DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

[BlondeSpider]

I do not even know where to start because my head is all over the place. Today was supposed to be such a big day for us. DS is 14 and was due to start at a 14 plus college after being out of school for more than a year. He stopped going back just after Christmas in year 8. His mental health had been declining for a while before that and then I found out he had been self harming. His anxiety was through the roof and it got to the point where he just could not manage. CAMHS were no help at all. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall every time I tried to get support. Eventually I deregistered him from school and homeschooled. It has been very up and down but he is bright and when he is calm he is lovely. I paid privately in the end for an autism assessment because waiting for the NHS was going to take years. He now has a diagnosis which in some ways was a relief but also quite overwhelming.

This summer has been really hard. DS has been difficult to live with. He is angry a lot of the time and everything is an argument. His anxiety is still there and when he is stressed it turns into lashing out verbally and sometimes physically. We have had things thrown, doors slammed, endless shouting matches. It has been exhausting, I think it's mostly due to puberty as he's had a growth spurt recently and his voice has dropped

DD is his twin. She has generally managed better with school and life in general but she has been struggling too, especially with his behaviour. She loves him and worries about him and is quite protective over him. She was supposed to be starting year 10 today which is a big year with GCSEs coming up.

This morning they both set out together for the bus stop. DS was nervous but I felt cautiously hopeful. It felt like maybe this was a turning point. But they never went. They did not get on the bus and they were gone most of the day. They ignored my calls and texts and would not say where they were. When they finally came home later on it all kicked off.

DP was furious. He immediately took their phones off them which caused a huge row. DS completely lost it and hit DP on the arm. DP reacted by shoving him back. It was not hard enough to hurt but it was physical and I just feel really uncomfortable about that. Then DP turned on DD and shouted at her for not making sure DS went in and for covering for him. He told her she had let everyone down. She just stood there crying.

I honestly do not know what to think. I understand why DP was so angry because I was too. We have been through hell trying to get DS back into education and today felt like such an important chance. But at the same time I feel like DP handled it badly. DD should not have had all that responsibility put on her and I do not think shouting at her was fair at all. And even though DS hit him first I still do not like that he shoved him back. The atmosphere in the house is awful now and I feel like we are right back at square one.

AIBU to think DP was too heavy handed and made things worse. Or am I just being soft?

I don't think you necessarily made the wrong decision about getting DS back into education as it's what he'll need for his future success but you do need to take on board that expecting him to travel in with his DS but without any adult support was unreasonable. As PP has said, investing some time in accompanying him on his journey to school for the first couple of weeks will be worth it to get him over this initial barrier and into a good routine before you take up your new work hours.

I can understand your husband pushing DS away from him as a self protective measure or even as an automatic response to being hit and yes, it may be a learning experience for your son that it isn't safe for him to be physically aggressive and that their will likely be violent consequences. DS needs to accept this and then DH and DS need to apologise to one another.

DH blaming DD though is totally unfair. He needs to understand that she isn't responsible for her brother's school refusal and apologise to her.

On the other hand, she is responsible for her own truancy and you need talk her through what would have been the right thing to do, which presumably would have been to call a parent to come support her brother so that she could go into school. In the moment though, I am sure that she was terribly torn by the demands of her brother so she needs a plan in place for if this happens again. I think understanding of her very difficult position is needed here not heavy handed guilting and punishment.

Taking phones away as punishment when listening to music is a useful, tried and tested calming strategy doesn't seem to be an intelligent decision either. Is there something not so useful that could be removed like access to TV or PC gaming?

I think you need to discuss all these issues with your DH and put more support in place for DS which doesn't put an unfair and unrealistic expectations on DD.

Good luck OP.

Agree with this post. The DP clearly didn't react perfectly but he sounds like he is at his wits end and defending himself against violence, which was in response to a normal parenting consequence.

There are many step mothers who post on here about their OH and his pandering to his kids, she ends up bankrolling the situation but getting no say in things. Views tend to be very supportive of the step mum and tell her to boot the useless DP out.

OP will be lucky if he doesn't turf the lot of them out.

Thats not to say that this kid doesn't have clear difficulties, he obviously needs help.

I’m so sorry this happened OP. You’re in a really difficult situation.

I agree with PP that your DP has been utterly unfair on both your DC.

I do understand what you mean about routine (I work with autistic children) but don’t fall into the trap of thinking as rigidly about it as your son. Yes he needs routine, but he will need it more when he is stressed out, and less when he is more at ease. The ideal would have been for you to take him to college for the first weeks / months until he is settled enough for it not to be as stressful, and then working on changing the routine (you couldn’t do that with school - but he hated school. the hope is that college will be different).

