DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

[BlondeSpider]

I do not even know where to start because my head is all over the place. Today was supposed to be such a big day for us. DS is 14 and was due to start at a 14 plus college after being out of school for more than a year. He stopped going back just after Christmas in year 8. His mental health had been declining for a while before that and then I found out he had been self harming. His anxiety was through the roof and it got to the point where he just could not manage. CAMHS were no help at all. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall every time I tried to get support. Eventually I deregistered him from school and homeschooled. It has been very up and down but he is bright and when he is calm he is lovely. I paid privately in the end for an autism assessment because waiting for the NHS was going to take years. He now has a diagnosis which in some ways was a relief but also quite overwhelming.

This summer has been really hard. DS has been difficult to live with. He is angry a lot of the time and everything is an argument. His anxiety is still there and when he is stressed it turns into lashing out verbally and sometimes physically. We have had things thrown, doors slammed, endless shouting matches. It has been exhausting, I think it's mostly due to puberty as he's had a growth spurt recently and his voice has dropped

DD is his twin. She has generally managed better with school and life in general but she has been struggling too, especially with his behaviour. She loves him and worries about him and is quite protective over him. She was supposed to be starting year 10 today which is a big year with GCSEs coming up.

This morning they both set out together for the bus stop. DS was nervous but I felt cautiously hopeful. It felt like maybe this was a turning point. But they never went. They did not get on the bus and they were gone most of the day. They ignored my calls and texts and would not say where they were. When they finally came home later on it all kicked off.

DP was furious. He immediately took their phones off them which caused a huge row. DS completely lost it and hit DP on the arm. DP reacted by shoving him back. It was not hard enough to hurt but it was physical and I just feel really uncomfortable about that. Then DP turned on DD and shouted at her for not making sure DS went in and for covering for him. He told her she had let everyone down. She just stood there crying.

I honestly do not know what to think. I understand why DP was so angry because I was too. We have been through hell trying to get DS back into education and today felt like such an important chance. But at the same time I feel like DP handled it badly. DD should not have had all that responsibility put on her and I do not think shouting at her was fair at all. And even though DS hit him first I still do not like that he shoved him back. The atmosphere in the house is awful now and I feel like we are right back at square one.

AIBU to think DP was too heavy handed and made things worse. Or am I just being soft?

The college set up for him sounds great so you need to get him in. I'd be taking him myself for the next few weeks. Then you can start working on strategies so that he will take himself. Breaking it into small steps eg so that after a while you stop going into the gates with him , then you don't get off the bus at the stop with him( get off at the next one and pop back to check he's in) It absolutely can be done and will take a few weeks. But that will be better than home schooling for ever!

OP, you've said you want to work so you can leave your partner.

If this is the situation, you need to leave your partner now. I actually feel you are being enormously unfair to him - he is paying for you all, trying to parent (and sorry, but posts saying you are too soft and unrealistic are correct) - and you are ultimately not invested in this relationship anyway. He's probably desperately trying to get through the next few years and hope that he will have a life with you when they leave home.

Sort yourself out OP. If you want to leave him, then be honest and do so. And then parent the way you think is best, on your own. Good luck.

You need to separate the children ensure that your daughter goes in and lives her own life. She's not the parent and shouldn't have the responsibility.

I just wanted to say that MP3 players and dumbphones still exist. I often take them to the beach when I worry my actual phone could get stolen. A dumb Nokia for your daughter will be about 20 pounds, the same for MP3 player for your son.

This with bells on

"Today was supposed to be such a big day for us."
Sounds like it was all hyped too much, increasing expectation and creating anxiety.
When my 11 year old had to travel to school by train, we'd already done a trial run. Then on the first day of school, I travelled in the carriage but away from her.
You could do the same on the bus. Be in the queue and on the bus, but apart from him.

After your son was diagnosed privately, was he put on anti-anxiety medication and if so has it helped?
Unless your DP makes it a habit to shout and yell at the children, I've so many parents act that way when their kids turn up safe. I worked in a big London store near the customer service desk where lost children would be reported.
Without fail, whenever the child was reunited with the parent, it would start with a telling off, then would come the hugs and sometimes tears of relief.

Your 14 year kids were missing and uncontactable for a whole day! Your DP's mind was probably in overdrive, thinking county lines etc.

