Wish someone told me about having kids early!

[MissEacek]

I am 36 and I had 2 kids in the last 4 years, only started having kids after 32. I used to think I want to be child free and at 31, the urge to have baby kicked in.
Previous to that I was all focused on going to uni, working, going up the career ladder etc. I was more of competing with peers and sometimes with my DH to get ahead. I was at conferences multiple times a year, drinks with colleagues every Friday and weekends. Having kids never crossed my mind.
Now at 36, I am dealing with a baby and toddler and I desperately want to have a third DC but I feel so exhausted and career has taken a backseat.
I really really wish someone had nudged me earlier about this and I wish I had them earlier then I would have loved to have more, may be 4 who knows. I never knew I would feel so much in love with them and it would like the most wonderful thing in the world.

My parents were older, 38 and 48 and unfortunately had both died before i was 24, so I didn’t want to be older than 30. My eldest is now early 20’s and I often point out that we don’t want to be old grandparents. Don’t suppose they will listen though!
Theres never a perfect time, you just have to trust life works out how it’s supposed to.

If you didn't want kids why would anyone trying to nudge you prior to changing your mind have done anything but piss you off?

There really isn't an ideal time though - just some worse than others 32 not a bad middle ground for trade offs - you could have more if you wanted you have pleanty of time left - you'll have time with current ones before retirement to save but have build up a career and stablity persuably money wise.

That's an interesting point, why are people leaving it till 38/39 to have kids? Is it about deciding whether or not to have them at all?

But it's freedom in your 40s really.

Well it isn't that cut and dried. I left school at 15 with no qualifications, pregnant at 17. Three more over the next 20 years. Got day release from employer for four years, continued part time after that. Good career, retired a few years ago on six figure salary. Did require a good employer and lots and lots of energy.

So many people tie themselves in knots on here trying to base the right time to have children based on hypothetical what it's and trying to engineer the perfect situation that's it a wonder people have children at all. According to many on here to have children you need to make sure that;

You're not too young that you give up your youth
You're not too old because it's selfish or you'll have no energy
That you're own parents aren't too old and you'll be the "right age" to care for them
That your children will be the "right age" when it comes to caring for you
That your not too old when your children have children
That you have the right age gap for your children. Not too close together so that you ruin your body but not too far apart they won't get on.
You shouldn't have an only child as they will be "lonely" but you shouldn't have more than two or three children either due to impact on the environment.

The thing is as long as women ovulate (and with the advances in medicine), women will continue to have children at all ages, just as they always have done. There is no right age to have a child. None of us have crystal balls to know about how long we will live or our parents, about the level of care any of us will need or even if your children will have children. Not to mention the other stresses and challenges life throws along the way.

You could have your children in your 20s and then missed out on the freedom of this period of time or have them later and wish you'd had them earlier. It really is swings and roundabouts. My job working in elderly social work has shown me there is no ideal time or scenario that exists. There's people who maybe had them later and their children are now caring for them at a younger age while juggling family and career. Then there is them that had them younger and their children are at retirement age and dealing with their own health problems, ageing parents and supporting their own grandchildren. Neither situation is ideal.

All we can do is deal with the here and now. The most important thing for children is to have parents who are emotionally and financially stable and in stable relationships with our partners to support them and for many of us that comes later than it does for others.

You've not had kids "old" though, OP. How, realistically could you have had them younger?

We intended to wait until I was about 31 but I got pregnant almost as soon as we got married when I was 28. Can't think how I could have had them earlier, other than in less than ideal circumstances which would have compromised career and finances.

Demographics say having kids has become a "cap stone event" - something done when everything else in place not as in past along side other things.

Plus career stablity, house buying finding partners ready to have kids are all taking longer each generation to acheive - so parenthood is being pushed later and later.

Then if delay is too long there a point when it's do I want to be a parent doing this till I retire or fertlity declines and it's a non starter or needing interventions like IVF - or realisation will never afford it and have lifestyle they want - so a choice is made.

Yes, I was older than you (38) when I had DD - and I only have her (recurrent miscarriages both before and after having her).

