Wish someone told me about having kids early!

[MissEacek]

I am 36 and I had 2 kids in the last 4 years, only started having kids after 32. I used to think I want to be child free and at 31, the urge to have baby kicked in.
Previous to that I was all focused on going to uni, working, going up the career ladder etc. I was more of competing with peers and sometimes with my DH to get ahead. I was at conferences multiple times a year, drinks with colleagues every Friday and weekends. Having kids never crossed my mind.
Now at 36, I am dealing with a baby and toddler and I desperately want to have a third DC but I feel so exhausted and career has taken a backseat.
I really really wish someone had nudged me earlier about this and I wish I had them earlier then I would have loved to have more, may be 4 who knows. I never knew I would feel so much in love with them and it would like the most wonderful thing in the world.

Im the opposite… I had my eldest at 24 & 26 and looking back it was so young, I married at 23, now my eldest is nearly 18.

I keep saying to them don’t rush to settle and have kids, focus on your career, travel, socialise, have fun!
I always thought I’d do all this once the kids were grown up, but now having my youngest at 34, I don’t know why I didn’t wait to have them all around this age because by the time they all flee the nest, I’m going to too blimin shattered to do any of it 😂

As I said and others it's swings and roundabouts. Yes if you have them younger you have your freedom in your 40s, but then I'm glad I had my 20s to be totally free with no responsibilities. Even if I had them younger, my freedom in my 40s might have had the stress of adult children or grandchildren!

It's easy to see things might have been easy, or you'd have less health or be less tired if you had them younger but no one knows how things would have turned out or what your children would have been like then.

At the end of the day, women have always had children in their late 30s. And it's always been tiring and exhausting no matter what period of time or age you are. Yes it is tiring working and having children but I look at my great-grandparents who all had 10-11 children and lived in 2 bedroom flats with none of the mod cons or indoor toilets we have (not to mention good health care!) and think how much easier I have it now. Even when my grandparents had my parents, it was hardly a walk in the park. No one seemed to have the family support or grandparents support we take for granted now. Simply everyone was too busy with their own families or too worn out!

I had my DC once I was ready to which was age 34 before that I had no interest at all

Also, having it all is total bullshit. DO IT ALL is more realistic. And that's why you're tired.

It's why I'm tired. And so many mums are tired.

My child is 12 months. I'm fat, in pain, exhausted, make more money than DH, work 50 hours a week, still breastfeeding, and feeling the crushing weight of all responsibilities.

My DH's first 12 months of fatherhood? He's had 2 solo holidays. Ran a marathon. And is about to finish writing a book. And he's actually a much more involved parent than most losers my friends have married.

But if you’ve had them earlier your career might have not existed altogether. There’s no way to tell, really.

I don’t know if there’s any scientific explanation behind this but I’m convinced in our mid to late 30s we must go through some sort of baby fever. Even I felt like I wanted another one even though rationally I knew I didn’t. It was overwhelming and I was quite sad, really. Fortunately DP has a baby niece and it brought me to my senses.

Totally agree. I was pushing 40 when DD was born. Even with one I’m absolutely knackered.

I had an amazing time in my 20s and 30s and that’s the one comfort. Aside from that, I should’ve had her when I was 21!

I love my dc but I'm glad I had them in my early 30s. I had the cliche amazing 20s and I really appreciate the spontaneity, lack of responsibility, etc.

I don't think you have the same freedom once you have dc tbh.

Demographics say having kids has become a "cap stone event" - something done when everything else in place not as in past along side other things.

The message for years has been don't have dc if you can't afford them etc, the message got through. And parenting is far more intensive so lots of people are like no thanks.

But if you always wanted 14 children, surely simple maths would have told you that you needed to start TTC in your mid 20s at the very latest?

If you only have one, you must have either left it so late that there was never any possibility of having 14, or you didn’t try for any others, which suggests that you only want 14 kids in retrospect but at the time absolutely didn’t.

If you started TTC in your early 30s, which is what we are discussing, you might not have quite managed 14 but you could easily have had 5 or 6. Yes you would have had to have been perma-pregnant, but so would any woman who has 14 kids. You can’t blame “people not telling you” for you having one child not 14!

The peak of my desire for more babies was in the three years post partum. I hugely regretted not starting sooner and having at least 6, but I’m quite content with two, now that Mother Nature has eased off on her hormonal campaign of terror.