Anyway, with the situation you’re now in, I’m wondering how much your DP is (and possibly has been for a long time?) contributing to your DS’s stress and anxiety? He sounds intolerable to be honest.

You may have a chicken and egg situation where you can’t leave unless things improve, but things perhaps won’t improve until you leave. Living with him must be like stepping on eggshells.

Is there anywhere else you can go? A parent’s house? Do you have enough saved to rent a mobile home in a holiday park? Yes moving would upset your children, but your children are already upset. Worth thinking flexibly about all the options.

I agree. The OP says she is making plans to leave but he of course may just decide to leave them to it.

All this could have been avoided if op had gone on the bus with him yesterday. Starting a new college on your own is daunting for any child let alone one who had been out of school for a while. There is still time to get it right . Maybe start again on Monday. I wish you all the best.

I’m so sorry that you’ve had a stressful time and going back at Sen children doesn’t help…yes they need to learn how to behave in a different way but it sounds like the situation has been massively escalated. I understand about the routine and transport as I had huge problems when my son was that age. Have you looked into home transport my son had a taxi so just had to roll out of bed and into the taxi and dropped at the door it changed our lives as school started when the taxi arrived so his behaviour was the same as when at school. That also removes any responsibility from your dd which is sometimes so hard to balance. I couldn’t work whilst my son was at school because it just wasn’t possible with the uncertainty of behaviour but it has got better, so hopefully it will for you too. I think you need to calm the situation down however that needs to happen, phone can go back as it’s a comfort and helps to self regulate once the situation is calm you can go back to looking how to resolve the issues. School, the partner living arrangements etc. unfortunately I found it better on my own as it was just my rules and routines and no one else messed them up. It helped and I was less on egg shells and could control how things were dealt with. Hope this morning feels a little better

My eldest has got ADHD, and was home schooled for 2 years before attending a local college for GCSE's in 1 year that the local Ed Auth runs for failed school users. I took her for the 1st week just to settle her in - and then she started to get the bus. The tutors for that course were great and really understood challenging behaviour and know it all teenagers. Honestly OP I think leaving them alone to get there was never going to work.... even if it's for the first few weeks, you need to be present and consistent for school to work again.

And your DP has no right taking their phones. It sounds like you've got a lot going on, and for that I'm sorry. It's horribly frustrating when you've got essentially a child but that's approaching adulthood that won't settle into "the system". I now accept that my DD was a square peg in a round hole. And conversely as a now adult, she's not far off completing a University degree. It just had to be on her terms...

My daughter had a year off school due to serious mental health issues, which included her being in hospital for a time. Going back was hard. The school made a transition plan. She didn't go back full-time at first - it was too much. You wouldn't expect someone who'd had a serious accident get out of bed and run a marathon. We treated this the same.

She went from 95% absence to 95% attendance... but only after three years, and with lots of wobbles along the way.

I know how incredibly hard it is to live with this, and how it sucks the life force from you. But I think he was set up to fail.

A very sad situation without an obvious solution, but no way should DD have been given the responsibility of getting DS to school. An adult should have gone with him on the bus. Easy to say with hindsight. I hope DD has now gone to school herself and is back on track. You need to be careful not to fall out with DP over this, it will create more tension and stress and make it worse. I am sad to write this but one day your DS may come to realise that choices made now have messed up his whole life - no education/qualifications, no friends, no prospect of a decent career and so on and so on. Mayve your DP can talk to him about this and explain why he was so angry. DS needs to learn that actions have consequences, and losing his phone was a reasonable punishment.

You should have been there with them on the bus stop and made sure they got on the bus - especially with your son's background, I don't understand why nobody was there with them. Also, your DS is not a baby and at 14 he knows that hitting people has consequences. Obviously DD should not have this responsibility of caring for her brother put on her, but it's your failure as a parent you let this all happen.

Doing nothing is not an option. You are required to give him an education. The stress doesn't end. You could wait another year and then put him in college. He could be traumatised from school. You can't feel sorry for him you have to toughen him up. My daughter was the same you have to push them.

It’s probably not ideal that your DP is so involved, OP, but you are so passive he may just think he’s helping.

As far as I can tell you’ve decided that your DS won’t go back to school because he can’t listen to music and the first day was ruined. You also couldn’t drop him to school because even though you don’t work, in the future you might. You didn’t have a back up plan for school refusal on the first day and you didn’t do a trial run.

maybe your DP feels he meds to be proactive, because you won’t/can’t do anything?

I disagree with driving him. That's just putting off the transition to bus travel.
Get those ear phones out, at least for the journey so he's aware of his surroundings.
Travel as a passenger on the bus for a week, but not sitting with him. He's gaining responsibility while having the reassurance of your presence.
Second week make sure he gets on the bus, but alone.
Sounds like a lot of work but if it gets him to school and your freedom to work, it will be worth it.

