have a clue on here. I’m sending solidarity because my situation a couple of years ago was very similar and but by bit we got through it.
your son is a bright lad and will be able to pick up in educational settings once things are stable so please try not to catastrophise about that, and please reassure him.
finance wise, does he receive DLA? If not you should be able to make a claim, get support from your local SENDIAS service. Have a look on the entitled to website if that’s what it’s called.. basically the benefits you can get if you’re single parenting. And look at it this way, it sounds like you could do with living separately from your partner at the very least, if splitting up with him right now feels too difficult, but ultimately he’s making the situation harder and not listening to you - your lives would be better without that.
you can contact your local front door for families and ask for a key worker, this is a social worker type person that can basically support you to support the kids as you’ve got so much going on, someone on your side to help get various services organised, perhaps help you with an EHCP If you haven’t already got one, help you do applications for DLA etc.
re the behaviour issues, self refer to CAPA first response as they are amazing at coaching parents whose children are using aggressive behaviour.
Seek support from other parents of autistic teenagers, and beware of asking the hoi polloi as people just do not understand and will give you really on helpful advice

OP you’re getting a hard time here and AIBU wasn’t the best place to post. I’d ditch this post and try the SEN board. A lot of people just don’t have a clue. You have my full sympathy for your situation and your ‘d’p is a prick. How dare he take your kids phones. I can’t imagine the fall out if I did that to my daughter.
We’ve had a lot of success with The Youth Fairy https://www.theyouthfairy.com/
Wishing you all the best, hang in there

Horrible situation OP.
You’ve had some good advice here, but none of us can address any of this, only you can.

Please contact the college and put them fully in the picture, be honest, you and DS need all the support going. Talk to their safeguarding lead and SENDCO. Would they consider a phased return for the first term for example? Does he have counselling? Do you have a sympathetic GP?

From what you’ve posted, it sounds that your DP has done a lot to support your family (and they are your family) but things got too much, he went in all guns blazing and things escalated. How will you try to prevent this inevitably happening again?

It’s very hard for you to, but please be proactive rather than reactive. I would talk calmly to DP, and find an agreed way forward where you parent and he supports you in this. He might even feel relieved, or he might feel undermined, time will tell.

Short term, put work plans on the back burner, keep DS off rest of this week and talk to college today about a phased return. When I was safeguarding lead at a huge high school I would encourage the student to have input, rather than presenting it to them as another decision they have to adhere to. And get a GP appointment as soon as you can for both of you.

Your DD will be affected hugely by this, so don’t assume she’s okay, I’d flag up the family situation with her Head of Year, so they can keep an eye on her.

You might leave DP, but I wouldn’t do that now, as I think your DS will internalise this and blame himself causing further MH issues. Hard I know, and of course you know what you can and can’t cope with. Good luck.

I am sorry you are getting such a hard time OP.

I understand the phone for music being the only thing that can soothe him and that unfortunately it cannot be your phone and so on. I am autistic and even as an adult, it would be my own set of music that was important to me and that they were played in the correct order that I am used to.

There seems to be so much going on and I am just about to go in to an appointment but I just wanted to say I get it, things aren't always as simple as they can look.

You're not a bad mum but you are allowing your boy to get away with it. Your daughter and his twin who I think you said is also autistic is a girl and girls tend to want to please. Your son is a male he is full of testosterone regardless of how you want to see him. You can't allow him to take control you need to guide him and discipline him. Encourage him to go to college rather than waste away in your house or put him in online school Netschool for example they want roughly £1200 per term up front or Kings High. He can't sit there and do nothing you will be brought to court and forced to return him back to school.

OP you are stuck in an abusive relationship and I think you know that with the money and the fact he led everything yesterday and has caused such a huge set back

and yes I do drive my DS to school and back every day but I jabbed the luxury of working freelance but that is so it can be around him. School is a stressor travel is a stressor so I remove one.

I have been in a very similar situation for the last year, thankfully my dc has gone in for the first two days of term, but I’m not getting my hopes up yet that we’ll ever be entirely back to normal. My dc can’t cope with the bus to school, so we have help from the LA for taxis there and back. The first two days I did the journey too, as dc needs to get used to the school before they can get used to the journey, so we tried that and it seems to have worked so far.