It seems posters having read all my replies when asking questions. I still stick by that even if I take him once in the car he'll expect that. For those challenging it, you don't know him and clearly don't have an autistic child, he's all about routine and if he's thrown off that it makes him very anxious and has a meltdown which isn't ideal before college as then he’ll be thrown off for the rest of the day as after a meltdown he usually just wants to go to bed. DP didn't shove him away after being hit, DS hit him and walked off and then DP shoved him. DP is also over 6ft, DS is about 5’5 so he wasn't in danger of being hurt. Yes, he shouldn't hit but shoving him really isn't going to teach him that. I firstly wouldve sat him down and tried to talk to him about why he didn't go (and DD)and what part he was so anxious about instead of going in all guns blazing and taking phones.

DD is good at going to school usually and does well, her behaviour is good too but she does worry about DS. She was having counselling via school as hearing her brother shouting he wants to kill himself at 12 obviously has affected her and likely would at any age. She's not a young carer to him. They play games and watch films but that's normal with siblings, she is protective over him and they'd always been together really in Education, in primary school they were always in the same class and in secondary they had some of the same classes until I deregistered DS. They can't be separated on the bus though as there's only really one they can take, they come once every 45 minutes (though they're so unreliable its normally closer to an hour).

To the people saying they wouldn't let a man who's not their dad rule the house, why do you think I'm planning to leave? He still hasn't given their phones back, I think he's taken them to work. I ended up taking DD to school and DS hasn't gone as he's just lying in bed hiding under his duvet and not talking to any of us which he hasn't been like in ages. So yes, he has made it worse and I'm not going to apologise to DP for blaming him as some have said (haven't even said I blame him to his face either).

What a shit show. I imagine there’s a lot more going on here than your partner being angry that your children skipped school. What is the relationship like between the three of them usually? Do they like him? You say that you need to work in order to be able to leave him, so what else has been going on?
You’re not working and you know how anxious and the level of his MH issues, so I agree with others, you really should have either driven him in, or gone on the bus with him. You didn’t and now here you are.
Your partner shouldn’t have snatched their phones from them because now they will both shut down and you’re further back than square one. So yeah, a shit show.
You can’t work if your son doesn’t go to college, so that has to be your priority. End of. If that means driving him every day then that’s what you’re going to need to do.
You need to contact the college, explain what happened and ask for support going forward.
And apologise to your poor daughter who is stuck in the middle of this mess.

It sounds like your husband is acting out of uncontrollable anger and wants to hand out punisments without looking at the bigger picture. I dont like this at all. How do you feel about it? Does he have a form for this controlling bahaviour?

Are you sure your partner isn't the cause of at least some of your children's behavioural and emotional difficulties?! He doesn't sound like he manages his own emotions well at all if he is shoving an autistic child, shouting at your daughter and to make it worse doesn't even seem to see any issue with his reaction.Does he usually behave any better?

So, if her DP has been such a saint for taking all of this on, why does OP want to leave him ? I suspect there’s a lot more to this than meets the eye. And I wholeheartedly agree with a pp who said a NT response to an ASD issue is the root of the problem. It sounds to me as though DP doesn’t understand autism and doesn’t want to. Which is a huge problem for the OP.

Was about to post this - I think your priority may be to leave him. I’d speak to Citizen’s Advice about getting on a social housing list to escape an abusive relationship and because your children are at risk.

It does seem unfair for your daughter to be blamed for her brother not going to school. However a teenage boy who hits people when stressed is going to get a lot more than a shove in future, so it's best he learns that now.

I know it's not a good thing generally to physically discipline children, but I do think teen boys sometimes need a physical demonstration of power from an older man to keep them in check. I'm not suggesting a beating, but a teen boy who lays hands on someone should be left with no illusions that this is an option for him in future. We sometimes hear about older teens who rule over family members with fear due to violence when having meltdowns and it's not acceptable that they have learned this is an option, it needs to be slapped down immediately.

You need to focus on DS this is a child who has been school refusing. He now is not in school the second day and you are still blaming your DP by confiscating phones. Surely you understand this was a punishment for them skipping school and not answering when you tried to find out where they were. Lots of issues sound like going on but how you think you are going to hold down a job when your DS is refusing school?

Everyone is the wrong in different ways.
Taking the phones though. That is an appropriate punishment, neither one of them bothered to call you or even answer when you called them so if they can’t use them for their intended use, they lose them. I would have been so worried if I was in that situation and couldn’t contact either of them.

