DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

[BlondeSpider]

I do not even know where to start because my head is all over the place. Today was supposed to be such a big day for us. DS is 14 and was due to start at a 14 plus college after being out of school for more than a year. He stopped going back just after Christmas in year 8. His mental health had been declining for a while before that and then I found out he had been self harming. His anxiety was through the roof and it got to the point where he just could not manage. CAMHS were no help at all. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall every time I tried to get support. Eventually I deregistered him from school and homeschooled. It has been very up and down but he is bright and when he is calm he is lovely. I paid privately in the end for an autism assessment because waiting for the NHS was going to take years. He now has a diagnosis which in some ways was a relief but also quite overwhelming.

This summer has been really hard. DS has been difficult to live with. He is angry a lot of the time and everything is an argument. His anxiety is still there and when he is stressed it turns into lashing out verbally and sometimes physically. We have had things thrown, doors slammed, endless shouting matches. It has been exhausting, I think it's mostly due to puberty as he's had a growth spurt recently and his voice has dropped

DD is his twin. She has generally managed better with school and life in general but she has been struggling too, especially with his behaviour. She loves him and worries about him and is quite protective over him. She was supposed to be starting year 10 today which is a big year with GCSEs coming up.

This morning they both set out together for the bus stop. DS was nervous but I felt cautiously hopeful. It felt like maybe this was a turning point. But they never went. They did not get on the bus and they were gone most of the day. They ignored my calls and texts and would not say where they were. When they finally came home later on it all kicked off.

DP was furious. He immediately took their phones off them which caused a huge row. DS completely lost it and hit DP on the arm. DP reacted by shoving him back. It was not hard enough to hurt but it was physical and I just feel really uncomfortable about that. Then DP turned on DD and shouted at her for not making sure DS went in and for covering for him. He told her she had let everyone down. She just stood there crying.

I honestly do not know what to think. I understand why DP was so angry because I was too. We have been through hell trying to get DS back into education and today felt like such an important chance. But at the same time I feel like DP handled it badly. DD should not have had all that responsibility put on her and I do not think shouting at her was fair at all. And even though DS hit him first I still do not like that he shoved him back. The atmosphere in the house is awful now and I feel like we are right back at square one.

AIBU to think DP was too heavy handed and made things worse. Or am I just being soft?

You dp needs to leave if he thinks he can give a NT response to a ASD problem

Also, this. Is he their dad?

The op said in a follow up post that he’s not their dad.

You didnt make a bad decision to get him back into education. You could have made better choices in planning how its going to happen on a day to day basis. Its no too late, have a think and go forward. Instead of punishments plan how to make things run smoother and how to make the transition comfortable for your son.

@BlondeSpider Did your DS receive any praise for getting up, getting dressed and getting to the bus stop?

I think its ok for your DP to push back when he's been hit first. Your DS needs to learn he can't lash out and expect no push back.

Your DD should have her phone confiscated and should be punished because she refused to answer her phone throughout the day. She was irresponsible in her actions around letting you know where they were and that they were safe.

I would take their phones off them for the week for their behaviour, i would be furious they disappeared for a day without either of them letting me know.

I think you should have taken him the first day so he felt settled. It was wrong to allow your DD to do this.

Thanks

You should be taking them to school until they settle in. It's ridiculous to send them on the bus given the history. And DP needs to give their phones back.

You didn’t make the wrong decision to try DS back in education but @Millionsofmonkeys has clearly described the essential foundation you didn’t provide to give it a fair chance. I appreciate you are in a very unsatisfactory situation all round but you need to sort out your priorities. You can’t get back to work if your dc aren’t in school so your excuses around that are irrelevant at this point.

Imagine the situation was reversed and a mother started a thread about being the sole provider of her unemployed partner and two stepchildren, one of whom is an autistic school refuser. The comments would probably tell her to leave the situation ASAP whilst painting her as a saint for taking on the responsibility of someone else's children for so long.

OP, I do not have much to offer in the way of solutions. However, I have been in a very similar situation regarding my sons. I will simply relate the situation as an example of what happened in our family's case.

We have two sons who are close in age ( two years between them). My eldest has very obvious additional needs. My youngest masked, and any lack of progress at school or behavioural difficulties were assumed by school, by mental health professionals and by us (parents) as being the result of quite a challenging family situation.

My eldest son began having very significant mental health problems during his early to mid-teens. By the time he was 14, he was unable to attend school. Indeed, he was at significant risk at school because he would run away (into busy roads) and self harm significantly.

When he was unable to attend school, my husband had the sole responsibility of keeping him occupied and safe. This was not feasible, so I took long term sick leave from work to try to manage the situation. My eldest ended up as an inpatient in a CAMHS unit.

Then, my youngest began to 'refuse' school. There were interventions from the Educational Welfare Team, the Head of Year and eventually for social services to try to help him attend. He was diagnosed with severe GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) and a home tutor was allocated from the LA to help him keep up with English and Maths. He hid from the tutor, locked himself in the bathroom when the tutor came and simply refused to engage. This was because he was overwhelmingly anxious, not because he was being defiant.