You haven’t mentioned if your son is on any medication? My dc has been on Sertraline since December last year, and it has made a massive difference. If his anxiety isn’t treated, I think he will find it harder to get back into the school routine. We still have some bad days with my dc, but it’s much more fleeting (ten minutes this morning where we couldn’t find something which caused a mini-panic, but thank god, still went in). Without the sertraline I’m sure we’d be back where we were in December. It just makes it manageable. Autism obviously isn’t treatable, but the anxiety is and that can be as much or more of a problem.

We also found CAHMS absolutely useless, even when dc was suicidal, there was no help at all available. I suspect we’d still be on a waiting list now. We paid for a private psychiatrist, and it’s not cheap at about £200 a month for each appointment and the prescription costs. But, I think it’s made all the difference.

Good luck. It’s so hard. The hardest year of my life, for sure. I hope things turn around for you all.

I'm really sorry. You realise you've made a mistake and now you must do your best to rectify it. Can you sit by your sons bed and tell him you will be coming back to talk in an hours or so. Prepare him so that he knows he does need to talk to you. Then make a plan together and revisit the plan over the weekend so he knows what is going to happen on Monday. Would something like this help?

@BlondeSpider Honestly it just gets worse. So your son's DLA and carers allowance is going on day to day household expenses, what your DP gives you probably barely covers his share. He sounds like a mean selfish bully. Have you got so ground down by everything going on that you can't see the wood for the trees? Ask the college for help in re-engaging your son, perhaps the 1:1 could visit him at home? If you can get him into college by any means (e.g.by car or going with him on the bus) you can deal with longer term travel arrangements if he settles. You are not helping him by assuming that he can't ever adapt, it's your job to support him do the things needed for him to have the best life he can. It's all about tiny steps, positive reinforcement and endless patience to build his confidence. This is from long experience - been there, done it and have many T shirts. Being defeatist won't take you or him forward, so if you need help for your own low mood you may need to address that as well.

Good on him he's parenting your children. What about you I feel sorry for your other half and what he has to put up with. You give in too easily to your son. That's very worrying.

I still stick by that even if I take him once in the car he'll expect that. For those challenging it, you don't know him and clearly don't have an autistic child, he's all about routine and if he's thrown off that it makes him very anxious and has a meltdown

But this doesn’t make sense.

You think he’ll not be able to cope if he has to go from going in the car to getting the bus - but then you thought he’d be fine going to a new college and getting the bus after he’s been in his current routine for over a year?

I just think it was setting him up to fail.

If this was a one off I would have said that your DH handled it badly but none of us are perfect and to work together to plan going forward.
But you are saying that actually there’s a lot more that we don’t know.
So you need to end the relationship.

You have 2 teens who are anxious and suffer with their MH, one of which has suicidal thoughts.

Grow a backbone and end this relationship if you think he is causing issues and put your kids first.

I'm so sorry. You are absolutely right to plan to leave this bullying, abusive man. Without his bullying presence around things will definitely calm down. You can start immediately gathering information to help you leave asap. Good luck.

I haven't seen anyone calling you a bad mum, but when a person is feeling low they tend to see the negative in everything.
Go out with friends and get cheered up. That will benefit everyone in the house.

I'm not asking whether he takes anti anxiety for a third time, as previous two requests were ignored, so I'm off.

If he leaves she has no choice but to return her son back to school or college. She will have to go to work. The state will not support her homeschooling her son.

Why buy an iPod when he’s already got a phone to listen to his music on? Feels like that would be a waste of money.

This is not necessarily true. If a child is awarded middle or higher rate DLA, they will be will for looking for work as they're a carer and entitled to Universal Credits (depending on savings/other income etc)

Exactly physical violence even during a meltdown requires consequences. Pushing someone off who is punching you is a very normal reaction.

especially if you haven’t had training in any safe restraint techniques for sen children.

You’ve lots going on OP, I feel for you.

But first things first. I have an autistic teen and you need to nip school refusal in the bud and drive him in every day until you do start to work. There is no reason why you can’t do it now and this may just get him over the hump and he can then do the bus.

I get that it seems like giving in is the only option with SEN teens but it’s not the right thing to do.

With regards to your DP, leaving him or not, I don’t think he was entirely unreasonable, however it isn’t the way to discipline a SEN teen. Both DC were entirely in the wrong and I think you are in danger here of your DS ‘dragging down’ your DD. You need to have a talk with her as well.

You are a good mum. Sometimes that's all you can be, and all they need you to be, and the only thing you can do is love them.