I don’t think I’d advise dd to start earlier, or try and sway her if she’s not inclined to have dc in her twenties. It’s swings and roundabouts.

I am a bit surprised though that you feel you were misled, because I’m a good decade and a bit older than you op and women of my age, and older, were quite vocal in challenging the prevailing career first wisdom, in light of the fertility drop.

The opportunities to work expanded exponentially as well, because the internet created entrepreneurial opportunities, and part time and flexible time jobs became much more normal. It’s become less of an either or. In my dm’s day, once you started showing on your first, it was the death knell for your career aspirations.

DC are super expensive though, most people I know wanted at least 1 monte but finances put them off.

I had my children in my mid-20s and though I had lots of energy then, which was beneficial to me and them, it scuppered my career significantly and I missed out on a lot of the fun experiences and travel that my friends did before they had kids. I’m now mid-40s and my DH early 50s and a lot of our friends still have young children, including toddlers and babies. They do look knackered and I am glad it’s not me, but they have the means to pay for help and still go on holidays, etc.. while we still struggle a bit. Pros and cons to each.

YANBU to want to have had children earlier than you have due to enjoying it more than expected and wanting more.

YABU to blame not having them earlier on someone telling you to have them - because in reality who wants to listen to advice they’re not seeking from someone.

I wish my circumstances were different so that I had my child earlier than I did (I was 41). Although I wouldn’t have wanted a child in my 20s - I wasn’t ready in the slightest for that.

I don't understand people seeing they have been misled about fertility. You only need to open the daily mail to read articles about women who have "left it too late" and it's consistently rammed down our throats about how fertility drops off a cliff at the age of 35 (another myth but that's for another thread probably!).

I don't understand anyone though romanticising about having 14 children! All my grandparents came from families of 11-13 children and it sounds like a miserable existence for all involved. The younger children either had no to little parental involvement and the older ones spent their time bringing up the younger ones. And the parents and the mum especially were knackered from the health toll of 14 pregnancies not to mention the physical aspect of cleaning, cooking and bringing up 14 children. I think I've got a far better deal even though I work full time with 2 children!

But you have got it all.

You're only 36. Keep going. You've got plenty of time.

@Anabla but you equally get told to just freeze your eggs, have IVF etc as if those things are actual solutions. And men delay and delay too, most of the men in their 30s in my social circle say that they're not ready for kids yet!

And I haven't really seen these articles/discussions you mention here about fertility until a couple of years ago. Not often anyway. Which is too late for women now in their 30s.

Plus everyone tells you not to have children you can't afford which for most people will only be in their mid 30s.

Plenty of people do and manage to raise strong families who didn't always have material things or fancy holidays but they're happy.
Plenty of people manage to create successful careers around DC.
My friend studied for her masters while her DD studied for gcse exams.
I can't understand people who do two rounds of parenting, in their early 20's and again 16/17 years later.

Plenty of people do and manage to raise strong families who didn't always have material things or fancy holidays but they're happy.

Today with the insecurity & expense of private renting & lack of social housing?!

It may be able to be done but it isn’t optimal. A lot of research shows that kids from economically optimal backgrounds with 2 parents do better.

Its not just about fancy holidays anymore, basic home security and ability to pay bills is becoming even harder for people on average wages.

Who would nudge you though? I feel it’s incredibly intrusive and insensitive to suggest someone cracks on with conception, in any circumstances.

That’s a bit daft. You could say if you hadn’t been with your partner you wouldn’t have got the kids you have. Or if Mars hadn’t been aligned with Jupiter when you conceived.

Perhaps, you are enjoying them so much because you are settled in your career. I don't think there magic time to have children. I think it sensible to enjoy your children at whatever stage you had them.

36 is nothing.

At that age I was still travelling the world and developing my career. I didn’t even think about having DC until I was nearly 40.

By that time I was happy to have a rest from travelling. I’d paid off my mortgage and had a senior level job that was flexible.

My DS was born a few years later. I’ve loved every minute of being with him. I’ve not found it anywhere near as hard as some older parents on here appear to mainly because finances are not an issue and work is extremely flexible. We have no family support as all GP were dead before DS was born but that really isn’t an issue.

However if you’re looking to have DC at 40+ and have only modest income and a mortgage then I suspect it’s a whole lot harder.