I find it interesting how you keep trying to avoid any blame here and keep putting this on your DP. You are also at fault here for not taking him to school on the first day. Going back to work soon isn’t an excuse for not stepping up and taking him during what is an incredibly stressful time for him.
Getting him back to school is a hurdle, but it’s not just the first day. It’s multiple hurdles. He has ASD and mental health issues, but it’s disingenuous to say he won’t adjust to going another way after that first time. I’m sure he has adapted plenty over his years of life and he would’ve also with the bus once you put the plans and steps in place.

I wonder if the reason your DP went hard at them is because he knew you wouldn’t dole out any consequences on them at all.
I hope your DD is okay, she didn’t deserve to be yelled at and he absolutely was out of line for that.

Give DD back her phone in the morning and send her to school. Then communicate with your son after they all have gone.
You are their parent if you don’t want DP disciplining them then say something. But you also have out boundaries and consequences in. Then the pair of you need to communicate.

Bluntly, your son can't manage independent travel to the college. I know how difficult it is to find work that fits around DC who are EHE/part time attendance/can't manage transport, I've been there and I'm still there.

You know DS is not choosing to be anxious. You're (understandably imo) angry at your DP for him not recognising this. But you also have to accept that you will need to support DS with the travel.

Agree, same with the other posters saying that your ds needs to learn that he's not a toddler anymore, if he physically attacks someone, particularly another male, they probably aren't just going to sit there and take it. A slight shove from his df is a safer way to learn that than being lamped in the face if he tries it with someone his own age.

You say shoving won't teach him not to hit, but what will? Presumably you've tried telling him multiple times and that clearly hasn't worked.

Your dd shouldn't have had the responsibility of ensuring ds gets to school and your dh was wrong to blame her for that - it's important not to fall into the trap of expecting her to be/know better because she hasn't exhibited the same issues (for all you know she's just as distressed as your ds but internalises it).

However considered solely on her own merits of what SHE did wrong ultimately having her phone taken off her and being shouted at isn't an overreaction to skipping school and deliberately keeping phone turned off when she knew you'd be worried.

Op you are talking about completely giving up on college - which would mean you are at home with him all day - rather than giving up your time to drive him in ? This is what I can't understand.

He needs this opportunity - the support for him is at that college - he deserves to be there getting that support.

It makes no sense that you would not take him in - and then you end up caring for him at home with no support.

Once he is in college - you can also seek help there for more SS/home based support that might help you leave your clearly abusive partner.

We know autistic children like routine. You keep saying you can't take your son once because he will expect to be taken every day. You have to work at this! I did try to explain what I meant in a post above. Break it down.

Those commenting on the phone removal being appropriate are being totally ignorant of SEN needs. This was a child having a SEN breakdown / meltdown - you don't punish for that. and NO an adult does not hit a SEN child who is distressed.

The phone is needed for the young person to regulate - this boy needs to be CALMED DOWN, regulated and supported in every possible way to go to college

OP - I urge you as the parent wiht the primary care of your son to get him to college whatever way possible. Drive him, walk him, take him on the bus

It's not fair on him to end up losing out on an education and stuck at home - it's also a disaster for you

And I speak as the parent of a child who was in completely sxchool refusal for two years so I absolutely udnerstand what is happening here

Your son needs to be supported into school for now and you can then apply for proper transport by taxi for him in future.

It makes no sense that you would allow his place to slip away over the lift/ travel issue. Get him in there!

OP is still happy to take his money though. If he is abusive she should leave and if he isn’t abusive she is just using him to fund her and her children. Where is their biological father in this? And the latest post from the OP is not taking on board any of the comments.

'using him'??? she is trapped clearly without the money to leave don't be so disgustingly horrible about someone being abused

The main issue here is this boy needs to be in college where he has a lot of support - not at home in an awful stressful environment with an abusive step dad and a mum who is not coping

Op - for your sons sake - you need to focus on him and college not on anything happening at home.

I do not think we have enough information to say she is abused and trapped. We have one side of a story. And the OP made the decision to not take her son to school yesterday just leaving him with his sister- decisions she made.

I doubt she’s ‘happy’. And she’s actively making plans to leave. Without knowing more about the home situation no-one really knows whether leaving is possible at this stage.

That’s why I said there are scenarios. But he did pay for private assessment for her son.