It is exhausting. Physically and mentally exhausting. I’m not the free and easy person I was when I was younger. I’m tired and that makes me a worse parent.

I really hope that DD doesn’t leave it as late as me!

For me, I was married in my 20s but that didn’t last. Met DH at 30 but was still officially married and both of us had a fair amount of emotional baggage.

And then I had multiple miscarriages.

Eventually had DD at 38. I wish wish wish we’d had her earlier.

@MissEacek

Now at 36, I am dealing with a baby and toddler and I desperately want to have a third DC

If you're so knackered/exhausted, why on earth would you consider a third child?!! 😱 Especially at almost 40! (Well, you will be almost 40 by the time you have a third child even if you start 'trying' now!)

Don't do it. 2 is enough! Also, they will be grown soon enough.

There’s never an ideal time to have children, but personally, I think that if women know they really want children, they should aim to have their first one before turning thirty. Don’t waste time on the boyfriend you know you’re not going to stay with long-term, don’t plan to permanently live in a place where the cost of living means you’ll never be able to afford more than a one-bedroom flat, don’t accommodate the mindset that being 25, 26, 27 is really just being a big teenager who’s “too young” to make adult decisions.

My parents had a lot of infertility problems and didn’t have me, their only child, until they’d been married for ten years. So I grew up with the attitude that children were precious and being a parent was worth pursuing, and that no one can guarantee that they’ll be able to have a baby when they want to have a baby. The latter is something that no one seems to tell teenage girls and young women planning their educations and careers, and I think a lot of them look at examples of women who have babies in their waning years of fertility and figure, hey, I can do that. Except that not everyone can do that.

I had kids in my early twenties. Pregnancy was a breeze, I had a ton of energy and I dropped the weight instantly. But I wasn’t very experienced with kids, I didn’t choose a great dad. We were poor and couldn’t do much with them.
17 years later I had another child, the pregnancy was awful, i massively struggled with the tiredness with a newborn. I had no energy, I was grumpy and stressed a lot I constantly worried about ds and I gained 2 stone. But my home situation and partner was much more secure and we were financially stable. Ds has had a lot more opportunities than elder dc have.

it’s swings and roundabouts really

I had my first at 37, 39 and 41. Doable if your partner is supportive!

DH is really supportive - but that doesn’t change the fact that we are both tired. Also dealing with parental ill health and death at the same time as dealing with a child and teen isn’t great.

It is. We had our DC by our mid twenties, in the early 70s, and we hadn’t got great careers. We struggled due to lack of childcare, we lived a long way from our families. A few years at home for me, with DH working away to maximise earnings was tough, and although we did manage to buy a house when the DC were small, we had little to put in it! We stopped at two for financial reasons, it was right for us.

Holidays were visiting family, there were very few luxuries, and although DH needed transport for his work, it was always an old van or car he had to maintain. A big difference between our younger selves and our DC, who were well into careers, and owned nice homes before the DGC were born. They have great holidays, decent cars, cleaners etc.,and the DGC, IMO, are fairly privileged. As we are all living longer, it makes some sense to start a family a bit later.n

I hear you, @MissEacek - I'm from a similar background and didn't want to have children until I was established in my profession.

I had a partner and he would have liked to have started earlier, but I left it late. Then last year, my professional career ended suddenly.

If I'd gone for having children earlier, they would be heading off to college soon, and I would be further on in my fall-back career.

We take gambles, and sometimes they don't pay off.

I feel some sadness about their quirks and health issues which might be partly down to me having been an older mother. And we would have liked one more, but I was out of time.

Yes I count my blessings, and love the children I have - but I do blame myself for the decisions which were wrong in hindsight.

I had mine at 30 & 35 and yes it was tiring but I don't think I would have been any less tired if I'd had them earlier. I'd have been more resentful at giving up my nights out at a younger age. I wasn't too bothered about going out much once I'd had them

Unfortunately, in the U.K. it doesn’t make economic sense to have children in your 20s. There aren’t many 20 somethings with their own home, a good career with maternity package and a decent supportive partner.