I really don't think your DP is the problem here.

You know in the real world what could happen to him you need toughen up and discipline him.

Yes -“ using him”. The OP ( appropriately) gave up work so that she could home educate her son due to his mental health difficulties and his school refusal. She was able to do this because her DP financed her and the 2 children. Her son has been given a specialist school placement which he would have been unable to get without his formal diagnosis of autism. Again - his private assessment was paid for by her DP.
She has certainly been very content with taking his money when it suits.
This must have placed financial pressure on him and I can see how he came to be at the end of his tether yesterday with stress and anxiety. And frustration given that despite how important yesterday was the OP who does not work didn’t bother to support her DS on the first day of a specialist placement.
If she is unhappy in the relationship and unhappy with his interactions with her children then leave . Don’t just use him to cover the expenses and then leave. I agree with him about the phones also.
And does she know yet where did the 2 children spend the entire school day yesterday?

Have you spoken to his college about the situation?

Having read all your posts, doesn't it look like your DP blames you for being too 'softie' with your DS? We all lived without our phones before 2010 and we were fine, so they should be fine, too. Phone is not really a necessity - it's more an addiction. Music - you can buy him a simple iPod or a Boombox in his room. It does seems like you have sacrificed everything to baby your teenage son, there were probably some mistakes committed on the way of his parenting. Maybe he needed less electronics, which is very addictive, and more discipline and hard work, focus on academics, reading books, sports, etc. I understand DP's frustration, I would have taken their phones, too.

I wouldn't be concerned about the push. He's 14 and he'll be out in the world before you know it. Better he learns it from his dad, that if he hits someone, they might just hit him back, than from a stranger on the street.
I feel sorry for your DD. Seeing him safely onto the bus was a huge ask for a 14yo, especially as he hasn't been to school in almost a year. An adult should have accompanied him - probably driven him in tbh.

At our school if a SEN pupil of this age has a meltdown, hits a teacher or another pupil there are consequences. The son has to learn this now rather than as an adult.

Op have you contacted the college and told them the situation? Have they any suggestions?

As I and others have said - you can get bus with him if you worry he will fixate on car and then be a massive issue to change. He won’t be capable of independent travel - I’m not sure why you think he will given this situation?

So because he isn’t capable of independently getting the bus your solution is to homeschool again? How does that help you back to work?
How does that help DS?

I dont understand your black and white thinking here at all. You are determined that DS has to get bus to college independently so you can work. But the situation is that DS can’t do this and you’ll end up with him at home and can’t work. The solution if it was me would be get bus to college with DS and look for part time role at college around this. Dinner lady, admin, cleaner, SEN support etc just get foot in door with college and support for you and DS.
I know a good few mums of ND children who have done this sort of thing as literally it can sometimes be the stepping stone their child needs and it gets them out of the terrible cycle of child stuck at home with no life.

You honestly need to throw out this idea of going back to work shifts and DS getting bus independently right now. That is not realistic for him right now. But you also need to not totally give up and homeschool him. Find some compromises! Lots of options you can explore and ask college for help.

Likewise if you want to leave DP then look for options to do so and try not to fall into black and white thinking of I can only leave him if x,y,z fall into place. You can leave him when you decide to! It isn’t easy - but it is doable. I and many women have done it! Life gets better when you take action and start directing your own life. Best of luck x

If you're son had so many difficulties then you really should have taken a few weeks to get him settled into school. I can't believe you just sent him off on the bus. Now you are going to have a lot of difficulties getting him back in. How will you work now?

A stitch in time saves 9.

OP certainly sounding defeatist which will transfer to her son. He needs a can do attitude from her and her partner.
Also the constant headphone music that soothes him? I don't suppose it's gentle string quartet music, more likely aggressive noise. Hope it's not damaging his hearing or his future difficulties will be even worse.

Perhaps as well OP, try posting on one of the parenting forums for children with difficulties. There could be a mum who overcame the same problems you're having.

I'm inclined to agree.
My older sister, who is also diagnosed autistic, struggled all the way through secondary school with anxiety and bullies.
Homeschool simply wasn't a thing. It was "go to school whether you like it or not." But this was the mid-90s. Yes, there were kids that bunked off because they didn't like school, but there was none of these "school refuser" or "anxiety" labels, and they weren't pandered to. There was a shrug and a "well, it's your future..."

I completely agree with other posters who say it's a good thing that there are systems in place to support these kids... But where does "support" end and "pandering" begin?

I dont understand your black and white thinking here at all. You are like DS has to get bus to college so I can work. But the situation is that DS can’t do this and you’ll end up with him at home and can’t work.

Parents of autistic children are often autistic themselves. This makes what seems like a totally obvious decision very complicated.