Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

[Neil90]

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

Why the hell Do you use a word like extrapolate?

No one thinks your clever just cause you use a big word no one nos the meaning of 🙄

I haven't asked anyone for help. I have no idea what you're talking about.

I bet she knows the difference between "your" and "you're" and "no" and "know," though.

You think he’s being snobby because he is concerned his daughter is being forced to sleep on a sofa in a chain smokers flat? Do you think the child - who has expressed her unhappiness at this situation - is being snobby too?

I have no doubt that there are lots of children living like this, but that does NOT make it ok - not for op’s daughter nor for any child. It’s a shame you have such low standards.

I think by contacting the school you encourage them to note any concerns. If the child is smelling of smoke or hadn’t been sleeping well or is upset by the change in sleeping arrangements then it’ll be good to have noted for the potential cafcass report when he goes back to court.

It’s for a week at a time and I’m sure some children do sleep on sofas but it’s not generally by choice if there are other options. It’s considered best for children to have a room and a bed. If this was in step children and op suggested having dc sleep on sofa they’d be torn to shreds.

As an adult I couldn’t sleep in a place which smelt of cigarettes. I do house calls for work and struggle to be in smokers homes for a half hour. I feel quite sorry for the DD due the impact of smoke on developing lungs. Children smelling of cigarette smoke is a bit of a red flag for neglect surely? I know it’s not illegal to smoke at home with a child but it’s indicative of a lack of caring for their health

Why would I think anyone would think I’m clever for using a specific word?

I made such an effort to not point that out. Herculean 😀

I loathe my ex quote a lot and the feeling is mutual but we are civil and communicate as needed. It doesn't have to be a choice between screaming and yelling and accepting an appalling situation to keep the peace.

DD won’t be going to her mum’s though - that’s the point. OP and his ex have 50/50 custody and he has PR. Of course his ex can make child care arrangements, but if you read the OP’s updates you’ll see this is not what’s happening. His ex doesn’t want DD split between three homes so she has given permanent custody to the childs’ grandmother. It isn’t just overnight stays, it’s now her permanent home with no room of her own and no bed. And the child hates it.

OP has every right to object to this and without a proper court arrangement giving the grandmother custody OP can simply refuse to hand DD over and go through the courts to challenge his ex and ask for sole custody. DD is of an age where she will have some say in what happens. To say what happens on his ex’s watch is none of his business is not correct - especially if it’s having a detrimental effect on DD, which this clearly is.

Well that's the thing you see, it's not just whilst she is working, she doesn't work 7 days in a row. She's given the DD to Gran permantly!
And what a ridiculous statement saying how does OP know what house is like and how do they do they know DD doesn't have a bed, I actually can't believe anyone has said that 🙄
Clue: DD is 8

I wouldnt let her go.
Tell your ex that she'll be with you full time until she has suitable arrangements for her and that she's welcome to visit her in your home. Let her get a court order for access if she wants.

I’m trying to be kind here because no-one likes to be corrected, but, if you have a look back at the spelling and grammar in your own posts l think you’ll find that you’re setting yourself up for a very hard time here if you start criticising how other posters write. Extrapolate is quite a common word and google is your friend.

G'ma is not caring for child while mum is at work. G'ma is caring for child the whole of the mum's time with the child. Mum just visits.

You have your wires crossed. This is not the OP, this is someone completely different who you are talking to.
Clearly you need remedial lessons in comprehension as well as spelling.

Agree. So many posters missing the fact that this is a permanent arrangement - even though OP has clearly said that his ex doesn’t want the child moving between three homes, so has moved her in permanently with the grandmother. He’s also said that the child smells of smoke when she comes to stay with him. It’s clear that the child is unhappy, and as you say, she’s eight. Old enough to have some say in what happens to her.

The poster has form for this on other threads. Completely misunderstands the issues and derails threads arguing the toss.

You’re not smelling a rat, you’re projecting your own experience onto OP, and your bias because he’s a man is glaringly obvious in your previous post.

OP has 50/50 custody of his DD and isn’t obliged to pay maintenance. Yet he pays £1000 a month, so that will go a long way to paying the rent. This isn’t about your own, or any other posters’ experience, it’s about OP. We only ever get one side of a story on MN and if we start making things up to fill in the gaps we end up with unfounded and unfair bias. I’m curious. If this were a woman posting the same about an ex husband would you still be smelling a rat ?

@Emmafuller79 dont be afraid of words Emma. They don’t belong to one type of a person and not another, anyone can use them. Don’t be scared to use Google, look it up and use it yourself. No need to restrict yourself. @SoManyIdiotsSoLittleWine

…it’s not that uncommon a word..er…you no.

Agree. Who doesn't know what extrapolate means.
Now if the word was interpolate, I could understand the confusion. It really isn't used very often.

The judgy and insane op

I don’t think he comes over as insane, he’s concerned for his child’s welfare. A bit judgmental though to be fair. Some of the replies are bonkers. Other children survive sleeping on sofas type, so if you meet the lowest stsndard of care that it’s fine. Surely we all aspire for our children to hsve best lives possible?

I share custody of my dc and my expectation is that the other parent provides a decent standard of care, not a it’s probably not bad enough for a SS review.

Quite. ‘Interpolate’ isn’t used anything like as often as ‘extrapolate’. No copulating way.

I agree. Extrapolate is a commonly used word. A basic part of most people's vocabulary I would have thought.

I had to Google what Interpolate means. 🤣

Do you say that because you think sleeping on a sofa in a chainsmokers’ flat is acceptable?