Yes you can wing it, but is it the best option? I’m not sure (said as the child of a teen mum; the insecurity was crap growing up and opportunities were limited).

Well, whatever you do, there's going to be a hard, or bad part to deal with.
It you'd have chosen to have kids earlier, you may well have not progressed to your career that you now have. You may have not had more children because the cost of providing for them whilst working and earning comparatively less just puts you in a cycle that's hard to get out of.

You have made your choices, and by the sounds of it, have a lovely life with lovely kids.

I grew up in a fairly deprived area and many of my school friends had children when they were teenagers. We are mid 40s now and at a recent class reunion meal I discovered several also already have grandchildren. After we had our meal someone suggested going to a cocktail bar and I said I couldn't as I had the school run the next day. A few friends chuckled and said they could barely remember having to do that - their kids are in their 20s now. I did at that point wish I'd had mine younger (I had my first at 34). Not just because of the cocktail bar:) I just kept thinking these young mums are only in their 40s and they have so much freedom whereas I have another 8 years until both mine 18+ and who knows how old I'll be when and if grandchildren arrive? I feel so tired and the return to school and the hamster wheel this week has been incredibly draining.

On the other hand, I know from the stories my friends told me that several struggled enormously with being young parents. They also lived with a lot of financial insecurity that continues to this day. And as another pointed out "Eastie while I was home breastfeeding, you were travelling and building a career" So I can see both sides of the coin.

On balance, I think if it is financially viable and you are in a stable relationship, having a child in your late 20s can be a positive thing but it really depends on your individual set-up.

I think 32 is fairly young....I had my first at 31 and definitely felt I was at the younger end of my friends. I definitely wouldn't have wanted to have children earlier. I spent my 20's building up my career and it felt like a natural point to suspend it when I did.
I've had no issue going back either - but with three there was no way I could do that when they were all small as DH didn't have the sort of job which meant he could divide roles.
Just stick with two if you're finding it hard.

I feel the same but it's definitely over for me, you still have time! I'm 40 and just had my second after fertility issues - I'd really love a third but I know it's not rational or even possible now. But like you, I didn't know I would feel this way until they were here - I didn't actually want kids at first! So don't beat yourself up too much x

You would have been annoyed if someone had suggested you start a family sooner, given that you were childfree by choice. You have time to have more now if you would like, I will warn you though that teenagers are so expensive, we're just coming up to university costs & it's eye watering! We had our children at 23, 27 & 31. Tbh we had a lot of whispered comments from people who thought we were just reckless & stupid having kids in our 20s, and our kids wouldn't do very well. We're now 41 & a lot of those people have started families in their late 30s/40s, and are learning that being older & doing things "in the right order", doesn't necessarily make you a better parent. Parenting is hard work with small kids whether you are 22 or 42. I've met great first time parents of both 20 & 45. It's lovely that you are loving parenthood so much, just do what's right for your family & don't worry about whether it could've been sooner

You really have ‘had it all’ more than most people. I’d be grateful for that. I had my first child at 19. I had no money, a useless 19-year-old boyfriend who left us when DS was 2, never got the chance to establish a decent career for myself or have the experience of going to uni with people my age. Was never able to travel like I dreamed of, even going out for drinks was rarely an option. I did go to uni in my early 30s and got a decent job but it was HARD. I was a single parent and skint for a good 15 years before I started earning enough to not struggle. I’ll never be able to realise my full potential career-wise because I started too late. I also didn’t have 4 kids, because, like most people I know who had kids young, we weren’t ready or in stable relationships or our partners weren’t ready and most of us ended up single parents struggling to get by and unable to even consider the possibility of another child. The few young women I know that married very young then had kids still struggled and didn’t have big families because of this. They were too young to have the earning power needed to live a decent life with a big family in this country. There is a reason people have kids in their 30s - to have a chance at a bit of a life for themselves first and to give their kids a stable upbringing. If you’d had kids in your early 20s you’d be on here moaning about how you never got the chance to have a career. You got both. Be grateful. No one can ‘have it all’. Some people have careers they hate and can’t even have kids