When my eldest came back from the CAMHS unit, we had two very unsettled teenage boys at home. There was very little provision for them, and we tried our hardest to encourage them to do something outside the house. It was Hell! The boys fought, my husband (who is also autistic) responded with violent meltdowns and Children's Social Care became involved at the highest level.

The rest of the story involves child protection plans and a necessary separation, largely due to my husband's behaviour towards the boys. This comprised lashing out at them, tirades of verbal abuse and breaking things in the house. I tried to manage the situation (sending my husband out; trying to separate the boys who were at each other's throats and so on). However, I did not do enough, soon enough.

The crisis happened ten years ago. Now my eldest is in supported accommodation and I hope he will start a little part time work soon. My husband was diagnosed with schizophrenia (co-occurring with his ASD) and is now in a care home. He is very unwell. My youngest is still chronically anxious and is being helped by a supported employment team to try to engage in some form of activities.

I think the main point in this oversharing is to say that the OP's situation is serious. It involves a family in crisis, long term inability to access education, a child with caring responsibilities (my youngest used to adapt his play for his brother, and my youngest is also neurodiverse), and, although played down, physical abuse of a vulnerable child.

My advice, if I am in a position to give any, is to contact CSC to see if there can be a multi-disciplinary team meeting in which all agencies pull together to help the children and to help the parents to cope.

No, he isnt the Dad. OP has already stated that.

Yes, thanks. Someone has already told me that.

You are too soft, sorry. Must be a hard situation for you though.

I agree, I would have gone with them, even if just following behind. It's too much on DD

I would have gone with them too. Just for the first day or two. It’s a lot to have put on your dd.

Op my child is autistic and I 100 per cent understand about trying to get your son into the correct routine because he won't shift once he has done it one way

I also feel very very sorry for you being stuck in this abusive relationship

however. some of your thoughts seem muddled. If the alternative is home ed where you can't work - why wouldn't you just take him into college?

It sounds like college has been set up for him - I know how invaluable and rare that is for a child with an EHCP

it's not okay to just give up on college now - you need to take him in by person and make this work - for his sake and for yours. Even if you had to take him daily - surely that's preferable to him being stuck at home not having tried this great opportuntity

also please don't keep your daughter off because she doesn't have a phone. This is the sort of thing that spirals into further school refusal

You need to speak to womens aid.

can you give your son your phone for now?

You can accompany them on the bus for weeks though - however long is needed.

Have you had SS involvement? AS I think front door for families/ early help could be good here..

You need professional support in the home - not just at college

I have experience with dc that sound similar to your son. They can’t just walk into school after a year off without major anxiety. I would ask the school for a part time time table. Also drive them. You need to build up really gradually and understand his anxiety. Your poor dd sounds stuck in the middle. Is it a small school setting as that maybe what he needs. Your dp doesn’t seem to understand what your ds is going through.

Your DS and DD are separate problems. DD seems to have become her twin brother's carer and she feels responsible for him.
From your post it seems she has taken this on to herself not that you expected it. Because it has become the norm I understand why he wrongly criticised her.
Please convince her not to appoint herself to this role and to live her own life and not be brought down by DS.
Ds and phone, he needs to learn about consequences to his actions.
Your DP is trying to help and support you OP he is in a difficult situation. He does not want you badly treated by your son or DD. Don't condemn everything about him. For one thing he is still with you, he hasn't left.

Why isn’t it a good one? What coping/relaxing method would you use.

OP please take a step back. You are looking at this through the lens of your children did nothing wrong and your DP was at fault.

Their phones needed to be taken and now you are making big excuses. Actions have consequences - skipping school and being physical.

I am not naive to autism and understand this needs to be taken into consideration but it doesn’t exclude all poor behaviour. A lot of kids with autism don’t hit people. Yea they meltdown especially after a hard day of masking, may self harm and may be difficult but they know not to put their hands on other people.

You need to set boundaries and be firm with clear communication and consequences.

No your DD shouldn’t have been responsible but she also skipped school, didnt tell you about DS or her, ignored calls and texts and then didnt like the consequence.

Your DP’s reaction was right and he was parenting - maybe not in the best way but at least tried. You have made excuses, shifted blame and checked out.

Your kids were unable to be located, supposed to be in school and not answering their phones? And it's your partners fault?

With the huge backstory, why on earth didn't YOU take them? They're your children and your responsibility.

You knew that your ds would struggle and you left him to navigate buses and get to school. By sending him with his sister, yes you did put a lot of responsibility on them both.

I know you said you need to work but kids come first. Get a job between school hours.

Also if he has an ehcp you can get a tutor funded for home. But you would need to be at home. Also look at alternative education provisions in your area.

Firstly, he doesn’t need to do it from day 1. From day 1 he needs to get used to being in a school environment again. I think you’ve expected a lot of him, maybe do it in stages- take him to begin with and once he’s settled
he gets the bus.

You’re making excuses with ‘comfort item’ having his phone is a privilege and ignoring calls is a hard line. He can listen to music some other way but I don’t think confiscating his phone is wrong - he needs to know this is serious and unacceptable.

with regards to the shove, I think it’s very hard to expect someone not to react at all when hit - a shove away is very different from a hit back- it depends what it was!